Today I am down. Only the stress I am feeling is financial not relationship. I am so worried they are coming to repossess my car. Everytime I see a power company truck I worry they are coming t6o shut off my power., phone, ect. I am looking for a job but none has proved fruitful yet. 3rd party asked H if he was going to provide $$ for these bills and he did not answer. I have an appt with atty. but don't know if there is anything I can do to force him to pay the bills. It really chaps my a$$ that financially we were ok but now that he has left and left me with all the bills I am going to lose everything. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me. Oh well enough to wallowing I am going to go out and do something.

I blew my plan B again, but I think it was good. I feel ok about it right now. I knew I was going to see my WW tonight at my D's volleyball game, so I wrote her a note. I was going to put it on her car windshield when I went to the game. Well, she came over to the house to pick up our D and usually she doesn't come in, but I loaned my car to my oldest D, and WW didn't know I was home. Anyway, she grabbed her mail and the letter I wrote. All the letter said was, I love you. Always, Me.

When I got to the game, WW was waiting by the door and asked if she could sit with me. I said ok. We talked a little and she said she wanted to go to at least one marriage counseling session to figure out how she feels. I told her that we really couldn't work on us as long as OM was in the picture. She said she wanted to go to one counselling session and then she would decide what she wanted to do. She said she would end it with the other man if she felt we had a chance. I know she is fence sitting and that's what plan B is all about but I think we both had to get to this point before we could go any further.

I don't know where this is going to take me, hopefully not on another rollercoaster ride, but I have to give us a chance. If nothing else, it has given me some hope. Up until now, she hasn't wanted anything to do with us. I also told her this had to be for us and not for the kids. She said she knew. So, maybe there are some feelings still there for me. I'm hoping, but I'm not going to let my guard down too far.

Could use some support tonight. I have been in PlanB for nearly three months now and have seen few results. I seem to miss WW constantly. First thing I think about in the morning, last thing I think about at night. NC seems to be just what WW wants. She calls DDs crying because she misses them, but never even mentions my name to them any more.
This morning I received an email from WW (have not seen or spoken to her once during PlanB).
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could you please have V (my attourney) send whatever agreement you guys have come up with over to C (her attourney)? If the agreement is the same as the last time that is acceptable to me. If I haven't heard anything by the end of the week C will go ahead and file for divorce to get the ball rolling.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The last time we sent papers (legal seperation) to C was just after OMW found out about A and OM was having NC with WW. At that time WW said the terms of the agreement were unfair and she wouldn't sign. Contact began again, after three months, in July. WW is in her own apartment now, so is OM. They spent last week in Barbados together.
It really looks as if WW is going to try to force the end of our M this time. She has told her best friend that, now that she understands what her life can be without me, OM or no she is never coming back. Since D-day (2/16/03) she has refused to discuss our R, she will only say that she no longer wants to be married. What should I do? What can I do?

OK I'll try to cheer you up 23Down (but I feel I must warn you I'm majorly inexperienced at this myself - just verbally told my husband a week ago because he went back to other woman I would do no contact, then didn't really stop contact til a few days later, and haven't even sent the Plan B letter yet - obsessively worrying about what to write and who to send it to causing procrastination)

I've read many times (here and elsewhere) to NOT take seriously anything they say! My husband had been threatening divorce imminent for at least a year-long period THEN agreed to sign a separation agreement to delay divorce for another year! AND the reason he agreed to the delay was because I had assured him once the divorce was final I would never have contact with him again. They may say they are sure they are completely over you but in reality it takes a long, long time. They say such things to try to convince themselves as much as other IMHO. (Just please remind ME of that on the days I come here scared and sad OK? LOL)

And I know my husband at times thought he could get over me quicker, escape from feeling 'torn', by wanting to just rush and get it over with. But even if they do go through with that it doesn't work. It just delays their healing. Believe it or not, you may end up beig over her and healed long before she even really starts to deal with the grief of losing YOU! Because you are in touch with your true feelings and she's not.

You are never alone. Even if you post here when nobody is able to respond right away, be assured we will be thinking and praying about you. And if you do come here and can't find the support you need immediately (because we're off trying to keep busy to keep our minds off it all) you can try what I do: just start reading through threads and you're sure to find a post from somebody expressing your same fears followed by lots of wonderful advice that will give you renewed hope. I thank God every day that I found this site.

Hi 23,

Keep your chin up, my friend.

