Hello,
I'm Rob 37, been w/wife-Sharon-37yr old- for 8 years, married 4yrs,my 2nd mrg, Sharons 3rd mrg, 4 kids,1 boy-18yrs old- from her 1st-
1 girl 11yrs old from her 2nd and 2 little girls -4yrs & 2yrs- old we had together.

Yes a Blended Family,huh???

Brief Picture..
Had some rough times, alway complained i didn't help her enough through her pregnecy w/our 1st daughter, she wound up in a coma due to ARDS for 6 weeks, took baby at 7months while in the coma, beautiful little ,smart,4-yr old girl now..

Doc said she couldnt have anymore ,but had another girl, Alivia 2yr-old..

So latly I was laid-off work..I recently got a good paying job..Thought money would be the magic bullet, Not So..

We'd argue over our step-son,and our step-daughter and shed basicly come down on me for trying to use constructive critisim on him..
The girls father has been in our lives since day 1..But in a different kind of way..He has not gone on with his life for the past 8 years.

He has dated a few times since divorce of my wife, but has told his daughter that he doesn'.t want any other women taking away from her"his 11yr-old daughter"...He sort of has a obsession with her due to the fact that "I beleive" it's his closest connection to my wife..He uses fear and guilt to control his daughter, she's in counseling for this now, and my wife is trying to get his vistion monitered and himcounceling through the court, But untill the court decides he still get his regular 2 weekends a month..

He has told her that I am the cause of there Divorce, and through telling her things as such he has convenced her as well, So I'm am the villian..After my wife had our 2nd child, he really turned up the heat, his daughter feel less important, due to the fact of 2 new sibblings, he is a sick man, a excellent Deciver,AND Liar..

So she played on the part of us arguing and asked my wife why they have to live here, can't they all"but me" move to grandmas???

pryor to asking this she would disrupt my wife and I at any given time,and play like she was sick,make-up excuses,etc..she's in counseling now too..

She got very arrogent and asked my wife why she don't just get a divorce..

Most guy's have another Man to deal with, i have a X-husband who's going through his little girl to distory our family & marriage..

My issue now is;;;

Wife left Jun 23-2003 went to Mothers house, took kids, need time and space to heal for my mean comments and my disrespectful words i spoke to her, Which i really still don't get it..
anyhow, she had been telling me that she was geting close to the end, and that I needed to stop talking to her so ingorntly..I'd still ask her what she ment..and she'd never really say.

So now her Father has hada apendix burst,he 82yrs-old and her Mom is 72yrs-old,not in good health, So she now has shifted the time to heal, to taking care of her Father, so our Marriage is put on hold,so to speak..

She is not in real great health herself and has lost alot of weight,and seems to be running herself into the ground..Her Mom watches the Kids while she watches and manages her Father, and says, I'm OK to take care of myself, and that her Fatherneeds her now..

I've asked about us, she gets defencive and states that she hasn't had time to even begin to think about it..

So I let some weeks pass, still let my pay check go into the joint account, she pay her bills and i pay mine, but she has controll of the checkbook
but I can transfer money from our joint into my checking, so that's working OK, so far..

I get my little 4-yr old on weekends, but not my 2-yr old, she doesn't feel safe doing that..

So I see her when I drop off my 4yr-old at her Mothers house..Her Mother does't allow me in the home, She's mad too...

we went to a amusment park this weekend with our 4yr-old and had a great time..We held hands felt close and didn't argue about anything for 10 hours, I treated her like Gold,I did amit to her that everything was my fault due to my ingorance of what it Totaly ment to be a Husband & Father,with all the areas we were have problems at, I just buried my head in the sand, that was my fault,that just let issues get worse..She did't respond much to that..

I told myself if she sends her 11yr-old to school out at her Mothers, that ment she wasn't comming home, well she's sending her to school out there..

In this setting is it right for her to disengauge from repairing our Marriage due to her Fathers health????

We are in Counseling, I go 1 to 2 times a week
she has been skipping, but normaly goes 1 a week
we have not been doing sessions together, but are now working into that..

