My W about a month ago, said she was going to give me my chance. I asked what that meant and she told me she spoke with the OM and told him that she was going to give me my chance.

In some ways, I get a little irriatated at her saying that because I have been bettering myself and trying to be a nicer person for a long time now. She see's it, knows it, still doesn't do anything different. There she went and started an EA and I am the one trying to make everything better, like it is all my fault.

So here her and I stand, me listening more, interested in what she is saying, really trying to create a nice marriage environment. I read this site, others, am reading Fighting for your marriage books, etc... While she takes it all in and sits and reads a book about nothing to do with bettering your life and marriage.

I am frusturated and in some ways feeling myself going into withdraw and pissed off hood most of the time, but trying to smile. My smile is about gone and even though I will not fight anymore with her, I am ready to walk. I think she feels like things will either get better or they won't, without us doing anything. I can tell her this, they definately will not get better as long as I continue to feel this way.

Se still works with the OM and the group they are a part of does the lunch almost everyday, etc... Those are the facts and her leaving the company is not going to happen and in many ways, I wouldn't feel like much of a husband if I felt like she was with me because he was out of site.

I am seriously about to pull my hair out and scream, because I am getting nothing in return and she is showing no sign of really wanting this to work...

Any advice on how I can approach her, so we can get on the right step. A C is not somethign she would be willing to do.

Thanks.

Loose the 'victim' mindset and instead of trying to force your WW to see how wonderful you are, improve yourself for your benefit NOT hers. If she doesn't appreciate the changes, then it's her loss and if and when you decide to move on with your life, you won't be taking with you your personality flaws that contributed to the bad state of your M. I also suggest that you consider following Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Remember that the only person you can change is you. If your change is genuine, it will have a profound impact on your W.

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

If she is serious about your marriage then she needs to quit her job and find another position.
If there is continued contact with the OM then the chances of recovery are slim and a continued lack of respect for you. How do you think she would feel if you got caught in a sexual affair and you continued to work and have lunch with her and other friends everyday? No contact is absolutely essential. I do not know how you can deal with the fact that she has lunch with this guy everyday in a group?

"My W about a month ago, said she was going to give me my chance. I asked what that meant and she told me she spoke with the OM and told him that she was going to give me my chance."

It sounds like she is doing you a favor if you behave yourself. Otherwise she is not going to play with you. She even got permission from her bf to do this. No wonder you feel like dumping her.

Thanks for the advice. It definately is tough either way.

I have been doing alot of what the above list shows. At the same time though I am needing some sign of hope because I am really feeling like life is to short and feeling like this can't go on for ever. My fear with my W is that she will just continue to do nothing and things will stay the same. I will continue to smile and improve myself, but at some moment, something has got to happen.

I am thinking about giving her my Fighting for your marriage book, my Dr. Phil relationship Rescue CD set, and her wedding ring on top. At that time, I would say to her when she is serious about improving the marriage and moving forward, please let me know.

?

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<small>[ August 05, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am thinking about giving her my Fighting for your marriage book, my Dr. Phil relationship Rescue CD set, and her wedding ring on top. At that time, I would say to her when she is serious about improving the marriage and moving forward, please let me know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'd be committing the love buster called disrespectful judgement, and it would probably gain you nothing.

What would happen to you if you gave her another 6 months before you made the decision of divorcing her? Would you lose the oportunity to meet the 'perfect' woman to be your next wife? Would you shun all women and opt for never marrying again? or Are you really afraid that you might end up losing all your love for your W as well as all desire for the marriage, at the precise moment that she would start making the sought out changes that you so desperately want?

As I said before, do the changes FOR YOUR BENEFIT NOT HERS for if you do decide to divorce her, there is a good chance that you will marry again and unless you want to become a statistic of the higher failure rate for second marriages, you would do well in not taking with you those personal flaws that contributed to the bad state of your marriage (she is 100% responsible for chosing to have the affair) and that can only happen if you make the necessary changes to improve yourself. Trust me on this because I am on my second marriage and if I had not done some personal changes for the better, I would not have the wonderful marriage that I have now. So if your WW doesn't appreciate your positive changes, I'm pretty sure that the next woman you marry will.

My big concern is this. My W is a procrastinator and rarely takes the bull by the horns. I understand about bettering myself and I really have been for some time now. The goal I have been trying for is to maybe see some sort of spark in my W's eyes, instead of feeling like she is just going through the motions.

By going through the motions, I mean being friendly with me, taking care of our son, being roomates basically, buddies.

I honestly feel she is only staying because it is what everyone thinks is best, but that she really doesn't want to be there. That sure is a feeling killer when you realize, whether it is true or not that your W, would like to be with someone else.

My problem I guess is, how can I focus on just myself and at the same time provide her an environment that is loving, peaceful, and something she wants to be a part of. I hate to feel like some arthritis that she just gets used to over the years, but never really wants it.

Please read The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and especially The Rule Of Time . For how is she going to fall in love with you if you don't make a committment to set aside at least 15 hours a week for just the two of you?