If she wants to force the issue, let her do the hard work. Do NOT cooperate with her. Don't make it easy for her. Do not lift a finger to facilitate the divorce (sorry to use that word).

OK...let's just for now believe it is fog-talk. I believe it is. 23, I have read so much about the scripts, all being the same. Right now it is very hard for you to see it. You see, the BS's are in fog too. We are in fog, self-imposed fog, to protect ourselves. So we can't see the reality of where our WS's are, and all we can do is focus on our WS's and their activities, their lack of commitment, their lack of connection.

As you know, suddenly recently, my "fog" lifted and I arrived at a place of peace with myself. I think it is at that moment that we, the BS, can objectively see what is going on. The emotional reaction to our experience takes a back seat, and that helps enormously.

For now, I know it is tough...took me MANY months, but for now...fight your emotions. Listen to what the vets here say. Let HER do the dirty work if that is what she says she wants. You do not cooperate in any fashion whatsoever. You, after all, want the marriage to survive. Tell her so, in an email...let her know you will have no part of this, that if she wants it, she is on her own to do it.

Then sit back and wait. Post here and get support. But do NOTHING to help her accomplish something in which you do not believe.

*S*

Well I will do my part to keep this thead alive. Have been in Plan B for almost a month. Monday night SIL called and asked how I was doing. I told her great. She said my H told her to tell me he still loved me and when A was over would like to get back with me. She said he WS was really sincere (heard that before). Anyway since I was watching Monday night football, I was drinking beer. So I told her that I am going out with a guy at work who has a nice ranch out in the country, and I hope that H and OW have a nice life. Well this is a great big lie. I work with a guy who fits the description and he told me if I get a divorce he would like to go out. So the next day H called me at work and wanted to know if I have a copy of his resume. I told him I would look for it. He said "Do you miss me?" I told him to refer to Plan B letter. Then I asked him for insurance papers and package of Advantage (for dog and cat fleas) that he received since he has had mail forwarded. He waid he would drop them off after work today. Well guess what - it is now 6:30PM. He gets off at 4:00PM. On the way home he drives within a block of my house. Well he never showed up. I am so damn tired of all this ****. He has deceived, deceived, deceived. After a month of NC he can still not keep his word. I've had it.

Well, back to plan B. Hopefully for good!!!

I broke my plan B, started talking to my WW and we agreed to go to one counseling session together. Well, don't know how that actually went. We opened up a little, but WW is not committed to coming back yet. The counselor wanted to book another session, but I said I was not going to do anything further until WW committed to leaving OM and coming back home. That didn't go over so well with WW or the counselor. My W wanted to continue to counsel and I said I'd do individual counseling but not together until OM was out of the picture. I feel I'm doing the right thing, but scared all the same. Anyway, told WW no further contact until she is ready. She wanted me to go to our D's cheerleading competition together, but I said no. I don't want to fill some of her needs while OM fills others. Am I wrong here? Am I making the right choice? I hope so... Plan B has gotten me this far. Hopefully no more set backs... Gosh, this sucks................

lost- I'm with you. I still can't get over the fact that after a month in Plan B, my H finally decides to make contact for business reasons and still can't keep a commitment. It is so unreal. All he had to do was drop off letter and pet meds as he stated he would. Could not do it. I am sooooo over him. But this whole thing is bringing me back to before Plan B - all of the deception I put up with, and it is still going on. Back to Plan B and from now on, I won't have any contact, even for business reasons.

Believer, its hard ain't it? It's been about 2 hours since I came home from counseling and all I can think about is my darn WW!!! I'm pi$$ed at myself for letting me do this again. I hope one day I can look back on this and say it was worth all the pain and suffering I'm going through. Well, I did give WW and counselor a list of things that must happen for WW to come home. There is no question now what it will take. The ball is in her court now.

You know, as long as I don't have any contact and don't ask my kids what is going on with my W, I'm ok. I guess I should learn from this and just go dark. I know I've given that advice to others and can't seem to take my own advice. I'm a hard learner I guess. I've always been that person that has to do it once or twice before things set in. Well, this is 2nd or 3rd try, hopefully I've learned my lesson....

