WOMANOFFAITH5,

I hear you. I had a great cry myself last night. I don't know what triggered it, but there I was sobbing in my bedroom, doors closed so my girls didn't see it...

It's been awhile since I had one of those wonderful emotional moments! I get angry when it happens and wonder the same things as you, do I deserve this? No, none of us deserves this. I don't understand how our WS's can go about their lives like nothing is wrong. The "fog" I guess. I can't explain it any other way and I hope it is that, because I'd really be pissed if I knew my WW did all this with a clear conscience.

WW calls the girls every day but spends very little time with them. You are doing good if your husband is spending 4 hours a week with them. My girls are lucky to see their mom during the week. Its not their fault, their mom just "doesn't seem to find the time" in her busy schedule with OM...

I was upset with her before about this. I don't let it bother me anymore. Yes, my girls suffer from it, but I'd rather they not be around their mom at this time. They won't spend any time with her while OM is around anyway. Good for them!!!

I do get upset that WW doesn't financially support them. I barely make enough to pay the bills and put dinner on the table. I hate telling my girls I can't afford to give them money to go do things with their friends. Some weeks are ok, but it seems lately unexpected bills keep popping up, ie. registration for oldest D's truck, not to mention insurance on a 16 yr old!!! Yes, she gives them some money here and there, but not really living up to her responsibilities as a parent!

I just hope that in the end, all of this will have been worth it. I know I love my W and want to spend the rest of my life with her. But, I also know that I can be happy without her. I hope someday we'll have a better marriage than before all this happened. That's the thing that keeps me going, keeps me saying its all worth it, no matter what happens, It'll be ok...

Hello

I'm also in plan B. I had a full week w/out contact. This hurt.

Yesterday out of the blue I started crying again. Well I must grieve the lost of my H as I used to know him. It's not easy, but I can not allow myself in plan A or contact anylonger unless he ends the A. Is not going to work. And even if he end this and doesn't seek help on his issues, this is going to happen all over again.

SO yes this is hard, it hurts, but no better choices for me to do. At least by the time being.

Keep this thread up guys, I need your support on this...

There seems to be one common thread running through all of the posts here, and it concerns our current feelings toward our WS:

Who the hell is this person, and what have they done with my W/H?

My WW lived for her daughters. There was never a doubt that I took second place to our Ds and I understood that, even respected it. Once WW became involved in A it seemed her Ds became almost as irrellevent as me. She calls each one of them once or twice a week. She nearly forgot older D's birthday, then called at 11pm from a hotel room (with OM). She's left it entirely up to me to get my younger D through her senior high-school year.
Do I want my WW to return home and work on our M, to help me put our family together again? Absolutely, that is why I am here. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman that I am currently PlanB-ing? Absolutely not!
Anyone else feeling the same?

I think all our WS's have been abducted by aliens and have been brain washed... I hope is reversible!!!!

23down

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I want my WW to return home and work on our M, to help me put our family together again? Absolutely, that is why I am here. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman that I am currently PlanB-ing? Absolutely not!
Anyone else feeling the same? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you pretty much resumed it all. But well I'm not only here for my H to come here and work on my M, I came to know that ok it can be him or anyone else.
Right now it's him (well not much since I'm on plan B and he doesn't want to know anything about me), but in the future if we didn't turn out good, I hope God grant me a man worthy of me and that I become worthy of him, and that is why I'm here also. To learn!

And NO, I don't want to be with my H the way he is now. So hummm I'm having a lightbulb moment here. That I was told, many many times but just now I like kind of think for and by myself. This is not his choice anymore. I mean if he tell me to come back now I would say NO WAY.
Go to IC work on your issues and later we will see!

I never believed I could say this...

I sat in the courtroom on friday(see my thread),thinking, WHO is this person?
I thought, people must think this is the person I was in love with and I wanted to shout "NO, I am not an idiot, REALLY, I would not have spent the last 20 yrs. with THIS MAN!!
He is beyond reason. To show up at our hearing with our 18 yr. old S????
I think I have really turned a corner. I am no longer thinking about him 24/7 and although I still grieve the loss of my former H, and feel the pain for my children, I must move on.
I want to feel loved and wanted and cared for again. I want to feel someone's arms around me again, I want passion, I want companionship. I want that thrill of expectation, knowing I will be seeing someone I care about at the end of the day.
My marriage is over, I feel it now, I didn't before the hearing.

