Dear Friends

It has been a while since I last posted. There was not much to say really as I went through the processes related to divorce, re-mortgaging my house and dealing with the immense piles of paper that seem to come with all those things. At times it would be overwhelming to say the least.

On Monday, my Solicitors applied for the Divorce Absolute. I felt odd. I can't say I felt sad or happy. In recent weeks I have discovered that X has told me so many lies, continues to try and manipulate me that I finally realised (on the 1 year anniversary of d-day), that my M was no longer worth giving consideration to. Don't get me wrong, I have many happy memories, but I also realised that there were so many issues that X refused to address - not least his violence towards me - and that my "dreams" of recovery were just that, and reality was not founded on what my M and my R with X had become. A sham, a shambles. I truly believe I did everything in my power to address my failings, and I know that I searched my soul to the answers of why I choose to have an A rather than to address the sadness in my life and the issues with X - I regret the pain I caused him, and myself, but I don't regret that I am now single.

I realised that every last incident of violence towards me (however intermittent) was never actually the last, and I didn't feel safe and secure in my M. On top of that, some of the lies X told me where huge, and they started from when we first together. I only found out recently from his first W that on the day she gave birth to their second daughter (YSD), X met his first OW. 2 weeks later he walked out for 3 days and then came back for 3 months before leaving again. I thought (even though it is bad enough in itself) that he had left when YSD was 3 months old. I didn't know the first part. Of course, X told me that what he did was different from me - of course it was different - I THINK IT WAS MUCH MUCH WORSE!!!!! X is very hypocritical too. Because it was an EA, he doesn't think it was the same, irrespective of the fact that he actively engaged with someone else the day his W gave birth to his youngest daughter.

So you see, these lies were big, and there are other whoppers too. His manipulation knows no bounds as well. X came to collect his things from the house not long ago. We'd had a long phone conversation too. I thought we were getting somewhere. But as Porche (Neil) told me "You were acting like an adult, he was acting like a rebellious teenager". I asked if he may like to go and see the girls show together (they were in their dance school show). He told me how that wouldn't be appropriate as it was too difficult for him because it had been the day after the show the previous year he had found out about OM and how devastating that was. Actually, he was taking Shiney Head to the show with his Mum and sister. Nothing to do with me, but his manipulation was supreme - make Lisa feel bad about the A and her behaviour, not look at mine. He also admitted to me that he is serious about Shiney Head (in the space of what, 4 months), although he told the girls he isn't. I think lieing comes fairly naturally to him....

I don't feel any anger anymore towards X. I don't dislike him, nor do I love him. I feel indifferent. There have been so many other things that I can't even be bothered to go into, because I am sure those 2 stories are an indication of how I have been able to move forward by myself relatively easily.

The last month has been hard though, as I have dealt with the reams of paperwork and practicalities of getting on with life, work and cash flow issues. On top of that, I am sad to say that OM re-surfaced briefly in my life. This caused me more pain than anything, and I am very very angry with myself that I allowed him to get back in touch (however briefly). I do not need any lectures about what I should have done - hung the phone up, ignored him whatever. What is happening in his life is not my business. Please please, I do not need anyone to tell me how I should have dealt with this. Whilst I have learnt well, I slipped, but believe me I continue to learn.

To put myself back onto an even keel, last week I went to Switzerland for 5 days to stay with my dear friends. You may remember I went in May, and I have to say it soothed my soul and my very being. I love it there so very much and I feel that I belong. I can imagine that one day I may end there permanently.

I'm sorry this is long. I just wanted everyone to know that however hard it is for you now, it really does get better. Things do get easier, and you can recover yourself even if you can't recover your M. I will never justify what I did. I have never justified. Pure and simple I was wrong. I didn't have the guts to face X and tell him I was unhappy. I am deeply sorry for the pain caused, but I believe I am in a better place today without X. I don't think that is sad, I think it is sometimes the harsh reality of life.

Thank you all as always for listening to me.

Lisa

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa, no one is going to chastize you for slipping while in the most turmultous time of your life. I truly believe you would have hung up the phone if there seemed to be even a shred of hope for your marriage. Like you said, you've learned your lessons the way most of us have, the hard way.

