<small>[ July 27, 2003, 05:36 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

R U ok?

L.

Thank you Orchid. YOu are kind to check on me, I had a bad night and it is a hard, hard day.

I had an awful night with WS getting very angry at me due to my whining about the A and Reconciliation, and it was BAD. He got up and left my home where he was in bed with me ready to go to sleep, b/c I must of whined about the wrong thing. I was sooo upset at the abandonment routine after we have been getting closer and closer lately... that i got up crazy and went to his apartment/ because he would not answer his phone... and guess what he would not let me in..... So I feel insane. I cried a lot last night and I am still upset, but am trying to get over it.

Now WS thinks I am psycho I guess, but I might be turning towards emotionally abused woman gone nuts. I am ok and I did not make any big mistakes besides making a fool of myself. My ws is now in rejection mode again. After being here all day long yesterday and giving me a fairly decent reconiciation agreement- suggesting that we get back together by 6 wks from now.... which had my hopes up for my family to be together and for us to truly enter better recovery.

He does not sleep over often, and it just hurt that he got up and left... he did not say he was leaving etc. I thought he was going to the bathroom, walking downstairs for a minute, etc.- but when I got up to look for him, he was long gone.

I cannot take the here one minute gone the next. I did not invite him over yesterday, he was suppossed to pick up the kids, and he showed up which I thought was to take them and then he stayed all day in the house while I was out front having a garage sale - he took the kids to the pool. At end of day he suggested we go out , then told me he was too tired..

Truthfully Orchid, I am probably not ok. My emotional/mental capacity is losing it on this yoyo, of course I really screwed up by being physical with him, and so I feel even more the dope now.

Please no flames, I am in a lot of pain today. WS is refusing to answer my phone calls, which tempts Honey to drive on over and tell him I did not want to fight, he just needs to stop running away and hold me- a little love would not hurt. He makes me feel nuts for chasing after him and I am. Who loves a crazy wife...

And I am stress eating, I just had a snack I did not need.

Thanks for being here, H

Honey - I just wanted to post to you and say I am sorry for your bad weekend - it basically really bites when this happens - but I don't think you should be so hard on yourself - You are entitled to whine...for gods sake this has been going on for a long time - my dday was 10-12-01 - and I am divorced but let me tell you the roller coaster never ends I am thinking....In the end I think you will be happy - but you just have to make the hardest decision of your life - to go on by yourself - or to continue to wait... You will know when enough is enough - !!! And stay strong....

Thanks MAW,

I appreciate the support. He is still unavailable to talk. We have counseling tonite, so we shall see if he even shows up. He really gets to me by playing the little exit/runaway routine... so typcial of a WS.

Thanks for being here, I am not feeling real strong today either- starting to consider taking up smoking instead of stress eating.

I hate what he is acting like, but I have to let it go and focus on what I can do for me.

On the positive side, it looks like I will be going back to law school part time. I am dieting and losing, and trying to work out. I am a good person and I cannot let him destroy me. I even got a non-solicited call for a good position as a manager- although my current job is pretty good!

Thanks Again, H

Honey - What happens if you don't try to get in touch with him??? Would that shock him??? I mean I know exactly how you feel - graspin on for dear life - afraid of the unknown....As for the dieting you are not heavy - so if you are doing that for yourself fine - if you are doing it for him - don't it isn't going to work - it will just go in the other direction.... I would talk to your conselor tonite about what happened maybe if he isn't there that will be a good thing for you .... I really don't know what to tell you about when and if it ends - like I have said many times before I am divorced yet still freaked about Former WS and the lady who lives next door... I think what we have to accept - is that when they cheated - they became someone else and left us and our family - and sometimes some of them come back and work and really want their family back - but other times - the other ones - just don't ... And I am not sure try as we might we have any say in that what so ever.... It is so hard living day to day with the unknown is he coming back - what is going to happen to us?? Does he want someone else?? Does he want me?? Somehow to some extent when you finally let go - those bad days come less and less - Like I said I am not saying you all of a sudden are miraculously cured - nope but you can actually think straight - but you will know when the time is right to let go... You are a person and you deserve to be happy - you deserve no more drama in your life... Your boys deserve to look at a happy Mom - and truly more than anyone you deserve it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((Honey)))))

Have you thought of doing the 180 thing? Do you think that might have an effect? I wish I had some answers for you, I support you though.

Jackie

Thanks to both of you.

Yes 180 is a good idea. I feel like I am so weak. I hate the yoyo. I have tried to get ahold of him and except for a 3 sentence phone call where he hung up that has been it.

I am spinning today and having a hard time doing my work since this is unresolved drama, and he is in EXIT routine, blaming me for needing him/ psycho door knocking according to him!

Whoever heard of a h who will not allow his wife to come in when she knocks on the door?

Gotta go to a mting.

H

Maybe that's exactly why you need to do something different! 180 will make him sit up and take note.

It's no good if your health and work are suffering.

You think you are weak now, you're not! Try to picture the end result of doing a 180. Focus on that. Focus on your work. Focus on your health.

Take your frustrations out in the gym. I set myself a target on the stepper / rower / walker / whatever and try to think of nothing else but reaching that target. Gee, it feels good when I get there, it makes me feel like I can DO whatever else it is that I need to do.

I hope your day improves. Chin up, girl! You're in my thoughts.
Jackie