My H came over early this morning to pick up my S to take him to work with him. Before I knew what was happening, my H was in my bed naked and the natural course of events followed. I felt nothing during or afterward. Just kinda empty. I guess it's because I feel that it isn't an act of love anymore, but just an act of sex for him. I did a little shopping and laundry and my H called to say that he dropped my S off at my house. When I got home, he called me. I had left a note in his mailbox telling him that I needed to talk to him. So, I asked him how long he expected this A to last. He said he didn't know. I said it's killing the love I have for him and it wasn't fair what he is doing to me. That I am his wife and I should be his priority. He got mad and said just like he was my priority when I left him. He began yelling and got mad and said that he didn't want to fight with me. He said everytime I bring it up it makes him want me less. I said I am not fighting, and that I didn't think that my asking for a time frame was out of the question. He kept trying to blame me for what he is doing, but then said "I am doing what I want to do." I said that I am not to blame for his A and it is his choice now to continue it. I told him that I have acknowledged my part in our separation, but that I am sorry. He knows I want to get back together. I've told him I was wrong for leaving him. I told him that he is risking losing me forever by continuing his A. (A threat? I'm not so sure anymore.) The whole time I was talking calmly and confidently, not yelling and screaming like he was doing. I told him that I didn't want him to call me and that I don't want to see him until the A is over. That I love him and I will miss him, but that it is just too painful. He said well, you'll see me when I pick up our S. I said, no, when you call, he'll answer the phone. You can pick him up and drop him off without seeing me. The whole time he just kept yelling FINE! FINE! Before we hung up, I said I love you, and I want our marriage to work. He couldn't even say he loved me back.

So, now I am going to write the official NC letter and mail it to him certified mail. But guys, I really feel this is the end of my marriage. I know my H. He is a stubborn man. I don't think he will come back. I don't think he will try to work it out. And I don't think he will ever end his A. I just can't believe that he is willing to throw away 13 years and everything we've been through, and all the love we have for each other for this OW. But I guess, for my own sanity, and my own health, and my own heart, I have to do this. I have to sever the ties. And if he doesn't come back to me, then I'll know he never really loved me in the first place. And that thought hurts me so much. That hurts as much as knowing he would rather be with her than me right now.

Ok, so now the healing begins. Now the mourning of my marriage begins. Oh, and by the way, he yelled at me again to get the papers. I again told him no. That if he wants the divorce, he will have to file, not me.

I also found out about at least 4 other women that he's cheated on me with in our marriage, that's not including the one I knew about 11 years ago, or the one he's having now. So, minimum of 6 so far. And probably more that I don't know of.

I have a question for you all. I really am considering confronting the OW. I think she should 1. know what he's been telling me. and 2. I think she should know about his previous affairs, and 3. there is one woman still in his life (supposedly my friend) who is one of the 6 that he still sees often (supposedly as friends.)
Do you think I should confront her?

One more thing. Please remember me in your prayers. I truly think my marriage is over and I need the strength to go on now for me and my S.

DH,
I can see where you initially had problems with Plan A. You said you would do Plan A. You have not.

I hope to God he used protection...as little protection as that actually is, useless against Herpes, HPV, I'm sure I don't need to continue.

I had STDs from H's A. Don't bother scolding me for bringing it up, I would be a negligent MB oldtimer not to.

I'd STILL say Plan A. You didn't do one. Plan B doesn't work as well without a 6 month Plan A.

Plan B if you want to. It is another choice.

I don't know, he's cheated on you this much...is there a marriage to be saved, in your opinion--which is what counts to me--that is worth having?

Given what you say, the OW will suffer...you don't have to contact her and sully yourself.

You are what you can certainly salvage. You can also protect your son.

I have only the info you post.

What do you want for your future, and what kind of support would you like?

Lor ~

Not sure how to do Plan A without all the fights. We always start out our day nice to each other and then when it comes time for him to leave me to be with her, or for my phone calls to him to stop because she is around, that's when I lose it. And no matter how much I try, I can't keep my mouth shut. Like the other day when he said they were taking her youngest D to the movies. I said, "Oh, how cozy, you and your new family are going to the movies. Funny how you never did that with your old family." It just makes me so angry that he's allowed to rub it in my face and I am not "allowed" to say anything. But just sit and smile and be nice and sweet. What is that? I feel like it's telling him that he CAN have his cake and eat it too, that I will just sit here and wait and enable him to have every need fulfilled. That to me just seems so unfair. So, I really don't think I can do Plan A effectively for 6 months (oh my God, I can't imagine even waiting that long.)

