I seem to be on the fast track of Harley's principles. I was just told by my H that he wanted a divorce on July 27th - two days later, found out he's having an affair with a married woman. Exposed A to everyone the following day. Spoke with H of OW four days ago. I've been plan Aing my butt off for the past week and a half or so. Wednesday night, WS moved out - spending 2.5 hours verbally abusing me while packing.

He called today, he wanted to meet me to "discuss the details of our divorce" - I realized it was time for Plan B. I emailed him a PBL. I know he received it - because he replied.

This is really scary. I asked him not to contact me, so he emails me. What part of No Contact did he not understand?

I have a few questions:
1) I don't have caller id on my landline. If he should call me, what do I do? Hang up?

2) I asked him not to come to my home. What do I do if he shows up? or if I see him hanging out in the neighborhood, across the street, etc.?

3) I don't plan on becoming a recluse. What do I do if I see him in public? Run away?

This feels scarier than anything I've done so far. I'm not sure what to expect. Can anyone give me some advice? This feels so hopeless...I'm hanging onto the little bit of hope I have left.

1) If you don't have caller ID, see if you can get it. IF you can't afford it, do you have an answering machine? If so, let the machine screen your calls. If he emails you, don't reply. If he wants a divorce, let him do the work.

2) If he still has a key to the house, change the locks. If you feel you are threatened by him, get a restraining order. If you come home from work and he's there waiting, tell him you will call the police because he has moved out and is now trespassing. Of course, do this only after asking if he is still w/ OW. If he says yes,
tell him no contact means no contact. If he wants a divorce, let him do the work.

3) If you see him in public, don't acknowledge him. Just treat him like any other stranger and don't give him the time of day. If he harasses you, walk away. If he persists, tell him in a loud voice "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Again, if he wants a divorce, let him do the work.

Did your Plan B letter specifically tell him that as long as he was with OW not to contact you in any way? Have you consulted w/ a divorce lawyer in your state to see what your rights are? Do you have children? If so, you will need to do all you can to protect them and make sure your H is providing support. If you have joint accounts, it's time to set up some of your own and get removed from the joint accounts so your credit does not get jeopardized.

When you get frustrated, post here.....it's better than doing something that could lead to LB's and be counterproductive. Take care of you!

This is his email to me in response to PBL:

Lulu,
I will not stop seeing OW. She is my future and I intend to devote the rest of my life to her.

I will correspond with your father on serious matters.

I have already put a forwarding address at the Post Office.

Have a good life.

WS

Is this a normal reaction? This hurts. This hurts worse than anything.

I realize that WS is living on fantasy island, with no forwarding address or answering service. I just hope that he comes home...and forgets to bring me a souvenir.

JobieMom,

I can't let the answering machine screen calls. I am job hunting right now and need to be able to take calls from headhunters and interviewers. Is there a polite way to hang up on him and not engage?

I live in an apartment, and I've already discussed having the locks changed with the landlord.

Good idea on the public thing. I can do that.

Yes, my PBL specifically addressed not contacting me in any way. Yes, I've sought legal advice. No, I don't have children. How can I have my name removed from the joint checking account? I already have my own checking account and credit card.

LULU, I know what you are going through. It has been almost 9 months since I was where you are at now, but the pain of absoute rejection and his showing no remorse for what he has done is still unbearable. I know how hard recovery must be after an affair but I do so envy those whose spouse woke up after DDay. Mine didn't and still hasn't.

As to your question about getting your name off bank accounts and credit cards. All you have to do is go to your bank and tell them you want your name removed. If he is the primary account holder that will do it. If you are the primary account holder then tell them you want it closed.

As for credit cards: If you are just an authorized user on the account, just tell them you want your name removed. Being an authorized user does not make you responsible for the debt owed. If you are joint on the account you can still ask to have your name removed, but you would still be responsible for any debt owed on the account up to the time your name was taken off. If yours is the primary name on the account, then just tell them you want his name removed from the account.

It is a pain but can be done fairly easy.

Good luck to you.

Lulu,

Star*fish asked some of us Plan B'ers to come over and talk to you. I just spent an hour reading your thread on JFO. Yes indeed, you've been on a fast track, and I am very sorry.

There are a lot of us here in Plan B - see the thread "Plan B Support...Help Us and Help Each Other". Please come on over and chat with us there, if you would like.

Plan B is very painful, but from what I have read on your other thread, you are much better off in Plan B than dealing constantly with hearing your H say those hurtful things over and over. It is really better to be isolated from that pain.

I hope you are successful in finding a job soon. A new job will give you focus and help keep your mind off - to some degree - the pain of the separation.

I hope that the separation will help your H find a place where the fog will totally clear and he realizes how important you have been in his life. From what I read on this forum, that will not happen quickly. My H was gone, in Plan B, for just 6 weeks, believed he was ready to end the A and came home. Mailed the NC letter, and almost immediately I sensed a diminishing of his resolve to repair the marriage. Six weeks later I arrived home from work on day to discover a note from him. He had moved out again. Now the A is raging at a very breakneck speed. They are head over heels in love and he has created a new secret life to keep me from knowing, even a new email account.

Keep your chin up, Sweetie, and keep posting here. It's the best therapy I've found! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lulu

I realize this is very painful...

seek serenity and peace

Never ever stay again subject yourself to his or anyone elses verbal abuse...remain calm and in control and leave....

I will not stop seeing OW. She is my future and I intend to devote the rest of my life to her.

Beleive NOTHING he says...nothing..nadda..zip...
straight from the WS hand book is his garbage......

