Last night, as some of you know, my H told me in front of his GF on the phone that we were over, that he wants the papers, and that he chose her, and that he loves her more than me. I know he was pissed at me, and I know he was saying it to satisfy her. This morning, he came over to my house to drop some things off for my son, and he told me he doesn't love her, he loves me, but not like he used to, and when I said why are you throwing me away, he said he wasn't throwing me away. He said he was mad that I talked to his friend, and that if I ever talked to him again, it would really be over. His friend is his GF's cousin and apparently he told them that we've been talking and exposed my H's relationship with me to the OW, who thought he was through with me. So, now she is back to thinking he is through with me, when today he held me tight and kissed me and told me he loves me.

My heart is telling me it's over. I am thinking that he only said those things to me because he saw my pain. She hasn't officially moved into my old home, but she sleeps there every night.
So, night time is the hardest for me, which is why I am awake now at 1:25am. I can't stop my mind. I envision them sleeping together, not only having sex, but cuddling while they sleep. I wonder if he thinks about me. We lived for 7 years in that house together...you would think that there would be some memories there of me. I can't believe that her feelings are more important than mine. And now I have ruined any chance to effectively do Plan A again because he probably won't let me go to his house anymore, and he won't come to mine. He just keeps telling me to give it time. That she is really not what he wants. But she is "wild" as far as sex is concerned. She will do anything, anywhere, anytime no matter who is around or who might see them. And to me that is trashy. I love making love to my H and I do like to add a bit of "spice" to the lovemaking, but I am not an exhibitionist. There are just some things that should be kept private. What I don't understand about all that is that my H couldn't even stand another man to look at me just passing by let alone have someone see us having sex in public.

Sex has always been an issue in our marriage. He wanted it more than I did. He always felt that I wasn't spontaneous enough. It wasn't that I didn't love being with my H, it was that my needs were different than his. Now he has someone to fulfill those needs whenever he wants.

I am so afraid that I am losing him to her. That the sex is going to make her more appealing to him than I am. He says he loves her, but that his love for me is deeper than what he feels for her. But how long before that changes? How long before he doesn't love me that deep anymore?

He is still jealous of the thought of someone else having me. He made a comment that I wanted his friend that I talked to. And that his friend wants me. Well, to be totally honest, I've known that his friend has wanted me for a long time. Not because of sex, but because of the kind of woman I am. (Fortunately, I am self-sufficient, I have a college degree and a good job as a nurse, that could be in serious jeapordy because of my anguish, and financially I can make it on my own.) But there is nothing but friendship there for him from me. And now, I don't think I can even say that because he betrayed my trust by telling them that we talked. I had asked him not to, and he said he would honor that request.

Anyway, my heart hurts constantly. I think of my H always, no matter where I am or who I am with. I am consumed by fear and sadness. And I don't know how to pull myself out of this hellhole I am in. And I cry all the time. I am 4 days on an antidepressant. I cry all the time in front of my son, and that kills me that he is hurting for me. He is 13. He has now said that he doesn't want to go anywhere near my H until he is done with the OW. But what if that doesnt' happen? And what if my H blames me for the way my son feels? I mean it is partially my fault since he sees my pain daily. We have a small house now, and there is no escaping my sobbing from him.

I need help. I am so desperate to save my marriage that I may be actually enabling the A because I am so clingy and begging when my H is around. I still can't eat, and I am losing too much weight, and I can't sleep. And as a nurse, I know that I can't go on much longer like this or I will end up in the hospital either very sick or with a nervous breakdown. (Which I've come close to twice now.) I try so hard to be strong. I pray for patience and strength, but it never seems to come. The anxiety of waiting is killing me, and I have no desire or energy or money right now to go out and do things. Being around other people isn't all that helpful because everyone has an opinion on what I should or shouldn't do, or why he's doing what he's doing. And it's driving me insane. My depression is deep, and I am going to the Dr.'s tomorrow to get a leave of absence from work. My second visit with the IC is Wed.

I pray for my husband daily. All day. I pray for myself and for me to change. I really think that if can show him in a nice way and not a cocky way that I am going on with my life with or without him, that will kinda get to him. But I just don't have the energy to do it. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. Not that I want to die, cuz I don't, I just want to escape it all for awhile. And when I do sleep, that seems to be the only relief, until I wake again.

