Hi all.
I'm the BS. My H left me two months ago and is now living with the OW.

I cried so much today because I have to give our dog away tomorrow - I called WH. I needed him to comfort me and I needed to ask him if he think I'm doing the right thing for the dog. (we have had very limited contact since WH moved out).

WH was so sweet to tell me he believe I'm doing the right thing and that he is sad about saying goodbye to the dog too. Later in the conversation after I stopped crying, we talked about our son - we agreed that S seems to be OK - he acts like nothing serious has happened. I'm a bit worried that S didn't really react to the separation - he says he is sad we'll loose the dog but he don't cry or anything like that. It's like all these awful things don't bother him.
WH said: "I think it's because you are such a wonderful mother. S feels perfectly safe as always and his everyday life haven't changed that much".

What do you say? Should I be worried about S's apparant lack of 'sad feelings'/reaction?

Danish,

I'd be much more worried about your son if he was with someone different, but after getting to know you a bit, I have to agree with your husband....you are a really good mother and he seems like a pretty well adjusted young man. Just keep the lines of communication open. In some ways, it almost hurt a little doesn't it, that he isn't more upset and doesn't reject the OW. It must feel a little like he's being disloyal to you. I know when it happened to me, my older kids seemed so blase about the whole thing. It didn't affect them. They didn't reject their father. Part of me wished they did, but the loving side of me was happy that they were healthy. Teenagers are the most self centered people on the planet (well except for spouses in the fog), but they're supposed to be. Just keep talking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Danish:
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What do you say? Should I be worried about S's apparant lack of 'sad feelings'/reaction?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not at all. Boys are usually not as expressive about their feelings as are females. Males don't handle their problems the same way we do, by talking about it. They just sort of work it out quietly in their minds while we need to "talk" to heal. Guys don't have to "talk" to heal.

When my other son was killed, the teachers and principal badgered my surviving son to "talk it out." I had to tell them to LAY OFF. He was miserable because they would not leave him alone until I laid down the law. That was just not how he handles his feelings.

I am very sorry that this all happened to your boy at a time when boys MOST need the guidance of their fathers. This is where they learn how to handle all those aggressive feelings that come from all those testosterone jolts they get through puberty.

Mothers tend to want to beat down their aggressive tendencies, but they need a father figure to teach them how to work through them. This is one of the reasons that 70% of teen violence is committed by boys whose fathers are absent.

Thank you Star*fish and MelodyLane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm so glad it's somewhat normal for a teenage boy to behave like this. WH said: "Let's agree he's doing better than expected". Hmmmrrrfff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You're right star*fish... I would love S to say something like: "OW is stupid and she looks like a cow" LOL - but I'm glad he's happy! It means everything to me that my son feels good!

Melody: I'm so sorry that you lost one of your sons <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> - my worries are so small compared to what you must have gone through.

Hi Danish

I have three boys who all handled their dad leaving in different ways. The eldest who was 12 when it happened never talked about it much, behaved as if it was no big deal and never cried or seemed sad. however 12 months down the line his behaviour in school and his work ha sufferd. Its taken 2 years of working with him and supporting him while maintaining boundaries for him to begin to move on in work and behaviour. Its hard to know how much was simple teens rebellion and how much was his reaction to his dad leaving. Keep being the good mother you are, be there for him if he wants to talk and let him come to you rather than push him. Watch for changes in behaviour and work ptterns at school but on't be too quick to blame the separation, work with the school though if it happens. There were days in the middle when I felt LL HELL HAD BROKEN LOOSE WITH MY SON BUT NOW HE IS A CHEERFUL BRIGHT TEENAGER WHO FOR THE MOST PART IS PLEASANT TO BE WITH.

jANTE