This has been the worst week of my whole life....

I simply can't take anymore or I'm gonna crack up...or H is....

Things have been rough, I guess recovery has never been truly started...H is still here, but won't commit 100% to fixing this...he says..."Everything's fine the way it is, we just need to stop fighting." He doesn't want to separate, either..."Let's give this a few more months to see where it goes."

He sees every single discussion as a fight. His definition- Any conversation that makes him think too much, or arouses any type of uncomfortable feeling, is a fight. No angry outbursts, raised voices or LB's required. All nice and quiet, I'm beginning to get to useful stuff, but later on or the next day, he'll say it was a fight....and be mad...instant gratification revisionist history..

Won't go to counseling, I've been asking him to do this since last October! He says I can go for myself if I want to, but paying for it is out of the question....if I hide any cash or otherwise deceive him about the finances, I'll be breaking a promise I made to him to address his concerns in this area...and he's the master of scorekeeping...

I've been doing what I can, and everytime he tries to give me his crap, I give it back. Trying to differentiate meeting EN's from enabling...EN's, yes, enable, no...enforcing my boundaries....

Things started going bad last July...so it's been a year...I've been hanging here at MB since last October.

My only demands for 10 months have been...100% in or out, and we need help....IC & MC...

I think I've been enabling him....he can be on the fence, I'm the only one making changes, I can see him saying, "Give it a few more months.." forever.

I recently changed tactics and said...Love Bank in seriuos danger of running dry...I'll let you go if that's what you want. Done, end of story. I'm tired of shoveling elephant crap while he's feeding it every chance he gets...Ol' Dumbo is just his FRIEND!!

I've been doing much better about detaching from his crap, maintaining boundaries, talking about getting help, etc. It's putting definite pressure on him. I can plainly see the inner battle he's going thru...

He's gradually becoming more unstable. Very soon, he'll either implode, explode or run like hell from himself...and me.

I'm telling myself, he'll either grow up, blow up or bubbye....at this point it's a coin flip. Anyone got a 3-sided coin? Odds on favorite is another A or other form of running....

I have a plan of safety in place if necessary...I've arranged rides or whatever if I need to get out of his way for a few hours. The police station here in our small town is right across the street. Neighbors and friends are aware it's getting critical...blow up is a close second bet...violence in my past (FOO and ex-H) has left me with the knowledge of what to look for and PTSD....

Neither one of us can afford to move. Splitting up will take a bit of time to get things settled.
How can I Plan B when he won't leave?

I can't live in LimboLand anymore. If the only way to get him off the fence is to watch him walk, or for me to walk, so be it.

The stress is simply killing me. No sleep, not eating, chest pains, panic attacks, PTSD triggers, nightmares, the whole works. Definitely unattractive.

There have been a couple other very, very stressful things (medical crises) with family members going on for me and the combination of stresses has put me in a such a state...Not much left but switches from sad, to numb, to mindless zombie and back again....

I'm looking for suggestions on how to basically do more plan B type stuff, while we still live in the same place so I can get a grip on myself. That's gotta come first.

But at the same time, I don't want to do anything that makes the situation between him and I worse either....and he's talking more than he used to, asking some questions, answering some questions about feelings honestly...even if the answers are going to hurt me...all steps in the right direction, and progress I don't want to lose. Just barely enough to keep me engaged in any plan at all...

For at least a month now...I've been asking, he's showed signs of either fog or withdrawal returning. A w/ OW#1 ended last October...He and OW still work at the same shop, but she switched shifts.

He told me today, that he's been watching her, making some eye-contact, but that they haven't talked "much"...AND...

He's basically thinking that maybe he made the wrong choice in sticking with me. He doesn't love me anymore, he's not attracted to me anymore, he doesn't desire me anymore, he doesn't want to come home some mornings, etc.

He says that he's been thinking of her a lot, wondering if she'd be amenable to seeing him again, etc...but he's afraid she'll laugh at him and reject him...or, he's seeing how I'd take the news, to try and gauge if I'll be around or not if he does try and crashes with her. I think he wants to be...Ta-Da!! Cakeman!!

I'm sure that they have talked more than he's admitting, just the fact he's admitting tells me he's feeling that it's safe enough with her to risk losing me. Maybe I'll just call up ol' OW and see what's up...

I think the "chase is ON" and I'm the booby prize again....

I don't think he's truly ever let her go this whole damn time (10 months)...keeping her in mind as a back up...that's why he's not trying, not changing, not coping, and fighting me tooth and nail to make anything better at all...Pure Sabotage...Guerilla warfare....

I handled today much better, calm, no crying, thanking him for confirming my intuitions, blah, blah, blah...

I'm so tired of this crap, and the idea of quitting and giving up is looking better every day...I wish he'd just go...if she is what he wants, then she's welcome to him...If he stays the way he is, I don't want him.

