I recently broke off a one year affair. I can't believe it ever happened to someone like myself and I am doing hard work to learn from this awful behavior. I now know (at the expense of tremendous heart ache) that I need to work on regaining the fun back into our relationship. My H does not yet know about the affair as I was not found out or discovered but now I must figure out how to tell him. I started the affair when my husband and I were neglecting each others basic needs. I was swept away by this man's ability to let loose and have a good time. He was attentive to me. Yes, I am still in "love" a.k.a. the fog with my OM but it has already been awhile since we broke it off (very mutually as I want get on with my real life and he is a seriel cheater who very much wants out because of the emotional part was getting heavier) and he lives a plane ride away - so, we are not in jepardy of seeing/speaking to one another again. The hard part is I know most of you all are the betrayed spouse so I hope you can provide me with some non-judgemental, productive feedback as I am truly re-investing into my marriage.

I so want to spare our marriage the hurt of revealing such a betrayel. It is hard enough for me now as I am so weepy and depressed over the breakup - why add to it the pain and hurt of a relevation? I am in therapy twice a week now and we have been doing marriage counseling but stopped about three months ago. If I do reveal it should not I do it when I am over the OM? Should we do MC again and if so what if he says we don't need to because he thinks we are doing really well. I do not know how long it takes to get over such an affair but I do know that the OM was not nice to me like my husband so I am going to guess it is more about forgiving myself for falling for all the "lines" and acts your mother always warns you about. I am close to being out of the fog and he, I know, intends on no contact with me. Can I spare my H the truth?

Welcome. I hope the people here can be helpful.

The reason I'm responding is you mentioned that the OM is a serial cheater. Have you been having unprotected sex with him? If so, you need to tell your husband and get yourself tested for STD's. There are serious illnesses out there and they can affect anyone.

I don't think you can spare your H the pain of knowing about the affair, given the nature of the OM's serial cheating. It's important to think about his life and his health, if you care about him.

The marriage counseling didn't have much of a chance, since there was another party in the picture that neither the counselor nor your H knew about.

Good luck.

Elli,

No, you can't spare him the truth. It isn't the truth that hurts marriages, but adultery. To withhold the truth is to compound the harm.

To withhold facts about his own marriage is cruel, dangerous and manipulative and is just as bad as committing adultery. Your marriage will never achieve the intimacy that is required to sustain a marriage without telling him the truth. He has a right to know what is going on his own life.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be on him because he will know you held this secret for a long time. You need to put your feelings aside and put his best interest and right to know FIRST.

And yes, it will be tough on you to tell him, but it will be much harder on him. The damage has already been done, he just doesn't know about it yet.

Here is what Harley says about it:

“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Your very last line ....

"Can I spare my H the truth?"

Do you realize you are judging your H with this comment? Is your H retarded? Is he an abusive drunk? Is he a gun-weilding danger to the community? Is he a weakling with no backbone? Is he an emotional midget? Is he an emotional abuser?

Your reason for sparing your H the truth ....

Is it so he won't see you for the woman you really are? So you want to spare him that truth?

Be honest, you'll make progress if you own up to the actual reasons you want to spare your H the truth.

The truth is an ugly fact about you.

The truth is also a beautiful fact about you! You love your H enough to trust him with the truth of who you really are.

Faith takes a leap.

Fear holds you back.

You get to decide what kind of woman you are (again) .... maybe this time, you'll make a better choice.

Love and courage to you. You are not a monster, but you have personal weaknesses.

Look at your weaknesses and expose them to your h as well as to yourself if you want to get stronger where you once were weak.

Pep

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Elli,

The ladies have given you some very compelling reasons to bring honesty into your marriage. I will offer you one more to think about and you will find it very ironic. The ONE person that can comfort you, ease your guilt, and make you happy with yourself again is... YOUR H. The person you are going to hurt most, the person that just might leave you when he finds out, is very likely to be the person that can make your life better.

How odd is that. What these ladies are telling you is that you are robbing your H of his choices, but one of his choices is to endure the pain, and help make the marriage better and give you what you will need very much. Forgiveness. He will never forgive you, if he is never given the chance.

I don't know how much reading you have done, but I would like to suggest that you read Surviving an Affair by Harley. There are a few other books out there but this one is good. I would also like to suggest that you read some of the articles on this site.

You have heard about the Policy of joint agreement, POJA, and radical honesty, please read the articles. Also read the articles on disrespectful judgements, DJ's, as well as the 4 rules for a good marriage. They are simple, obvious, common sense, and NOT followed nearly well enough by most of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have a lot to decide. You didn't say if you had children or not, and you didn't say how long the affair has been over, please also read the articles about "withdrawal" following the affair.

I think that as the people here get to know your story you will find that there will be a lot of help, advice, and just comfort to be found here.

God Bless,

JL

Elli: From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.”

... Many people cannot handle the inner burden of lies and deception, so one day they blurt out the truth. As with any wrongdoing there is always a concomitant need to confess. Some people will simply tell the truth, while others will unconsciously set up a situation that will expose them. The effect on one’s spouse is the same regardless: shock, intense pain, rage, and doubt that this hurt can ever heal and trust be reestablished.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read "Torn Asunder", by Carder for some examples of how unconfessed affairs damage marriages.

