He needs help, but not from you. Do nothing!! Stay out of the way.

He is back and forth for a reason. He is hurting, and he wants it to stop. This will not happen overnight. So just relax, grab a bag of popcorn and watch the show. nothing has changed for you yet. Today is the same as yesterday. for him, changes are happening minute by minute, and he doesnt like them. He is in constant pain. it will be him that figures his way out of it. But anything you do or say will be taken wrong, so just dont do it.

Remember how much pain you felt when your husband went with the OW? Well, now he gets to feel it. Let him!!! He needs to. This is the ONLY way he can have the energy to get himself out of the mess he created.

Hang on Shugah. It has been a long road. But my intuition is that the road is coming to an end very soon.

In His arms.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

On one hand I wish I could give up on this M, totally and finally! On the other hand I'm finding it impossible to let go.

I'm so very tired of dealing with everything. The stress of single-parenting 3 of our 4 children still at home.
The stress of finances...do I pay the mortgage this month(last months!), get heating oil, pay day care or buy food. Hmmm...can't pay them all, and WH just says I don't have any more to give you! "Let's just rush this divorce along so that you can get a settlement"

I feel the joy in my life has been drained out. It's just a job now. Raise the kids, pay the bills, get through one more day.

WH is still angry with me for helping to end his doomed A. Today's statement..."I was trying, I felt a spark and then you had to break up my relationship" HUH????

So, even though he admits the A was not going well, and that he was trying with me, it is because of what I did to end the A, that he will not try anymore. He hates ME!

What the f#**k did I do? I really want to know?
I'm the one holding it all together despite his abandonment of his family and I'M the bad guy!!
Go figure!

So basically, he now wants nothing more to do with me over this. I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I hardly even like him anymore. What's there to love....a man who gives up his family to end up with NOTHING!

And then there is me, fighting for a M that is based on what????

I have to be the world's biggest fool! To think so little of myself that I would even consider wanting this relationship again.

For the past few weeks since the supposed A breakup, WH's anger seemed to subside as predicted.

However, my own frustration and emotional levels went to the extreme, especially with the "loss" of yet another family member from our home.
17 yr. old decided to move out.
From my perspective, just another person "running away" from problems and responsibilities, the 3rd person in a year that has left our home.

WH seemed understanding over my emotional state the night S left and I wanted to "walk out" on it all too.

It seems a lonely place for the three of us left especially since I am estranged from my own family over all of this mess.

Holidays suck! Me and the two young ones, home alone, I'm not cooking the big holiday meals anymore...for what?, why traditions, whose around to celebrate them?

WH never even made an Easter Morning call, to ask about Easter Bunny visit. He called late that night after they were asleep.

WEll, apparantly WH spent Easter with OW at her brother's! "We're still friend". Whatever the hell that means!
So, while me and the kids spent a lonely holiday at home, WH had a nice big "family" holiday with someone elses family!

We did talk for some time....he knew it hurt, but I did not become angry...I tried to explain it from our perspective....
I still feel he is confused about what he wants, but he is so STUCK, that it seems hopeless at times.
If he stays there much longer, the A will surely rekindle if it hasn't already.

It's been a very emotional week....I am working very hard at keeping things under control.

Hi Shugah,

I'm sorry that you are hurting but I read your most recent past posts and I saw you starting to read too much into what was going on with WH and I was worried.

Like Mortarman said stay in Plan B.Why do you still talk with WH? Holidays are tough that's for sure,when the family is broken but our children deserve to have that happiness and who else is going to give it to them? Not our selfish WS's.You have to just do it and make the effort to make it a happy time as much as it can be.If the mom is sad then the kids will be too.

I don't know why you are estranged from your own family but if they can't be a part of your life right now,maintain that focus on your kids.That's what I do even though both families are supporting me.

Get back into the safety and security of Plan B and lick those wounds.You sounded so strong before and then look what has happened.Interaction with your WH has hurt you,nothing changed and you are left holding the bag.Yeah WH may be stuck and he may be forever stuck but you don't have to be part of it.

I know this may sound strange but do you have any pets? I have a wonderful dog named Pepper.She is a beautiful Border Collie/Aussie mix and she is really such a part of our family.She really brightens the day for my kids and for me too.When I was on the floor crying a couple weeks ago,she actually came over and was wimpering and she put her paws on me! She was concerned for her "master".She really has helped me get through these trying times,if only just to listen to me or require that I get out to go for those walks each day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jsut a thought that might help you and your loneliness in the home.Hang in there.

O

Thanks Ogirl,

Plan B has been something that I have gone in and out of so much that I really don't think it will have any effectiveness now except to help end the relationship once and for all.
I know that it will remove me from the pain.
But I am still not ready to give up on this man.
The D is in the works and despite that, I do not want to give up on this relationship and thus my continued contact with WH for pulse checks etc.

He has been away from us for so long, and OW is so accessible and there, I am sure that the A will start up again or is continueing.

I really do wish I could let go. I know that I CAN do this by myself, I just dont WANT to! Big difference.