Lost-Without-Her

My situation is similar to yours in a couple of ways:

I was planning to hand him the Plan B Letter at a joint marriage counseling appt. we have Saturday morning, saying I will not attend any future joint sessions until he stops contact with other woman. BUT can't decide if it would be wiser to not go to the appt. and just send him the letter? The problem is, the last time the counselor met with me alone, he said to wait to make the next appt. when my husband would agree to attend with me. So I'm assuming the counselor wants BOTH of us there. And if my husband shows up but I don't won't the counselor and my husband interpret that as my not wanting to save marriage? Of course, I don't even know if my husband will even show up (the other woman made him cancel Saturday visitation with his daughters, only allowing him a couple of hours Wednesday evening and Sunday afternoon with his daughters, so he'd have to make up an excuse to get away). So I'm thinking I will show up for appt. just to hand him the letter and then leave. I don't think I should stay around for full hour and talk to him. I can see that was pretty rough on you and you now regret it. I'm also worried our counselor may have the same negative reaction yours did about not wanting to continue joint counseling until the affair ends. I'm afraid to call the counselor ahead of time to tell him what I'm planning - worried he will just cancel appt. altogether if he thinks we aren't going to both come together Saturday or future appt.s? Did you explain it ahead of time to your counselor or just when you got there?

Also I don't know what to do about him showing up at our daughters' skating practices. Our daughters don't want him there and I don't want any contact with him but what can we do about it? My husband took no interest in the skating for most of the last year he lived with us and the 1 1/2 year separation. He complained in front of his daughters about paying for it and spending tie at the rink watchign them skate! They had to drop out for half a year because we couldn't afford it AND his midlife-crisis. He has only in past few weeks started paying for some skating expenses again. We've had to scrimp and fund-raise like crazy just to start sakting again. The people at the rinks are mostly MY friends, fellow skating buddies, and other parents who disapprove of his adultery. I don't want to have to stay home from watching my daughters skate in order to avoid contact with him. Also, I am sure he is lying to other woman, pretending he's spending time with his daughters when they are refusing to even talk to him. He is not spending the time with other woman when daughters refuse visitation with him! I'm praying that her checking up on him will reveal that. I'm too scared she'll call the police on me if I try to contact her to tell her.

Well my H is still deeply in fog. He showed up this AM before work bring requested mail. Didn't even mention not showing up last night, nor did I. He said the house looked nice. Then he said he wanted to find out about our relationship. I told him to refer to letter (Plan B letter). He said he didn't receive a letter. I reminded him that I handed it to him a month ago, and I would not discuss relationship while he was still with OW. He asked if I prayed about our relationship. I told him I prayed every day about our marriage. He said he wished there was something he could do. He said he needed to know how I felt about getting back with him. I told him we have been together for 10 years and now he is dating - didn't look to good for the marriage, and I had to go to work. This is the same pattern he had before Plan B - showing up in AM when there was no time to discuss anything, and saying he wanted to get back with me while ignoring the fact that he has OW, who he spends all his time and money on. I REALLY have to stick to Plan B. I've been reading about everyone else's struggles here, it's hard, but we need to do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...WW is not committed to coming back yet... not together until OM was out of the picture.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did exactly right, my friend! When she puts her money where her mouth is, you'll know it and she's not there yet. This is TOTAL cake eating on her part. YOU are calling YOUR shots right now. Stay the course, stay dark, and stay cool!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh, this sucks................ </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure this feels absolutely awful to you, but it does NOT suck!!!! It's great! Just stay where you are and DON'T DO ANYTHING. Except, possibly, getting Mortarman to encourage you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello Fellow Plan B-ers!

I haven't posted for about a month, but I've been lurking. Just wanted to let you know what's been happening in my life.

First, I've been in PB for 9 months while WH has been living w/OW. WH called me once in Aug. to ask about the possibility of reconciling, I referred him to PB letter, and he hasn't called back.

This is the hard part - I found out that WH bought an expensive car (used but expensive) and he took my name off one of our joint savings accounts, effectively stealing a lot of money. I had never sought a legal separation, I thought WH would come to his senses and come back. HA! I feel stupid and embarrassed. I know that, whatever material wealth WH has, I will always have so much more than he does, my integrity and my family. I can recoup the monetary losses. It's just that taking the money is a cold, calculated thing to do, and it hurts.

A mutual friend talked to WH a couple of weeks ago. WH told him all the things he "should" be saying - How's BS? I miss my family. I miss the gatherings we used to have. Is BS seeing anyone? - but it's just words. No action to back it up. I didn't fall for it.

