Is your spouse a conflict avoider? Mine is....

Drives me crazy, I'm the opposite...face the crap, get it done, get on with life....

He's a little better, tho, he can sometimes see the humor in the lengths he'll go in "choosing not to choose."

An example of what I've "fondly" named the "waffle-factor"....

As we were going to the park the other day, he was changing his mind for the umpteenth time, re-arranging the rest of our schedule as he saw fit..."looking at options" he says, I say control and to keep me off balance, BTW....

I interrupted his wandering itinerary with this..."Honey, I love you, and this drives me nuts! You've wondered aloud why at times it appears as if I'm having difficulty seeing a future with you. I now have my answer. How can I rationally try to predict 20 years with you, when I can't even predict the next 20 minutes?"

He started laughing. "I've gotta start watching that. I get your point, but it just hit me as funny."

Anyone care to share such light-bulb moments or light-hearted truthisms (is that even a word?)...

The more ways I can find to confront this maddening habit lovingly, the more secure he can feel every time he goes to sleep....LOL!!

H.W

Use your sense of humor .... it's one of your many strengths .....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi there Pep!

Progress, not perfection, right?

Last couple of weeks have been wretched...

Had to practice some tough love and go NC for a while with youngest daughter (age 24), ouch!

My mom went in for what we all thought was a relatively minor, simple surgery...A tumor the size of a softball was removed from her colon, with involvement in liver and lymph system confirmed. Out of the blue, blind-sided, and I have issues with my mom that are still somewhat hanging....she's only 63...she lives back in my home state, and I can't get there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And on top of this, WH admitted revived, although one-sided, mostly imaginary A with OW #1, a co-worker. Had been searching for the root of his withdrawal for awhile...jeez....I can only be grateful that she shot him down and he crashed and burned...this has seemed to punch some pretty big holes in his active imagination, and the magical thinking is wearing thin!

I've kinda got some balance back...my oldest daughter was visiting today, she'd just come from her shrink with her 2nd diagnosis of Bi-Polar II (little m, big D)...sister also Bi-polar II...hmmm...

We were cracking jokes, discussing therapy and meds, the relative merits of Lithium, and having a great time! H hung on the outskirts, observing and looking a little white around the gills... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've always said that I don't suffer from mental illness, I enjoy every minute!

But what he was picking up on was the level of acceptance her and I have with these kinds of difficulties, it was just like we were talking about any other normal life event....

And...he's agreed to IC & MC for both of us! But until it actually happens, I'm keeping it in the "Saying what I wanna hear" category....

And the other biggie...yesterday, he went to the bank and took out a small signature loan for less than $1000 to get my car fixed, and he said he'd be saving his vacation time at work, in case the need arises for a sudden trip to Michigan, back home to my mom....a huge gesture for Mr. Cheapskate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

AND-he bought me KFC this week! A huge EN for me! Better than a dozen roses! Hooray for the Colonel!

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Progress, not perfection, right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Errrrrr is there such a thing????

Perfection I meant... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, my husband does this same thing. He overwhelms himself and everyone else with options. Deciding where to go out to eat takes an act of Congress, complete with floor debates and filibusters. He does not know why this drives me crazy. I believe in giving major issues serious thought and considering all the options, but the man agonizes over buying socks at target.

Recently we spent a day together in Chinatown in New York, and he displayed this behavior by wandering aimlessly through the incredibly crowded streets. he said he just wanted to be allowed to drift, but really he was lost. I felt more like it was that he didn't want me to lead, as he knew that I knew the area and he doesn't. After "drifting" through several streets with nothing of interest on them, I seized control and steered us toward an area with shops, where he was happy enough looking at Yankees hats.

How can a decisive person and a waffler get through a lifetime together, when a mere day-trip leaves me feeling manipulated?

H.W

Have you ever read anything about adult ADD?

Sometimes adult ADD can make adults turn into waffle-factor avoiders ... they lose focus too quickly and can't decide.

Just a thought.

Pep

Hi Pep!

Yes, he's definitely adult ADD. 4 of his 5 sons have been diagnosed as ADHD at one time or another....A recent psych exam also suggested an undiagnosed and unaddressed learning disability. He's 48, and I understand this is more common than not with "our" generation.

My best guess is that as a child, he was so coddled and overprotected by mom to "make-up" for father's abuse, he learned to turn it inward and became so fearful of doing something "wrong", he's simply afraid to make choices at all....he's also a very "black & white" kinda thinker...I'll bet this is the basis of some depressive type stuff, too, like repressed anger and hurt...

I'm slightly Adult ADD, too. Many years ago, a doctor suggested that mine was mild enough to be treated homeopathically, with herbal type stuff, caffeine, and cognitive awareness....it works for me most of the time, except when experiencing severe stress...like NOW!! LOL!!

Gonna write another post for Liu....on how I deal with the "waffle-factor", besides telling him that I like pancakes and freedom (french) toast better than waffles..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Liu-

Crazy, isn't it? I had to laugh about the agonizing over socks at Target...were you the one giggling at us in Walmart recently? He needed socks...

First, I decisively decided that it is his problem, not mine. If he asks my opinion, and I have no preference, I say so. If I do have an opinion, I tell him, and then decide to detach from the outcome....

When he tries to add to the schedule suddenly, or other things like that usually get me going....I ask before we leave, or get a solid time frame that he can waffle about in as much as he likes...I can't change his waffling, but I can have my boundaries about the amount of time I have.....

A cognitive trick that I use for myself, is to get out of the "one or the other" mind-set, or "right vs. wrong"....can't decide between mac & cheese for lunch or tuna fish? Why not both? Or something completely different? At that point, I think..."How is what I eat for lunch important in the grand scheme of the universe?" And then I leugh at myself, and just pick one and do it, and don't dwell on the choices I didn't pick....

He also gets into the 2nd guessing himself game....I've told him more than once, "I respect and admire the fact that you thought so hard about this before you decided, trust your choice! I do!" It's almost become a joke between us now...when I say something along those lines, he "gets it" and relaxes....

To my mind, 2nd guessing is worse.....

I also feel less manipulated when I remember that is not about me, it's about HIM...

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>