Click on the link in my signature line for some more info and some tools helpful for recovery.

Thank you all for your wise words. I realized after reading your responses that I am still in the fog with this man more than I thought and I am scared to reveal it to my H. My parents and best of friends know all about it and many of them tell me NOT to tell!!! I have severe mixed emotions about what to do on top of being so sad about the ending of it all. The hard part (and those who Wives of WH have been on the other side can laugh) is that he dumped me so my ego is hurt and it makes me want him more but I have resisted the temptation to call/write in case it is a manipulation technique on his part AND because I want so, so much to reconnect with my H as I would hope he would reconnect with his W (but I seriously doubt that a possibility from his past A). Is it true that time will heal all wounds? I still need more convincing to tell my H and yes, I have read everything the Harley's wrote amongst many other books. This is from the heart and from experience not from textbook. Any first hand experience advice is needed, wanted and listened to.

Thanks.

Thank you all for your wise words. I realized after reading your responses that I am still in the fog with this man more than I thought and I am scared to reveal it to my H. My parents and best of friends know all about it and many of them tell me NOT to tell!!! I have severe mixed emotions about what to do on top of being so sad about the ending of it all. The hard part (and those who Wives of WH have been on the other side can laugh) is that he dumped me so my ego is hurt and it makes me want him more but I have resisted the temptation to call/write in case it is a manipulation technique on his part AND because I want so, so much to reconnect with my H as I would hope he would reconnect with his W (but I seriously doubt that a possibility from his past A). Is it true that time will heal all wounds? I still need more convincing to tell my H and yes, I have read everything the Harley's wrote amongst many other books. This is from the heart and from experience not from textbook. Any first hand experience advice is needed, wanted and listened to.

Thanks.

Hi Elli;

I posted this on another thread some time ago, but I think you need to see it and ponder it. Perhaps this will help you see why it is in your marriage's best interest to divulge the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If someone's love, respect, friendship, admiration, or compassion for us depends on that person NOT knowing something or some things about us, how "real" is that sentiment this person has for us?, and is THAT the kind of love respect, friendship, admiration, or compassion that we want? fake love? false respect?, undeserved compassion? misplaced admiration? false friendship?
REAL love, respect, admiration, friendship and compassion come from those who care enough about us that they will give us these things BECAUSE they know our shortcomings. Because they love us for what we really are; for doing the best we can; for admitting our mistakes and shortcoming, not for a false image we have projected.

If we allow our relationships to be based on these false premises, then we are forever bound by the lie, we are forever subject to losing them, as they are based on falsehood.

Just HOW REAL is love based on a false image?

How real is YOUR love for someone who pretends to be what he/she is not?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know and have more respect for your spouse for being honest? Otherwise you are still disrespecting your husband and your marriage. Basically what you are saying is that lying, cheating and withholding the truth from your husband is acceptable behavior. If you truly believe this then I can offer you no advise but only wish you luck. Again if the roles were reversed what would you want?

Thanks all. Deep down, I do believe I should tell him now all I need is the courage.

Here's another reason to reveal the truth to your H and that is to avoid falling back into the same A or having another one in the future. You said in your last post "The hard part is that he dumped me so my ego is hurt and it makes me want him more.." now ask yourself the following question, 'If my H knew the truth, how easily would it be for me to fall back into the A with OM?' I beleive you know the answer to that don't you? Remember that the OM is a master seducer and if he beleives that your H is still unaware of your A with him, he might want to take another shot at you in the future, something which would be highly unlikely if he knew that your H was watching very closely for any signs of his presence. So consider this other benefit of telling your H the truth about your A.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

If you need help finding a way to tell your husband, work with your counselor on it. Surely your counselor knows what is going on. It could be that, after you deal with the trauma of bringing the affair into the light, you may not need to see the counselor twice a week.

I am a BS and I know what I would want. I would want to know about it from my WW as soon as possible so that I could start to work on healing and dealing with all of the emotions and problems that this type of behavior brings out. I am going to counseling and I don't know what you should do. But, I agree with talking to your counselor. Perhaps even bring your husband to counseling after a period of time. I do know this though, you have to be strong and you have to do the right thing, and you are the only one that can figure that out. I sincerely hope you that you will be successful at healing your marriage.

Oh Geeeez Elli,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My parents and best of friends know all about it and many of them tell me NOT to tell!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your parents and your best friends know that you are cheating on your H and they condone this? No wonder they told you not to tell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Does anyone you know respect your H? Have respect for marriage? Have respect for you?

Elli, I am going to sound very harsh right now, so bear with me, but do you realize what that quote suggests? It suggests that not only does OM not have any respect for you or marriage, but neither do your friends or family.

The old "oh! poor Elli she just couldn't help herself. I know she shouldn't be doing this but she needs to be happy and since she cannot make herself happy, then I guess OM will have to do it."

