</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Some couples develop a relationship culture of bickering and fighting .... because of the adrenaline high it provides. They feel more "alive" during a fight, and then they have the excitement of a make up and kiss session.
:</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kat97's excellent post last week, prompted me to print out the following segment and study the concept. Not just for understanding LB's in marriage, but broad based relationship advice.
deeplyhurting, if it helps, go back to IP aka Blue Eyes mega-post on verbal abuse and reactions that help and hurt. Very good advice given.
(I'd copy the link but my cut and paste skills seem to be limited to Elmer's and safety sissors!)
Kat said: You probably know that I’ve gotten a lot out of studying the concepts of the “Inner Child” and Transactional Analysis. You’re getting a lot of excellent advice here, but you’re having a hard time “hearing” it because it’s all being filtered through your Parent ego state, which is all about judgments and criticism. As a type 8, you’re probably “in” Parent state much of the time. Part of being an 8 is the need to constantly fight and go upstream against the current.
To get the benefit of the advise you’re being given here, you’re going to have to consciously “click off” your judgmental Parent and hurt Child, and operate in logical Adult. You’re a scientist—access that part of your brain that dissects information and filters fact from opinion.
No one is judging or blaming you. They are observing the behavior and events you put down here, and making suggestions based on those observations, cause/effect. etc.
I copied the following information from
www.boyceco.com and the TA Lesson on “Psychological Games”:
quote:
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The key characteristics of a psychological game are:
1) there is a sequence of transactions that take place as a group
2) the group has happened before, usually several or many times
3) the Adult ego state is not involved ie. you do the sequence not in awareness
4) the players end up with their racket feelings
5) the transactions are ulterior and become revealed at a moment called the switch when players change roles
One way to look at games is by using a model called the Drama Triangle. Developed and introduced to the TA world by Stephen Karpman in 1968, it's a useful method of looking at many games. The triangle consists of three positions: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. They are capitalized to distinguish them from real victims, villains, and rescuers. You can picture this triangle by placing the figure upside down so it's resting on a point. This is the one-down position of Victim. Persecutor is the top left point, Rescuer is the top right point. The game begins with one player taking a position and offering an invitation to at least one other person. If that person accepts the invitation, he or she steps onto the triangle and the transaction sequence continues.
The psychological purpose of games is:
(a) Lots of predictable intense strokes are exchanged. Long time married couples often get into the 'habit' of bickering back and forth. It's a game. Relatively safe, predictable strokes.
(b) A game is a proven way to structure time. It is more intense than activities but not as risky as intimacy.
(c) Illusion of Intimacy. Some people confuse games with intimacy because games have such intense strokes. Some couples play a game first (the same old argument) then follow it up with intimacy.
(d) Reinforce our script beliefs and frame of reference. In other words we prove something to be true: "Everyone is selfish", "All men are the same", "You can't count on family", "Nobody ever listens to me".
(e) Confirm our life position (see previous lesson) on the OK corral, ie. I'm not OK, You are OK.
(f) Further our script towards its destiny
Typical Games: Kick Me
White opens this game with a series of discounts [insults] (or worse) to Black. After a while, Black has had enough abuse and wallops White, who at a Child level wanted a reaction. Common these days in domestic disputes where one spouse verbally assaults the other, provoking a physical response. Persecutor toVictim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Think objectively for a minute about your personality, and about your H’s. You need to be in control. To be sure you’re in control, you need to exert that control periodically. Is it possible that out of awareness you are provoking some situations, some of the time?
Transactional analysis also talks about your “racket feeling.” EVERYONE has a racket feeling, which is a feeling that they’ve discovered, when they display it, they always get “strokes” (attention). For some it’s guilt, for others anger, etc. etc. They unconsciously “set up” situations that will trigger their racket feeling. You probably know that I’ve gotten a lot out of studying the concepts of the “Inner Child” and Transactional Analysis. You’re getting a lot of excellent advice here, but you’re having a hard time “hearing” it because it’s all being filtered through your Parent ego state, which is all about judgments and criticism. As a type 8, you’re probably “in” Parent state much of the time. Part of being an 8 is the need to constantly fight and go upstream against the current.
To get the benefit of the advise you’re being given here, you’re going to have to consciously “click off” your judgmental Parent and hurt Child, and operate in logical Adult. You’re a scientist—access that part of your brain that dissects information and filters fact from opinion.
No one is judging or blaming you. They are observing the behavior and events you put down here, and making suggestions based on those observations, cause/effect. etc.
I copied the following information from
www.boyceco.com and the TA Lesson on “Psychological Games”:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The key characteristics of a psychological game are:
1) there is a sequence of transactions that take place as a group
2) the group has happened before, usually several or many times
3) the Adult ego state is not involved ie. you do the sequence not in awareness
4) the players end up with their racket feelings
5) the transactions are ulterior and become revealed at a moment called the switch when players change roles
One way to look at games is by using a model called the Drama Triangle. Developed and introduced to the TA world by Stephen Karpman in 1968, it's a useful method of looking at many games. The triangle consists of three positions: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. They are capitalized to distinguish them from real victims, villains, and rescuers. You can picture this triangle by placing the figure upside down so it's resting on a point. This is the one-down position of Victim. Persecutor is the top left point, Rescuer is the top right point. The game begins with one player taking a position and offering an invitation to at least one other person. If that person accepts the invitation, he or she steps onto the triangle and the transaction sequence continues.
The psychological purpose of games is:
(a) Lots of predictable intense strokes are exchanged. Long time married couples often get into the 'habit' of bickering back and forth. It's a game. Relatively safe, predictable strokes.
(b) A game is a proven way to structure time. It is more intense than activities but not as risky as intimacy.
(c) Illusion of Intimacy. Some people confuse games with intimacy because games have such intense strokes. Some couples play a game first (the same old argument) then follow it up with intimacy.
(d) Reinforce our script beliefs and frame of reference. In other words we prove something to be true: "Everyone is selfish", "All men are the same", "You can't count on family", "Nobody ever listens to me".
(e) Confirm our life position (see previous lesson) on the OK corral, ie. I'm not OK, You are OK.
(f) Further our script towards its destiny
Typical Games: Kick Me
White opens this game with a series of discounts [insults] (or worse) to Black. After a while, Black has had enough abuse and wallops White, who at a Child level wanted a reaction. Common these days in domestic disputes where one spouse verbally assaults the other, provoking a physical response. Persecutor toVictim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Think objectively for a minute about your personality, and about your H’s. You need to be in control. To be sure you’re in control, you need to exert that control periodically. Is it possible that out of awareness you are provoking some situations, some of the time?
Transactional analysis also talks about your “racket feeling.” EVERYONE has a racket feeling, which is a feeling that they’ve discovered, when they display it, they always get “strokes” (attention). For some it’s guilt, for others anger, etc. etc. They unconsciously “set up” situations that will trigger their racket feeling.