Hello, MBers:

I posted a few times back in April and May. I've been Plan A'ing, have gone back to work since we've spent $$$ on marriage and psychological counseling, and things are going pretty well. Thanks partly to the OW's self-destructive behavior at work where she told everyone in the department about her A with my H and she's been badmouthing him and trying to make herself a "victim of his aggression", my H is coming out of a fog. While everyone knows there is no credibility as to what she's saying about him, he's very uncomfortable in the office, and has said several times that she's just a very nasty person. He's told me that he appreciates how sweet and loving I am being to him and how I'm making efforts trying to put this all behind us. He has also said that he was in another world while he had the A, and he's doing a great job of being Daddy to our son, who was barely two months old when he started his A.

While things between us are going fairly well, I'm struggling personally - it's been hard especially the last few days. He thinks everything is fine now and we don't need marriage counseling anymore. He thinks we saved our marriage. We did save our marriage - we survived the storm. Yet, he does not realize we need to work on emotional reactions I (or he may) get sometimes when triggered. He says with a smirk that all women are very emotional, hinting both the OW and I are on the same level. I may have been a very emotional woman especially immediately after the childbirth, but not now. Every time he makes a comment like that, I'm bothered that he does not seem repentant for what he's done. He's said he's sorry, but one time he said that it's all his fault, and took it back and said that it's mostly his fault but the rest is mine. I've told him a few times since the D-day that I had shortcomings in our marriage and had a small part in this mess to happen but it was his choice to have an A. It doesn't seem he truly comprehends that.

How can he still blame me for this? What is wrong with being a first-time mom trying to be a good mom when he just didn't want to help with the newborn and focused on something else even though he knew I needed help? I know there are other things before the birth of our son that he didn't like about in our marriage, and I know - both my H and Steve H. told me - that the A just happened to start when it started, but it still hurts so much that he badmouthed everything about me when all I was trying to do was trying to be a mom to our child.

My H worked OT last night. He wanted to make love when he got home and told me to be ready but ended up staying up until 1:00 am to work on his work stuff. I wanted to make love, too, so I tried a few times in the morning to see if he still wanted to. He said he was tired and we didn't have time, but then proceeded to pretend to masturbate. I expressed my displeasure, to which he said he was kidding. Then, he said to me that he had to get to the office by 7:00 am and had to leave a little earlier. These were the exact things he did to me while the A was going on, so I started crying and couldn't stop for a good while. He asked me why I was crying, and I told him that I was feeling the intense pain all over after this "chain of events" and that I was sorry for crying. He seemed to understand and said that he deserves this - yet asked me what I wanted him to do. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO ASK??? I asked him to just be supportive, to which he said, "I am being supportive". He assured me that the A was completely over and gave me a hug, but it just didn't feel truly genuine.

I thought I've forgiven him but if I'm feeling like I am now, maybe I haven't. Or am I being harsh and judgmental? If I were the one who cheated on him, I would be doing everything I can to show him how truly sorry I am, but what I see is that he's not really sorry and wants to forget and move on. I don't want to be resentful but resentment is building up slowly, especially since I'm the one who's doing 95% of rebuilding our relationship.

How can I get through this? Will he ever get to the point where he's truly repentant? Can we really have a better relationship? Your advice is appreciated.

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Hopefulandfaithful ]</small>

Just yesterday, my wife & I were talking about another couple who'd divorced this past year. The woman had since remarried to her lover & was due with a child soon (conceived during affair is what we had concluded).
My wife just got all teary-eyed and told me how happy she is to be out of her affair (our 1 year D-day is Aug. 18th).
I told her last night how good that made me feel to see her crying without me "manipulating emotions" from her. That her tears seemed so genuine & heartfelt to me.....the 1st time I can truly say.
Lots of tears over the past months.......but these meant something totally different. She was truly remorsefull for what she'd done. She was reminded of how near she came to losing her family & life as she knew it.....for what?....a manipulative (lesbian)"friend" who got what she wanted and was more than happy to move on, leaving my family in her wake of destruction.

This was the first time for nearly a year I can tell you she has realized the severity of her actions.
And it made me feel good!
I saw her true heart....

God Bless

Probably NOT what you are going to want to hear but here it goes.... Are you sure the A is over?

Your H is acting like my H when he was having A. He would say he was working late and for me to be ready when he came home because he wanted me so bad -- it was to throw me off. And since you were still awake, he pretended to have to work once he got home -- if he really wanted you to be ready, he would have come up and done the deed and then gone back down to work. And the fact that he didn't want to in the AM... again, what my H would do -- he didn't want it in the AM because he already had his needs met the prior evening w/the OW...

Maybe this isn't the case... I would do some snooping. Is there any way you can find out if he was really working until 1 am? Was he on the computer?

I thought about whether the A is really over, too. I am 99.9% sure it is. But I do think that he still thinks about the fantasy relationship he had with her occasionally. He was at the computer the last I saw him last night. He was getting frustrated with the system he was working on because it wasn't doing what he wanted it to do. I also know they were having a problem with the same system all day long yesterday, so I'm pretty sure he was really working. He was saying, though, the other day how she's "buttering up" to everyone in the depatment except for him to "re-establish" her credibility, as she's been told she's got to find a job elsewhere but hasn't been able to find one because of bad economy and complete lack of qualified skills. He says she's downright nasty, which is how she's always been, so I'm pretty sure it's over. But she may have changed her mind and decided to butter up to him...? If she did, I'd say she's really really dumb. I really don't think that's the case not just because that's not what I want to hear but because she's gone back to her violent husband who could literally hurt her if she does it again. She's just so dumb to begin with.