I have been dating a girl for almost a year. She has 2 kids (2 and 4), I do not have any. She has been married, I have not. I am trying to get to know her, but it seems her kids always get in the way in one way or another. We can and do go on dates, but getting and paying for a baby sitter is starting to get on my nerves. THe more serious we get, the more demanding that she becomes on me financially supporting her and the kids. SHe has since quit her job and is a stay at home mom. I do want a family, but I also want to be loved for me. SHe has said a million times to me that the kids cannot take care of themselves and that she has to do it. I feel as though I am just a pay check. She is first in my book, but I am 3rd in hers.
She says that I have assumed the financial responsibility because I discipline the kids. I discipline because I do not want them to get hurt and there needs to be some structure in their lives. Before me, kids ate when they wanted, went to bed when they wanted, and took food in their rooms. I made the kids go to bed early for 2 reason. 1. Because they needed to be in bed and not stay up till midnight and 2. Because they did stay up till midnight and we never got to spend time with each other without the kids.
She says I am not compassionate because I do not understand because I do not have kids of my own. I just think there are somethings that our parants did for us, that worked and we want to incorporate it in our families.
Finially, we just finihsed a hugh fight. SHe had the oldest kid call me on the phone and tell me that she was mad at me. I do not know if I can develope a relationship with children who are not going to repspect me and I do not know if I could raise them as my own. Also, the kids father has died so the kids do not have a dad other then me.

Thanks
Martin

You live with this "girl" and her kids?

Pep

No, I have my own place and she has hers. I pay the bills on both places. I stay over there a lot though. But again. I buy everything for food to electricity. SHe wanted to be a stay at home mom and when she lost her job, she did not go get another one.

And why are you doing this?

Pep

Martin, I don't understand exactly what you are asking, but I will give my opinion of the situation. The purpose of dating is to determine if a person is a good match. It is a testing period.

It sounds like the test has failed, given that you do not enjoy being around her children, are not ready to take on parental responsibilities, and resent paying her bills. Frankly, I am shocked that you are paying the bills of your girlfriend and think its highly inappropriate. It sounds to me like she is just looking for a sugar daddy and found one with you.

Its also highly disturbing that she would enlist a FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD to try and manipulate you in that phone call. That is scandalous. She does not sound like marriage material at all, but a very troubled opportunist.

Believe me, if things are this bad while you are still dating, they will be 10X worse when you are married. Except then, you will be LEGALLY OBLIGATED and it will cost you THOUSANDS to get out.

If it were me, I would run for my life.

Have to agree with Melody on this one, Martin. This does not sound like the kind of relationship that would develop into a good M. And I hate to be rude and crude but, whatever you do, do not get this woman pregnant. Be smart, be careful.

I started doing this around Christmas. SHe had lost her job and had the two little girls. As part of goingout, we went Chrsitmas shopping from my family. I felt guilty about getting these present for my family and She made a few comments about how bad the girls Christmas was going to be. I really just thought this was a nice thing to do since GOd had blessed me so much.

Well, next thing I know, I am over her house and she is upset because the girls are not in a pagent. Next thing I know I am buying pagent dresses. Next thing I know I am paying for B day parties, and being their dad. I like (LOVE) being their dad and the expenses are a shock to me. I love the girls and still want to help them have a great life and a few of lifes little extras, but I guess I want to do it at my pace, not their mothers.

There are things their mother did not have and wants the best for her kids, which is great and fine. But, I am the one who is holding the ticket for everything. If we were to get married, what kind of spending pattern would she have? The girls love is genuine and I love them for that. I just really do not know about their mothers though. Like I said, we never have been able to date because there are responsibilities with the girls. I donot know how to make this relationship healthy or if that is even possible.

Martin,

From what I read in your first posting, I believe she may not be right for you. It sounds like you've got the makings of being a good dad (better that she sounds as a mum), but if you get commited to this relationship I can almost guarantee that she will constantly throw it back in your face that you can't do this, or shouldn't do that because you're not their real dad. She will over-rule you whenever she wants because you're not their "real" parent.

