well i went ahead and tried some of the things on the list when my wife called on tuesday and then again on wednesday. i also backed out of a birthday dinner for mother in law at there place where wife is staying. said with the other non family members that are going to be there that it would be way to awkward and tense for the two of us. drop our daughter of there wednesday evening and stayed for about 15 min i didnt say too much of anything except small talk with wife and her parents about our daughter. when i left wife followed me out the door and i could tell she was upset by the look on her face but she didnt say anything. i just touched her hand lightly for about 2 seconds and said have a good night and got in my truck to leave. then realize i forgot to give her the drawing out daughter made for her. wife was still standing there watching me so i grab the drawing and took it back to her. again she looked like she wanted to say something or do something other than talk about the drawing. after about 30 seconds i said have a good night again and left. i got home and started talking to a friend of mine on the phone and she called left a message cause i didnt answer. when i got of the phone i called her cause i didnt know she left a message (caller id). she told me about some insurance stuff asked if i was going to pay her car payment this month. which i told her i hadnt planned on it, then she said she would take care of it. (we had 40k in the bank and had already split it and all the other bills) then she asked if i was mad at her i said no. then asked if i hated her i said no. she said you acted P.O. while you where here. i said again im not mad or P.O. and i dont hate you, its just been one of those days daughters been really grumpy and whinny all afternoon and was starting to bug me. then a little more small talk and end of call told her to get some sleep and have a good night. about 3 hours later she called again. that was a major shocker she hasnt called after 8 since she moved out. this was 9:30. she said she was lonely and just want someone to talk too. (hmmm did she finally cut other guy off?) we talked for a few minutes about nothing basically small talk. then she asked about the car thing again. she said if she gave me a check for $300 would i take care of the rest. i said you know i just figured that the car was like everything else we split the money and all the other bills so i just thougt it was something you were going to take care of. if you want me to pay it i will have no problem doing it this time. then she went back to the question of why i was so distant when dropped our daughter off. again i said i'm not mad obviously i'm upset but not mad no P.O.d and i dont hate you i dont think that i could ever hate you. (i am really trying to distance myself some right now because she is taking a trip next week for seven days and i cant handle it. luckly the guy wont be there he has 2500 mile to get to that location and 3000 miles to get here.) after about 10 minutes more of small talk she said i have to go im getting really sad. i said there is no reason to be sad things will work out good what ever direction we go. then she started to cry i could here it in her voice and she said she had to go. i said ok smile big and get some sleep. she said bye while cry fairly obvious now and i said good night and that was it.

well i dont know what to think about all of this but it is very interesting turn from how things were 2 days ago. prior to this we talked in person on monday for about 1 hr and that was a mixed bag of things not a good time at all to many of the bad things but there where some good things that we talked about. didnt talk but for 2 minutes on tuesday when she called to talk to our daughter. not sure what all this means but i feel pretty good. i acctually laughed after the second phone call tonight why i dont know. just wish she wasnt taking that f***ing trip.

i dont know was this an odd reaction or is it normal?

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: jbpal ]</small>

quote:
i dont know was this an odd reaction or is it normal?
_________________________________________________

Very normal reaction. It is very simple. She started to FEEL that maybe you have let go. This is almost always the pattern of when they come back. Go back and read your own thread again. Notice how you were acting as if you would be just perfectly fine no matter what happened. Keep up this pattern. Just be nice, no pursuit (she will pursue you.) and stay away from any talks about the relationship or getting back together.Let her think you are a mature man who can handle whatever life throws you.

j-pal,
for maximum effect you should keep the R talk to an absolute minimum. in fact YOU should never intitiate it...particularly not at this point. and no arguing, disrespectful judgements or demands or requests...ask for nothing, ask about nothing!

your job now is to back off, and while remaining polite and cordial, not be availible to her every whim...and YES! she is suppose to notice!

the thing is though, this is not a short term solution. this is something you can't do for just a day. it's a solution that you have to live and live with for the long term.

what you're doing is presenting your W with another realization of who you are. you're taking away her comfort. all this time she has you figured...what you will do, how you will react, how you feel and now you're taking this area of certainty away from her. instead you're presenting her with a new person.

and who should this new person be? he should be a strong confident man who is showing her, (not telling her...but showing her) that while he is still in love and still wants her, he is capable of living with out her and has already began to prepare himself to do just that! so don't be re-assuring her of anything other than your willingness to work out your mutuale problems.

coach

well now things are really strange. i had to meet my wife this morning to drop of some stuff for our daughter that i forgot yesterday. i went to where she was working with her dad. i gave her the things we talked for a few minutes about the projects she was working on with her dad. and she said she was going to have to go to the doctor. i asked what for? she said her back i asked is it the same spot you hurt a few years ago (while unconciously puting my hand on her back were it was hurt)? she said yes. after i realized my hand was still touching her back i slide it down to here lower back i said i should get going so i can get some work done too. at the same time she was standing beside me and leaned her head over and put it on my shoulder. after her head was there for about 2 seconds i realized this isnt really a good idea and removed my hand from her back. several more seconds and she lifted her head from my shoulder and we looked in to each others eyes. well i looked in to hers could see though her sun glasses but she could see through mine. could tell she wanted to say something or do something but nothing happened. so i said have a good afternoon and dont work too hard. she asked if i was going to call to talk to our daughter tonight. i said yes i will call to talk to her ( meaning our daughter). she said ok.

i was thinking about calling around 4-4:30 with the hopes that my wife might ask me to come to the dinner party. even if she does i still dont know if i will go.

have a great day

JB,

You are doing great. Call your daughter but don't talk to your W. You need to pull back just a bit more.

I had experience with 180 (pre-MB days). I can tell you IT WORKS! When my H though I was doing fine without him, he started pursuing BIG TIME.

If your W is like my H, she will come around. Just don't give in too quickly. Stick to your Plan B for reconciliation. If she tries to reconcile without any changes, you will be right back where you are today.

Good luck and hang tough,

Misty