Does anyone else here find PB to be, well, boring?

Not anymore!
Shugah, is moving on!
I'm putting some "excitement" into my life, and I don't care how many 2x4's I get for it!
I don't want to discourage you guys, but for me I need to face that my M is over.
It'll be awhile for the D but I can't wait till then to start living.
It feels great to know that I'm still desireable. This whole ordeal has taken a big toll on my self-esteem. I never felt I would ever be attracted to or attractive to someone else.
If WH doesn't want me, then fine! I'm tired of feeling like thrown out trash!
Sure, just like WH's A, this feeling may not last, but then again, maybe it will!

Hello to all in Plan B.

I&#8217;ve just recently started plan b on Sunday. Gave him my plan b letter on Sunday, heard from him on Tuesday, just to ask if he could pick up our S. Other than that, NO CONTACT.

After doing a really good plan a, I started noticing him calling me more and then there were relationship talks that he initiated. He said that he wanted to work things out. OF COURSE, he just said it but, did nothing about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don&#8217;t know, I believe that he does want to work things out but, he&#8217;s ADDICTED.

I&#8217;ve posted in the Plan A/B forum about this. I&#8217;m kind of relieved and scared at the same time being in plan b. I&#8217;m relieved that I don&#8217;t have to talk to him anymore. I don&#8217;t have to wonder what he&#8217;s thinking, where he&#8217;s at, who he&#8217;s with, where he&#8217;s going, etc. And then I&#8217;m scared that NO CONTACT will push him away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He had recently moved out of the OW house. He was living with her and HER PARENTS!! Can you believe that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Well now he&#8217;s back at her house. And I don&#8217;t know if that&#8217;s a bad thing or a good thing.

They say that the more time they spend with the OP, the better. HUH? I don&#8217;t know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I&#8217;m actually doing really good. I was tired of the obsessing. But I do wonder what he&#8217;s thinking. I try not to but I do.

Other than that, I know having NO CONTACT with him is what I need. He was a major cake eater and fence sitter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I found out the other day that my WP is still on her roller coaster. My first thought was sympathy for her and how hard that must be. My second thought was complete relief that I'm not on the ride with her. It was so incredibly painful to me to be first loved, then hated, then loved again that I can't imagine continuing to go through that cycle. Wanted, reviled, needed, useless, worthy, unworthy. And on and on and on.

It's not about me. It's not about whether I'm a good spouse or not. It's about where WP is in her hear and mind and soul. And I can't be there to pick up these pieces for her; the pieces are my own heart and soul, as well as hers. I hope some day that I'll be able to give the empathy with enough strength that I don't have to have these protective boundaries between us.

But right now, it seems to me that they absolutely must be there or I would surely go mad. I've been too close to it already, too hurt, too angry, too devasted. My wounds haven't even scabbed over, and there is no way I can get closer than I am without breaking them open.

Am I in Plan B? I dunno. We have contact about the baby and little else. No one ever answered about how to do Plan B with a baby, and so far as I can tell, it may not be possible.

But it doesn't matter where I am right now, except that I'm safe and have begun to develop a wholeness. I am separate -enough- from WP to do that. Separate enough to see when I'm getting too close, separate enough to be able to see the actions she's taken and realize that they don't match even remotely with the person I've known for so long.

They match the actions of someone who is in deep trouble. I want and hope that she recovers, no matter how our relationship ends up. But right now, that process is in other people's hands. I have my own hands full with my own recovery and rebuilding. Lots of work to do here -- there's been a hurricane come through, both literally and figuratively.

STBXWife, welcome to Plan B Support Group.
The first week or two in PlanB is tough, but you already seem to have the right attitude. The fact that your H has suggested he would like to "work things out" is very good news. Now he needs to see exactly what it is going to be like if he doesn't.
Stay strong.

