Well I've gotten through my first day and several hours of plan B. I found out about ow on July 4th. H and I had been having a hard time since he walked out on us winter 2002, he returned that summer physically but we did not recover. He had shown no interest in getting any real help - he didn't leave because of affair he just left because he was unhappy he treated me badly. We've had a very rough time and he had come back a different person someone that wanted to mistreat me. I should have and could have done things differently but I felt for a while that we where unhealthy for each other. I wanted us to get healthy and I wanted him to help me...he refused. went on living his separate life - In April I asked him to leave and I told him that I wanted to work things out wanted him to seek IC. Well I guess he had better things to do. I found her at his house and he said she was just a friend...I actually believed him for a few days..she had come over for a cook out got to drunk to drive and stayed over...right. I believed it. But she was frightened that I would hurt her so she called the police and I got a copy of her call that read:

"I'm at my boyfriends house, I want to leave but his x is outside." whoa... h seemed totally suprised that she addressed him that way he spent weeks lying about it. H and I had actually been having little dates b4 I found out, because I was missing him. and although he didn't seek IC I did not want us forgeting about each other. after I found out we still saw each other. than I found for real - she should my h pic. to someone that happened to be my friend saying "you wanna see my new man" whoa... I contacted her and she told me they had been dating for 5 mths h had moved about 3 mths ago and that they where a couple he told her he got divorce from me....MIL and H where very angry that I contacted ow. I was able to plan A h a little up until about 2 weeks ago. I got in 4 whole days, pissed her off, because she didn't know where he was. called Mil and left msg if he didn't call she would throw his things outside. I got in atleast 2 very good nights. scared and confused the hell out of him....but he insisted on seeing ow even after she picked a fight with me. and told me if I didn't like her not to bring my kids around. He let me listen to a fake no contact conversation between the two of them. He had the hardest time saying I want NC. I think he was trying to say it for me, but trying not to take the chance that she would take him seriously. She didn't and they have been back together since. Recently it seemed that he hadn't been spending as much time with her, since he went out of town last week and she popped up over MIL's just to say hi (no doubt looking for my h) So I know she contributes to keeping him away from us but I know theres a lot more. so here I am in plan B, wondering if my h will ever come back to me. I don't know what to think.

Well, well. Less than two days in PB and WW has already tried to contact me. Cell phone rang this morning and WW's work number shows up; I didn't answer. So she leaves a voice message; I erased it without listening. When I started this I told myself NC means NC. Am I wondering what WW might have said had I answered, or what the message was if I had listened? You bet. But it isn't bothering me as much as I thought it might. Knowing that WW is going to be with OM this weekend for the first time in four months doesn't hurt me as much as it pisses me off. I hope I didn't wait to long to PB.

23,

I have a good friend in Plan B right now and her H calls or emails at least 4 times a day with ridiculous excuses to call and just more blather. He isn't ready to separate from the OW yet....and she won't answer him. It is driving him insane....she's at about the five week mark....and I think he's ready to crack. Hang in there....and remember, that she is going just as nuts probably without news from you. Now the OM has to fulfill ALL her needs...let's just see how much he sucks at it shall we? Don't give up....if she's already calling...chances are...it's not too late. And try to remember, that the more time they spend together....the faster failure ensues. Cerri always says she is filled with glee when they move in together for that very reason. Keep hope!

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thanks, Star*fish. Today will start the first weekend of my PB and I now know it's going to be hard. WW left another voice mail this morning which I deleted. Ds left this morning and will be gone until Monday so I will be alone all weekend. Also this morning OMW called upset to tell me she just heard from a friend that OM had left to fly to our town and will be here for three nights. WW and OM haven't seen each other in over four months, yet friend told OMW that OM has said he will do anything to see that WW ends our M and moves to be with him as soon as he can divorce his W. I still love WW and I will do a good PB but I need hope that my WW will return home. At least the NC will allow me to better prepare for the end when it comes.
So, how does everyone keep busy on lonely PB weekends?