Your XH seems to have very serious issues. You did what you could. Take care of yourself and look forward to better days!!

Hi Lisa- glad to hear you are coping ok despite all the mess thrown at you by your X. I should have had the Absolute by now but as my H still hasn't filed all the finacial stuff its on hold. I hate being in limbo but am going to enjoy my weeks holiday and then pursue the matter.

Jante

Hi Lisa,

It has been a while since I last posted. There was not much to say really as I went through the processes related to divorce, re-mortgaging my house and dealing with the immense piles of paper that seem to come with all those things. At times it would be overwhelming to say the least.

Life is not just the things we do. You have feelings too, and we like to know how you feel, because we care. I can agree with you that you don't need to be on every day (perhaps) but if you were here daily, we would be glad to hear from you. You are an interesting person, and we like to know how you are. Don't ever be afraid we will get tired of you.

For all the things you cope with, and all the things you have learned, you seem - what's the right word? You are still looking for the good, and trying to ignore the bad. I think that is a healthy attitude after all your troubles.

................. I truly believe I did everything in my power to address my failings, and I know that I searched my soul to the answers of why I choose to have an A rather than to address the sadness in my life and the issues with X - I regret the pain I caused him, and myself, but I don't regret that I am now single.

Robert Burns wrote a poem that contains these lines:

O would some Power the gift to give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us..........

I think you are getting this, but he is not. I know I have commented on this before, but I want to say it again. I think you still have a hard time understanding how we hold you in such high esteem now( after all your mistakes), but I would like to explain.
It is not the mistakes we make in life that define us, but it is how we deal with them. We respect you because of how you have dealt with yours. We don't hold it against you that you made made mistakes in the first place. That applies to your contact with OM too. I think you will learn from that and that you will improve yourself.

Who among us can say that we have made no mistakes? Which of us can claim perfection?

I read your findings about X. I agree with you about what he has done, and about what he is doing, but I advise you not to worry about him any longer. Your thoughts need to be on your own future.

I don't feel any anger anymore towards X. I don't dislike him, nor do I love him. I feel indifferent. There have been so many other things that I can't even be bothered to go into, because I am sure those 2 stories are an indication of how I have been able to move forward by myself relatively easily.

I am glad you can feel yourself moving forward. I was typing a comment about X, but I took that line out. I am trying to stay positive.

The last month has been hard though, as I have dealt with the reams of paperwork and practicalities of getting on with life, work and cash flow issues. On top of that, I am sad to say that OM re-surfaced briefly in my life. This caused me more pain than anything, and I am very very angry with myself that I allowed him to get back in touch (however briefly). I do not need any lectures about what I should have done - hung the phone up, ignored him whatever. What is happening in his life is not my business. Please please, I do not need anyone to tell me how I should have dealt with this. Whilst I have learnt well, I slipped, but believe me I continue to learn.

I can identify with you on the paperwork, and cash flow problems, and I hope by now you are over these - or that they are somewhat better.
I am tempted to tease you about your asking us to leave you alone. We always say what we think, and you know that.
Instead, I will say that I believe you have already learned what you needed to learn from this. Pain is a great teacher. I wish I could help more with the healing - sorry I cannot.
I don't think we are as angry with you as you are with yourself. Mostly we hurt for you, we hope you are doing better, and we wish for you to be happy.

To put myself back onto an even keel, last week I went to Switzerland for 5 days to stay with my dear friends. You may remember I went in May, and I have to say it soothed my soul and my very being. I love it there so very much and I feel that I belong. I can imagine that one day I may end there permanently.

Very glad you can find some peace, hope you continue to find it. Is it going to Switzerland, or is it is getting away from things that trigger painful memories? I think in time you will be able to find peace no matter where you are. You will learn to create that in your own life.

I'm sorry this is long. I just wanted everyone to know that however hard it is for you now, it really does get better. Things do get easier, and you can recover yourself even if you can't recover your M. I will never justify what I did. I have never justified. Pure and simple I was wrong. I didn't have the guts to face X and tell him I was unhappy. I am deeply sorry for the pain caused, but I believe I am in a better place today without X. I don't think that is sad, I think it is sometimes the harsh reality of life.

