Ok, I'm really Mad. Here's my problem...found out W was cheating on again off again for several yrs. with the same M(he also married). It hurt but I was also cheating on W so how could I complain. What I'm really disturbed about and can't seem to get over (it's been 8 months since I found out)is that W invited him to our house when I was traveling on business. I mean it's bad enough to cheat but don't bring them to the other spouses house. I know we're both sorry for what we've done to each other but I can't shake the fact that he was in my house. I have even confronted him and almost got myself into real trouble. W & I have been to counseling and it seemed to have worked with the exception of them sharing my house. Are my feelings normal? and can I ever get over this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I can relate so well with you. I think I could have forgiven the affair but not the fact that she brought him to our house and in our bed. I have a strong belief that the home is the final sanctuary that is absolutely untouchable. To me it is the ultimate in disrespect to the spouse and to the marriage to screw someone else in your home. I could never forgive that which is why she became my ex. When I found that out I lost all respect for her permanently. I don't know how you could stay in the house knowing what they did. It would take the pleasure of ever looking forward to going home. I know exactly how you feel.

Dear Yardcat...

with all due respect you are splitting hairs...and playing with thoughts of one upp-ing...

and it will can be detrimental to you and your marriage.

forgiveness is a decision.
forgiveness is very hard work...

forgiveness is letting go of things...and in healing one must be stop and take a long hard look at what we hold on too ...and what we claim to be unable to get by...
for often there is a payoff in holding on to these things...though we may not be aware of them.

The fact that both of you committed adultery speaks volumes of both of your
lack of communication.
and lack of intimacy..which has little to do with in the bedroom...lack of respect for one another..

AND I would suggest that with your vows and marriage from both spouses actions being so far off into the ditch during the affairs....that perhaps you really aren't done with counselling...and that perhaps you really haven't worked out the issues...and this clinging to "him' being at your house is the symptom of the internal barometer that things aren't quite right yet...

WHICH does not mean they can't get right...
some just takes time..a lot of time...
years...
but creating a new marriage in which vows are honored and a true partnership is born...is welll worth the fight and time...

I suggest you start reading here on this sight...

I suggest you look at the feelings you have about sharing these fears and concerns with your wife...and see it as a red flag if you feel you can not tell her how you feel...for that is not the type of marriage you should desire...environments need to be safe to say and hear...these things to one another...

I suggest you find a goood counselor....who believes in marriage....

eight months is not that long...
how long was your affair..
how long was her's...

you have been both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse..i invite you to share here as well for people can help you work through these issues...for they know how you feel..
AND
you probably can offer a lot...

I wish you peace...
the nick yardcat made me smile...

love and forgiveness are both verbs...

peace to you

ARK

Ark....I like your comments however,Bryanp also makes a very good point and I think illustrates the Man's view. My affair lasted almost 6yrs. W's 2 yrs. Our counselling was going very well until the session when W confessed they were using our home. I walked out immediately....and after confronting him I realised I needed anger management more than jont counselling. My counsellor say's our home was used only as a means of convienance and nothing more. Although I've had several sessions I can't seem to get past the betrayal and disrespect I feel. Will I leave? prob not....too many yrs and money invested. thanks for your comments

Yardcat..

You come to a marriage-building site with legitimate feelings about pain and hurt...

but the only answer you are seeking is...
yep it's a guy thing and you're right and entitled to feel that way...and you don't have to work it out no matter the damage it does it does to yourself and others...

BryanP's situation is different...he didn't have an affair on his wife...

BOTH you and your wife are completely equal in the disrepecting of vows....and either one of you are at great risk at any time in recovery to get caught up in the details...
but betrayal is betrayal is betrayal is betrayal...
and splitting hairs...over whose was "worse" while understandable must be reconized and worked through...

For SIX years you woke up each and every day and chose to disrepect your wife, your vows, yourself and some other humans (the otherperson/OP)...

In the big picture are the details that important??

Really really that important...

You say you are staying so I implore you to work at moving past all of this ...

The best thing you can do is to both work really hard at moving away from being the type of people who can engage in any activity that causes such pain to one another....
that's the big picture..

Once your actions become your definition of self...that is when details...even those that appear unsurmountable become nothing...

For when the person (your wife) is NOT the same person capable of hurting you in such in a way...those details will fade....

Yardcat....the more power and emotion you feed in to these feeling of disrepect..the more they will grow and fester and destroy what you want to rebuild...