I wanna "go dark" as far as I can while I make plans get out, and I gotta find ways to distance myself from this hurt. I think all of this stress is keeping me just where he wants me....trapped. This "dark time" will be his last chance...but my first priority is ME.

<small>[ August 03, 2003, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

I agree.

Something is seriously in need of change, and now.

You do not sound unreasonable.

You do not sound bitter, just worn and tired.

Make your change as quickly as you can in a safe and reasonable way.

Just one thing, if you do this, do this right the first time. No checking in with him to take his temperature every week or so.

Do you have the support you need to do this?

Praying for ya..... Pep

<small>[ August 03, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

PS .... why did you say "a modified Plan B" ?

Does this represent your mind-set. or did you just slip this word in there for no reason?

Pep

It sure sounds like you're losing your love for your spouse, and that a change is in order. Modified B? Does that mean you want to go dark, but stay in the home (and he won't leave)? If that's the case, you might want to look at Michelle Weiner Davis's 180.....it's a good strategy for folks who don't have the option of leaving the house or getting the spouse out. Let me know if you want to see the guidelines.

Thanks for the replies!

Pep-I say "modified" because he won't leave. Frankly, I have nowhere to go, and no $$ to go with...

I'm angry, but not bitter (yet) and do not want to be. Just mostly tired, hurt and scared.

D-Day #1 last October floored me, D-Day #2 in late March devastated me, and now this...and it's only July. Every time I've managed to reach the edge of the pit of despair....H has stepped on my head, and the cycle starts again...

If I were back home in MI, I wouldn't be so stuck...I've only been here in Hell-i-nois for about 2 1/2 years, and I'm basically an introvert, many acquaintenances, few friends and most of my family is back in MI...and any long time friends, too.

Emotional suppport is available, by phone calls home if necessary...it's the financial part...

If I break my promise to be honest and open about the finances, he'll have every reason to go....Money's too tight for me to hide any and frankly, paying for counseling will add to the burden.

And honestly, I haven't given 100% of what I'm capable of to help contribute more money. It's about the only bargaining chip I have, and I want to make the most of it.

The biggest reason is sheesh, 3 d-days in less than a year...no wonder I'm a wreck...I simply haven't been able to stabilize myself for a lomg enough time to make a bigger difference in our financial situation. As soon as I start to get a grip, he's sabotaged everything, and it looks like it's my fault, cuz at least he goes to work every day...according to him that is...

And yes, I've lost enough love for him, that him telling me about what I'm assuming is a beginning or contunuing EA w/ OW #1 yesterday isn't the end of the world....but it does still hurt.

I'm ready to move on if necessary, but not given up all hope, if that makes any sense....I see a modified Plan B as the only way of preparing to be single again, but leaving enough room for him to see that it's not what I want. Not to mention learning to control my reactions to him stepping on my head....otherwise I'll never be strong enough to do what I need to for ME. I can't let him continue to hurt me like this any more. Period.

He says that he misses the woman that I used to be....well, I sure do too.

Well, I got a wild hair Saturday night....called up OW#1....just to see what she had to say...

We ended up talking quite a bit...very interesting...If she's believable....

She said that she's not interested, blah, blah, blah...and asked what the main reason for my call was...

My answer...

If you two are hooking up again, that's fine. I'm done. I can't control either one of you. Just letting you know that he told me this today, so he can't play us both. At least you are walking into a R with him with your eyes wide open, you've seen what he's capable of, if you want to deal with it, then fine. Then you are a better woman than I Gunga Ho (I didn't really say that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) ....If you think that he'll be different with you, that's ok, too. At least you won't go thru the pain of realizing that he's not the kind of man you think he is, or like me, realizing that he's not the kind of man that you are being led to believe that he is....wished her well, and hung up.

I think it's sooo ironic....amidst all of the deception, deceit and lies, he's showing her a side of him that I never saw or was allowed to consider before we married....so, in a very weird way, he's actually been more honest with her than he has me! In his actions, rather than his words...

Does any one else find this hilarious or am I going off the deep end?

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

Helen,
There is no such thing as a modified Plan B.

Plan B is about protecting you from further pain and by leaving behind the best impression possible based on Plan A.

Now if you simply withdraw from him but still have contact, you may be protecting yourself from pain, but you do so at the expense of your account in his love bank. And at the expense of saving your marriage. It's not really Plan B.... it's simply a Taker strategy of trying to protect you. It's called withdrawal and it's the step down the ladder from conflict.

There is no mixture of Plan A and Plan B. There's all kinds of ways to do Plan A and still include all the elements necessary to call it Plan A. but the primary ingredient of Plan B is no contact. Without that, it's not Plan B.

C