As a betrayed spouse, I know first hand how devastating an affair can be to a marriage and how it affects the betrayed spouse. Over and Over again I hear people trying to compromise their reasons to cheat on their spouses and ruin their lives in the process. I know there are many reasons why people stray, but I can't think of one reason why it is acceptable in any situation. Having an affair will ultimately ruin your life and the lives of people around you. Why does this continue to happen over and over again?? All feedback is welcome!

Thanks

Wow .... you had a 4 month span of time between D-day and divorce being final? Where do you live? I never heard of anything so fast.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Wow .... you had a 4 month span of time between D-day and divorce being final? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep,The time span I see is that div. has been final for over TWO YEARA.

Bryan, when are you going to let it go? When are you going to get past it? You seem to be stuck in the anger and shock of it all.

I am on pretty much the same time line, as far as how long this thing has been in my life, but we're div'd now, and I've started to try to heal. I sure don't think I'm still asking the same kinds of ?? you are......

It happened. OK, it wasn't fair, or good, or fun. But it was over 2 years ago, you've got to get past it, please. It isn't productive, it isn't attractive IN you, and it's holding you back from growing/progressing into your future.

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

"Having an affair will ultimately ruin your life and the lives of people around you."

I'm a BS too but I wouldn't agree that a A is necessarily going to ruin the WS's life. That's a pretty bold statement to make about such a complex issue. Perhaps more useful than pointing fingers at others would be to examine how you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage.

Pep posted...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wow .... you had a 4 month span of time between D-day and divorce being final? Where do you live? I never heard of anything so fast. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had not have done some legal maneuvering, mine would have taken only 60 days. I had originally filed a response denying the M was broken, and that was the ONLY thing that stalled it for a while.

Actually, my DV could have been final within 30 days of her filing, since we had lived apart for the 30 days prior...

HCII

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Wow .... you had a 4 month span of time between D-day and divorce being final? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep,The time span I see is that div. has been final for over TWO YEARA.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But as she said, it was only 4 months from d-day to the divorce being final.

From bryans signature
"DDAY 2/16/01
Divorce Final: 6/20/01"

Brian, what state are you in for it to have gone that quickly? Even if your state requires 90 days, it still takes time to get court dates and paperwork done.
Did she have everything completed (for the divorce) before d-day?

An uncontested divorce without complications (custody, finances) can be final in 60 days in Texas. And that's only because the courts require the 60 day "cooling off" period.

Clearly, you did not even give recovery a chance (4 months from d-day to divorce final), and clearly it DID ruin your life (you're still here brooding and blaming after 2 years).

It's probably time to stop blaming PB, taking a good look at yourself, getting honest with yourself, and not remaining a victim. We are not victims unless we make it so.

I would change the topic to "Victimhood...no excuses!!"

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

I 2nd SC's suggested title change!

All you said, PB, is "logical". Maybe even "right." But all of it is also the reasoning behind questions like "do you want 2 be right, or do you want 2 be M'd?". 2uestions like that are very hard 2 answer, and have 2 be examined internally over and over and over and over again.

But I would agree that you went from D-day 2 DV 2 quickly. Not that 4 months isn't enough time IF you've done your homework and are carrying no emotional baggage away with you. ...but it's been 2 years, and you clearly still have the baggage.

What you do now is entirely up 2 you. What do you want your life 2 be like? What do you want 2 reflect? Find that, and make it happen!

-2long

I skipped the over the last few posts, I admit, but I must say that at this moment I am in FULL agreement with the orignal poster.

Affairs, infidelity, CHEATING, is SELFISH, WRONG, and just plain SH!TTY! Not to mention, for those who are religious (which I am not), it's a SIN. But I guess, in the face of great sex with someone new, reality just flies out of the window and it's time to have FUN! It's sickening. As much fun as it would be to spend the money from a bank robbery, it would still make the bank robbery totally wrong and the government would have to pick up the tab.

Affairs are just a crime of human nature and no amount of explaining makes them ok. PERIOD. No amount of examining the past makes them OK. NOTHING makes them ok. It's the person who has them that has their own mental issues or selfishness and just can't be forthcoming or honest enough with themself and their spouse (THE PERSON WHO THEY PROMISED TO BE LOYAL TO!) that is too weak to say no to an affair. Sorry, but I have to say that anyone who has an affair is a weak person. Yeah, we all have our weaknesses. I love sugary high fat foods, but I stay away from them, so my [censored] doesn't look like mount everest. I would love to go on tour with my friend and her band, as I've been invited to do, but declined because I have a family to take care of.

Call me self rightious, go ahead. I am. I am proud of the fact that I stand by my beliefs and don't alter them because I see a hot piece of [censored] walk by that pays me a compliment and I feel flattered by it. I stick to my vows PERIOD. NO excuse.

Wondrme:

"I skipped the over the last few posts, I admit, but I must say that at this moment I am in FULL agreement with the orignal poster."

Congra2lations. This way I can simply direct you 2 my response 2 pb in answer 2 your post.

2 sum up: What are YOU going 2 do now that you've justified your position on this?

regards,
-2long

***Having an affair will ultimately ruin your life and the lives of people around you. Why does this continue to happen over and over again??***

Guys, I wish you all would not be so hard on PositiveBryan. This place is one of the very few where honest feelings on the subject of infidelity are safe -- or are supposed to be.

I am another "PB" who's having a very hard time dealing with the situation. Some situations are worse than others and yes, there ARE some people who will never really get over it. All they can do is try to keep moving and maybe, sometimes, when the pain gnaws at them again, turn to people whom they think will understand. I truly doubt that Bryan stays in this state of mind and does nothing else with his life 24/7.