As for the DOG! Yeah, we have one, not much source of comfort though, just one more responsiblity that has become mine that I didn't ask for! WH & S were the ones who paid him most attention and now they are both gone.
Yeah, lucky me!
I am very resentful right now of everything I have to be responsible for.

I made Easter as happy as possible for the kids given what I have to work with. My feelings of loss are overwhelming lately and I'm having a very hard time focusing on keeping a happy face for the kids.

I think the desperation comes from knowing that if indeed this M is over, I have many decisions to make that will not be easy. Sell the house and move? The thought of packing in itself, overwhelms me not to mention the very real reluctance of 13 yr.old. Find homes for pets?
Sell of some of our "stuff" to accomodate move.

It's just all too much for me to absorb yet the time is getting nearer to make these decisions.

I know,I'm sorry that this is so hard for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If you were my neighbor I would come over and help you out.

Maybe all this recent activity with your WH is what is making you feel like you do.Perhaps in a day or two you might feel better.I know when I have these interactions with WH I feel so poorly but then when he goes away(like he's gone all day today) if feel so much more like myself.I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Sometimes I wonder if the pain that we feel is because we are holding on to what could be and not letting go of what IS.If after letting go and a period of mourning,that there isn't more to be had out there,happiness,joy? I don't know.I was just thinking about that again.The eternal question: just how long do I go on in this situation? Two years like Dr.Harley says? More or less? A personal best? One day at a time I suppose.

{{{HUGS}}}

O

I posted this on CHESTNUTS thread...

Sorry, I'm just having such a hard time being convinced (of trying NC AGAIN).

Lost Bird,
It's been 15 mos! If being away from us for this long hasn't moved him to miss us enough to come home....how will less contact work now?
Your W knows my struggle with this. She knows from her own experience how scary it was to have no contact, not know what was going on with a WH, is he moving further away...is it time to D...move on....hold on...
NC is a scary place to be...

I've been in and out of it over the past year...it seems the best progess was actually made when we had "good" contact and were able to make a connection.
That seems to be WH biggest doubt, that we can actually connect again...how is that supposed to happen with NC?

I'm really struggling...I'm Lower than I've been in a long while...

Not sure I have the strength to try NC again or just need to throw in the towel. Oh yeah, I've tried that too....and here I am again...

Hi Shugah,

I know where you are. I know your desperation and your frustration. However, I also know that we both failed (you and I!) in terms of keeping a strong Plan B, at least, for me, since December. We both felt we were doing the right thing in keeping the line of communication open, of showing our WS the path home. Yet, it wasn't working, was it? Is it?

We hear from the MB folks. We hear from the SYMC folks. We hear from many, many, many marriage experts that the way to resolve this - one way or the other - is Plan B, or whatever term is used for full and total separation from the other spouse.

Now, in addition to that, we have Lost Bird's testimonial, telling us exactly what he felt and how he reacted each time there was contact. And we have Tak on the SYMC board telling you she wishes she had one - just one - success story to back up the way you are handling it. But she does not.

Possibly the difference between us, between you and me, is that I kept a very strong PB for 6 months. Total n/c. Total. It was only in December when I heard from Cerri that he wanted to come home that we resumed periodic contact. That was my downfall, and created setback after setback. Why? Well, Cerri once told us I moved at the speed of 78 rpm (for those of you who remember "records" LOL) and he moved at 33 1/3 rpm. So, naturally, I was pushing, pushing, "Why aren't you ready? Why haven't you sent the n/c letter? What are you waiting for?", etc., and it succeeded in driving him away and erecting a wall between us.

So does any contact we have with them. Hindsight is 20/20, yeah, but looking back (you or me), how attractive did we appear to our spouses when we have had the interaction we have had? I know you need some interaction because of the little ones, but Shugah, if you really really want to give this one more try, let's try it. Let's go to Plan B. Get an Email Intermediary from Cerri (I am one and would be glad to assist) and let's give this one more shot.

Isn't it worth it? Let's not have you experience any more loss.

Hugs!

ISG

I'm considering it.

WH has no computer though, and is limited to his work cell phone for communication.

I tried an itermediary before and I don't want to put anyone in that difficult position again. Although I feel that WH's anger is no where near what it was before, there is still the potential for it to erupt and spill onto this 3rd party.

But thanks for the offer!

I just read 2ofakinds "Recovery for Dummies". I'm considering sending it to WH. (except for a few lines referring to the risk of Plan B)

WH's major hurdle is believing that there is a way for us to recover. He thinks it is too far gone, too much has happened, NO ONE comes back from this!

He has SAA, but don't believe he has ever done more than skim it.
2ofakind did a great job getting to the basics, maybe WH will recognize the possibilities of recovery if he reads it?

I'm so afraid that the A has picked up again!!
I'm also considering one last shot at Exposure.
Although I know OW's family knows about A and hosts WH & OW in their homes, perhaps a letter from me will put pressure on? Find out who her priest is?

Thanks for your ongoing support. I have a lot to think about and decisions to make.
I'm tired and worn out.

ISG,

There's at least one success story...done the way I'm doing it. YOU!

How do we know that you are where you are because of PB or lack of it!

Who knows, maybe your FWH would have taken another x years if not for your pressure!

