This site has been very helpful to me during the past 2 months since I found out about W's A. We have been married for 9 years. It has not been the best of marriages by any stretch. According to WS it has been hell on earth the entire 9 years, but I don't take it that far. I think she is trying to rewrite history to some degree. I have learned that our relationship could be better once learning the principles taught here, but WS has zero hope in us ever reconciling. I have already experienced so much pain and I know that I am facing more if I continue to hang on. We have no kids, have had a bad marriage, WS is not the least bit hopeful of ever even living in the same house with me again, and she won't divorce me because of spiritual reasons since she had the A, but she does want me to divorce her- she just won't say that- -Question #1- is my marriage worth trying to save? I want to please God and give it all I have, but I am running on fumes at this point. Question #2 How do I know when to quit? Is she just in the fog, or is she really done with this marriage? Any advice will help.

M- 9 years, no kids
H-me-32
WS- 30
A- lasted 3 years off and on, (2 different partners)
D-day- #1- Jan. 8, 03- lied about sexual contact
D-day #2- June 10, 03- disclosed it was sexual
WS claims A is totally over

Ok you want to find the final answer to 'Is it still worth it'?

Ask her to:

1. Commit to counseling with a pro-marriage saving professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy (our resident coach Cerri, and founder of Save Your Marriage Central ).

2. Commit to strictly follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

If she agrees and follows thru with the above pre-conditions, then you can start the process of marital recovery. But if she waffles or flat out dismisses them, then you can rest assured that she is not sincere.

But the real question is are you up to the challenge to find out the truth?

ndistress - Do you both love each other? That would be my main question. This is how my H and my situation has progressed so far.....

I am the WS with a 4 mo EA/PA with coworker NC since last week in June. I confessed everything to H Jul 8. He was unsure of whether he wanted to stay to try to work things out. During our period of "limbo" we found that we both still had love for each other.....so we decided that we would both committ to trying to work it out - and doing it the right way - full honesty, etc. It's no guarantee that things will work out, but at least we know we will be giving our M our best shot.

So in my eyes, it comes down to whether you love each other, and if you are willing to at least "try."

BTW - we have no children either - M 3.5 years, together 9.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice. My wife currently says she does not love me and that she has no hope. I see alot of people here with kids and how that is a reason for them to try. Since I don't have kids, I don't have motivation. Is marriage itself worth it under these circumstances? I am not sure I know. I would like to think that it is.

My opinion is that it is worth it. God HATES divorce (see Malachi). Yes, you will have pain if you continue to try. You will have pain if you divorce. Many people I know who have been through both an affair and divorce say that divorcing to escape the pain of the affair is just kidding yourself. You will have the pain of the affair anyway, PLUS the pain fo the divorce. The question is: How do you proceed, given your state of mind?

Clicking on the link in my signature line may give you some useful insights. Many people here have found that anti-depressants have helped. I would make sure the A is over, since if it is not, your efforts to change will seem to go mostly un-noticed.

I think the best approach is to start changing the things about you (see the Plan A links in my signature line) that you need to work on whether you stay marrried to her or eventually marry someone else, and see how she responds.

ndistress -

First, welcome to MB. Ok, I have some things to say in response to your original post.

My H (who is known here as STTSI) and I have been married only 1 year. I am the fws. I wanted to Dv my H b/c I knew no other way out of my A. So I filed for Dv. Later, (4 months later) I wanted to reconcile our marriage. I contacted my H about reconcillation.

We don't have children either. We wondered if it would REALLY be worth trying to save our marriage. I still had love for him, but he said that he was all out of love for me.

Ok, we have been in recovery for 5 months now.. Yes, it is difficult. We have good times and we still have bad - but we both have decided that we still love each other and we owe it to ourselves to see if this really will work.

BTW, I told my H that God hates Dv also. I told him that was part of the reason that I came back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The rest my friend, is up to you to decide. You have to find the truth in either wanting to Dv your W, or stay with her. You have to feel what is right!

Good luck to you!

NDistress

I am sorry you find yourself here and the pain you are in.

When I first came here, a very wise poster by the name of Just Learning told me to give myself 6 months before even trying to make a decision about what I should or shouldn't do. I hate to use labels, but for your info, I was the FWS. It takes at least that long on both sides for the overwhelming pain, disaster and distress to even begin to settle.

For me, my X (sorry, my M didn't recover and my DV came through last week), was living abroad and found out a month before he came home about the A. For the first two months of him being back here, I could barely even look at him, let alone communicate, and when we did, most of the time he would shreik abuse at me, so I would defend myself and fight back. It was a horrible horrible time. After 4 months, he went off with someone else, who he is now living with. The whole process was awful, and every week I would come here with another "story" of what had been happening in the madness of it all.

Believe me, I had no idea whether or not I loved X after the first two months. Equally, he didn't know if he loved me. Life is chaotic to say the least. After about 2 months, I knew I wanted to try to see if our M could be saved. I felt I owed it to both of us and the 12 years we were together.

Only you can make the decision, but I would suggest that you do nothing until your feelings are calmed. What difference will another few months make in the wider scale of things?

Even though I am now DV'd, it was a very painful experience and the emotional turmoil continued. I am however, OK with being single. My M in hindsight perhaps wasn't worth it. There were many things that happened which X would not address.

We did not have children, but I have 2 beautiful S-Ds who have been affected by this. Yes, it does make a difference, but why not let your feelings come to a place where you can make a rational decision based on well thought out fact rather than now when the pain is so fresh.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Wishing you well from London
Lisa

ndistress-
you and i have a very similar situation.
my wife who moved out on 8/9 told me she didn't love me anymore, found me unattractive, wanted something new. we also have no children. it's been a week since i've talk to her(plan b) and i find myself thinking the same thing as you do. after everything my w put me through these last few months do i even want to try. i still love her and there are times i want to call her just to here her voice, but i know i'll just try and convince her to come home by begging and pleading.
so i'll give both of us at least 6 months before i make any contact with her (unless she contacts me to tell me she wants to work on our marriage).
I think in 6 months my w and i will both know where we stand. They say w/s are in a fog, but i also believe the b/s is in some sort of fog. wanting most what we can't have which is for our w/s to love us like they use to. I guess what i'm trying to say is give it time maybe the fog will lift for our wifes or maybe the fog were in as b/s will lift and we will realize that it wasn't meant to be.

To be perfectly honest with you, if you don't have kids, WHY subject yourself to the pain of recovery? I mean, really. Someone is telling you that they don't love you and they already went and betrayed your trust, what does the future hold? Do you want to have children with them and then realize down the road that it was a mistake or that you still resent them and then be stuck with lingering feelings like this???

Leaving is, by no means, a quick fix to your happiness. But with time, you will be able to find happiness by yourself and have the pain and burden of recovering with someone who hurts you off of your back.

I know this isn't MB advice, I know this is probably pessimistic, but truly, if I was in your situation, I personally, would walk away...enlightened. If this taught you anything, it taught you what to look for in a mate and how to keep a marriage in good shape. If she's not willing to walk this road with you then why is she keeping you around and why are you still there?

Good luck to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

<small>[ August 17, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: Wondrme ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ndistress:

"A- lasted 3 years off and on, (2 different partners)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> You mean she had a 3 year long PA with 2 men?. You may be married to a person who is a philanderer, like my ex-WW, and I can tell you that unless she goes out of her way to change, you are most likely going to see a repeat of history.