Long? For some of us, you left too much out. We try and read between the lines, and get what you sometimes don't say. I think I see a Lisa that is healing, but still hurts sometimes. I don't ever remember reading a post of yours that was too long.

It is hard to type out your feelings, and relate your mistakes to your friends. Remember though, we are your friends, and we care about you. That means listening is a pleasure, not a chore. Your post is not too long.

Thank you all as always for listening to me.

Thank you for sharing with us, I always feel better for reading what you have to say. It is nice to know you, even if only this much. Remember that we still have more faith in you than you do sometimes, and that we believe we have good reasons. Trust us until you figure it out for yourself.

SS

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I'm glad you posted Lisa-it's nice to see how people are doing, and I knew that you would make it no matter what. Some things are never acceptable in a marriage and I think repeated violence is one of them.
This rocky stretch of road is nearing an end for you now, and I wish you well.But I hope you do keep posting because I think you have much to offer others.

Regards
Deluded

Great to hear from you Lisa and I'm glad that your personal recovery is progressing along nicely. Also the insights you've gained are invaluable to newbies who may find themselves in very similar situations as yours.

As far as you X is concerned, one of my favorite quotes comes from cerri (our resident MB coach):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>You can't love that which you fear</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Violence kills not only physically but emotionally as well. Unless your X takes a good look in the mirror, acknowledges that he has a problem, and commits to changing himself for the better, then 'Shiney Head' will be the next 'lucky' girl to be its 'beneficiary' of his violence. Let's hope that he gets his act together and changes for the better, for his sake and those that still care about him.

I don't know Lisa but you and Neil may have the makings of a great couple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa,

It is good to see your post. I know you did your best and you regret what you did. But, it does seem that closure is coming to you and that your life is recovering. I do hope that you continue to drop by and offer advice to those that follow you.

Meanwhile, I wish you the best, and I hope that your exH does finally find peace.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Lisa, it was good to hear from you. You have been through so much. You most certainly come across as someone who truly regrets her actions. But, your H has his own issues to resolve, that he doesn't seem able to. Good for you for moving on, sounding strong and working on your personal recovery.

I pray that you find much happiness and peace on your own! You deserve it!

(In case you're wondering, I am still stuck in limbo with my H, not much has changed. Oddly enough, right now life is really peaceful and pleasant with him away on a vacation, and not in my life.)

Take care Lisa!

Jen

LIL-

Hey, it's good to hear from you and see that you're still battling and getting through this thing...way to go! I can relate to the wide range of emotions so it's good to see you recognize that yes, things can and will get better with time and patience. Good luck to you and yours from the hot, humid and rainy SE US....Our weather this summer has been whacked!

Hi Lisa I am glad you are doing well. the good news is you can feel proud of your efforts to save your marriage.

I think it is clear that your BS/WS couldn't cope with grappling with the vulnerabilities in the marriage that were created by each of you. He couldn't analyze his own behavior, and resolve to change the state of the marriage. He saw the A as something you did to HIM. And his reaction was to try to get vengeance.

In discovering more of his past, you can see that he has had a pattern for a long time of maladaptive behavior. It is for the best that you are free of him and no longer subject to this. But change is painful and challenging- however there are rewards at the end of the road. I wish you the best of luck on your journey Lisa! You sound like you handling things very well!

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. It means a lot to me that you all seem to have more faith in me than I do in myself at times!

Well, I really thought I was doing OK, and yesterday I had an e-mail from X - he has moved in with Shiney Head. It really has knocked me for six. I really truly wouldn't take him back if he knocked on the door now, but perhaps it is part of the post DV stress. I can't believe when he collected his things from me he sat there and told me that there was no way he could ever even consider living with anyone after what I had done to him. How could he ever put his "lot" in with someone else, what would be the point.