It is natural that you will be a lower priority than the kids, because they are the vulnerable ones and need looking after. But then it sounds like you're better geared up for this than her, because she's ready to use them in her relationships (i.e. getting them to call you). It's also a bad sign she's so ready to use you for your wallet as opposed to having enough self-respect to go out and have the independence to support her family off her own back.

You can't sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of someone else's kids, because it'll never work. Keep looking, because you'll find someone who deserves you and you can make each other happy.

Martin, from your reference to God's blessings that you have received I am surmising that you are a Christian. If I am in error, then please disregard, or take as you see fit, my comments.

First, you are probably involved with this woman sexually. That is against God's direction and you are asking for trouble.

Second, God specifically warns about marriage following a divorce. What do you know about this woman's past? Why is she divorced? Is she a Christian (doubtful from what you've posted so far)?

If she is not a Christian, and you are, you are heading down the road to an unevenly yoked marriage and possibly many problems down the road due to "divided loyalties" (you to God and her to the "world").

You are not, and never will be, the children's "father". Oh sure, adoptive parents really do become "mother and father" in all the sense of the word except biological. So it's possible, but with what you have stated so far I think that YOU would have a near impossible road to go to become their "father". Right now you seem them as innocent, etc., but living with children is a whole different thing (I have 4 children).

Also, the woman has made it clear where her head is on fatherhood. You get the "right" to discipline HER children because you are a source of money to her and them. What happens, if in the future, you lose you job for whatever reason? There are NO totally secure jobs out there today and circumstances can change.

I am sorry that she is unemployed, but that is her problem and her families problem, not yours. The fact that you seem to be caring and sensitive man is a good testimonial for your potential as a loving husband and father, to some other woman and future children. But right now, your emotions are being taken advantage of by this woman. As long as you are providing for her, and what you are doing is WAY beyond Christian charity, she has no reason to address her own problems.

I suspect that there are psychological issues that she has that you are only now beginning to get some inkling of.

Please, extricate yourself from their lives as quickly as you can. The potential for great heartache in your future is huge, IMHO. Follow God's guidelines for marriage and who is a good "match" for your lifetime covenant that is marriage.

God bless. Seek His wisdom and submit obediently to God's leading.

Martin,

I have to agree I see big red flags even banners with this one. I think she is using you big time. I think you know this too or else you wouldn't be here. When you go into a relationship with children involved I think there has to be some limits. I'm sure she gets social security for the kids. I also know that there is subsidized daycare programs, housing ect. There really is know reason she can't work and take care of herself and the kids. Those children are her responsibilty not yours. For her to tell you that you do the discipling so you should be responsible for them financially is rediculouse. I think you need to sit down and discuss theses issues with her. If she is understanding then maybe she really does love you and will work on herself. If she isn't then that will be your answer and I would move on.

If and when you do make a committment to her then it will be your responsibility to take care of the kids because with her comes them its a whole package but not if you are just dating and not even living together.

Good Luck, You sound like a very decent man,

Jill

Martin 4,

Run for your life while you can. You are not only raising those 2 kids but her as well. It seems that either she is very young or very immature or both.

Have you check that her H is really pass away ? or you just take what she said. Have you meet her family and close freinds ?.

Remember to be a skillfull giver you have to do "only" when it doesn't hurt you. It seems that she is taking you for sugar daddy (what is your age diff ?) and you can't afford it or at least you have resentment. We have saying in my country ... If you want a milk, just go and buy when you need it; don't bring home the cow !.

-rh-

Gonna twist this one around like I usually do...

Do not remove your own actions and responsibility in creating this situation...it can serve as a great learning lesson in life...

First off with young children and no marriage committment YOU should not be staying at her place...

You should treat her children with respect and as a guest in their home...
I discipline because I do not want them to get hurt and there needs to be some structure in their lives.

It is not your job to discipline the children..it is her role...no matter what the circumstances..(unless immediate danger)....if you are unhappy about how she disciplines, bed times, eating...etc.you stepping in and taking over does not and will not fix the root issues and cause

.DO NOT go to her place...entertain her at your place or in public...

If the children are in your home...you can make clear limits and expectations you have in your place...other than that..without a commitment and clear communication the children should not be relying on you for discipline...

