OW was there last night. H did not see her or talk to her. He overheard some of his co-workers talking about her, that she was there.
Toay is her birthady.
I'm fairly certain she will be there again tonight. H informed me that he is staying late, after his coworkers go home. This makes me extremely uneasy, because it sets up the same situation in which he had his A.
There will be no sleep for me tonight.
Toomuchcoffeeman- I did a no contact statement or sorts. Because of the nature of my work, where I work, there is going to be contact for the rest of the month of August, then it should be very rare, as he will be moving to a different shift.
I can definitely see why no contact is the best way, though.
This may be fog talking- I don't know, but it is the truth. My involement with OM lasted little more than 1 (one) week, and was really pretty shallow. It felt really good to be wanted, to feel sexy at 31 after 2 kids. So it was little more than just sex. Last year about this time, when my H was still in love with him ow, he was tired of how devistated I was, and all the questions, mistrust, etc. I tried to get him to understand by saying "put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel it I had been unfaithful?" To which he said "It wouldn't bother me. I would never react the way you do, and I would never want to know any details about it. But it erally wouldn't bother me. "
Those words cut me deep. To think thathe didn't care enough about me to be hurt by infidelity. Those words have gone through my mind at least once a day for the last year. It left me feeling pertty worthless in his eyes. And when it came right down to decision time with OM, those words that my H spoke were the last thing to go through my mind before I had sex with OM. He said he wouldn't care.
That's what our so-called recovery has been based on. That he wouldn't care. No, I never brought the subject up again in the last year. Why put myself through more of that? Did his actions suggest different? Not really. He was here. I felt tolerated, not loved. If you call that improvement......I don't.
Anyhow, after H found out about OM, I told him that I rationalized my bad decision on his words, and I reminded him of what he said. He remembered saying that. Then went on to say that he still wasn't thinking straight, and that he would be hurt very deeply if I ever did what I did. So why couldn't he have said that a long time ago???
Really bad communication here. He said a lot of really hurtful things he's never taken back. How am I suppose to know what he meant and what he didn't mean? Ask? No, because he has said on numerous occassions that he does not want to discuss his A anymore. The A and anything related to it.
Anyway, OM, H and I all work at the same place. Most everybody knows what happend because H told 2 people, and it just went from there. So there's lots of accountability partners, wanted or not. We have all agreed that professional contact, for now, is inevitable, and we will handle contact that way. Professionally. And at the end of the month, that will be even less. I don't really have feelings for OM. Never really did. Just liked feeling wanted. It's been a long time since I felt that. Is that bad or what? Bad, I know.