I also don't know if you remember but he absolutely denied that he had said anything to YSD about him living with someone else and how would she feel. She was very upset, because as she said to me "Why would I lie, why would I make that up". I believed her then, I believe her now. Because of their extreme reaction to him, he had just put it on hold.

It is yet another piece of supreme manipulation - I believe this had been planned for some time, and if he had admitted this earlier, it would have affected the financial settlement I made to him. As my Solicitor told me "Whilst you cannot take her salary into account, his 'need' will be perceived as lesser by the Court as he has shared outgoings". I think he used me again to his own end.

Espoir - how lovely to hear from you and thank you for your words of encouragement. I think you are right about X's behaviour and how it is only now that I can really see that, but clearly it has gone on for some time even in his first M. You are right too about the journey, and I just hit another bump. I'll keep trying though.

Hey Litchfield. It has been a very hot summer in London!! You know it's funny you say about time and patience - how many times did JL say that to me in the early days! It is still true now. Just because I have the piece of paper to say my M is over, the emotions and feelings don't just go away - it will still take some time.

Oh Jen - I do think of you, and I still lurk and follow how you are doing. Only you can make the decisions you need to though, and your stamina and staying power is fantastic. We both regret our actions, truly truly, but you are right about X not looking at his own issues. I don't think he ever truly will, and come the day when Shiney Head challenges him, that is when the problems for her will begin. Keep your chin up.

Hello JL oh wise one! I don't know if X will find peace, I think he will continue to lurch from one person to another all the while not facing what he did. You are certainly more generous than me, currently I feel that I could hit him about the head with a wet kipper. Recovery is coming. I'm surviving well, but not quite yet thriving. It will come I know.

CM - yes, Shiney Head will be the next one, when she disagrees, or becomes too strong or wants independence or what. But that is their problem, and I fear I can no longer care. That quote from Ceri is a good one. And I think the difficulty I had with intimacy with him was because I was scared, and never truly felt safe. You can't love emotionally or physically when that is the case.

Deluded, how have you been? I truly hope things are going better for you down in Devon. I bet it is beautiful there now in this weather. It's funny, but I really don't think I can help people because I feel that I failed myself, and why would people need advice from a failure. I know I didn't because I do believe it takes two to make or break a M, but again, I guess with time I will feel better about that. Let us know how you are doing sometime if you can.

SS - your words made me cry. You said many interesting and insightful things, and I think I would like to come back later when I have a little more time to address some of them individually. Thank you for your care.

Jante - well, I never thought I'd beat you to the DV finishing line <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Still managing a bit of humour! I know what you mean about limbo, I kept having this sense that everything would change when the DV came, but that is only really a date. It is our state of mind that is more important and how we keep moving on with our lives and individual journies. I hope it all goes OK with you. Is your H still apart from OW?

Hi Hope. I always used to look at your sig line and think maybe that will happen for me, but I honestly think DV at the end of the day was the right thing for me. Yes again, X has his issues. Thank you for understanding about my slip. It has been a very tumultuous time, but I know it will get better.

Thanks everyone again, for your tremendous support and encouragement. I really need it today.

Lisa

LISA-

Please realize that everything he voices to you is coming to you from the FOG. I know that you want to believe the things he mentions, but to do so only knocks you down again.

I hear some sadness in your posts, and I'm not sure if you're at indifferencfe, or if you are in withtdrawal due to so much pain. Don't ruch yourself into a premature healing. It will only cause you pain later on. Feel what you feel and acknowledge that you are deeply hurting.

I'm glad to have heard your update. I pray for you and you (S)daughters.

As far as OM is concerned, you are human and you will make mistakes. Truthfully, we trust that you will do what is right for you. We will pass no judgement on you either. It's what you DO with what you've learned that makes the difference....

Best to you

Hi Kily

Thanks so much for your support. I am not a religious person, but it actually comforted me to know that you would be praying for me and the girls.

It's funny but because he never admits that he was involved with Shiney Head before, I sometimes forget that she is OW, and of course, his actions are fog based. I also think they are still manipulative. Even YSD said that she thought his R had been going on for some time before he left home "Not when you were involved with OM, but when he was home". She is 14 years old.

