I was feeling so down and depressed over my H's A, the bills, and in general my depression over it all. I am usually a strong woman, and this is not like me to curl up in a ball and let things bring me down this bad. I started having panic attacks after the other night when he called to tell me that it was over. And I felt myself slipping further and further into myself. My mind would not stop...it consumed me. I wasn't taking care of myself or my son. I went to my sister's yesterday and came very close to losing it completely. She thinks I did have a nervous breakdown. I basically shut down. She called my doctor and I went to see him today. He changed my medication and already I feel better. I start a new antidepressant tonight which is faster acting and stronger than what he had originally prescribed. I am also taking a 2 week leave of abscence. I did sleep a lot today, but I needed it and I ate good today. And I feel much better. I just decided that he is not worth hurting myself and my son. I still love my husband and I hope for reconciliation, but I am not going to jeapordize my life or my son's anymore for him. I still am having difficulty staying completely away from him, although at this stage, I think Plan A is better than Plan B. The only difference now is that I will not be a doormat which is what I was doing before in Plan A.

I also decided, and wholeheartedly gave all of this to God last night. I have said this before, but something in me changed yesterday. Now I am ready to accept whatever His will is for my life and if that means I don't reconcile with my husband so be it. I am ready for whatever God has waiting for me. I pray still for my H on a daily basis. I have also changed the way I write in my journal. I now write as if I am writing to my H instead of recounting my day.

I bought the Windsor-Pilates CD's about a month ago and never watched them,but I plan to start working out at home tonight. As soon as my finances are in order, I am joining the health club the hospital I work for owns.

My H still calls me every morning. And this morning he said he woke up thinking about me and that is why he called. I will take whatever he says with a grain of salt, because he has lied to me, and he is continuing to lie to her to protect her feelings. She again thinks that he and I are over. But, I am not ready to completely cut all ties with him yet. I love him still, and I always will. But now it is in God's hands and I will go where He leads me.

Thanks to all who has replied to my previous posts. I can't tell you how much is has helped, but I'm sure you already know since we are all here for the same reason.

God bless

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

DH,
I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain. I've been there, it is all consuming. But it does level out with time. I still feel the pain 8 mos. later, but it's not as raw, and I the good feelings I have come more often and stay longer.
YOu sound as though you are trying very hard to be positive, that's good. It does take work, but as you said yourself, you are a strong woman! And the kids need us now more than ever to be strong!
WH is pretty fogged in right now, you are right to take what he says with a grain of salt. Actions speak louder!
Rely on your faith, your friends and family and your inner strength. Post often, it helps.
Take Care.

*Wonderful*

If you can get your hands on a copy .... listen to this old R&B song

I Will Survive .... by Gloria Gaynor!

or....

Respect .... by Aretha Franklin

If you dance around and work-out to those songs .... you'll FEEL THE POWER!

The rollercoaster will dip .... but as long as you recognize there will be light at the end of this tunnel .... YOU will survive .... and THRIVE!

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I must confess .... sometimes I dance to and sing along with this song ....

Goodbye Earl .... by Dixie Chicks .... also Sin Wagon

Let's face it .... sometimes there ain't nuthin' like a rockin' BAD-[censored] GIRL song when you've got the blues! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Deeply hurting, I am sorry that you are on this roller coaster. I'm very familiar with it myself. Definately, hit the gym as soon as you can because it will clear your head, make you feel good about yourself and you just might meet some new people. In the meantime, walk around a lot to combat your depression. I swear it works and it'll help you sleep better.

I would recommend that you not let him know how much your hurting also. Make it look like you'll be o.k. so that you know when he calls you, it's because he wants to and not because he feels like he should.

Take care of yourself and do some things on your own that make you happy.

Personal favorite cheeeeeesey twanged out song...

Lorretta Lynn the first lady of country...

FIST CITY
and
YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN !!!

None of you want to go to karioke-ing with ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (?sp)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
ARK

deeplyhurting,
I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been there. Gosh, I remember feeling like I was just going to die of a broken heart. I was so depressed and my hormones were so out of control b/c I was pregnant at the time but, meds did help a little.

BUT, it's been 10 months since D-day and believe me when I say, IT TAKES TIME. I know a lot of people would say this to me and I hated it. But it so true. I am such a stronger person now. And my WH knows it and can tell that I'm ready to go on with out him.

He's still calling and yes I am taking it with a grain of salt too. He's burned me one too many times. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! That's my philosophy when it comes to him. He can say anything he wants but in the end he knows how I feel about his WORDS. I want ACTION.

This is going to be hard. One minute you feel good then, bam it hits you like a ton of bricks. You've just only been seperated 2 months. This is going to take a lot of time and patience. I know we all wish this SH*T end soon, but it doesn't and we have to just learn to accept it and take it day by day.

You'll get through this. You sound like you're already on the right track. God shows us the path, it's up to us whether we want to take it or take a different route. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DH,
You do sound much better.

My counselor always told me that God had a plan for me and I could trust God. Also, God wants your marriage healed more than you do. Sometimes the spouse continues to be wayward, but they are not only wayward to the BS, but to God.

Your H misses you, so let him have the opportunity to miss you. Plan A when he contacts you, but only contact him for real reasons--kids, finances.

Take good care of yourself and do the things that you know you enjoy, even if you don't feel the enjoyment right now.

As for music Cher & Believe. And Godsmack's first album (with the Voodoo song) for the darker side <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I can vividly remember when leaving it to God's Will was the only thing I could do...

Two recommended books, "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson and "God Will Make A Way" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Cali

Listening to Gospel or Christian music always helped to pick me up. Also God promised that you will only have to suffer a little while.

1 Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: GiveItToGOD ]</small>

DH-

I often tell people what I'm going to tell you. You have to hit rock bottom before real change can happen.

Guess what - There's only one way you can go from rock bottom.

It doesn't get ANY worse than where you're at. Time for your changes. YOu are in mourning at the moment for all you've lost. You are at bottom. Once this period happens, you will feel self empowered for a while. Things will start to turn around for YOU.

Good luck.

Since so many of you replied with songs to listen to, I thought I'd share one of my favorite "pick-myself-up-by-the-boot-straps" song. Christina Aguilara's Fighter

Well, I thought I knew you, thinking that you were true
Guess I coulnd't trust, called your bluff, time is up cuz I've had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride, but your joyride just came down in flames cuz your greed sold you out in shame.
After all of the stealing, cheating, you probably think that I hold resentment for you, but uh uh, oh no, huh you're wrong.
Cuz if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through.
So, I want to say thank you
<chorus>
Cuz it makes me that much stronger,
Makes me work a little bit harder,
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster,
Made my skin a little bit thicker,
Makes me that much smarter,
So thanks for making me a fighter
I never saw it coming all of your backstabbing, just so you could cash in on a good thing before I realized your game. I heard you're going 'round playing the victim now, but don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame cuz you dug your own grave after all of the fights and lies. Cuz you're wanting to haunt me, but that won't work anymore, no more, it's over.
Cuz if it wasn't for all of your torture, I wouldn't know how to be this way now, I never back down. So I want to say thank you. <Chorus>
How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust, so cruel? Could only see the good in you, pretended not to know the truth. You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself through living in denial, but in the end you'll see you won't stop me. I am a fighter baby, I ain't gonna stop, there is no turning back, I've had enough! <chorus>

Boy if only I could say that to him. If only....

Hello DH, As you can see from my signature, I've been around for a long time. I don't have a recovery story to tell as of yet. I honestly wish I did and continue to pray for the miracle. However, I can relate to your pain.

It's heartwrenching and gutwrenching pain. I've been there and back. Still feel it sometimes but time enables the "dealing" part...you start being able to DEAL with the onset of pain. That's the building of inner strength that just HAPPENS, not overnight but over time.

I remember vividly where you're at and can assure you that you become better and stronger as all of the posts tell you.

For me, it took much longer than it should have but I'm much better.

My advice? Listen to MB'ers, vent, come here often...only those who have walked the walk can truly help you.

Stay strong.

My heart goes out to you.

Watch those meds! I know the feeling of panic attacks and they s@ck. Get to a Gym and workout hard that helps big time. Exercise is the best thing for stress. And hang in there it will pass. Remember, no one, and i mean no one is worth your health. God bless and good luck.