Many of you have followed my thread. EX-W had 2 year A, spewed fog, acted like a jerk, lied then eventually divorced me 5-03.

Well now, after I let all of the resentment cool down and was just plain being nice, things change...but just a little.

Invitations to dinner, coming over and hanging out...even help when I was very ill the other day.

The one thing that is going thru my mind is "Rly...would this be like the 1000th reconsiliation in the past 12 months."--Here we are one year later...many false recoveries, a divorce, her going back to her maiden name and we are still dancing the same dance. Albeit one that appears on the surface to have a hint of sincerity.

It is almost as if she has too much catching up to do. Telling me to be patient, telling me lets take it one day at a time etc...reeks of the other shoe about to drop.

I want so much to say these things, but I know that will ruin it? But we are divorced? What do I have to lose? I feel like screaming either lets heal, or please have the kindness to leave me alone.

All of my freinds and family think I should have my skull examined for even considering this. But I do love her (I think)

The vacilation is very painful, and I had been out of the pain for several months and was feeling good while still hoping for the best. Now I am knee deep in the emotions and I get 1-2 days of WOW how cool this is sincere. Then I get 1-2 days of status divorce quo.

I can't help but see my kids faces light up when their Mom & Dad sit next to each other on the couch and that of course sucks me further in this mess.

She keeps hurling all of my shortcomings at me some are very true and some sound like FOG...but at least she is talking. But what hurts is, she has this attitude that she was this princess prior to her A. She still chooses her freinds over spending time with me, she still chooses her hobbies instead of spending time with me, she is still ambigous concerning "our future" one minute its talk of what she wants in our new house, the next minute its like I will cease to exist in her future.

Is there a way to politely say !@#$ or get of the pot? Plan B isn't an option anymore, I will be freinds with her for my children.

Your many responses would be very welcome

Thanks a million

Rly

rlyhurting
i know EXACTLY how you feel! my d was finall last week 8,5. to me that means its over but h seems to b needing me more than ever? i dont get it?
i dont have no magic advice, i wish i did. i just decided if he wants to b friends i can do that, because he is still my best friend,and i just decided to move on, unless and until he decides he wants to come home, but even then i dont think i want him back anymore, he would have to do a whole lot to prove himself to me again.
i made up my mind i wasnt going to let him hurt me anymore. anyway god bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Malswife-

Thanks for responding, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am glad you are strong enough to guard yourself. I really wish I was. I am keeping my distance as best as I can.

I guess I'll let time tell. Whats the rush?

Hi all-

Again EX-W invites affection (just affection) and I try and be kind and spontaneously affectionatte
and it feels like she just shuts me down.

To me it feels like she enjoys rejecting me. Maybe she is just scared, hell I don't know.

She rubs my chest, tells me I smell good and I go to hug and kiss her and surprise her with her favorite cup of coffee this morning and POW--Rejection and not even a thank you.

What the heck am I doing. Maybe my friends are right, I need my skull examined

Rly, it sounds to me like she's still cake eating. You are setting yourself up for more failure. Be strong and kick her to the curb. She needs to feel CONSEQUENCES for her actions. That means you need to start acting divorced! If you're even remotely interested in being married to her, then she's got to learn that marriage has rules and boundries. Initiating a strict NC would be the most loving thing you could do for yourself and her. Not to mention that your kids don't need to see you accepting the role of doormat. I think it's important for them to learn that people deserve to be treated with more respect and can stand up for themselves and set boundries when they are not.

Rly,
I'm sorry for your confusion in light of all this stuff recently.

I agree with Hope4future, it is a big of cake eating. The fact that you said she enjoys rejecting you, it seems, is upsetting to me. I don't mean to sound brusk or rude, but she does sound like a 'tease' and also she's still confused.

You know, Rly, I am still in love with my exH a YEAR after divorce. I've been trying to work it out with him since Spring of 2001, although I admit I was still involved with ExOM until July 2002. I will wait a long, long time. I certainly wouldn't choose my hobbies or friends over him.

It's taken three years since separation until just this week for my exH to even sit here in this house and have a meal with us. I think you need to be a bit more aloof with this woman, so she can feel some consequences.

I view an affair in some ways like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I've heard experts say that you should consider 'taking back' an alcoholic or addict if they've been sober for at least a year. How long has your wife been without the OM? She needs to go through some tough times alone before, in my opinion, she's worthy of your love. I'm afraid to go to near my exH, as I'm terrified of his rejection.