23down -

How to handle a lonely PB weekend? Well, try not to be alone, and if you are, do things that make you happy. PB is not about the WS, it's about YOU! You cannot control your WW, you can only control yourself. So try to put her out of your mind. Don't worry about what she is or isn't doing. Take this time to do some things you have wanted to do for awhile but haven't had the time to do.

I know, I know - easier said than done, but the goal of PB is to detach from the WS. Get off the rollercoaster of the A. Get your feet back on some comfortable ground. Take a deep breath. Exercise is good. The boards are slower on weekends, but keep posting, fellow Plan B'er!

Lablady

23down,

Weekends, particularly in the beginning are TOUGH, TOUGH, TOUGH!

Here is a way to approach them. Ask yourself: what things have I never permitted myself to do because I spent my weekends going "X" with my W, my family, whatever. Did I never indulge in the luxury of sitting and watching "X" on TV for hours? Did I never allow myself the luxury of just taking a Saturday afternoon nap, not worrying about meals on time, but only if and when the hunger drove me to it?

What if I wanted to get something for lunch or dinner that my spouse hated? DO IT!

Look on these hours as possibly the only time in your entire future that this time is just for you. Because, you want your future to be with your spouse. And you will never, never have this alone time, this luxury again!

Have a massage. Do something you would normally feel guilty for, because you were depriving your family of your time.

Go for it. Luxuriate in it. Enjoy and forget (ok, that's not possible, but at least enjoy!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was getting ready to do a "I hate weekends" post when I read the question "what do PB'ers do on weekends?:
I do hate weekends. Tonight for example, I came home from an afternoon at the mall with youngest two, I hate the mall but went to please S. Came home, made supper, laundry, tore off the back steps that were falling apart and began the process of rebuilding. Of course I have no clue, it was hot and dusty. The anger starts to set in, wondering what WH & OW are up to for fun, this is her no kids weekend, so I'm sure it's party time!!
I've played scrabble with S, Go Fish with D, and I'm tired OK. D won't settle down for bed, now she's doing the I"m hungry bit. S opens fridge and all the stuff on the broken fridge door shelf(held with a bungee cord) falls on the floor.
I'm pissy, S thinks I'm mad at him. I'm just MAD!! Broken steps, broken fridge, broken dryer, broken hearts....Just not a very good start to another lonely weekend.
Ok, so D just climbs on my lap for a snuggle and says she's ready for nightnights. Deep breaths....
I'm back.
Now 12 yr. old S giving me the "look". That means I'm not giving him any attention. He bought a Simpson's Card Game, he's holding it, it's the last thing I want to do! But if I don't I'll feel guilty given the emotional state he's been in lately. Can you say MANIPULATION! I'm beginning to wonder!
It's after 10pm. I need a break!
16 yr.old has his first ever H.S.football game tomorrow. Of course WH won't be there I'm sure. I finally told S to call him tonight(he left a message) and let him know, I really shouldn't care, if WH doesn't care to ask.
I'm beginning to wonder why I even miss him. I don't think he'll ever come home. He's been gone so long now, he has a whole circle of new friends down there(none here, just me & his children!), no responsibilities, who wouldn't be happier?
I'm beginning to think I imagined that he loved me, us. It's just all too bizarre. Still after 8 mos. since D-day, I can't believe it.
2 mos. in Plan B already, I'm not sure I've moved any further along. Last night I looked at pictures, I shouldn't have, today I bought Carol King's Tapestry CD, I shouldn't have, I'm a mess! I can go for days and feel ok, not great, but ok, and then WHAM, I can't get WH out of my mind, and then if I let OW sneak in there, I lose it totally!
OK, so I haven't been very uplifting for all you other PB'ers, sorry. I'm angry and frustrated, tired and broke and just feeling really sorry for myself.
So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to accept that invitation to go to a party tomorrow night at a friend of a friends. Big bash, 2 Blues Bands, Steaks, Corn on the Cob, all I have to do is bring my drink of choice, a better attitude and who knows, I may actually have FUN!!

But I still hate weekends, for so long we looked forward to them, it's when WH would be home from working on the road...I still miss him terribly.