You are right, I do sometimes still get sad. Whenever he contacts me, he usually manages to set me off. Although I am not sure if it is sadness or hurt. He has always known which of my buttons to push. He had absolutely no reason to send the message that he did on that day. I believe he saw me collecting money at one of the major stations in London on Friday (for my fundraising for my bike trip and which he travels through daily), and I think it made him angry and hence the e-mail on Friday. It would have reminded him that I met OM on the bike trip, and so he wants to hurt me back. He had no reason to send the mail. The info in it wasn't necessary.

I have decided that I will contact my Solicitor on Monday to see if there is anything that can be done about the money situation, and take his advice. If he says no, so be it. If he says yes, then I will review it with the Solicitor.

In the main, I truly do feel indifferent to the situation, but I guess he still has the power to hurt, and I need to move away from that. I'm sure I would still have the power to hurt him, but of course, I don't want to do that.

Kily, I want you to know that even though I haven't been posting much, I always follow what is happening in your life and think about you often. You, me, Jen, H_P, Hope - all people to have learnt from our mistakes, all trying to do our best. I know you and Hope understand about my slip and I also appreciate your support.

SS - I said I wanted to come back when I had more time to respond in more depth to your post.

I am always amazed by the support and confidence people have in me here, but particularly you. You said to trust you until I find it out for myself. It is funny, but I have so much support in the real world as well as the virtual world. One thing X said to me is that he was surprised how few people "leapt" to his defence and support after the A. He expected people to be in touch with him. But even friends of mine whose spouses had A's have been so wonderful to me, because I think they know how much I regret my actions. They see perhaps someone who became very lost and scared. Someone who didn't have the guts to face up to a difficult, demanding and angry spouse. Someone who, at the time, "thought" it was easier to run into a fantasy world.

It angers me here at MB when there are debates about "No excuses for A's", "The WS is always a liar, and of weak character" type issues. I never get involved in those threads, because I fear that I will loose my temper. You cannot categorise who people are by the title of WS or BS or anything else. I equally agree that you can never justify an A, but there are plenty of issues around why WS become just that. Do you know, I don't even like to think of myself anymore as a FWS? I am just Lisa who was M'd to X, and made a huge mistake which she tried very hard to rectify and understand why she had done what she had. No more than I really think of X now as BS/WS or Shiney Head as OW. We are all just indivduals that are not perfect (you are right there) and we all falter at times along the way.

Even with this latest set back, I do still feel I am inching forward. I do still feel I am growing and learning. It is funny that you ask about my feelings and perhaps what I don't say. Well, I can tell you that at times I have felt overwhelmed with the difficulties of being single - the money issues reached a terrible point. I was very overdrawn, and even though X did not contribute when he was in Germany, he was still there. All of a sudden, I was truly alone. I didn't know if I would be able to manage. Yes, the cash flow problems are better now, and work is constant for the next few months, but I felt scared. Scared that I will never meet anyone else, scared that even though I am strong and independent, I now have to "cope" by myself, scared of the person who I became for a time, and that part of her is still there (remember, I allowed myself to be in touch with OM and still have very strong feelings for him).

I think Switzerland is a very special place. I understand your question about finding peace. Sometimes I think that after all my efforts to secure my home, I should perhaps move from here. Memories and such. But I have my cats and lots of friends around here. Switzerland is magical though. The scenery is stunning, and it is a place of peace. My friends there feel it too. Both arrived in Switzerland during difficult times in their lives and both healed by being there. There may be job opportunities for me in the New Year and I will certainly consider these if they come up. I think that in the main I do feel more peaceful. I think it is when X re-enters my life for whatever reason that I get angry, hurt or upset. As I said earlier in this post, he still knows how to push my buttons. I find peace by doing certain things - exercise, bike riding, spending time with my friends and family, talking to the girls, and being reminded how much I mean to them - not all in my M was bad - I do feel I have the girls <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is another worry of mine that X will try and turn the girls against me and replace Shiney Head into a happy family unit. They do not want this now, but I wonder if with time they will have little option. I wonder if this is part of X's master plan too, and it upsets me to think that he will turn them against me and they will become their step-mother not me. I also wonder what else he can do to hurt me. My friend today said "Lisa, there is little more he can do, except marry her and have their own child". I guestimate that will be within the year.......

