I want my husband back so bad, I asked God to come into my heart and help me, I want him to forgive me and believe me that I am so sorry, why can't he forgive like I can. He did ask his brother what he would do and his brother told him that he loves his wife and daughter and that if his wife ever cheated on him he would stay with her and work things out. I think in our situation everything is too far gone. His dad wants us back together, but him mother doesn't. I just want my family back.
I wish there was a way to prove it to him how sorry I am, because he doesn't believe me. I miss him so much. Why can't I just get on with my life. How can I prove myself to him? We have lost so much over cheating and it's not worth it. He lost his truck, are credit sucks, I was in that bad car accident, that I should have been dead but for some odd reason I lived. And our kids happiness is gone. Tell me I am stupid but I still love my husband and would take him back tomorrow if I can, but he just can't forgive me like I can forgive him. Why?

I want my husband back so bad

then stop doing all these unattractive antics out of desperation and change you..

I want him to forgive me and believe me that I am so sorry,

Goldie chances are that he knows you are sorry...you have told him...
yet he is engaging in the exact behaviors that you did...he is just a wrong...
and neither of you of sought to seek less chaos and pain...both have chosen routes that feed all that is negative about this to keep the blame game going...

Imagine just stepping back goldie...way back...letting him hang himself so to speak..
let him wrestle with own demons and morality...
you keep popping in to there world in dramatic ways and they can focus all their own ills and negatitivity to you...

I wish there was a way to prove it to him how sorry I am, because he doesn't believe me.

prove you are sorry by moving farther and farther from that person that hurt...quit hurting him..
and your rantings and dramatics and hysterics hurt him..on different level..
one is you two never ever move past this..
same old same old...

but mostly they HURT you..
you wanna guit hurting him..quit hurting yourself...

Your begging pleading asking why, attacking him, OW will never work.
He is still responsible for his own day to choices...
he is not the victim of your infidelity he is the victim of his own..

Every time you engage with him or her...you fuel the fire as to why your behavior is unattractive.

but he just can't forgive me like I can forgive him. Why?
because you keep doing things that he can claim are "unforgivable...."

do you see the pattern of chaos you live in...
do you see how dramatic and entertaining it is to see all three of you act this way??????

Please make every minute an effort to move farther and farther from this...
and I am not talking plan B here...cause ya haven't even done plan A..
I am talking about you getting organized and in control of you...

quit getting on the phone after "she" refuses to let him talk to the children.
document her reason why and get on with life.

quit talking to his family..

Goldie you will feel less pain and responbility (because you are NOT responsible for his crap) when you take actions that define you as not being that "type of person"...

ONLY call him at work...

Tell me I am stupid but I still love my husband and would take him back tomorrow if I can

Love has absolutely nothing to do with this...nothing...
you already took him back once...lived in fear that something you would say or do..would "make" him leave...
you were terrified to discuss anything...
it was all a game built on cards....

See Goldie here is where you own actions become confusing with the words of being sorry...
On one hand you are telling him that you are sorry you lied to him during your infidelity...
and that you have now learned how important honesty was is...

Yet if he asked/asks you too lie...especially if it is against the OW..and you believe you would gain "points" from him...you would, out of desperation lie for him...and that just nullifies any claims you have to believing in truth..
do you get that..
does that make sense

You need to work on becoming the type of woman that would say I can't do that...it undermines what I believe in...what I believe in you as well.

Our actions define us...and what is lovable about someone who is just out of control of our lives and emotions as he is??????

And our kids happiness is gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I can barely address this with you...because you rarely "hear" me..
you rarely give any concrete replies back..
you move right on to the next drama crisis in your life...some if not most of your creation/participation.

You have no plan too change..yet you want the world too change...it won't till you do something to change it...

So I feel mean and like I am beating up on you again...and again...

ARK

Hi Goldie,

I've read some of your posts and to some degree you remind me of a poster that is a success story BUT ... she worked damn hard, and in the beginning she was LB'ing all over the place.

Her name is Cali and she is well loved and well respected here on MB. When I discovered her posting here she had just changed her name from Cali to Hurricane Cali, and she was doing all sorts of stuff that had the potential to make her situation turn out different than it did.

Cali never gave up. Just as you, she wanted her marriage and husband back so bad but she had tons of work to do, and it all was working on herself.

She, like most of us, would backslide and concentrate on the symptoms of what her H was doing with OW instead of working on herself (Plan A) and making herself strong.

It was quite a transformation, I have never seen anyone so passionate about wanting to be the best person she could be, and she was consistent after a point, she stopped backsliding and really was an inspiration to read her posts. You just knew her husband must be seeing the changes too when you read her words.

Maybe she'll see this and post to you. That would be great. But the idea is, you need to stop reacting to all this hurtful A crap. We really do know it sucks, we do know your anger and devistation is valid and I'm so sorry you're going through it. But you can get strong and take control of you ... you have no idea the changes that take place once you stop your part of the dance that you and your H are doing.