If anything, all I ask for is your prayers. Pray that my husband realizes what he losing, and pray for healing to begin for me. I really don't know what I will do if he really doesn't want me back. I think I will have to be committed then. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 01:54 AM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

I'm up late tonight working on my computer. Hope you are sleeping by now and don't read this tonight. You have to save your strength -- you may be in the early stages of this. Think of it as a long war you have to fight, and you are still in the early battles.

Anti-depressants, to my best knowledge, take about two weeks to kick in. But you're a nurse. You know more than I do about that.

Don't know what to say -- you know you will survive. Try to think of the person who is going to emerge from the other side of this -- and try to put your energy into HER!

I wrestle with insomnia -- fortunately, I can sleep in in the mornings and that helps. I sleep most deeply between 6 and 9 a.m. If I can catch those hours, I can usually survive without being too much of a nervous wreck.

Think of your son, and being strong for him.

Go to bed!

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

P.S. If you really can't sleep, you can read the New York Times online: www.nytimes.com. I'm reading the book section right now.

Deeplyhurting,

I am so sorry you are in such deep pain. Just know that most of us have been through this and it won't last forever. But I am concerned that you did not do Plan A long enough. What was the reasoning behind moving so quickly to Plan B? If you moved to Plan B now he would just be relieved because you have been pleading and begging. You must stop with the pleading and crying for your sake.

Also, I hope you DON'T take a leave of absence. Work was my only saving grace after my husband left and my son was killed within 6 months. I would have really lost my mind if that had happened. It was hard to concentrate on work but at least it got me out of the house and into a normal environment every day. I would have curled up and died without that.

Another thing that helped TREMENDOUSLY was working out at home. I bought the toughest weight training and cardio tapes I could find and just threw myself into them. I was able to lose myself in exercise for a blissful hour every night. This really helped my mental outlook!

DH,
I don't know if you read my last post to you on your other thread, but I do know about the begging & clinging first hand. The 2nd time my H was leaving me, I wrapped myself around his leg and only let go because I had to throw up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

4 years later, that's still a painful memory.

But, I decided that I wasn't going to continue on that way. It wasn't accomplished in a day, but with MB, a great counselor and the grace of God I'm a much stronger person today.

Only you can make that change within you, and it will benefit you no matter the marital outcome.

On the subject of prayer, I'd also recommend the book POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian. 30 prayers, backed with Bible verses for specific things about your H--work, temptation, sex, parenting. And it starts with a prayer for your H's wife, you, which is probably the hardest prayer. When my H had his change of heart, it included turning life back over to Christ.

I'd also recommend exercise, it helps process your anxiety & stress and as your body strengthens, I know I feel more confident.

Don't prepare for losing your mind...prepare for gaining strength. And, repeat the Bible verse in my signature line over and over.

deeplyhurting...

i think you need to seriously take a step back from this situation...
and set some serious boundaries for you that protect you and define you and your belief system...

Fisrt of all decide that the only true thing to believe about your husband is that he is capable of lying....

that is the only truth there is about him right now...
Sooooo knowledge is power...and knowing that give you power not to react to ANYTHING he says right now...

I wouldn't believe things are over with him and her any more than I believe they aren't...
his words are empty....it is his actions that do and will define him....

Begin to see everything that comes from his mouth as babble...(and I realize that is easy for me to just say...for his words and lies go much deeper in the sense they are serious big ones that hurt deeply!!!)

But you can't stop him can't change him...
CHANGE your response...he calls and says it's over..and you react exactly how he expects you to...lots of begging pleading and drama...and this is no attack at you....we do what we know and respond to what hurts...

BUT...imagine him calling you with this big dramatic speach about how it's over...and you saying...oh that's nice....Who do you think will be in the superbowl this year....oh forget it..I'll ask someone else..gotta go...CLICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You want his attention...remove yourself from his crappola...
same goes when he comes at you with all this reconscilliation junk....really dear...who do you think will be in the superbowl this year...???

He said he was mad that I talked to his friend, and that if I ever talked to him again, it would really be over.

don't you dare dare dare for one iota of a second take responsibility for his actions and choices based on a threat by him...babble back..
but set cleat limits you will not partake in protecting him from his actions and lies...ever..!!!!!!!!