Thank you SS for your care and support. I hope this has answered some of your questions, and it has helped to explain a little more.

Lisa

I'm glad you came back to update us Lisa. I've been thinking of you; fondly as usual. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The true healing road is a long one. But you're doing all that you can. What does it matter if you take a lot of pitstops along the way? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You're still on the recovery road, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I too, have many up and down days. The down days are fewer and farther inbetween... but they can still hit hard.

Contact (visual contact in my case) with my H gets to me a lot. No contact is what helps me to move on with my life more easily.

As far as your exH (I can't wait to call mine the same! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) emailing you... can you block his address from your primary email server, so that you don't have to hear from him? That was so spiteful of him to message you with such information. As you said, he's pushing your buttons. You have the ability to cut the power source... why not give it a try?

Please keep us posted. I know I always like to hear from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

p.s. Check out GQII next week sometime, when I can FINALLY post an update.... it'll knock your socks off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (or not. LOL ).

Lisa, your XH is still running from all the pain of everything. It is no surprise he moved in with Shiney Head (what a name! Is she bald or something?!?!) The pain of the divorce, on top of not dealing with the pain of the A, has to be monumental for him. Not that I'm saying to pity him...but it does make sense if you see if from his skewed viewpoint. He can't take being with you, and he certainly can't take being alone...so that leaves her. And she won't be able to fix him either...and that will be apparent fairly soon.

I've seen it firsthand with a couple out here. He left her...insisted there was noone else..chalked it up to a midlife (which it probly is/was!) and divorced her. Didn't even wait a year before he had the OW on his arm. They were supposedly engaged last year...but soon afterwords he fell off the wagon (he WAS a recovered alcoholic). Sounds like he was really happy, huh? He's recovered again, hopefully...but reality has to be hitting home. He divorced his wife because he thought he'd escape his pain with this other woman, and it didn't work.

Anyway, keep your head up. Don't take his actions personally. He's lost...it has nothing to do with you. Do what you can to keep landing on your feet. Take care!!

Hi LISA!!!
It was great to find your thread today. I've been busy lately and haven't been around so much.

I am glad to see you're moving along, and discovering new things at each bend in the road.

You, Jen, Kily, and I (and others) are all part of the former female WS's who've learned more than we ever thought we could, and who've done everything we can--it seems--to make up for our mistakes.

YOu said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It angers me here at MB when there are debates about "No excuses for A's", "The WS is always a liar, and of weak character" type issues. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with your feeling, but I guess I view it as the BS's right in a way. This is a place for them to vent, and I try not to take it personally.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. It was so nice to read how you're doing. The future lies before you, and I know that your life is and will continue to be a good one! Sorry I can't be profound, Lisa.

Take care, and God bless,
HP

Hi Lisa,

Just back from holidays - and I thought Spain was hot!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I think Switzerland is a very special place. I understand your question about finding peace. Sometimes I think that after all my efforts to secure my home, I should perhaps move from here. Memories and such. But I have my cats and lots of friends around here. Switzerland is magical though. The scenery is stunning, and it is a place of peace. My friends there feel it too. Both arrived in Switzerland during difficult times in their lives and both healed by being there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chuckle. I went the other way!

N

Hi All

And thanks again for your support and thumbs up. It really made me feel better to hear from so many people who wondered how I'd been doing.

Nick, I can't imagine your choice for hot sticky London, when you could go for the beautiful Swiss Alpine air!!! How are you doing? Let us know that all is going OK for you.

H_P you are very kind. I don't need any profound words just knowing that you and so many others are thinking of me and wishing me well on my way helps. I caught up on your thread too and will post there, but I see some good baby steps!!

I guess sometimes the "perceived" attack hurts, because people like us truly have learnt our lessons, although somewhat the hard way. Few of us can claim to have never made a mistake in our lives, but as SS always says, it is how you learn and move forward. I guess too, with me being a BS as well (and I truly believe his R with Shiney Head was going on for quite some time prior to him leaving home) I don't question in quite the same way. You are right though that it isn't a personal thing!!