Just J
I can understand how a full NC PlanB might be impossible with a small child. No expert here, and I hope we can get some feedback from others, but a type of PlanB letter still might be a good move. It would let WP know that you still love her, why you feel you must avoid normal contact, and what it would take from each of you to restore your R.
Why a letter? While in the fog your OP will tend to hear and remember only what she wants. Getting your thoughts, feelings, and conditions in writing to her could help. Let's see what others think.

I am new to this forum, but have appreciated reading about others who still love their WS and have hope for reconciliation despite situations that many would consider hopeless. My H's A has been going on for a long time now and I feel like I should be preparing for or getting a D, but am not ready to give up on our M yet, especially with an infant and a toddler at home. I think it is time for me to implement Plan B, but have some questions about the logistics.

First, my story: my H started his A about a year and a half ago, around the time I got pregnant with our second child. At first he tried to hide it, when confronted always denied it, but then spent more and more time away from me, usually weekend nights. The worst was when he spent the night my daughter was born at the OW's place. Still, I was desperate to hold on to him and continued to beg for his attention and presence in our home. Things only got worse until finally in July I told his family (mother, siblings). They confronted him and begged him to stop the A, but the only result is that he stopped hiding it, started seeing her almost every night, coming home most nights at 3-4 am or not at all 3-4 nights per week.

I finally took the kids and visited my parents for a week to give him some space to think, but when things didn't change by the time I got back, I asked him to move out (at the end of August). But less than a week later I was on my knees begging him to come back to work on our M. He did move back in and tried to be engaged at least with our children, if not me, for one week but apparently couldn't take it and moved in with OW 10 days ago. I am in IC and my counselor's advice after hearing this story is RUN! Run as fast as you can and don't look back!" Yet I still remember all of his wonderful qualities that I fell in love with 12 years ago (we've been married for almost 9 years) and still long for our marriage and for him to be a real father to our children. I can't let go of the dream I had for our life together, even in the face of his A.

I have tried to do a good Plan A, in the sense that I ask him to cut off contact without being confrontational or angry, but I have been thwarted by the fact that he will never admit that he is having an A, even when I put irrefutable evidence before his face. He makes up some lie so implausible, he may as well tell me aliens from outer space disguised themselves as him and set him up - that is about as believable as his other stories. More often he just gives me the silent treatment and says he "cant' talk" right now.

So Plan B seems the logical next step, especially seeing as he moved in with the OW last week and is now living with her. I am ready to write the PBL. My questions are about the logistics of NC when you have children - especially in my case, very young children (7 mos and 2 1/2). I don't want to keep him from them - they benefit from being around him, but I suffer whenever he comes over (which he does randomly, without prior notice). To complicate matters, his mother lives with me in our house and my H comes over every day while I'm at work to visit her and to take her to doctors appointments (she is very sick). So is it possible to implement a real Plan B in my situation? If so, how? I know everyone says that NC is NC, but how to arrange for visitation? Especially (with kids as young as mine) since many of the visits will have to take place in my house (because of naps, etc).
Also, how long is it reasonable to expect Plan B to last before you start thinking about filing for D?

Thanks for any suggestions/advice.

Pearl,
Your story is heartbreaking!

I would really suggest you jump over to the JFO forum and seek out Cerri. She's a pro.

I can hardly believe that he's depending on you to care for his children and his mother and has the gall to carry on the way he is.

In Plan B its time for OW to step up to the plate and meet ALL of his needs.

I know it seems extreme, but I would almost suggest in your case that you take the children and go.

Let him and OW fend for the care of his mother.

Also, its not your responsibility to make him visit his children. Its his. Work out a schedule and make him stick to it.

I'd like to know more about OW in your case. I'm going to do some more reading!

Please talk to Cerri!

OK....more questions.

I read some of your earlier posts, and I understand that MIL is terminally ill. Who is her caregiver?

Do you work outside the home?

What is the story on OW? When you're ready for Plan B you should definetly send her a copy. From you H's past behavior, I doubt she's been told the truth!

If I were you I'd drop that letter and go completely dark -- I'm sure there will be fireworks!

By the way, have you read the articles or books from this site? Do you have a good understanding of the Plans and how they are used?

Do you think you've done a successful plan A? Did you make changes so that you are meeting all of H's needs?

Please stay. You seem to stop in here every few months. If you really want to use the support here, keep posting!