{{{{{{{{{{Shugah}}}}}}}}}}}

I do understand. Weekends are tough, but we need to be tough too. The saddest part of your story is that you are left with the children, the responsibilities, the household, and your WH has just left...period.

But good for you for planning to go to the party tonight. Take your new Shugah attitude and have fun. I have started doing the same thing. Not always easy to be the 5th wheel, in my case frequently the only female who is at the function alone. But it's not about how others view it, it is about us. It is about getting our minds off our misery and getting some fun back in our lives. Even a little shot of fun now and then can keep you going.

I hope you have a WONDERFUL time at the party! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Shugah, how was the party? Tell us all about it, even if you felt uncomfortable. That's why we are here. Hopefully it served to remind you that there is a world out there, that there is fun to be had, that we can get our heads out of the misery that this nightmare has put us in.

I went out for dinner with friends Friday night. Went directly from work, didn't come home first. Now interestingly enough, when I got home, the caller ID showed my WH had called at 7:51pm. He left no message. Don't know what that's all about. Did he think I would pick up the phone if I saw it was him? Was he checking to see if I was home? Hmmmm.

Anyway, Shugah, hope you had a great time, that the steaks were great and the company lively and enjoyable.

ISG

The steaks were delicious!! Melt in your mouth..., the music was great, but of course I had to come home, pick up D, just when the 2nd (& best)band was starting and I had consumed just enough alchohol to be dangerous. LOL. But it was a good time, good to get out and have a few laughs.
BUt I thought , for once I 'd like to have no responsibilites, come home when I want, with whoever I want, in whatever condition I want.
But no, I do have responsibilities, and even though WH was able to walk away from his, I can't walk away from mine.
WH called me just before I left to go to the party. Wanted to know how S's first football game went that day. Geez, he should have been there and he'd know!
Now get this, tell me your thoughts. I talked today to the friend who took S to the Ball Park where WH showed up with OW to give S some $$. Remember? I was telling how I upset I was about that and that I didn't think it was good for S to see OW with his Dad. My friend said, the thing that he didn't like, was that the whole incident seemed very forced on WH's part. WH was overly enthusiastic to see S, picked him up in a bear hug, off the ground, loudly saying, hey, here's my boy, hey dude, that kind of thing. THis is just not normal character for WH, he is usually pretty laid back, not one for public display of Affection, usually pretty quiet. So was this for OW's benefit, I"m sure. I can only attribute it to Fog behavior. And how long can he "act" like something he isn't. WHen does he get sick of play acting. The whole thought of it makes me sick.
WH's cousin called me tonight. First time I've talked to her. She was a BS 2 yrs ago and now Divorced. She saw WH a month ago and gave him a pretty hard time. Told him that she's been in the same place he's putting his Wife and it's not a pretty place. She wants me to go visit her when she's visiting her mom next week. I may go, especially if WH has the kids.
Anyways, S is in need of some loving attention so i need to go.
Later.

Just a bump and a quick update. Got through first weekend of PB OK. Went out with friends Saturday night, worked around house all day Sunday. Keeping busy seems to be part of the answer, but thought about OM spending weekend with WW way too much. Ds got back from visit safe and sound. Younger D starts senior year of high school tomorrow. NC attempted from WW with either me or Ds. Don't know whether WW took OM to company party or not. How has it been going for other Plan Bers?

23Down,

Yeah, weekends are the worst. Keeping busy thru the workweek really helps and the fact that this Board is so slow on the weekend doesn't help. A few of us post on the weekends, but sometimes it gets downright depressing.

Glad you made it through the first week. Each one really does get a little easier. Can't say that you really stop having the visions of them together, but know what? Sometimes our imaginations are worst than the reality of the situation.

Some wise person (Cerri I think) said to ba glad the more time they are together. It allows them to act like their real selves rather than role play as everyone does during the early stages of a relationship (God, hate to use that word in connection with the A, but there it is). I like to remember that they are just learning how to get along with each other. We, on the other hand, have gotten along well, in many cases, stupendously, for [fill in number] of years of marriage, and our marriages have stood the test of time.

