i am thinking about writing a letter to OM. i have no clue what to say well i do but i dont know that its the right thing to say. this is an admitted "friendship" that involved some hugging and kissing. she swears there is no more than that and based on her comments about our friends that have had sexual affairs i know she is telling me the truth. this now is a long distence EA via telephone. she is no longer living with me she is staying with her parents. the OM is divorced. anyone done this or know where i can get more info about it?

thanks

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: jbpal ]</small>

Here is a letter, offered as a sample, that was used by a woman poster here. Her situation is a bit different but the idea is the same. Keep it very short and simple.

You know of the affair
You love your wife and want to work on your marriage
You are asking him to do the right thing and step aside

Also read the link in my signature block about Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters. It does into this and much much more.

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I KNOW you and MY HUSBAND are having an A, I have ALL the evidence to prove it. I can understand how you fell in love with MY HUSBAND (I to am in love with him) BUT your love is NO justification for having an affair with MY HUSBAND. It is WRONG and YOU A MARRIED WOMAN, of all people, SHOULD KNOW IT, and for this reason I respectfully request that you IMMEDIATELY end your relationship with MY HUSBAND FOREVER. Sincerely Lulu. P.S. I'm forwarding ALL information about your affair with MY HUSBAND, to YOUR HUSBAND
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Remember keep this simple. This is not about you pour your heart out to the OM. He is nothing to you, you only want him out of the way. The real problems are between you and your wife.

jbpal,

I wrote a couple of emails to OM. I don't think it did any good, but... I'll give you my "advice" anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Probably your W has told OM something about you.

I think you want to persuade OM that :

1) You are a real person and, if you have kids, that they also are real people who are being hurt. I think that is key.

2) You are not a monster. You are not this unsensitive pig - or whaterver your W has said about you.

So...

That means that your message has to be civil, literate, rational, non-threatening. Writing that you will "make him pay" or somesuch will only confirm that you are a dangerous bad guy - just like your W said (if she said that).

Anything you know about your W's OM you can use to advantage. The better you know him or know what's important to him or what image he wants to create for himself, the more likely you will be able to influence him.

Good luck,

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

thanks for your help. this is what i sent via email. i dont even know if its the right email, its the one my wife gave me when i asked for it.

"(OM),

i want to let you know that i am well aware of what is going on between you and my wife. i am sure at this point you already know that. i want you to know that i love my wife and daughter dearly and want our marriage to work. i am requesting that you do the right thing for my family. if you really care about (wife) do the right thing and step aside so that (wife) and i can work on our marriage without any outside influence.

Sincerely
(me)."

i also sent a copy of this to my wife at the same time.

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: jbpal ]</small>

has anyone ever got a response from OP after sending a letter to them?

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: jbpal ]</small>

jbpal,

That sound fine.

Don't expect him to just say "Ok", but it might have just a little bit of an effect.

-AD

jb,

Yeah, I got a response - after about a month, and under circumstances which led me to believe that my W had prompted OM to reply to my email.

He said something like
"I know that there is nothing good that can come of my relationship with W, and I'm sorry for the pain I have given to you and your family. But I just want to continue to send her books, since she can't easily get books in her native language there."

(Actually, we had a couple of hundred books in her native language and good sources for them where we could (and did) buy anything she wanted.)

After this message, however, nothing changed.

She kept calling him, and he kept sending emails and such ... eventually it led to PA, as I expected.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more encouraging to say.

-AD

When you get the very best letter possible, post it here and ask TMCM (coffee guy) to look it over.

Then .... this is my "peppery" side <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .... send it to him .... AND send it to the local paper .... or church paper, or company paper, and your friends and your attorney, of course your in-laws, and any of HIS family ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you're going to do this .... do this!

Coffee man will come here and straighten me out now!

Pep

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

well i just got an email reciept say OM recieved letter. now to wait and see if i get a response.

Is the OM married? If he is you must send an e-mail or letter to his W telling her about the A(affair) her H is having with your W. This is an important component of Plan A, and it is to expose the A to those closest to him.

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

no he is divorced

Yes, I wrote to OW. Here&#8217;s a little background: My husband and I were very good friends with another couple with whom we did everything. Our kids were best friends too. On 1/2/03 the other H revealed to me his suspicions his W and my H were having an A for the past 6 months. A couple of months after D-Day (during which time there had been no contact and the A was supposedly over) I found out that OW had written my H a letter asking to &#8220;get together to talk&#8221; to see how each other was doing.

I wrote a letter to OW, and I felt totally justified in doing so (after all, we were friends before this mess!). Not only did my husband betray me, but she did too. I tried to be rational and logical, but my letter was definitely negative and sarcastic in tone. I made it clear to her that she betrayed me and was continuing to do so, that their affair was a delusion based on lies and deceit, and also that I was shocked at her disregard for all our children. I asked her to stay out of our marriage and give us a chance to heal; if it didn&#8217;t work out, she could have him. I showed the letter to my WH before I sent it, and his response was that if it made me feel better, then I should go ahead and send it.

For several months, despite telling us (me and her H) that it was over, the A continued in some sense. They would have &#8220;one last meeting&#8221; or a &#8220;final conversation&#8221; but they could never quite end it. When OW became aware that her H and I were still in contact and were keeping each other informed (and thus revealing their continued lies) she wrote me a nasty e-mail telling me to mind my own business and accusing me of interfering with her life by staying in touch with her H (!). This prompted a flurry of e-mails back and forth between her and me in which she really revealed her true colors, which my WH could no longer ignore. My WH said recently to our MC, "I now know I could never exchange my W for her" (meaning OW). YES!!

I believe these exchanges definitely had something to do with the demise of the A. So even though our circumstances are different, I say go for it. It can&#8217;t hurt, and at the very least it&#8217;ll make you feel better.

BS (me) - 45
WH &#8211; 51
Married 14 yrs (together 23 yrs)
2 children (D-13, S-10)
H had 6-mo. EA/PA with mutual &#8220;good friend&#8221;
D-Day 1/2/03
After several false recoveries, I believe A is now over. We&#8217;ll see.

I think that it depends on where you and your spouse are in your relationship as to whether it is of any use to try to "talk" to the OP. By letter or any other way.

If you and your spouse are currently trying to sort things out and make things work, then I would say go for it. Let the OP know where you both stand and that you would appreciate them getting out of your life and letting you get on with things.

On the other hand, if the A is not over, then it really does no good, and might even do harm. If the A is still going on, then it's apparent that your spouse currently has as much or more loyalty to the OP as they do to you and telling the OP how you feel (even if it's done in a respectful manner) might pit the two of them against you. Not the best place to be.

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: high_road ]</small>