Your family and friends don't think much of your abilities Elli. They don't think much of or value your integrity. They surely don't think much of marriage.

Girl, this is going to be hard ( well duh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) because when you tell your H, he is going to feel betrayed by you and your parents, and your friends who supported you. They are going to be real low on his list of valued people.

On the other hand, if you don't tell, your parents and your friends will KNOW you have little respect for your H, and of course they will have NO respect for him either. You have no idea the consequences of lies, but the damage is NOT just to you.

You have made liars out of your parents and friends. They know and knew what was going on and they didn't tell your H. They lied to him for you.

I don't know if you truely appreciate this, but someone in your family and circle of friends is going to have to step up and show some honesty, and that someone is you OR you will all live your life as liars.

You put your family and friends in this position and you need to get them out of it.

Frankly, you don't have a marriage now. Can you imagine bringing your H to see your parents or having them in your/HIS home and they know that the marriage is one large lie?

Elli, I think it is time you go down to the hardware store and buy a big fan. You need to blow off this fog as soon as possible. Your OM made a fool and a liar out of you, you and OM have made fools and liars our of your parents and friends.

I think it is time you set things straight, more than just your honor is at stake.

You have created a gigantic mess, and while you would sort of like to slip under the radar screen and sort of make it all better, you cannot. The only way through this is HONESTY, painful, perhaps very costly, but RADICAL HONESTY is the only way for you to regain what you so easily gave away. Your interity and that of your family and friends.

I know this is harsh, but I just don't see how you can face bringing your H around family and friends, when you know they have so little respect for him or themselves.

Please think about this. I am sure others will have some constructive comments to say, but as you can guess you hit a button with me. When you brought your family and friends into this and made them party to your affair and the lies, you created a mess that you CANNOT dance around. THat is my opinion.

God Bless,

JL

Yes. I created a mess. I wanted people to know because I so want to tell my husband. I do not want to be a liar and a cheat so I'm at least trying to be honest with everyone else yet it is terrible that I am afraid to tell my husband - it is shameful, pitiful, I know. Yet, seeing my IC has taught me to forgive myself. I am gradually beginning to see through accepting my behavior and faults so when the time for the A to be over it will REALLY be over - none of this on/off stuff so many other A have because it will be authentic - it will be from my heart - and yes, that is beginning to happen. I know, I must tell my husband. It will happen but I'm not ready yet. I honestly, do not expect the OM to make contact with me because I do respect myself and I do respect all the parties involved.

Thanks for your continued support. All your comments and insights really force me to think in many directions. Thank you!

Hi Elli,

Just wanted to add, the longer you wait to tell your husband, the worse it will seem to him, because although you have been dealing with it all this time, his view of the A will be RECENT and LENGTHY ... regardless if it's ended or not.

I wouldn't waste too much more time, you always risk the chance he'll find out from the several people who already know about it, his family and friends. Do you want him to find out from them and not from you???

Jo

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Elli,

Don't be so hard on yourself, Hon. The good news is you found this site and want to rebuild your marriage. We'll support you in that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jo

Elli you are not a bad person. You made a terrible choice in having the A but you have ended it and are trying to make amends for it. But I advice you to heed Resilient wise words about your H finding about your A from others, for if he does, then it will be a lot harder for him to forgive and reconcile with you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Elli,

You are seeing an IC. I suspect that the goal of the IC is make your life seem better, to make you feel better about yourself, and so forth. But, does the IC focus on helping you save your marriage. If not, perhaps you need yet another counselor to work on that.

When you decide to tell your H it is often recommended that you do so in the presence of a counselor. Often the counselor can help you phrase and approach things in a manner that will help your H. However, if their focus is to have a "happy" client(YOU), they may not be very good at supporting your H. Perhaps your previous marriage counselor could help with this part.

Please think about these things. As Coffeeman and resilent have stated the longer this goes, the worse it will seem.

Finally, I think you need to clarify for me what you said about where you want to be when you tell your H. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yet, seeing my IC has taught me to forgive myself. I am gradually beginning to see through accepting my behavior and faults so when the time for the A to be over it will REALLY be over - none of this on/off stuff so many other A have because it will be authentic - it will be from my heart - and yes, that is beginning to happen. I know, I must tell my husband. It will happen but I'm not ready yet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While learning to forgive yourself is a good thing, it probably doesn't hold much water UNTIL you have faced the consequences of your actions. I don't know what you mean "see through accepting my behavior and faults so when the time for the A to be over it will REALLY be over"

If you think by being over that you are not thinking about the OM and such, it will be a long while in fact years. THat is why Harley counsels NO CONTACT. If you mean you are not certain you want to be with your H, then now is the time to tell H so HE has a choice in this matter, it could save you a lot of effort if he just decides to leave. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am very confused by what you are saying, so please make it clearer for this confused guy, OK?

Meanwhile, do your parents and friends have contact with your H? How are they dealing with the idea that you are having an affair and your H doesn't know?

I go back to your opening statement </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I recently broke off a one year affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't sound as if that statement is really true. Am I just confused? Please enlighten me.

God Bless,

JL