Well, next thing I know, I am over her house and she is upset because the girls are not in a pagent. Next thing I know I am buying pagent dresses. Next thing I know I am paying for B day parties, and being their dad.

These are not next thing I know occurances...these are active choices you made...pagent dresses are icings and frills..when people are not in a financial situation to do these things....they need to find other events/activities that fit the budget...

You are not a victim in how you supplied these things...these are things you agreed with even when you felt they were not right..

I think this experience will serve you better to learn from if you look at your own role and choices as well.

It is too simplified to say and look at all she did and asked...but you need to look at what part you participated in as well...

This is not to attack your intentions..for they are good..but when are actions do not really serve to make things better ..then we need to re-evaluate....

She needs to learn skills that make and empower her to be self sufficient...for herself and the children...

I would suggest a real talk with her...
one in which you agree to pay for one more (two at the most) rent and bills and then be done with the financial aide.

I would suggest you date her only...and see how that goes...

these children will become pawns in her game...and you must remove yourself from situations that allow that...or your yourself become just a emeshed in using the chidren...

If you two continue and are serious...I would suggest parenting classes for you...

ARK

I use to feel very close to the kids,but tonight it all seemed different. THey just bugged the heck out of me, like they were other peoples kids. Their dad was killled this past Christmas and he did not have contact with the girls. After church, I got a call and she said that it is not fair. She does not have any money, she has kids to support, she does not have any friends or family to support her, she does not know who can watch the girls while she looks for a job, and they the type of job she need is a 40 hour a week job so their goes time with the kids, which she feels bad about.

I feel like pooh. I feel like I ruined her life by being catious with mine. I want to be married adn once married will take on EVERY responsibilty. I just want to know that I am making the right decision for all the right reasons.

Martin

Martin, I feel like I want to tell you that you are such a nice and caring person that it will all work out okay. BUT, that is reality, it is fanatasy fogtalk, so I won't go there.

As a brother in Christ, you need to know that Satan is VERY good at pulling on your emotional heart strings to lead you down a path that does NOT honor God.

Martin, you sound very young (at least compared to my gray haired brain) and confused. That is understandable. Emotions ARE very powerful. But God's admonition to you is to love God with all your heart, soul, and MIND. You are to put on the full armor of God to stand against the wiles of Satan, especially when it hurts.

Martin, the woman has succeeded in her quest to make you feel guilty and "source" of her problems if you don't keep "taking care of her". This is manipulation of an "easy mark", someone who is a good and caring person and who finds it tough to say "No".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Their dad was killled this past Christmas and he did not have contact with the girls. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh sure, let's use Christmas as the "bait" to induce sympathy in you. But the reality is that either they were never married or they were victims of a "runaway dad" or the mother and him were divorced. Anyway you slice it, there are more problems that we don't know about that are directly related to this woman.

Martin, she "made her bed". It is NOT up to you to play Knight in Shining Armor and sacrifice your life and your future for an obviously manipulative and immature woman. I suspect she has always been pretty good at using her "feminine charms" to get whatever she felt like she was entitled to. But Martin, please don't be an idiot. OPEN your eyes, put your emotions on hold for a minute, and LOOK at the entire situation.

Normally I'd be very supportive of someone who was willing to embrace a single mother with a couple of kids. But that assumes that they are both Christians and that Love, not manipulation, is at the core of their relationship. I'm sorry for her "laments", but choices we make in life have consequences. Where is her mother and father, brothers and sisters? Where are the social service resources that are designed to help someone up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After church, I got a call and she said that it is not fair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Martin, a lot of things in life are "not fair". This whole system is peopled by folks that are direct recipients of life's "unfairness", but who are willing to endure the hard and painful times to do what is right. Even those who have gone through divorce because their spouse was too centered on themselves have recovered. Yes, it's emotionally painful at the beginning, recovery together or recovery alone. But it DOES pass and it DOES get better over time.

Get yourself separated from this mess as quickly as you can and seek a spouse who will join you in walking with Christ as the center and focalpoint of your marriage covenant. Wait on God, don't try to pick a spouse on your own because you think you are "running out of time". Wait on God's perfect timing.

God bless.