Who really knows????

Roughroads April 8th post....
after a SH session....

we also talked again about contact (how much should i have and what kind of contact I have), my concern was if i bombarded him w/stuff from me then he would think that i was clingy and needy. so i had initiated little contact and tried to keep our conversations very brief. However, SH said i need to initate some kind of contact at least every other day. i was really surprised at this. again my thoughts were of being needy and if i emailed him he may not even read it, if i mailed him something he might just throw it away. but SH if nothing else it will make him think about me and prevent him from compartmentalizing. it doesn't necessarily matter if he doesn't read what i send, it's still a thought of ME. he said to be very brief and factual and just try to convey that i am still here and see what's going on as a variable because he (my H) does not.

??????
this makes sense to me...

<<Bump>>

<Bump>

Happy to see ya posting again , sad to hear all the pain still ongoing .

I read some not all replies . I think you should do what ever you want , go for it in any way shape or form . If going dark does not work then don't and I agree the 3rd party thing may not be for you . IF you want to pressure then do it .

Listen there comes a time when you have to just move ahead in your own way , not everything according to the princepals .

Its kind of like saying at this point what could possiabley happen .

WELL he could come back , hes already been gone and you have held all this together so you are already in that place and know that place .

BUT before you do anything , just make sure it does not set YOU back from any progress you have made for your SELF !

Making any sense here??

IF you want to send him the post , do it , if it don't awaken anything in that very thick head of his then it don't , nothing ventured nothing gained . (is that the right use for that saying ) ????

My last vent effort to my FWS was a call ,

I told him listen I tried everything , begging (in beging) crying, listening to to babbel, being nice , ect. either ya come clean and want to come home or thats it I GIVE !!! MERCY I am done I will force myself to go on dates and had 3 offers already and I will start sleeping around just as you are cause I got needs as well . Then I hung up .... I remember the next 3 weeks I dressed ro kill I was not around when he picked up kids I was on cell phone every time he called kids at home they would tell him when he asked who is mom talking to they say I don't know she on cell ,,, he eventually started calling and then came home .

I was doing nothing wrong of course , and all this was pre MB . But I was at wits end ,, needed to get mad enough to let go .

well I am rooting for ya , I do hope one day soon to read he is back ,,, but if not I pray for your happiness always and the wonderful life you WILL have no matter the out come .

3is,
Thanks!

I know that there are no guarantees either way, but I don't think anyone here can be for sure, certain, that it was Strict Plan B that brought a WS home.

Plan A took place when WH was VERY thickly fogged in! What good did it do then?

Now, he is poking his head out a bit, and I just think that now is the time to try to reach him!

IMO, Plan B now only sends the message...it's too late, it's over, I've moved on completely...and that message to a WS who is unable to see that recovery is possible ...is putting the nail in the M coffin.

Yeah, it's emotional for me....either way it would be, my life is overwhelming without him...it gets to me every once in a while, holidays, kid problems, whatever...

I need to reach him...somehow...

Got a question for ya ? Does your Ws have a interst in something ,,, Football, baseball, band .???

What I am getting at is a date , withoutr him thinking date .

If its lets say a band maybe someone in concert that you can score tickets on , or a baseball game spmething he really evjoys that he hasn't done in awhile .

If so maybe you can say hey I got these tickets and I know you like this so you want to go and hang out .

No strings, nothing, just a hang out !

If maybe you could kinda PLAN A with out it being that , ya know what I am saying .

NO R talk , nothing just a good old fashion good time between 2 people who have been through he11 in life .

ANYTHING along those lines ?

Oh, I've thought that....
BIG music fan....I've entered contests for concert tix, complete with limo....on several occasions, with the thought that I'd do just that..."hey, I won these tickets.."

Sports, he'd rather takce 13 yr. old....as a matter of fact he bought a raffle ticket for tonights, Red Sox/Yankees to take S to, but apparantly mustn't have won...

If money weren't so tight, I'd definately do something like you are suggesting....IT'S WHAT WE NEED! WE used to go to concerts all the time, especially when we were young...MAJOR GOOD TIMES!

I've also thought about calling and saying I was on my way down...let's just go out!

He's coming up this weekend to see the kids, not sure what day....haven't talked since sunday...wish he would come through with the promise to help out with yard work and stay a couple of days!

!!!Great Visit!!!

More on that as soon as I can process it all.

Tryng verry hard not to think too much into it.

He's coming up next weekend, for our 20th Anniversary! He said he won't miss an occasion to have cake.

Lots of other things said today, very positive...

I'm very cautiously very optimistic!

I'll post tomorrow. Let me think about this!!

Shugah,

WE - yes, WE - are hoping for the best for you. He (LB) says to just be careful and make sure that what you think you are seeing in your H is what you are really seeing, and not what you WANT to see.

After your post to him the other night, I told him your story. It upset him greatly. I am very encouraged that he wants to help so many people here and seems to be so pro-marriage and pro-recovery.

My thoughts: keep contact to a minimum (or none at all) this week. Let him contact you about next weekend.

(fingers crossed emoticon...if only we had one).

Ya know, it's safe to post on the other board too!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />