have I blown Plan B too much already
No.
But you do need to take a look at your actions more closely to see how you can better do Plan B.

You have read, "Surviving An Affair" correct?

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Zizzycool,

I like the battle cry idea - I like it a LOT!

I still like some of the words from the old Helen Reddy song, "I Am Woman" - it talks about strength and independence. I frequently think those thoughts.

All,

My FWH and I are entering Recovery again, after a couple of false starts last year. Please send us positive thoughts and prayers.

He sent the n/c letter Monday and is moving back home tomorrow. I am very encouraged by his "presence" - he seems very strong and committed. He seems a different person than when he came home the other times.

I will keep you posted as we travel the road to Recovery. And this time, I believe that road will NOT dead-end.

I thought it was important to let you guys know. After all, I started this thread, and I have been in this a L-O-N-G time!

Hugs to all. Keep the faith, and stay strong and true to yourselves.

I posted a couple of days ago on another thread however it seems to make sense that I join you here for the support I need. I have been in Plan B for 3 days now. My WS has gone to his fathers home which is empty just now as his dad died in September.

I know he is in fog and he tells me that the OW is not in his life now. That was in the past he told me she was married with 2 teenage children
I know for fact he will not take on that sort of commitment.

What I have never understood is what is going on through their minds when they sit calmly with you and tell you its over. This was his 2nd A and I thought we were in recovery from the first.

He sat me down calmly and told me I deserved better and that there is someone out there for me who will love me better than he does. He says there is someone out there for him too. He tells me that he loves me deep down but not in love therefore our relationship can't be right and that I'm strong and will make a great success of my life if he's not around anymore. HOW NOBLE

Well he's been back 3 times since Xmas and I did the usual calling sending him mB stuff but you can't take a horse to water and make it drink. So I have taken the advice of pepperband and am going to take care of myself and have not made any contact with him it's tough.

The other thing is I have protected him for years from the family and told my sister who drove 100's of miles to see me and also told my son from my previous marriage he's 31. I have a great supporting and loving circle of family and friends and I guess I need to take care of my needs just now.

It would be my 13 wedding anniversary next week. My first marriage lasted 17 years I left my first H for WS because my EN were not being met in spite of trying. I feel that its almost as if I'm repaying my karmic debt. Don't we learn alot as we get wiser and would'nt we all do something different. However I'm not going to beat myself up about this as WS made the choice to wreck our marriage.

My home is being sold and I should be out of here in 3 months. He got us into so much debt when he lost the business.

I know he is very confused as he said he was not altogether sure if he was doing the right thing but I am just so tired of hoping and working this out. I don't cry anymore but on my own it's too easy over this holiday period to keep pouring the wine. I've got a job so next week will keep me occupied.

My thoughts at this moment are one of acceptance that he has gone for good, the crazy thing is we always got along intellectually looked out for one another no rows etc. Perhaps there may be a friendship between us sometime in the future.

I think the biggest killer is going to be time so I am trying to organise things to do yoga classes meditiation.

Maybe at 52 years of age I am meant to be on my own for the first time in my life and that my happiness does not depend on an H.

I feel saddness and disbelief that I have come to this point in my marriage, however I will not become cynical or bitter. Our creator made us out of pure love so I will continue to behave in that mold.

Do we know of anyone who has come back and made a success of their marriage after a PLAN B. Reading Dr Harleys notes it does'nt sound too optimistic for us here.

However glad to be joining this thread.

There are lots of people who were in Plan B and are now in recovery. It just takes time.

The great part of Plan B is how much it helps you to personally recover. So either way, you can't lose.

I have not done a great job at Plan B, but good enough where I am happy now, even though we are still not in recovery. But the pain and anger is gone, and that is enough for me right now.

Please stick with us as we continue through this together.

The BS who started this thread with no hope in site...ISGIRL...finally is in recovery!!! I think that is the best news ever for everyone who is plan B now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That sure gives me hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm in no plan right now. Wife has made it clear that DV is where we are going to end up. I went out tonight with a bunch of guys from work. We had a good time, but all I could think about driving home was WW. When I got home I saw my D on the couch. She was supposed to be staying with her mom. I asked her why she didn't stay over and she said her mom was going over to see OM. I'm glad D came home and also realized her loyalties were to me. I feel no matter how long this goes on, my Ds will always choose me over W and OM. Kinda makes me feel good. Makes me feel sad also, because WW chooses OM over her own kids. Well, sorry if I'm depressing, but I still miss W and wish she'd come out of the fog. It may be way too late by then though. I wish I could just go back into plan B and ride this out but we both have said that DV is going to happen, one way or another.

feeling really bad today, it comes in waves and I just want to be sick. I've got the dogs which help me get outside for some fresh air.

What I'm not sure about in PLAN B avoiding all contact with them is it really supposed to be a way of knocking some sense into them.

ISGirl what was it that got your H to come back to you? How do we know if they are sincere.

What I'm not sure about is whether he still is in contact with OW I can't prove anything and he tells me no.

The part I find difficult to deal with is I feel I've been living a lie for such a long time and that I never knew the person I was married to at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chestnut:
<strong>ISGirl what was it that got your H to come back to you? How do we know if they are sincere.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chestnut,

I don't know what it was that got my H to come back. But you can ask him. He posts here as Lost Bird. Call him out by creating a thread with his name in it, and ask him.

Now as to your second question: I really believe he is committed this time. It's a gut thing - you know how that gut thing works, right? You remember feeling it when you suspected your H's affair. But there are no guarantees. And we have to take this relationship one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Baby steps. Learning to trust each other again, learning to live together again. Learning to love together again.

Sincerity will be proven. It is not something we can assume is there. But it will be proven in the days to come.

All the best!

ISgirl, i want to know what are your boundaries you did while doing plan B??? Was it really a strict plan B with no contact at all? Did you send any articles from MB while in plan B? Did you break plan B to talk to him every month or so? Did he know you will never divorce him?

Yeah...the gut feeling...that is real.

After going through 3 false recovery with him in a span of 4 months...i think i learn to see when WH is sincere or still talking the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong> ISgirl, i want to know what are your boundaries you did while doing plan B??? Was it really a strict plan B with no contact at all? Did you send any articles from MB while in plan B? Did you break plan B to talk to him every month or so? Did he know you will never divorce him?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, my Plan B started very strong in July. I had NO contact at all. He understood that and didn't try to contact me. But since, let's see, since December, my Plan was full of holes. What started it leaking was my H's leaving me a note that he was trying to break the addiction. I responded, telling him he might want to talk to Penny (Cerri). A couple of weeks later I got a call from her, saying he was ready to come home. Well, it got delayed and delayed, his good intentions, I believe, held captive by the strangle-hold of the addiction.

I never sent him anything from MB. He knew about MB and lurked frequently, reading and trying to do the right thing.

So, zizzy, yes and no to your Plan B question. Probably had I remained in no contact since December, he might have made the decision to return home earlier; we'll never know.

Oh, and yes, he did know I was finished and had a very close deadline to move on without him. Whether or not that had any impact on his decision, I cannot say. Again, you may wish to ask him some questions.

Hugs.

Thanks for the answers.

My WH is still stuck with his addiction and i think he knows it is an addiction because he ever said that to me.

He has no access to internet where he is living or at his office so i am not able to get him back to MB site for help. When he was staying at home, i managed to get him to come here and he posted a few.

There is no proper marriage counselor here so my only option is waited in near total darkness and hope for the best.

Almost everyday he sends I love you text messages to DD and occasionaly he adds...i love you AND MAMA in the messages. My daughter replies all his messages. On rare occasion when the time feels right i tell DD to add i AND MAMA loves papa too.

I guess that is sort off breaking plan but i thought that once in awhile thats okay. After all didn't i write in my plan B letter that i love him.

I did get a glimpse of him from the window when he comes to pick up DD. Other than that i stay hidden and we have not seen each other for more than a month. I spoke to him two nights ago when DD got bitten by a cat. He was worried about her when i text message him about it. He wanted to talk to me about it. He more or less lectured me about keeping cats away and how dangerous they can be. I let him speak. Finally he asked if i wanted him to be there and i said no and that everything is okay.

That conversation reminded me some of those things which i don't like about him. When i think about it...i am actually glad i am in plan B and need not have to deal with him and his lectures.

I have started refocusing. I realised that i think too much about WH and it did not help me at all. I have started to stop the thoughts of WH and i think i am doing better.

Keep us update...ISgirl.

Bumping for the Tinman...and others.

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to paste here what my FWH (Lost Bird, #33342) posted on another thread. It clearly points out the importance of no contact during Plan B. Take from our experience and learn. If I had remained in no contact longer, we might have started down the road to recovery much earlier.

This is a direct quote from his thread:

"The contact we had during separation probably did more harm in my progress to return than anything else. Let me attempt to explain.

During those periods of silence, I had time to reflect on my M and what was in jeopardy. Interstingly, I best remembered the good stuff, those wonderful times and memories we shared. Then along would come some form of contact. Often it resulted in hurt feelings, some anger and defensive posturing on my part. For me it resulted in negative thoughts and sadly, over shadowed and dashed any progress I had made. Yes, call it being stubborn. Or perhaps, I knew what I was doing was wrong, why do I need to be reminded. So back in the shell I climbed. Further complicating things is that I am a first class conflict avoider.

What brought me back? There wasn't one single thing but perhaps a series of things. I had felt pressured in returning and naturally, that didn't do any good. Some people tried to play the morality card, but that doesn't work -- why would it on someone involved in an A? I know they were appealing to my better nature, but the stubborn side won.

I came back when I wanted to and felt I was best prepared to work on recovery. There wasn't a lightning bolt or anything like that, just a progression of thoughts and feelings. It will take time -- some take longer than others which is certainly evident here on this board. I guess there may be an "average" time, but since all people are unique, so are the circumstances.

Protect yourself and your feelings. My best advice is stay silent. If you need to make contact in the event of an emergency or some extraordinary circumstance, do so through an intermediary -- something recommended my MB. It sure its impact on me when that first happened."

I also wanted you to see something I wrote on another marriage forum (Penny Tupy's Save Your Marriage Central bulletin board). Here is the link:
The BS Is Fog-Bound Too!

All this is important to those in Plan B. Hope it helps.