Gentlemen, we have a discussion ongoing about impotence. Very open and respectable.
While I'm well aware many may shy away from the subject, if you do or ever have experienced a problem, or fear maybe in future, come read and add whatever you can to the topic.
We'd really appreciate any and all input from your experience or prospectives. Thank you. Respectuflly, LouLou

LouLou,
I will say a prayer that men do come to this thread and be open and honest w/ the subject. The silly commercials on the TV don't really do enough justice tot he subject of impotency. I personally want/need to her real stories from real men about the causes, both physical, chemical and emotional. I personally applaud any and all men who do post here.

Thank you LouLou,
xo
2nd

Same with me 2ndfiddle. I believe it takes a very real man to be open and discuss this issue with us.
Intelligent and caring men at that!
It is more prevalent than talked about so it's time it was open to share all the coping issues and meds, etc.
I still love my H regardless, makes him no less important to me. NO different than if he had another illness in health. I would still stand by him and love him the same.
I do miss the intimacy we once had, though we do still have a fun sex life and fulfilling.
But as we all know who deal with this problem, it's the emotional closeness we once had and want to have again.
Yet, no matter what, it's him I want. No Other man can fulfill the real need because it's not just sex, it's the love and closeness we share.
Fighting the feeling of being the one who is the problem is real for me and I'm sure many women.
Though all the test, doctors and counselors try to reassure us it's not us.
It's a real emotional issue as a wife to feel you can no longer turn your H on. Wondering if OW can. Hating the thought as well.
That is one reason I appreciate these men, Monty, Bryanp, that have come to discuss this with us as well as the other ladies who have written.
There is no way I would seek that outside my marriage. I'm his, always will be and we're together through all the thick and thin.
I hope this may reassure some men they are still loved by their wives no matter.
Intercourse to me, has a far more profound meaning that sexual only. It's a bonding of us, a closeness and emotional good feeling of being wanted and desired, and being capable of pleasing my H.
LouLou

Like practically all men, I too have had sporadic bouts with ED but my wife and I have come with our solution and it is to take not make intercourse the 'be all end all' of our lovemaking. We find that having oral sex not only makes sex more enjoyable for her but it greatly assists us later when we try to have intercourse. In fact without the lubrication caused by her orgasms from oral sex, intercourse definitely is not an enjoyable experience for the two of us because of the pain for her which makes my erection disappear (what loving husband wants to physically hurt hiw wife?). What we like about intercourse is not the physical pleasure our genitals derive from it (which really pales in comparison with oral sex) but the emotional pleasure of physical union of our bodies which becomes symbolic of our marriage and love for one another.

It is the difference between "making love" and just "sex". It is amazing how many poeple do not realize this or understand this.

I realize that what i am about to write is concidered an LB, but it is pertainent to this thread. Please forgive me dear H of mine.

One of the greatest lessons I learned about the difference between "making love" and "sex" was w/ a man who had an honest to goodness physical reason for his ED. He had had a major back injury and the ensuing syrgery to ease the pain and correct the problem left him w/ nerve damage. Yet, our "love making" was the most amazing I have ever experienced. We were both very happy w/ what we shared. He did not use any medical help to overcome his ED. He paid attention to my wants and needs, and i paid attention to his. Sex involved our whole bodies and minds. There were many sexaul encounters that did not involve intercourse. We were very much intune w/one another. Making love was definately a life style w/ us. It did not happen just between the sheets. It involved our every interaction w/ one another.

This is a memory that is in the past and that is where it will stay. I am grateful for the lesson. My H does not realize that I am making love to him everyday and every moment.

The point? ED does not have to stop the SF in a marriage. It is not an easy habit to learn, making love all day long w/ you mind, your heart, your soul, w/o ever having to touch your partner. What happens between the sheets is fosting on the cake.

Thank you TMCM,
As always, your replies are well recieved and insightful.

xo
2nd

2ndfiddle

I couldn't agree with you more about your definitions between 'making love' and 'having sex'. Too bad that many people, especially young husbands, do not see the truth in it for they are enslaved to a limited way of thinking and deny themselves the other joys of love.

I would love to open my dear H's eyes to making love. At this point, he defencively keeps his eyes closed.

I can not help but wonder if more people understood the difference between "making love" and "just plain sex",whether or not there would be fewer infidelities and broken marriages.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can not help but wonder if more people understood the difference between "making love" and "just plain sex",whether or not there would be fewer infidelities and broken marriages.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive that people that do understand the difference between the two tend to have healthier marriages that are less likely to suffer from infidelity. They also tend to manage their conflicts well and not allow their conflicts to manage them, which keeps SF in their marriages healthy.