Hope, thanks for your thoughts. Shiney Head is a pun on her name which is an Irish one. Nuff said, but it makes me feel better to call her that rather than by her real name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sometimes, I doubt the pain X claimed to have had and I know I shouldn't. But he never tried to address anything with me, and the indecent speed of his new R makes me thing that our 12 years together meant nothing to him. He didn't want photos or anything from the home, and it feels like he is just trying to rid himself of me and our life together. Even though I have admitted to things on here that I didn't in the early days about his behaviour, I still have many great memories and happy times shared with him. Why replace me so quickly? Funny thing is, whilst I really thought at first his R with her would fail, I now believe that he will marry her and have a child within about a year. Watch this space....... Anyway, thanks again for your support.

Hey Karen, how are you? I will wait for your update, though I doubt anything your H does would surprise me!!! Thank you for your warm wishes and thoughts. I know I always say it, but it means so much to me that I have so many virtual friends at the MB community and that people think of me and care what I am doing.

You are right about the road to recovery. I am very very firmly on it, and yes this is a pitstop. The good days now far outweigh the bad, and I continue to learn by all my dealings with X. Nothing he does anymore can surprise me, as I say I reckon M No.3 and child No.3 fairly quickly. I predicted to him at Christmas that he would become involved with Shiney Head and develop an R with her. Huuum, I'm doing my witchy thing again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is a thought about blocking his e-mail as that is his preferred option of communication. I'm not sure really if there are any other things that need sorting out, but I think in the future once I am sure everything is arranged I will do that. Thanks for the tip.

So today, I spoke to my Solicitor. He told me that X moving in with her is "Non disclosure of material fact" and could affect the financial settlement I have offered. He told me however that if it went to Court it could potentially cost both of us £5,000 each. However, I am certain that X would not have the money to get involved or indeed the wherewithal. My Solicitor has told me that there is no guarantee that we would have reached a different settlement, but of course, my negotiations would have started at a much lower figure. I think perhaps I could have saved at least £5,000 which is a lot of money.

My Solicitor can write to X to tell him that it is non disclosure of material fact, and the implications. I then of course, don't need to take it any further. I really feel conned and cheated, and for those of you who know me, you also know that financially I have always supported X over the past 12 years. It angers me that he again gets the last laugh.

My gut feeling is to get the Solicitor to write. I want X to know that I know, not that he has got away with it again. But I don't think it is worth going to court. As my Solicitor said, we are very very close to finalising everything. However, as I say, I don't think X would want to go to court or indeed could. If we could re-negotiate outside of that though, I feel it would be fair and proper.

Your opinions on this one would be appreciated. Honestly, this is about the fact that I don't think I should have to give him as much money, but it is also about yet another supreme lie he told me and getting one up on me yet again.....

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess sometimes the "perceived" attack hurts, because people like us truly have learnt our lessons, although somewhat the hard way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa I think you hit the nail right on the head with the word 'perceived'. I say this because a few FWS newbies also 'perceive' the attacks on their comments as a personal attack on them, and it's sad because they seem to miss the value of the advice they are getting from people who have been where they and their BS are at the moment.

While there is a small group of BS's here that do tend to still treat FWS as liars and cheaters, you've been a witness that the vast majority of us BS's beleive otherwise and have supported FWS like yourself, Jen Brown, Sincere1, etc. and it truly saddens me that good people like yourself and the ones I mentioned were not able to save their marriages despite all their hard efforts to make amends.

But as a survivor of the divorce wars, I know that you will have a much better life and most likely meet someone worthy of you.

Thanks CM - I think sometimes I really just don't like all these "labels". Am I a FWS, or until last week still a BS whose X now moved in with OW? As I say, I know that I made a huge mistake, but it doesn't mean I am of lesser moral character or fiber than my X or the next person.

You are right too about the support here from so many people, and at the end of the day, that is why we ALL come here - to try and save our Ms. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Any thoughts on the money thing?