To answer your questions, yes my MIL is terminally ill. She is uninsured so relying on charitable care for any treatment she receives. She is not incapacitated yet, so I guess I am her caregiver - at least I am the one here with her who cooks for her etc. but as I said my H does stop by every day. She is starting daily radiation treatments next week and he will be the one bringing her to those.

As for the OW, my husband met her at the gym. She is new to this country (on a student visa) - had only been here 5 mos when the A started (so she I'm guessing she doesn't have a support network here). I contacted her by email in November when I was sure about the A and she replied that she and my H were engaged(!) All I wanted to do was let her know he was married in the hopes she would cut it off, but clearly she didn't care. I had no other contact with her until 2 mos. ago she called me at my office (I do work outside the home) but I refused to talk to her. Anyway, she definitely knows he's married, maybe she doesn't know about the kids but he keeps their pictures in his wallet so I would guess she does.

The difficulty of my leaving is, of course, financial. I make more than my H and have always paid our mortgage - I can't afford to pay for it and another place at the same time, but dont' want to default on the house. I know I could ask him to take my MIL with him, but she is suffering from this situation as much as I am and I feel too sorry for her to use her as a pawn.

I've tried to read as much as I can on this site about Plan A and Plan B, but haven't read the books yet. Do they have more info on the plans? I did try to change to better meet his EN when trying to negotiate with him but he was literally never in the house except to play with the kids or to sleep, for months, so it was next to impossible - I doubt he even noticed what changes I was trying to make.

I believe that you need to let OW know exactly what the situation is. That he is married to you and that you have babies, and you are not divorcing your husband and that you love him.

Let her LB to the skies!

I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL.

Perhaps you should simply talk to BH and outline some possible plans now that he's out of the house playing with lil miss OW.

Perhaps you should say you're planning on moving on with your life and ask him what he plans on doing about his mother? Ask him if he plans on having her move in with him. Or perhaps you could generously offer him the house along with the stipulation that he pay the mortgage. In fact, perhaps you should suggest that be in your separation papers. (What I'm thinking is to scare him into thinking out some of these outcomes) If he plans on divorcing you to marry that lil gal he's "engaged" to, then there is no reason to expect you to take care of his mother. (I'm sure you want to -- but he doesn't need to know that. Just that you're willing to as his wife, but unwilling to as his ex-wife)

But it would be absolutely critical that you do this calmly. It can't be tearful or emotional.

Holy cow, Pearl. You're in quite a fix. I have a bunch of questions, but my first thought is that whatever you do (continuing Plan A or moving to Plan B), it's important that you take very careful steps.

I know just how hard Plan B can be with an infant. I faced a choice of continuing Plan B or continuing to be a parent, and chose to continue to be a parent. A dreadful choice to have to make, but it's one that I would make again in a heartbeat. I may have lost my marriage in that choice, but I still wouldn't make it any other way.

In any case, you're not going to stop being a parent. You have the advantage of being the biological mother of young children, and our entire society is built on protecting folks like you. And folks like your MIL, for that matter.

That said, the two of you can't act like victims in all this. You ARE the victims, but that mentality would get in the way of what you have to do. And I think what you have to do is plan plan plan plan.

I think yours is a great case for Cerri (and I was just posting about how she's overworked!), and I would recommend that you CALL and e-mail her rather than posting over at JFO. Cerri's insanely busy.

Nevertheless, go look at her Web site at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com and look her up.

And if you're anywhere in the DC area, let me know. I know a truly wonderful lawyer who can help you.

Oh, and 23down, you're so right that some kind of strategy is necessary! Cerri and my lawyer will have a conference call on Monday, and I sincerely hope that we can begin to work as a team toward ALL of my goals, instead of focusing solely on protecting my DD. That had to come first, but I think we're finally in a place where the strategy can focus on a broader set of things.

Been almost a month in Plan B. Kinda depressed last couple of days. Daughters decided to spend some time with WW even though OM was there. They said they'd not go to their mothers' house if OM was there. I guess time heals some pain. I hope they don't feel that their mom is not doing anything wrong. Just kind of depressing...

Other than that doing ok. Still struggling with everday life, but things are better. Still have my triggers and my "bad" days but not as often. Still have hope for the future...