Think there could be a thread devoted to this subject, TMCM?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

there are so many issues that can effect the male libido. i have had my problems in the past...but for me they were allways pyscological.

when i caught my wife and the OM; i literally did catch them together...and it was not a pretty site!...i was literally emascilated. the pain and humiliatiuon was beyond anything i had ever experienced, including kidney stones! i simply wanted to die on the spot!

i'm fortunate enough to not have these problems any longer but i'm always afraid they'll return. always!

i can only tell you that it's a conditiont that creates totall havoc in one's mind. not being able to preform when desired is so dipilitating. a man's whole self image is often tied to this area of compitance. especially when you feel that you're in compition with some one else for the love of your W!

for me it took time, love and understanding...and lots of therapy. and it worked itself out in the end...but pressure to solve the problem is a no, no. pressure only exaserbates the condition and makes it worse.

the good thing is that today there are medical solutions the problem. what wouldn't i have given for a little blue pill back in those terrible times.

and of course when my W finally understood what she had done to me, to us...she was beside herself...especially in that her affair was really not about sex in the first place...she claims! she also claims that she always found me to be the sexiest man in the world! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but boy for a while there i was not to sure!

sorry...wish i could be more help.

coach

TMCM, there is possibly a reason your wife is experiencing this problem of dryness? What age? lack of hormones are a big cause and there is simple help for her so she has no pain and easier for you also.
I gave a number for Women's international Pharmacy on other topic on this.
A lot of women will not take or cannot tolerate the premarin and provera given by all GYNS or docs.
When I started through menopause I tried them and had bad side effects. 80% of women who do take them go off due to problems.
I found this great med compounded especially for women and requires a doctors RX. They will send a info packett free of charge for asking with tons of info on the meds and studies done.
They do for men too and other health issues. Greatest thing ever come my way in pharmacies!
They compound a pill I take twice a day. It works great so I have none of symptoms of menopause or the atrophy women do encounter without replacement. In fact, she can become totally incapable of intercourse if she's not taking something for hormonal replacement if needed!
They also will send a list of doctors for area who are familar with their compounds and how to write the RX. Also, they will allow her own doc to call in for info on how to write it as well. Wonderful Techs and Pharmacist there.
Fortunately, the OW to my H had a bad problem so they weren't capable of anything as too much pain for her! Guess you know that makes me feel somewhat better? LOL
Anyhow, is you wife at the age to be periomenopause or post?
Here is the number, Just call and ask for info packett mailed to you free of charge on their hormones.
1-800-279-5708
I wouldn't switch my meds for all the tea in china. My doc recently ask me about the reports on the hormones usually prescribed for women and what I take. Told him forget it, I'm not quitting as i've been on for about 8 or 9 yrs. They recommend after 5 you go off. But that is the other meds, not the one I'm on. See, My GYN moved so this guy is new and I had to educate him on my meds. LOL
After education, he agreed with me 100%! In fact, the group has a lady in charge of much and she ask me about it so she can do a class for all the doctors! Sheesh, I should work for this company, I've probably sent them over 100 new clients that are thrilled to have found out about it.
Ok, I'm rambling on.
Thanks to all here for your shared stories.
And 2ndfiddle, I am in total agreement. Sex and love making are totally two opposite animals!
Even though my H and OW supposedly could not intercourse and I know there is much to making love besides it, I'm still hoping in my dreams it was not even close to love making.
Hands, mouth, no matter. The connection could not have been there as they only saw each other two trips. 3 days first time, 7 days second.
I feel what we have is a closer bond built over the 29 yrs then it had been. Now 31.
I believe there surely were sexual feelings, but the actual experience had to leave something lacking.
Of course, My H says no oral for him with her. In fact, he gasped when I ask and yelled loudly, "God NO"! That he would do that only with me. But then how do you believe them after all that occurred?
Thanks all for sharing. LOuLOu

P.S. there is also a Hormonal vaginal cream for those who are not quite into menopause and do not want to take pills yet. Any doctor can prescribe it!
My advice? Start the pills at first sign of change. It prevents much damage from occuring before it's too late!
The Oral Micronized Hormones give much better, safer heart, bone and overall health protection as well! Even for the mental capabilities!
There is simply rot for those who think herbs will solve their problems as it progresses. Won't work! Might help stop hot flashes, get you through the worst to start, but the internal damage is going to progress without replacement! These are the most natural I've found compounded from products by UpJohn!
The can mail to you to any state! Or out of country! Try picking up books by Gail Sheehey at library. One I learned this from is titled " Silent Passage" but she has newer books out now!
I hope no one is offended by such open discussion, but my intent it for all of us to have the best info we can find from each others experiences!This is our life,health and happiness we're discussing!
LouLou