Yes, we are the BS in the affair, but we are still there, showing the strength of our love. This is no different that when I stood by my H when he was ill with cancer. I didn't leave then and I am not leaving now. The only thing that's required this time is that he realize he has an illness and that he takes the necessary steps to get healthy and prevent a relapse. You wouldn't sit idly by and watch a heart attach survivor smoke cigarette, eat unhealthy food. Same with our WS's. We have to take the precautions to keep them healthy and they have to be accountable.

Wow...rambling.

Shugah,

I am so glad you went to the party and so glad you had a good time. Life is still out there. We need to remember that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I talked today to the friend who took S to the Ball Park where WH showed up with OW to give S some $$. Remember? I was telling how I upset I was about that and that I didn't think it was good for S to see OW with his Dad. My friend said, the thing that he didn't like, was that the whole incident seemed very forced on WH's part. WH was overly enthusiastic to see S, picked him up in a bear hug, off the ground, loudly saying, hey, here's my boy, hey dude, that kind of thing. THis is just not normal character for WH, he is usually pretty laid back, not one for public display of Affection, usually pretty quiet. So was this for OW's benefit, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feeling here is that your H was VERY uncomfortable... VERY. It's like he was on stage. He knew your friend would see him; he knew others who had seen the two of you together at the games would see him. The OW was there, and everyone was looking at her, many people were judging him. He was on stage and very insecure about it. Thus, he acted out of character. He was nervous, nervous, nervous! You should be glad. He was, I am sure, suffering, big time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH's cousin called me tonight. First time I've talked to her. She was a BS 2 yrs ago and now Divorced. She saw WH a month ago and gave him a pretty hard time. Told him that she's been in the same place he's putting his Wife and it's not a pretty place. She wants me to go visit her when she's visiting her mom next week. I may go, especially if WH has the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go, and get support. Shugah, just remember, a Dv might have been the right answer for her in her situation, but not necessarily for you. Don't let her influence you. Each one of us must make our own decisions; we have to live with the choices we make. So far you are on the path to save your marriage. And what you do, well, no one here will judge you for that, we will all support you. It is just so easy for others to try to influence us. Keep that in mind. And keep posting here. We care about you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would be through one week of plan B if I hadn't of fell off the wagon that once. I guess the biggest problem for me right now is waiting for him to call, wondering if I missed his call, and trying to imagine how he feels. Last night I had an overwhelming feeling that he was with ow, however on the night before I had this overwhelming feeling that he was sad, alone, and hurting. The feeling that he was hurting, had more of an affect on me than the feeling of him being with ow.

Anyway, I have developed an apprciation for plan B. I look at it as a jump start to healing and recovery of my own heart just in case we can not recover together. Talk about time for myself. It's like I've stored little clips of my life with h and they're on some type of automatic play back. I don't just remember the good, I don't just remember how I let him down. I remember how he let me down even before the A. There is no way I'll be able to blame the fail of my m on me and me alone. I feel a little better, not having any of his false words or movements to hold on to. I feel so much better knowing that however weak; I am coming across as strong, a woman that is not going to sit at my h's feet and cry while he flip flops between me and the OW. There is pain, there is longing there is this ache, I have tons of excuses as to why I should go ahead and give him a call. But it's not about him anymore, it's not about us, at this point it's not even about the m. it's about me. At 6:30 I would have completed day 4 of plan B...now only if I can stop counting Part of my problem is that I can't really get out of the house. Everything I decide to do really haves to revolve around my children. But I'm making it

MYB,
sounds like you are doing a good job settling in to Plan B. It's not easy is it? I'm 2 mos. into it and I still think about WH and wonder what he's thinking, feeling, wondering if he is any closer to ending the A or if he is more committed to it. Some days are harder than others. I too am still tempted to call WH just to get a pulse check, to ask him, are you having any doubts, do you miss your children, do you think about the pain you are causing? But I know that when I asked him those things months ago, he wasn't ready to admit any of those things were enough to give up the A. So what would calling him now accomplish? Nothing.
I have to just have faith in the MB principles and pray that it will work. And that means whether or not my H comes back, I will have accepted and moved on in a healthier way. Right?
Right!
I give myself pep talks all the time and vent here alot! It helps.
Hang in there!