Sorry about the jummping around in this post, it's my ADD coming out..

Thanks for any suggestions
RF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: blessed37 ]</small>

<<<<<<<<<<<<BUMP>>>>>>>>

If you want to have a chance to stay married, I highly recommend you do some reading. First, read Love Busters. It is one of the links on Dr. Harley's "Basic Concepts" page. Then, read through the Basic Concepts from beginning to end, making sure you re-read the LoveBusters section. It should make even more sense the second time. Then, read "If only He Knew", by Gary Smalley.

Reading all these things may make you feel a little like it's all your fault. It's not. She has her own issues. But you can only fix your side of things. Do that. She may come around or she may not. Let her know you will fight for her and your family. Then do it

BTW - The amusement park thing was great. Have fun together whenever possible. She will associate you and fun. This is good.

One more thing: given her attachment to/involvement with her ex, you should probably add "Survivng an Affair" to your reading list. It will help you focus your efforts.

thanks Brother,

Its coming up on 2mths the 23rd..
About an attachment to her ex, it's him that's still hooked on her..He uses his daughter to intervein into our home..

I had the kids this weekend both the 4yr & 2yr old..It was different w/the 2yr old, but I was glad they were both with me..

I had a event last week with coming over to her mom's to fix her moms PC..
She was sick and was laying down in the room the PC was in. So she left the front door unlocked and after work 1:00am, I arrived..
I had not slept since Monday and this was Friday morning, she didn't even seem to care about the sleep depervation issue, I've had them in the past, but this was due to my mind racing with too many thoughts about the current issue..

Anyhow I didn't want to turn on any lights in the room,other than the TV, so I used a Bic lighter when I needed light.

Durning times of waiting for the PC to install software, I'd hold her hand while she slept, i rained tears on her pillow, "I wish that would stop", but she slept quitly, You know, I think she knew I was experencing an emotional moment, but she's not to respondsive to any matter of the sort from me right now.
I had to go back over there Friday night to finish up, and she was in a different bedroom next to the previous one. I walked in and the lights were all off and i seen a little glow in her hand, it was her cell phone,after I asked her what's that? She said she was checking the time..OK.

Later I seen a red led clock on the TV top..So I asked her if she'd taken out her contacts, "thinking maybe she couldn't see the other clock,"it's the bedroom her 18yr-son sleeps in, but he was staying at my house that night..
So my mind started rollin again, She's got something going on..I even made up some excuse to need her cell phone and she refused, i let it go..

I know she's made comments about "hiding things"-ex:1st-time was she was going through the mail while her mom was waiting in the car, and i told her to forget about that for now and get her mom to her Dr. appt., She replied "what, are trying to hide something?" I though Wow, where did that come from.2nd-time-Was during her decision to go to Six-Flags, i asked if she was going aroundmid-week, and she said, "If you want to take someone else,go-ahead,another out-of-the-blue,comment..

Last Counselor appt. went good, my coun. stood up for me and mention what a improvement i had made.She wants to set a date of Nov-2003, to either get back again or go on.Since it's been 2mths already I feel 90 days would b good, I want to be semi-balanced before the holidys..

Our Counselor has a non-legal seperation ageement she ask us to fill-out, it irons out all the little isuuse that can cause argurments and such. 2 of the lines states weather or not you will date others and the other is if you want to be able to have sexual-contact with others while seperated, Wow,sounds kinda loaded to me..

My wife has reason to have done what she did, i wasn't being right when I despertaly need to be.

But this is not a typical seperation, due to the issue that if the father passes on she will be staying there at her moms to help her mom out..

so even if we work it out,it seems she won't be coming back to my house..

how do you know if a women is buying time to hook-on to another man for security, so at that time she can cut you lose?

i told her i love her and the kids, no "I love you" from her yet, no kisses, light hugs.I just don't know where her heads at, and it a sore topic to bring up, she gets defencive..at times it seems if i'm being tested on my ability to deal with this, and my sincerty over all of the promises i made..

I told her i felt asif i were in a limbo state, and she started barking, so I changed the topic.

Time can be rude..

Thanks
rf