And what if my H blames me for the way my son feels?
Well that's just conveiniant reality avoidance..and that's his problem...!!!!!
NOT YOURS!!!!!!!!!!

the way to feel better about any of this..is to make small tiny movements that empower you and give you control over you and only you...

invite husband out with you and son..some where public...for a short time...out for icecream..be pleasant.....go even if he refuses....but invite...

why are you and son out of your house...
why don't you move back home...

do not roll over and go belly up on this....
you are worthy of much more...
you hold great meaning to the universe...

Do not believe in his irrational and insane mumbo jumbo...GREAT GREAT irony lies in just the fact he is mad at you for talking to someone...while he is sleeping with another woman!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Do not let his lies become your reality no matter how much he tries to force them on you....
boundaries must be set
limits must apply...
his anger be dammed...
protect yourself...find your footing...
remove yourself from his chaos and let him in to the good and noble parts of you...

you can do this....
ARK
read read read up around here....

Deeplyhurting, I think your meds and a leave of absence are both a good idea - you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself right now. The meds will take a while to kick in...hang in there. Everything feels really terrible right now, but it will get better. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm glad your son is supportive of you. Just keep loving your son and reassure him that you intend to get through this and that you're doing everything you can to seek help. God's love to you both.

Well, all I can say is...WOW! You guys are great! Pretty much everything you've said are things I already know. As far as moving into plan B, I knew it was too soon, but I was afraid of being a doormat, so I thought eliminating myself from him would stop the doormat thing. But I can't seem to not take his calls. All my friends have told me also to take this approach, since it would drive him crazy to wonder where she is, why isn't she home to take my calls, and why is she not answering her cell phone? I know this would drive him insane. But, I really don't want him to think that I don't want a reconciliation. So, I have moved back into Plan A.

This morning he called, again right after the OW left for work. His excuse for calling was if I knew where the water bill was....like how would I know that....I haven't lived there for 6 weeks. But we talked about 10 minutes and I didn't even mention the OW. It's not that I didn't want to, but I held myself in check. And when he brought her up, (they had been talking about a financial problem I am in and she works in debt consolidation) I calmly told him to please refrain from bringing her into my personal business. I didn't get mad, or yell or get snotty. Just plain talk.

I then asked him if he wanted me to take our wedding pictures back so that they wouldn't be around for her to see. And he said no, then he wouldn't have anything to look at. I said you look at them? He said of course I look at them. And since I have all of the pictures downloaded on CD, he said he wanted to keep them.

He said he thinks about me all the time and that he misses me. And that he is still "working" towards ending it with her and being with me again. He told me he loves me and then we ended our conversation.

I will not call him. I will not see him. Any contact will have to be made by him. And I will be casual and calm and let him think that I have gone on with my life. I still let him know that I want reconciliation, and that I love him. I just am not begging anymore. Or crying and screaming.

I am going to join the fitness club that my hospital owns. It's very cheap for employees and it comes right out of my check. But they have many extras, like yoga, and swimming aerobics and stress management courses, and that will help to get me out of this house.

As far as the leave of absence, I really think that I need a couple weeks. I know that work is a good distraction, but I work in the ICU and my mind HAS to be clear to deal with the critically sick patients I have. I feel as if I am putting myself and my license at risk, my patients' lives at risk, and it's not fair to my co-workers to have to pick up my slack or worry about me while I'm there. I figure at least 2 weeks would give me enough time to let the antidepressants kick in, and also give me time to clear my head. I will keep myself busy, and find things to do. I have enough sick time to cover 5 weeks if I need it, but I won't take that long.

Lor, I have and am reading The Power of a Praying Wife and I read it daily. Some chapters I read repeatedly, but I have found it to be a tremendous help and source of comfort.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear deepyhurting, I know what you're going through and I wish you the best of luck. When you said, you can't stop your mind. That's exactly how I explained my anxiety/depression to other people. I remember not being able to think clearly. Just remember that these symptoms should be explained to your doctor so as he could adjust the dosage as necessary.

My situation is that my wife of 5 years doesn't care or want to have anything to do with me. What I wouldn't give for her to call me out of the blue just to say hello and not have some sort of agenda--lawyer, bills, etc. We've been separated over two months because of mutual indiscretions and I want her back more than anything. It sounds to me like you atleast mean something to him and that if you cut him off a bit, he'll come running. Good luck!