Please try really hard to get strong. Be the person I know is waiting inside of you. Get up and dust yourself off and take control of you. You are in my prayers, a person like you that has so much passion also has a lot of heart. You can do better, I just know it.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

goldie...

'cause you can't focus on what your H does or doesn't do...

You have to focus on YOU. You have to give yourself and your heart to God and let HIM lead YOU...

When I gave myself over, my marriage, my H, my children, it was knowing that I would be OK as long as I had a relationship w/ God through Jesus... nothing else mattered and if my marriage was 'fixed' it would just be icing on the cake.

Goldi... focus on that and on being the best YOU and your life will fall into place... the blessings are there for the asking and He WANTS to bless you...

Cali

ps. Jo that was lovely.

It's all true, Cali. I think you're pretty wonderful.

And you know, I have stole your sig tag line. It's firmly planted on my sig-line work email addy:

* Live impeccably in your word
* Don't take anything personally
* Make no assumptions
* Do you best always

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Jo

p.s. Thank you for responding so quickly to Goldie.

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Goldie:

I don't know your story - but from what I have read here, and after seeing your pic, I know you seem to be a sweet, kind person, just going through this A pain.

I know the pain. I still lb when I lose my focus, but I have made positive steps in my life which are big improvements.

My H was the ws, and we now have a chance at reconciliation, but are still seperated. I know that working on ME is the only thing that changes the dance. I am glad to be reminded of that as I backslide some this weekend when my wh left my home because I said something about the seperation which triggered him in some regard. He did not even tell me he was leaving.... Abandonment is a big issue for me, so I freaked a little over it, freaked too much, so I have backslid. I know that having faith and patience and knowing GOd is there for me and loves me and wants me and my kids/ and ws to have a happy good life, helps me grow strong.

When I count on my wh to be the one to comfort me, I do not get to count on it, and I get disappointed. I need so much from him to recover, but he is not ok with the needy me. The strong me is the one he married. It is hard to be the strong independent person he married when my h who has been my best friend left me after a car wreck while I was on meds, and left me to support and raise our 2 boys alone except of his biweekly visits... UGH.

ANyway, be strong. I will look for more of your posts. Do something nice for you to help you gain your strength and happiness back- even a manicure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honey

Goldie..

how are YOU???????????

please check in...
ARK

Goldie,

Please let us know how you are.

Jo

Everything you guys said in your posts to me made me cry. Thanks. I took our 2 boys and my daughter to our friends cabin in Canada on Monday and came home Friday morning. We had so much fun. For 17 years I was going up with my H and his family for a week and never knew I could have so much fun there. I don't know why I didn't swim in the lake, get my hair wet, and just having a great time. I learned how to water ski, my younger son tried but couldn't do it. I actually did pretty darn good. I laughed and the kids laughed and we didn't want to leave. I think I showed my H and his family I can do things on my own. My H's neice also went with us. My neice even told my kids that she wishes she had a mother like me. That I was cool. I am realizing that my H chooses his gf over his family. He even asked his brother if he would go back to his wife if she did what I did and he said he would have to because he loves her and his daughter. He cheated on his wife too a couple years ago and their marriage is great now. My H doesn't even have enough money to buy a can of sardines, so I was told his gf was digging on the bottom of her purse at a store for change to buy sardines. His truck was repo's last week so now he has no car. He borrowed a car of his sister that broke down. He still doesn't see how his life is and how it is turning out for him. He has nothing. He wants the kids all the time and threatens to take them but only since he had to pay support and he wants them only so he doesn't have to pay for them.

bump

How are you doing...

ARK

Hi I haven't been on lately, ok sometimes and not sometimes. My h called me last week that he wanted to see me and he was at a bar with his gf and when she was in the bathroom he was taking off down the road. Well you guessed it, I went and picked him up and brought him back to the house, and he stayed the night. Yes I gave in and yes the next day went right back to her. Making up lies as to where he stayed. You can guess he didn't say he stayed with me. Is this his way of hurting me because of what I did??

It's probably his way of getting something "fresh" when the OW grows boring to him. He doesn't comprehend things like "hurt" or empathy, Goldie, because he is a practicing alcoholic. He views people only in the terms of how they BENEFIT him. It pleased him to pull that little scam on his OW and use you, instead, for a night.

Goldie, only one thing occupies his heart, and that is booze. Everything else is peripheral. He loves nothing else. I think Plan A is the WORST thing you can do to an alcoholic, because they only view as an opportunity to take advantage. They don't learn from it because they can't learn.

If I were you, I would move right to Plan B and stop enabling this insanity right now. And get yourself to Alanon meetings.

Goldie, something that would really shake him up is if you went right to Plan B and sent him a Plan B letter. Alcoholics are profoundly self centered and hate to be denied.

If you set these 2 boundaries in order to resume contact: Go to AA and sober up AND lose the OW, I bet it would get his attention. He is used to getting what he wants, when he wants and that would be a huge change. It would also protect you and the kids from his alcoholic craziness in the bargain and help you begin detaching from him.