Just curious for the reasons that many of you decided to get married. I believe in marriage because it's a way for me so show the other how much I love them and want to be committed to them. But most of all I want to please God and if I read the Bible correctly, if you are in a relationship with someone you love so much and want to have sexual relations with them, then you marry. My ex feels the marriage license is just a piece of paper, and says I must have felt that way to being I was the one who moved out. I still love him with all my heart and want for both of us to get help so we can be together again, but it's not my goal to be his live in lover. Nor do I want to become his common law wife. He says this is an ultimatumn (not sure how to spell). Too me its just one of my values that I will no longer compromise. Just because I had been someones shack up honey in the past and made many mistakes does not mean I want to repeat them. Up untill last Friday we still had relations together, because of my love for him, yet when I go home, I feel guilty as hell. I feel I let God down again. The ex thinks no big deal being we were married before. To me thats like saying I can also sleep with my first husband for the same reason (dont hardly think so). Am I just being a baby or being strong by holding onto my values. I am losing my ex for this, yet I never want him to ask for my hand in marriage just so he can be with me. I want him to because he loves me so and is the right thing to do. Such as Life huh?<P>I just have to give my life over to God and what is meant to be will. I cannot change my ex view on the subject and will not try anymore.<P>Sad Bluestar

Can I ask you something.... <P>Which is more important to you ?<P>1) Pleasing God<BR>2) Being Married<BR>3) Loving your partner<P><BR>1) Pleasing God<P>If this is the most important of the 3 above then why did you have sex with him before marriage? From what you have said you didn't go along with this for all this time and didn't please God and now suddenly change.<P>Your partner was with you because he thought he understood who you were... if you change part of that relationship significantly like this and say "THIS is the way I am" then you *are* actually giving him an ultimatum.<P>You are saying to him "I am now different. The NEW me puts God first. If you can accept this let us continue our relationship.. if you cannot then I am unwilling to compromise and therefor our relationship must be over in order for me to Please God".<P>2) Being Married<P>Then you would be a common law wife if being married is more important than loving him and more important than pleasing God.<P>3) Loving our partner<P>I have seen a lot of people marry and not mean it... to me its more important to love someone and mean it than to enter into something you don't live up to. Call it marriage, commitment whatever you like but if Loving your partner means more than marriage (ie you would rather be in love and NOT married... than married and NOT in love) then I dont see what the problem is.<P>If you have a 4th one I would like to hear it but they are the choices I see....<P>BTW, marriage IS about compromise... its about doing everything together and compromising EVERYTHING you are... there is a catch however... if you have picked the right person both of you won't WANT to compromise on some things (such as faith in God) while being happy to on others... if you are so different then marriage isn't the answer...<P>And it sounds as if this difference is SUDDEN

Lost Soul,<P>I made the mistake of sleeping with others in the past without them wanting or willing to committ. It's like I have to give them sex in order to keep them. Therefore while things might have been exciting at the time, I still felt cheap. The man I am referring to above I had married twice, and he just admitted to me he only did it because he felt I would not have him any other way. He also felt I would not just date him and him alone in the begginnng. I would have but he cant believe that. Thats his insecurity. My exboyfriend asked me to marry him finally just as I was packing up to move out. If the most important thing to me is to have a married status, I would have accepted, but I knew he only asked then to keep me there. I did not ever tell my ex husb that I felt good about having sex without marriage with him, but did so in order to keep him pleased while I thought we would work on our problems. He had said if I wouldnt give that to him, there would be nothing to work on. He also said that was the best thing we had together so why stop. All my life I have only known men who feel that sex is the most important thing in life, and makes me feel why the rest of me is of any importantce. If I never disobeys Gods rules I would not be in this situation.<P>

I forgot to mention, I do want to please God first, and then my husb (ex). Hard to call him my ex.. If you are religous also, I have always felt God wanted me to help my ex with something. Maybe to help him get his life in order and bring him back to God. Why I feel this way, I am not sure being I am one of the weakest Christians there are. Even during the times where he was cutting me up one side and down the other, that thought never left my mine. Would be easier if it went away. He has so many issues that need resolved as well as I do, but he is not willing to get help. Maybe I just like to suffer.<BR>Oh Well

Bluestar...<P>I know how you feel, all my life I have been seen as an object for women to gain their sexual satisfaction with... being someone who respects women and always places their pleasure above my own (an emotional need I have) they have used that to get what they want and sometimes nothing else.<P>You seem very mixed in your feelings here... It does sound as if you have just recently made a committment to God and I have to tell you... such a change in itself is very damaging to a relationship if the other partner doesn't feel the same way.<P>It might not seem this way to you... but in your H's eyes you have just cheated on him... not with another man but with God... Because in his eyes things which you shared are now being denied because this new person is not only in your life but you are having some of your needs met by him.<P>I was in a situation where my wife was religious and I went along with it to make her happy... it ended badly. I gave her all the love in the world and she gave all her love to God... in the end the ONLY person who suffered was me... the well was dry.<P>You have a choice to make. Your H WONT turn to God... you have to accept that. Once you do the choice is yours whether to be with someone who doesn't accept God or to decide to find someone who does. Whatever you do.. DONT think you will change him it will only make things worse.

Lost Soul,<P>My ex used to be a man of God and while we were still married he let me know that was no longer what he wanted. Said he had enough of church and such, but he was ok with me wanting to do right. That is also in the Bible that when one spouse is a believer and choses to live accordingly but the other is not, but accepts what the other is wants its ok to remain married. My ex never told me he wanted a divorce over it but sure made it hard for me to commit. But now we arent married and I have the same goals as before. I can love God and my husband. I needed God to help me become a better wife to my husband, to help me be more patient and understanding. Especially needed help controling my mouth when I get mad. Without his help I am no good to my exhusb.. Me being religious did not and would not affect our sex lives. We can still get as wild as ever. But being we need to work on things, and the fact he will not marry again he says puts a damper on everything. So no sex. I told him I will still pray for him, cant hurt. He responded by saying well maybe God will kick me in the a** and straightend me out and make me do whats right. Never know. If he doesnt maybe we were just not meant to be. I went with him at lunch today shopping, and he has to be a smarty and mentioned maybe he should buy these condoms that were marked down being he has to go get sex from women who have been who knows where, being I cut him off now. I told him if that is what he has to do then go ahead and buy them. Of course he didnt, but I am sure he will be doing the nasty soon with someone. His drive is high. I hope he doesnt, but I know I no longer have a say so in it, but dont want him to tell me about it when he does. It's just as hard for me to hold back as well being my drive is almost as high, well just as high when it comes to him. lol maybe I need to change my name from Bluestar to frustrated. <P>Living right is very hard when you have not done it in the past. My whole life has been pretty much a mess too, so I am hopefull this will work. I am sure you dont feel the same as I do, but keep your fingers crossed for me anyway.