I do know how you feel , and how much you want your family back. I think you yourself can sense whether or not she's sincere or just playing games.

I wish I could be of more help, but I really can't.

God bless,
HP

Rly,
I'm sorry for your confusion in light of all this stuff recently.

I agree with Hope4future, it is a big of cake eating. The fact that you said she enjoys rejecting you, it seems, is upsetting to me. I don't mean to sound brusk or rude, but she does sound like a 'tease' and also she's still confused.

You know, Rly, I am still in love with my exH a YEAR after divorce. I've been trying to work it out with him since Spring of 2001, although I admit I was still involved with ExOM until July 2002. I will wait a long, long time. I certainly wouldn't choose my hobbies or friends over him.

It's taken three years since separation until just this week for my exH to even sit here in this house and have a meal with us. I think you need to be a bit more aloof with this woman, so she can feel some consequences.

I view an affair in some ways like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I've heard experts say that you should consider 'taking back' an alcoholic or addict if they've been sober for at least a year. How long has your wife been without the OM? She needs to go through some tough times alone before, in my opinion, she's worthy of your love. I'm afraid to go to near my exH, as I'm terrified of his rejection.

I do know how you feel , and how much you want your family back. I think you yourself can sense whether or not she's sincere or just playing games.

I wish I could be of more help, but I really can't.

God bless,
HP

Date other women ... just for fun.

Not for a sexual relationship.

Just fun. You could use some no-strings-attached FUN.

Date other women JUST for fun.

You may gain perspective and useful insiights as well by dating other women just for fun ....

but

DO IT with the intention of HAVING some FREAKING F*U*N <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Relax your position concerning your XW .... let go and it may return in your favor, and may not.

Pep

I agree with the ladies opinions. It seems that in her mind she still beleives that you are her backup in case things don't go her way as far as her relationships with other men. She gives you crumbs of affection with the intent to keep you interested enough to not go out and get involved with other women BUT she is NOT willing or interested in rebuilding the marriage she destroyed.

It's one thing to maintain a civil relationship with her because of the kids (I should know) but it is totally quite another to willingly allow her to manipulate your feelings. Unless you enjoy being a masochist, I would recommend that you tell her to please keep her hands and flattering comments to herself.

As Pepperband said 'You need to date other women just for fun' to make you realize that your ex-WW is NOT the only woman on Earth.

It sounds like your wife is still unsure of what she wants. She's still in the fog.

If she hasn't made her own changes in herself that you need then move on.

There is no reason why you can't start dating now and then with other woman.

I think what your seeing relates directly to something I read in a book about infidelity. The statistic was "80% of people who divorce as the result of an affair regret doing so"

Actually, I have NC (plan C) and it helps me tremendously. TMCM & Paperband are right on the money (always), if I have to remarriage I won't take my ExW ... I see many better suitor plus the hurt is a mile deep and we are a mile apart. Most of remmariage between Exs are not working unless the past problem are addressed. The moment the honeymoon period passes, you will see why you have to get Dv in the first place.

-rh-

WOW Thank you all so much for responding. I can't tell you how much that meant.

You are all right! But the questions still flash in front of me

Is she being sincere or manipulative
Is she using me as a last resort if her dating life isn't so hot or is she really just wanting to take it slow because of not being 100% comfortable
Is she being honest when she says the A was stupid and wrong or is she saying that because she knows thats what I want to hear.

I am fairly vulnerable because once again I was an idiot and showed her my hand (my feelings)

I know I have probably asked this a ZILLION times here, but how in the heck are you supposed to know if WS's are being sincere?

If I earmark everything as insinsire, then any effort on her part is wasted. If I think everything is sincre, then I am being foolish.

Truly a rock & a hard place

Thanks again, and welcome any wise answers to my dilema.

Rly

With all due respect rlyhurtin, but you are in a fog of your own. You want so desperately to beleive she is sincere about wanting to make things up with you when all her actions have proved otherwise. I hope I'm dead wrong about this but I'm afraid that you are letting yourself get set up for another emotional big fall.

TMCM-

Yes indeed, I feel like I am in a fog. BUT the question is "what if"

Like I said...If I assume any effort is insinsire, that wouldn't be right and if I assume every effort is sincere, I am a fool.

What things should a WS be doing (ASSUMING EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT) that would indicate sincereity? Cartwheels? Letters? SF? Just saying sorry? Coming over from time to time?

What?

TMCM, you are truly a voice of reason on this thread and I look for your opinions on everyones story's and you are so right its scary, but seems do seem a bit too "black & white"

Too make a long story short...you are right, but then again ...."What If"

Rly

"What if" blue monkeys fly outta my butt?

Date other women Rly. It's time.

Don't be scared.

Think about yourself taking a brave step and dating other women.

Your X wifes sincerity is NOT your issue. Drop it.

With love, and a gentle slap to your head with the 2X4 .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

Hey Pep-

Thanks for the gentle 2x4. But what in tarnation do you mean my EX-W's sincerity is not my issue.

Sure seems like it is?

Time to date? HMMMMM? Why do you say that. I don't feel ready.

I am quite confused with what you are all saying even though you may very well be right on the mark

I just wish I could your opinion on my original question

What should they be doing?

Hey Pep, should I beleive her if she pulls a blue monkey out of her butt?

That was a good one...made me smile!

Ok you want to find the final answer to 'What if'?

Ask her to:

1. Commit to counseling with a pro-marriage saving professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy (our resident coach Cerri, and founder of Save Your Marriage Central ).

2. Commit to strictly follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

If she follows thru and matches her words with actions following the above pre-conditions, then you can start the process of marital recovery. But if she waffles or flat out dismisses them, then you can rest assured that she is not sincere.

But the real question is are you up to the challenge?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rlyhurtin:
<strong>Time to date? HMMMMM? Why do you say that. I don't feel ready.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why ?. You are legally free, I don't know about you emotionally. I went out as soon as my status changed to Dv, not for serious R but for "legal fun" companionship. I need a companion to go to movies, play, concert and dining ... many would enlists since s3x is not part of the deal at all. It helps me a lot to confirm that I could if I would ... I am just waiting for financial settlement outcome next month then I know I have no baggage to start a new R. Go to a date but take it easy ; just freindship for now and not comitted R.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">qb]s there a way to politely say !@#$ or get of the pot? Plan B isn't an option anymore, I will be freinds with her for my children.
[/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you could. Set boundry and tell her it is about you not her,you need to move on with your life ... I would put NC in place, unless about your kids.

-rh-

Rly ....

Dating other women FOR FUN will have some benefits which may include:

1. lightening your mood
2. give you much needed perspective
3. might make your XW curious
4. improve your immune system
5. motivate your XW if she perceives you to be moving on
6. blue monkeys might fly outta HER butt
7. increase your desirability
8. increase your hair growth
9. whiten your teeth
10. inspire you to become a tango dancer

Are you allergic to FUN? Whadd'ya mean you're "not ready"? I said FUN .... aren't you more than ready for FUN?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Rly,

Ok, let me quote you and then ask a few questions.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She keeps hurling all of my shortcomings at me some are very true and some sound like FOG...but at least she is talking. But what hurts is, she has this attitude that she was this princess prior to her A. She still chooses her freinds over spending time with me, she still chooses her hobbies instead of spending time with me, she is still ambigous concerning "our future" one minute its talk of what she wants in our new house, the next minute its like I will cease to exist in her future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you date a woman that treated you like that?

I dated ALOT of women before marrying and I would NOT tolerate that behavior, and surely not from a W, which your exW is NOT.

Further, if you are going to play this game set some boundaries. Such as
"I will NOT be demeaned."
"I will be respected."
"I will not tolerate being ignored."

If she will not or doesn't meet those conditions, leave the location and go elsewhere.

Rly, you need to define your PERSONAL boundaries and tell her what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to them.

You should listen to the ladies and date. Pepper and others are right. You need to date to realize that most people DO NOT treat each other as your exW treats you, and you should accept no less.

My bet is that one of two things are going to happen if you set your boundaries and leave if she violates them. One, she will stop violating them. OR Two, YOU WILL KNOW THAT SHE IS JUST KEEPING YOU AROUND TO PROVE SHE STILL HAS POWER OVER YOU.

Both answers are good, and will tell you exactly what you should be doing. The reason YOU are confused about her, is that you have a very shadowy view of how she should treat you. Firm it up, set boundaries, stick to those boundaries, and you will get much more concrete feedback from her.

You will know what to do.

God Bless,

JL