Shugah, thanks for your reply.

I'm feeling very down tonight. I don't know why just something comes over me. Actually, I do know...The littlest things trigger me. Tonight I watched meet the parents and at the end he brought her flowers in bed...that made me think about h and how happy I would be when he brought flowers, than I went off thinking if he remembers, how happy I was when I got flowers or if he remembers I sometimes didn't stop right away and put them in a vase. I almost can't cry. I know that h called DayCare and talked to kids today. I guess thats good. I just miss him so much. But I know like you said, calling will do nothing. Except hurt and set me back. I know he thinks I can't do this. He said he read my plan B letter, he said he still had it, I wonder if he reads it occasionally and I wonder if it sinks in. Yes, I think of it as and addiction, and there's no way I can go back on that drug without a full commitment to the recovery of our m. nothing less will do. And I'm scared

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: MYB ]</small>

Sorry MYB,
Although I was trying to be supportive, and give myself a pep talk, I've fallen off the wagon lf, big time. Read my last post. I'm giving up. But that doesn't mean that you should. Your WH obviously sounds like he is more on the fence than off, and that's not so bad! Mine is just too far gone I"m afraid. And I think it's just time.
We've been living apart for far longer than the A, due to WH's working out of state and I think that that alone puts our situation in a whole other dimension. He's been used to being away from us and living a different lifestyle for too long now. I'm kidding myself thinking that he would actually miss the country life, sitting by the woodstove on a cold winter night, playing toss with his kids,things he used to love...now it's bars and pool tables, finding a place to park your car on a snowy winter night....
So I'm going to psych myself up for a drastic lifestyle change myself, this lifestyle was something we chose together, and I don't think it will ever be the same for me.
And the kids, well, maybe if they see Mom excited about something new, instead of sad over the loss of the old, they'll catch on to it...
Don't you give up though, MB does work. It's just time for me. I certainly don't want to discourage you or anyone at a time when you need encouragement. Hang in there, please, I love to read the successes! I'm pulling for Mimi!
She's got what it takes, I'll tell you that!
Got to go. Should probably get some sleep, have lots to start looking ahead to!

Shugah,

What do you mean, giving up? On your marriage? Are you planning on moving forward with a Dv?

MYB...hang in there. This all takes time, or so they tell me. Each day seems like a week, I know, and when separated a few weeks, it seems like months.

When my WH came home for the (unfortunately false) recovery, he did tell me that he felt his life change the day I sent the Plan B letter. It really got to him. Forced him to think about what he really wanted. I believe he just never got over the addiction. That's why we failed and why he is back with OW now.

I am, however, hanging on to the future and will continue to believe in MB.

Hang tough you guys.

Shugah, I'll go to your thread and see if there are more clues there. Hugs!

ISG

Looking for some more input before the weekend, please.
Monday (Sept 1) will be our 24 year wedding anniversary. Every year before it's been roses, dinner, etc. Should I recognize the occassion at all? Maybe a single rose sent to her mother's where she is staying. A note or a card? My PB has been solid with NC, but I maybe think I should at least let WW know that I wouldn't forget this day. Any suggestions?

23down,

My H and I spent our 19th apart...in Plan B #1. While I know, we had a false recovery, spending it apart made an impact on him. NC from me, NC from him. Ours was Memorial Day weekend (another 3-day, Holiday weekend, so I commiserate!).

I strongly urge you to do nothing. She knows you love her. That is what your Plan B letter was all about. She knows the conditions for contact to resume. Don't lower your boundaries, not even for your wedding anniversary. Remember what Mortarman and others have said: it is about respect. How can she respect you when you tell her the rules and then don't follow them yourself?

During our 6-week failed recovery, we did not get close enough to celebrate our anniversary. However, I believe that for us, and for you, there will be plenty of time for celebration AFTER the A has ended. Don't feed her emotional needs by sending flowers, cards, or otherwise acknowledging the anniversary. Of course she knows what the day is. Just as you do. Let her think about it away from you, out of contact.

Be strong, don't break down. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I truly believe it is the best thing to do.

ISG

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>