As far as protected sex, no it's not been protected. I went to my MD yesterday and had all kinds of cultures done. Couldn't do a pap, because I apparently still have my menses (13 days now)...which I didn't realize...I just thought I had an infection. But there will be no more sex between us while he is with her.

Is there a marriage to be saved? Hmmmm. I am not so sure anymore. I don't really have proof of the 4 A's I mentioned, and of course he denies them, but in light of the first and now this one, I don't believe a word he says. I do know that I love my husband with all my heart. I do know that I don't want to lose him. Is it worth saving because I love him? I don't know. I am sure I can find someone else to love. But I also know that I will never give all of myself to another person like I have to him. He doesn't seem to think it's worth saving. But he also says he doesn't want a divorce unless it's in anger. And then usually the next day, he acts as if everything is normal again.

Right now, I think Plan B is the best choice. My love for him is being destroyed everday that he yells and screams at me. Those are the reasons I left in the first place. I didn't leave because of the A. I left because we had no respect left for each other. I left because all we did when we were together was fight. I left because our priorities changed, and we were both so terribly miserable that I couldn't see a happy ending. I truly thought leaving him would make me happy. It hasn't. It's even more pain than I was in before I left. At least he was still there. We were still together. If only I knew about MB before I left....

How do you think the OW will suffer? That he will end up doing to her what he's done to me? I think that too. I just wish I knew why I wasn't good enough for him. Why his love for me wasn't enough to satisfy him. I just don't understand how he can say he loves me and hurt me this bad. If this is my payback for leaving him, I have paid 1000 times over.

One more piece of info. I make a lot more money than my H does. I was the primary breadwinner. He does work, but what he makes cannot keep up our house without my income there. I am afraid that if he does want to reconcile, that it will be based on financial need and not love. And the OW doesn't come close to my salary either, and has been living with various family members for the last 3 years because she cannot support herself and her D's. Even if you put their incomes together they couldn't do it. Eventually, things are going to get shut off at my old house, (We rented) and he is gonna get evicted. Not really my problem, since he has had plenty of chances to take me back and won't. But how will I know if his need for me is legit or not?

This just plain sucks. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 10, 2003, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

DH,
Is your son his son? I think the hardest part of Plan B is arranging visitation so that conversation/contact is limited/doesn't happen.

Do you have a plan in place for visitation, if that's needed?

And, I would suggest that you let the natural consequences of the finances play out. They can't pay the rent...oh well. I don't think you have to support that household.

If your H wants to reconcile at some point, then you can determine if finances are the reason. I don't think you have to worry about that right now. Finances would be among the subjects the 2 of you would have discuss, along with anger management, counseling, no contact with the OW, his changing his behavior so there aren't new OWs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said, "Oh, how cozy, you and your new family are going to the movies. Funny how you never did that with your old family." It just makes me so angry that he's allowed to rub it in my face and I am not "allowed" to say anything. But just sit and smile and be nice and sweet </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since this is the truth, I don't see this as an actual Lovebuster. Tone could make it disrespectful or angry, but just said...you can say the truth. He may receive truth as a lovebuster, but it isn't actually an LB.

Ok, our S is really his nephew. His sister's son. We don't have any children of our own. My H can't have any children. We took in his nephew 9 years ago, when he was 4. His sister was, and still is, on drugs. Anyway, we have raised him as if he was our own, and we call him our S. Only I have legal guadianship of him because my H never went with for any lawyer meetings and court hearings, so only my name went on the papers. So, legally, he doesn't have any rights to him. But my S is his blood, and they love each other, and I won't keep them from each other. Also, just an FYI, my S has Cystic Fibrosis. He is very healthy and doing well. But it has been a challenge to keep him that way. And that is another area that my H never really got involved in. We go to Chicago every 3 months for check ups, and in the 9 years that we've had him, my H has never gone to 1 appointment with us. The only time he ever went up there was when my S was hospitalized for 10 days.

I just have a sinking feeling in my heart. I really feel that this is the end of my marriage. Is that normal for Plan B'ers to feel that way?

Bumping this thread