My wife is 41 and the vaginal dryness is not a huge problem yet for her (I asked her) but I also can see the value of your information and have printed it to share it with my wife. The reason why I brought it up was because many of us men tend to have intercourse with our wives when they are not sufficiently lubricated and aroused, and I'm embarrased to say that I was one of those men when we first started having sex (maybe it was all those years of my lack of practice) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> BUT I know better now and now our love making is truly a beautiful experience. Thank you LouLou for sharing the valuable info with me and my wife.

TMCM, I am reminded of cooking when I read your post. I learned early on in my kitchen that when cooking, slow is always better! Keep the heat on low to medium. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Not making fun, because I think it's a compliment a H gets so excited and wife so desirable he is in a hurry!
But the lady has to be primed. Once turned on, watch out! LOL
You are a very considerate H to your wife, as we can read.
I can truly say My H always made certain I had several O's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> before he begins. When younger, it didn't take too long either. LOL But we're still going, just cooking takes a lot longer!
While I truly understand the problem of ED for a man being very discouraging, it also makes me, and I'm sure many wives, feel it's our fault. Too familar or not as desirable. That is one thing I've fought very hard over with my mind, counselor and doctor.
It's a very tenuous position that wives have to be careful of. I've always asked my H what would you like different, what can I do? But I'm learning that is not good with his problem because he feels more guilt I think. Puts him in a more performance anxiety mode perhaps.
We want to please our H's! I just use my imagination and every now in then throw in a something he's not expecting.
Somehow, this forum gives a much safer place to discuss and get feedback from the opposite sex.
Helping each of us to gain info to utilize in our own marriages.
I have visited another forum online and it's the most disrespectful, vulgar place one could be!
Thank Goodness for MB!And all the ladies and gentlemen here!
LouLou
P.S. TMCM, and others, my niece is just 42 and she is already experienceing the beginning of change. In reading lately, I'm learning some women can start the beginnings of menopause in 30's!
There is a simple blood test for ladies called FSH. She can ask her doctor for it. This stands for Follicle Stimulating Hormones.Once these start to lower, it can have an adverse effect on her health and sex life. Sneaking up on us is how it works.The hormone fairy or thief! Dang sneaky thief. LOL
Will show if a lady is already experiencing lower hormone levels!

Many of us men beleive in the nonsense that we tell each other about a "'real man' is always ready for sex with a woman" and when we have trouble with our erections, instead of confiding in the women who love and care for us that they are NOT the cause of our ED, we withdraw and only make matters worse by fueling feelings of attraction inadequacy in them. If there is one thing I learned about marital problems is that withdrawing from them is poison to the marriage. It's sad that we and our wives have to go thru hell before we learn this valuable lesson <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Many of us men beleive in the nonsense that we tell each other about a "'real man' is always ready for sex with a woman" and when we have trouble with our erections, instead of confiding in the women who love and care for us that they are NOT the cause of our ED, we withdraw and only make matters worse by fueling feelings of attraction inadequacy in them. If there is one thing I learned about marital problems is that withdrawing from them is poison to the marriage. It's sad that we and our wives have to go thru hell before we learn this valuable lesson <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Many of us men beleive in the nonsense that we tell each other about a "'real man' is always ready for sex with a woman" and when we have trouble with our erections, instead of confiding in the women who love and care for us that they are NOT the cause of our ED, we withdraw and only make matters worse by fueling feelings of attraction inadequacy in them. If there is one thing I learned about marital problems is that withdrawing from them is poison to the marriage. It's sad that we and our wives have to go thru hell before we learn this valuable lesson <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, you right! It sounds like you were describing me to a "T". I can't tell you how much misery I have brought on both my wife and I because of doing just that. She is in someone elses arms now. I hope not forever.

I think most of the men here so far are BH's.
Are there any UH? If so, and you have had ED problems, did you find being with OW made it work more efficiently?
That is the one thing that pressed on my mine with H's A.
I even told him if new woman returned all his functions, and he would be happier, then I'd let him go! That was back right after DDay to be clear here.
LouLou

My wife and I have talked about this same subject lately. Not becuase of trouble getting it up but trouble getting it to stay up the second or third time. Anyone know if the little blue pill would help get us some more mileage out of our love making?