His anger and abuse...typical...
how else can he justify his cruel behavior BUT by blaming you...
right now he is sooo lost...
do not attempt to engage or even address his irrationalness....

You don't have to discuss anything about a divorce...if you do not want divorce...avoid and babble back...

he calls be pleasant...say...rats I can not talk right now...I am really busy...bye...

record calls if they become excessively abusive...

do not do one ounce of his dirty work....
not one thing he requests...
do all you can and must to protect your self and finances....

Play in to his chaos and it feed his feelings of self rightousness...

remove yourself as much as you can...
no defending yourself on contacting the OP's spouse...you did the right thing...if he doesn't like the walls of his fantasy closing in on him...to bad..booo hooo...

gather a few close friends with whom you can unload and vent...

I would go dark for a while...lay low...and realize with any compassion you may be able to find for him..that it may not be time for plan B...
plan b works best after a good strong plan a...
so while i am not telling you to contact him or encourage any contact right now...I am saying to leave the door open...he will calm down...and he's gonna hit new lows like he never knew existed...people this angry don't like themselves...

crisis and chaos is an exhausting way to live..
and he will burn out soon...
the less you are in the picture right now to feed into being the bad guy...the more strength you will gain...

his two year tantrum antics are not the actions of some one in control and in true belief of what they are doing is the right thing...

so protect yourself...but leave yourself open to forgiving him way down the road...
not now...do not get me wrong I am not encouraging you to talk with him..i am encouraging you to realize this one ain't over by a long shot....

don't go belly up and give in to his antics and threats...

change locks....be brave

most affairs die out on there own with the BS doing not a thing...and he is tail spinning and knee jerking himself...

Their relationship is bought a cost of high pain and deceipt...and people that have really thought this through and really believe that they are meant to be together...do not go ballistic and crazy to justify their togetherness...they take an even scarier well thought out plan...of we neve meant to hurt you or anyone else...with chilling "clarity" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and victim status....

be strong..
be safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seek good friends...
take care of you...
ARK

LuLu you have been given excellent advice by the other members. If you follow it, you will start gaining emotional strength that will help you conquer your fear no matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be. You can do it.

I have call waiting. The best plan is when he calls say "I'm on the other line long distance, gotta go." For some reason, it is easier for me to cut off phone calls that way.

You can screen phone calls during a job hunt. If your answering machine has a professional message, professional people will be happy to leave a message. You can be right there to pick up the phone when they do.

I think it is fine to acknowledge your H in public -- a nod, a wave from a distance. As you would a neighbor you didn't know very well.

LuLu,
How's it going?
Plan B is definately tough stuff. I hate it, but realize it's the only way to go.
Coming here for support has really helped. I read and get a lot of advice from other threads besides my own. We are all in the same boat, and most circumstances are eerily similar.
Your WH is definately talking FOG, I've heard it all from my WH also. He has said such cruel and angry things, such that I NEVER heard from him before D-day. He is definately an alien.
I just hope and pray that someday we see the men we fell in love with and get a chance to rebuild.
But if not, we need to get as strong as we can, so that we are ready for life without them and ready to embrace all the wonderful things still out there for us.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I guess I'm a real 'take the bull by the horns' kind of girl because I spent my first Saturday alone having fun.

I spent the day with a close girlfriend of mine. It feels so strange, because I feel like I'm getting reconnected to parts of myself gone missing for years...

I ended up at a dinner party - people I didn't know, but quickly became friends with. It turns out a few of the women there were going through similar ordeals with their Hs. We had a vent fest which felt really good. One lady seems pretty well connected. We exchanged phone numbers and she told me about a position at her company I'd be perfect for.

I have an interview Monday morning.

I feel like I'm getting myself back on track and it feels good. My only real fear right now is running into him or someone he knows/is friends with. He threatened to come after me (whatever that means) if he ever found me near his friends. He told me, after I exposed his A to everyone, that several people were approaching him and telling him that they thought there was something wrong with me. That they never liked me. That they think I'm crazy. He kept telling me that I look really bad for exposing him. He didn't name names - but I'm wary of running into anyone he knows.

I can do PB with little to no problems. It is scary, but I have lived alone before...and at this time of tragedy in my life, it's pretty nice to have my own space.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That they think I'm crazy. He kept telling me that I look really bad for exposing him. He didn't name names - but I'm wary of running into anyone he knows.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is either typical WS wishful thinking or a very SAD statement about the caliber of his friends. Imagine the kind of person who would think it is somehow worse to expose bad behavior than engage in it? That is just a leeeeeetle warped!

I am so sorry you in this position, Lulu, but you sound like a wonderful strong woman who is determined to SURVIVE!! I so admire that and am impressed that you are overcoming your very traumatized emotions and still managing to do positive things. It would be so easy to just collapse into the pain and sorrow but you are not allowing that to happen.

I, too, took a lot of hits for exposing the A. Lots of people thought I was crazy too, that I didn't really love him, otherwise I wouldn't be saying those nasty things, etc., etc., etc.

Talk to those people as if nothing happened. Be social, lively, fun. I figure this will add to my credibility in times ahead. People will NOT be able to dismiss me as a crazy. And H & OW are going to start looking a little funny eventually. In fact, they already do.

Also, I think OW expected me to crawl into a hole and die. H too. I think they're a little thrown by the fact that I didn't disappear. They have to deal with me in public, and OW in particular doesn't seem very secure with this. She's always eavesdropping on my conversations, etc. Let her.