He asked a legitimate question in what is supposed to be a safe place. He probably got plenty of mocking and bullying and "just get over it and move on" from his WS, and did not expect to find it here.

Does he have to pick up and go on with his life? Yes, he does, especially since he is now divorced. But I do wish that some of you here could understand that some people will never fully recover from the kind of experience he had, and that those folks need a place like this just as much as those who are enjoying a happy recovery.

I'm sure no one would be happier than Bryan to move on and forget what happened, if that were possible. But if it's not, I don't think that tearing him up again for "not getting over it fast enough" is going to help anything.

Let's not allow our anger, hurt, and pain cloud our minds.

No poster here said anything that could even remotely be considered justifying an affair. The fact that we may direct PB to concentrate on OTHER things instead of remaining a victim of this unfortunate situation, does not mean we disagree with his position on affairs. What it means is that we are more interested in his rebuilding HIS life, instead of brooding over the wrong that was done him forever.

Don't be a victim, PB. Being a victim only causes you pain, and will cause any other partner you may have in the future pain. Forgive and move on, but move on on the force of your heart, not the force of your anger and hurt...those will propel you back to the same place over and over again.

psycho_b:

What SC said.

"He asked a legitimate question in what is supposed to be a safe place. He probably got plenty of mocking and bullying and "just get over it and move on" from his WS, and did not expect to find it here."

It wasn't my intent, at least, 2 bully him here.

"Does he have to pick up and go on with his life? Yes, he does, especially since he is now divorced. But I do wish that some of you here could understand that some people will never fully recover from the kind of experience he had, and that those folks need a place like this just as much as those who are enjoying a happy recovery."

Yes they do. But I have 2 differ with your remark that some people will never recover. That may be, but the purpose of this forum is 2 help even these "hopeless" people do just that, recover. Find the strength within them (where it always was, waiting 2 be tapped), 2 truly forgive the perceived wrongs done 2 them in the past and move forward with a much healthier atti2de about relationships. Life is short. There really is no healthy option 2 working right smack dab through the pain 2 get 2 the other side. You can't go around it. A WS may have made it seem like "forgetting and moving on" is a viable alternative by simply leaving or DVing or something, but the responsibility we have 2 ourselves 2 find strength, happiness and integrity solely from within before seeking those things in others remains.

"I'm sure no one would be happier than Bryan to move on and forget what happened, if that were possible. But if it's not, I don't think that tearing him up again for "not getting over it fast enough" is going to help anything. "

I sincerely hope that nobody wants Bryan 2 forget what happened. That would set him up for being subjected 2 it again in a fu2re relationship. As for "not fast enough", look at me! I've been in plan A (or something like it) for over 18 months now. Sure, sometimes I feel like people are telling me 2 hurry up and fish or cut bait, but most of the time I do an adequate job of sifting through the advice... ...and sometimes I don't even misinterpret it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

best
-2long

wondrme..

Excellent Post! Well done!

TO EVERYONE..

Thanks for your support and feedback! My life is wonderful now. I am engaged to a fantastic girl and life is great! My post is not an attempt to be negative or frustrated about my past. I just wanted feedback on why some people would risk messing up their own lives, their children, acquiring STD's or AIDS through selfish behavior and potentially passing it to their spouse. I know many people who have committed adultery in their marriage. The common theme is, "What they don't know won't hurt them." (very selfish indeed)

Our ability to reason effectively is the only thing that separates us from the animals when it comes to a mate being tempted.

Sooooo how did the divorce happen so fast? I really don't know how the paperwork was turned over with such lightening speed .... not to mention the turn over of emotional people involved with such a monumental decision.

Pep

I am very fortunate to have discovered my ex-wife's affair. My divorce was final in September 2001 formally. She decided the marriage wasn't "HER THING" after putting me through hell for 7 months. To this day, she admits it was the STUPIDEST thing she has ever done.. You know what.......SHE WAS RIGHT!

Pepperband..

The divorce was formally final on September 9, 2001. She didn't want to be married anymore. Marriage wasn't her thing!

Who filed? When did the filing occur?

This is interesting ..... there was never any attempt at reconciliation?

What did you do to heal?

PB:

I'm really worried about you.

"I just wanted feedback on why some people would risk messing up their own lives, their children, acquiring STD's or AIDS through selfish behavior and potentially passing it to their spouse."

Think about it. It's an act of selfish DESPERATION. Why is the WS desperate, you might ask? Good question! My WS had an A because she didn't think I was listening 2 her cries for help. Is she selfish? She certainly has been. Is she s2pid? Very definitely not. Was the A s2pid? I think so.

So the next 2uestion I have for you is: What do you think the source of your xW's desperation was? Think about it. Talk it over with your fiance.

"I know many people who have committed adultery in their marriage. The common theme is, "What they don't know won't hurt them." (very selfish indeed)"

This may be a commonly vocalized theme, but I would bet your last dollar that, assuming any of these people are very "deep", the real "theme" is more like "I've tried everything 2 bring us closer, but he just ignores me. Then along came XXX, who understands me, appreciates me, doesn't judge me..." THAT is the common theme as far as I've been able 2 determine.

"Our ability to reason effectively is the only thing that separates us from the animals when it comes to a mate being tempted."

Well, I've got sad new for you. We are still animals. Our ability 2 reason enables us 2 rationalize our behavior, particularly in cases of affairs. Sad, but true.

...and who knows if whales, dolphins, or even Cuttlefish don't think? Until the 1800s, "experts" believed that deaf people were retarded, because they couldn't communicate until sign language came along... ...but that's another story. We're just not that far removed from that evolutionary tree as we would sometimes like 2 believe.

-ol' 2long