Now neither of my children will have anything to do with their father. S, 25, has cut contact with WH since Christmas last year. Can it really be that long? D, 23, has kept sporadic contact with WH until recently, when she told him face-to-face what she thought of him. What a sad, sad thing, to break up a family.

Me, I'm detaching from WH, and really coming to terms with the fact that he isn't coming back. It's hard to admit, but I don't want him back. Not the way he was pre-A, he'd have to be a different person, someone I could trust. I don't think he has it in him to be that person.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone who has hope that their marriage can be reconciled. Many people have done just that, right here on this board. Plan B has allowed me to go from a frightened, depressed, shocked woman a year ago to a confident, ambitious woman looking forward to the future. Hey, that's who I used to be!

Don't know if I'm ready to move to Dv, I'd prefer WH to do it himself. A small part of me feels a sense of "responsibility" for WH. I'm watching a man I've lived with for 27 years destroy himself. My natural instinct is to reach out to him, or at least wait for the A to end before I make a move, but I don't know if that's the best thing for ME.

So that's where I'm at. Hello reality.

Lablady

Me 48
WH 48
M 25 yrs
S 25, D 23
OW 45 widow/coworker
D-day 1&2 1989
D-day 3 7/02
Oct. 02 I tell WH to move out after he goes back and forth btwn me and OW. Moves in w/his mother
Dec. 02 WH comes home for the holidays
12/31/02 WH moves in w/OW
Plan B letter sent 2/03
Limited contact, financial stuff
8/03 WH calls, asks about reconciling
10/03 contemplating Dv

lablady - I know how you feel. WS is all talk, no action. I too (after only 1 month in Plan B) can't decide if I really do want my H back. Don't think so, not the man he is now. Maybe the man he used to be. I've lost my respect for him, his constant deceit is pathetic. His lack of care for me is taking it's toll. My happiest days are when I don't think of him at all. Sad but true.

I received an email from WW this evening:

I miss everyone. I hope we will be OK to talk sometime in the future. I understand not right now.

I thought of emailing her a few lines from the PlanB letter that explain what that will take, but I've decided to stay dark.

23down,

Perfect, IMHO. Stay dark, very dark. She knows what is in the letter, believe me.

I sense a sudden, very short burst of a breeze that for a nanosecond blew just a bit of fog away.

Stay strong, keep the faith, stay dark!

*S*

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>

I've been in PlanB now for three months. Haven't seen or spoken (except for a few emails) to my WW once in that entire time.
Tuesday night younger DD is playing in this year's Junior/Senior powder-puff football game at the high school. WW has called DD to say she will definitely be there. Just last week I was forced to send her attourney the seperation papers. I don't see how I can avoid her the entire evening. Should I approach her? How do I handle this situation? Help!

23down - Go to game and have a good time. Do not have anything to do with WS. If she approaches you be polite, but do not talk about relationship. This is very important - read Takola's thread, once you talk to her, you will be in deeper and deeper. Good luck.

Just continuing this post.

Not many new developements. WW seems to be taking a little more interest in our D's lately. Spending more time with them and less time with OM. I'm thinking this is good, but it can be bad also. My D's may be getting used to OM and that makes me a little nervous. I know they will never like this man, but they may get 'used' to him.

Anyway, I have a counselling session today with a new counselor. I'll see how that goes. Kinda been thinking about the holidays. Looking forward to them, but wishing I'd not be alone. I'm sure WW is probably thinking the same... I mean she probably wishes her kids will be with her...

Trying to get back to being comfortable in plan B again after 'peeping' out last week. It seems a little easier this time. Not as anxious this time. I kinda like the freedom right now. I pretty much can do what I want, even though I'm still not doing too much. I do seem to get a lot more accomplished in less time now. The house only takes a couple of hours a day to clean, and I stay on top of the clothes, so I'm not doing 20 loads on Saturday!!! Man, my girls seem to go through a lot of clothes in a week. I think they wear 2 or 3 outfits a day!!!.

Well, its a new week. Life goes on.......

Believer, it sounds like you're doing very well overall. It's great to read, and I know your DD's need you to be there for them, including for the laundry! Speaking of that, you might want to check out www.flylady.net. Flylady is a bit of a fanatic, but she's great for motivation on housework and on a whole lot of other things that need to be done and that we procrastinate on. Take a look! Sign up for the e-mail list, and read what you can. Even a little will help a lot.