And that is why I say look at the role you are playing in this...
look at what power you choose to give these feelings...\
look deeper at what you are gaining...

I know you are hurt...
truth is you are both hurt...
and tomorrow your wife could slam you with the thought that any and every penny you spent on your OP in a hotel motel room is greater disrepect than coming somewhere free...that evey penny you spent was a slap in a face...and money that could/should have gone to the family, the children...or a vacation for you and her...

six years....I bet you spent a little cash on the her...and your wife could decide at any second that was the greatest form of disrepect and betrayal...

but all that does is take focus of the real issues...and real healing ...and the real things that need worked on and addressed...

I implore you to decide that while her actions hurt...both of you stand equal in pain and betayal...
I implore you to learn to discuss your pain and hurt in way that can be heard by her without anger...so that you two can learn to work these things out...and learn that is safe to share your pain....
I implore you to never decide it's a guy things...and thus it is so...

go deeper yardcat...
move through this pain...

you want to work this through ...take this "issue" and show to your wife that you are willing to handle it and look at it differently than you have before...and you will get her attention...that perhaps you both really can change...and learn new ways to become true partners....

peace to you
ARK

I'm w/ARK on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>Yardcat..

You come to a marriage-building site with legitimate feelings about pain and hurt...

but the only answer you are seeking is...
yep it's a guy thing and you're right and entitled to feel that way...and you don't have to work it out no matter the damage it does it does to yourself and others...

BryanP's situation is different...he didn't have an affair on his wife...

BOTH you and your wife are completely equal in the disrepecting of vows....and either one of you are at great risk at any time in recovery to get caught up in the details...
but betrayal is betrayal is betrayal is betrayal...
and splitting hairs...over whose was "worse" while understandable must be reconized and worked through...

For SIX years you woke up each and every day and chose to disrepect your wife, your vows, yourself and some other humans (the otherperson/OP)...

In the big picture are the details that important??

Really really that important...

You say you are staying so I implore you to work at moving past all of this ...

The best thing you can do is to both work really hard at moving away from being the type of people who can engage in any activity that causes such pain to one another....
that's the big picture..

Once your actions become your definition of self...that is when details...even those that appear unsurmountable become nothing...

For when the person (your wife) is NOT the same person capable of hurting you in such in a way...those details will fade....

Yardcat....the more power and emotion you feed in to these feeling of disrepect..the more they will grow and fester and destroy what you want to rebuild...

And that is why I say look at the role you are playing in this...
look at what power you choose to give these feelings...\
look deeper at what you are gaining...

I know you are hurt...
truth is you are both hurt...
and tomorrow your wife could slam you with the thought that any and every penny you spent on your OP in a hotel motel room is greater disrepect than coming somewhere free...that evey penny you spent was a slap in a face...and money that could/should have gone to the family, the children...or a vacation for you and her...

six years....I bet you spent a little cash on the her...and your wife could decide at any second that was the greatest form of disrepect and betrayal...

but all that does is take focus of the real issues...and real healing ...and the real things that need worked on and addressed...

I implore you to decide that while her actions hurt...both of you stand equal in pain and betayal...
I implore you to learn to discuss your pain and hurt in way that can be heard by her without anger...so that you two can learn to work these things out...and learn that is safe to share your pain....
I implore you to never decide it's a guy things...and thus it is so...

go deeper yardcat...
move through this pain...

you want to work this through ...take this "issue" and show to your wife that you are willing to handle it and look at it differently than you have before...and you will get her attention...that perhaps you both really can change...and learn new ways to become true partners....

peace to you
ARK</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

ark
I've been in counseling for several months...and never have I heard such powerful words....thanks so much...

ps
I've filed your comments for later readings

YC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yardcat...

Get a new better counselor...(seriously..one that is pro pro marriage...not psycho babble feel good crappola...

and the bill is in the mail.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad you came back..
I would like it if you felt comfortable enough to post here....

So much about recovery is being willing to change...and we ALL cling to the known...even when we know it isn't working ...
tough stuff..with some growing pain thrown in...

but well worth battle I believe...too learn the value of our own selves and others in our lives...

not to ever make light of your situation or pain...but because both you and others I beleive could stand to learn from one another...

keep an eye on that mail box...I charge per letter...and everyone knows I am rarely at a loss for words...around here...babble babble babble babble...

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />