Okay... so that's an unfair title... but only because here in Canada, an accused person is considered to be innocent until proven guilty. But you know what folks? He did the crime... and as long as justice prevails, he's gonna do the time too.

I found out about this at the end of June. I haven't been able to post about it, because the police took until August 15th to talk to him about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Of course, he denied the allegations. And then when the detective asked if he would take a polygraph test, he refused, and said he needed to speak with his lawyer. I'm sorry, but right there, he's proving that he's guilty. If YOU were innocent of a crime you were being accused of... wouldn't you agree to taking that test right away? I sure would. And yes, I know.. the results of the test are not admissible in court.

The victim is an old baby sitter of ours. She used to watch Andrew and Eric (while H was home most of the time too), as I worked part time. This happened 3 yrs ago. She was only 11 yrs old at the time of the assaults. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It only happened when I was outside of the home, and I had NO IDEA!!!!

Yes, I knew there were problems in my M, but my H had me convinced that it was all me, b/c I wasn't doing this, that and the next thing. But you know how when (as a BS) you are looking for all of those pieces to the puzzle to figure out what the heck is really going on? Well... it's taken over 3 yrs... but man oh man... I can honestly say that it was all about him.

After a few weeks of finding out about the abuse, I was given permission by the detective to tell my IL's. For those of you who dont' know... my IL's were granted supervisors for access and visitation for H and the boys, albeit against my wishes, b/c I don't feel they properly care for the kids, and they are not unbiased supervisors. Anyways... I told MIL of the accusations, and point blank refused access. I have never kept the IL's from seeing the boys (except for a few months when I was in the shelter, and shortly after leaving there.. but that was from the suggestions of the police, counsellors, and the CAS), however, they assumed that the only way they could see them, was to agree to supervising. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Anyways... I last spoke to them in the middle of July, and they didn't even ask to speak to the 4 yr old... and I haven't heard from them since. Good riddance I say! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> GRRRR!! (I knew they would back off from the boys... but I'm suspicious as to how fast it's happening).

June 9th was the case settlement for family court, but H hasn't fulfilled his parts of the agreements yet.

H continues to have monthly appearances before the court, because of the child porn possession charges. Full disclosure hasn't happened yet... although to the best of my understanding, the police have finished their forensic data, and they feel they have more than enough to convict.

It will be a few more weeks before an arrest will take place regarding the child molestation. But I've got some ideas waiting in the wings for when it does happen... and it includes talking to the media, to have the story put on the air (and in the papers?). I already wrote to them, and one of the producers emailed me back, and would like to know more once an arrest is made. I will NOT stand by and see him out on bail, living his life like a "normal" person. No way! The public should know about him... so that they can protect themselves and their children. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've been continuing with my counselling... but at my last appt, I chose not to make another one. I've realized, that all I'm doing is venting about H there. So what's the point? I can just do that on here instead... and it saves me money! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My income dropped about 1/7 last month, so I've also decided to not attend the abused women's workshop that starts in September. The money it would cost me for babysitting, I would much rather spend on other things... like babysitting while I go out with new friends, or shopping, or for a haircut, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've joined a bookclub in town too. It's been great fun. There are only 10 of us in it (all ladies), and we get together every 2 weeks to chat, complain, eat, and sometimes we even talk about the book we're reading. We started out with Oprah's suggestion of "East of Eden", and now we're doing "The Great Gatsby". Next is "To Kill a Mockingbird" (one of my favourites), and after that, we talked about doing the first Harry Potter book. It's been great fun... and the FIRST thing I've done that has NOTHING to do with kids or my H. It's all for ME!!! I highly recommend it to everyone... it gives you a good excuse to meet new people, and to read something that is NOT A related or self-help related.

OS starts kindergarten in September, and he's so excited. The twins still aren't talking our language fluently... but they're getting there. Haha!

And in general...life is GREAT!!!!

If you've made it this far... I'd like to say thanks for reading! Haha! Any comments or questions are welcome... if you can stop shaking your head at the actions of my stbxH. But really now... for those of you who know my story... does this actually surprise you?

Karen

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

Hi Topie!

Good to hear from u again you been away for too long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well.... I can tell you nothing wil surprise me that much this days... And knowing ur H's past actions regarding A, abuse and porno... What else is new about him?. Anyway I love that youa re having another activities besides A or self help related... They are GREAT arent they? and yes maybe now they don't fullfill you THAT much, but in time, I'm sure they will help you to become a better person... That is the goal right? to become better each day? And also they are sure fun!

About yout in laws... well like father like son... ARGGGG I DO NOT understand how grands or a dad can be that way, but I guess that is also part of life. I'm sorry you have to walk this whole path but maybe JUST maybe it has it's meaning...

So, Take good care! I miss you in chat

Cya

mat

ok-i knew most of this....are you coming to chat now---I MISS YA!!!!!

good for you for all youre doing for you, isnt it great!!

Karen - you said I'd be surprised, or maybe not. Not surprised, shocked, but not surprised. Hon, I really don't know how you can continue to deal with all these revelations and how you must feel about it. It is craziness beyond belief, but you are an extremely strong person, and one who I have always admired - you depth and character and reserves must have been called on till the point of nearly running dry, but you are still taking time to continue to improve yourself and care for your lovely boys. Boy oh boy, you shame me sometimes you really do.

Glad to see you back too, although gob-smacked a bit by the news!

Take care of you and the boys.

Wishing you well from not so hot today London!!

Lisa

Karen,

I am glad you start to thrive. I am glad you took the courage to protect your kids. Hope more good thing will come your way.

-rh-

Karen,

The very last sentence sums up your battle:

I am filing for D, knowing that I did my best to save my M.

What strength and courage are written in those words. A picture may say a 1000 words, but no words speak greater volumes about the character of a woman than those you have written.

Continue to thrive and prosper with the good thoughts and prayers of all here who support you.

May your guardian angels lead you into your future.

Simmy

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Simmy ]</small>

See this is why I didn't take Chours up on his challenge (see the recovery board) -- I'd miss things like this!

YAY!

Like Nikko I knew most of this ... and was waiting for the time you could post all of this. Please post when r*tb*st*rd has been arrested and what news agencies was can access on the web to read/see it.

I'm glad your having such fun in your life now Topie ... you deserve it!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
way2

Thanks for the responses folks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

matilde: I miss you in chat too... I've just not been in the mood to go in there lately. It's not something I need right now in my life... at least not as much as I did a few months ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I still check the message board there every day. I don't understand the IL's either... but what's been a blessing to me, is using them to teach myself how to let go. Stressing over trying to figure them out is insane. It'll never happen.

nikko: Yup, you knew about this stuff too. Telephone conversations are MUCH easier to pass on info through as opposed to typing it all out, eh? lol.

Lisa: I was right... I don't think many are surprised to read that. If anything, I find it quite a relief... b/c it almost guarantees supervised visitation for a LONG time... if he ever gets around to changing his bail conditions so that he can see the boys at a local facility. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He hasn't seen them since June 14th, 2003... and has made NO moves to. Oh well... it's all good. My boys are safe, and that's all that matters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's not so hot in my London either today... a cold front just moved in, so the humidex dropped from feeling like 40 to feeling like 30 again (that's in Celcius, for those who don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

redhat: You always respond to my updates. Thank you for that. You are another one of the strong MBers that we can all think of when we want examples of moving forward the right way. And good things are happening here... for sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We're all doing great... the house is awesome... the kids are so happy... I've made new friends... I'm going out and "getting a life" now...hahaha.. what more could I ask for?

Simmy: Those final words in my signature line are so true though. My goal when I first started here at MB was to know that I did MY best to save my M. It took some time to "get it"... but I'm at peace with it. Yes, my situation is a bit whacko compared to most... but there is no arguing the truth in becoming the best you you can be. It's all that we can really do.

way2: For sure I'll send media links, should anything get on the air or in the papers regarding stbxH. MBers will be the first to know of it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (N)uck(F)uts won't be arrested for a few weeks yet, I believe. The information needs to be passed on to the crown attorney's office, and they need to decide if there is enough information to win the case. I can't see why there wouldn't be... but you never know, right? Sigh! Again... I'll post about it on here as soon as I know anything. But it may take until the end of September. Sad, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Topie25:
<strong>...hahaha.. what more could I ask for?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like US$90M CA Loterry last week won by a mom that has to live in motel since she can't even afford a security deposit for a house rent. Just kidding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

HE promised us to open up w/ more blessing if we content with HIS Blessing and praising HIM for it. I am pretty sure things are picking up from where you were.

-rh-

Here's a wild idea .... write your story and submit it for publication .... you could embroider in some embelishments and call it fiction.

Wow ..... good for you .... this will be a little difficult for the boys I fear .... when they are older and they ask to know all the details .

Will you or your boys be expected to testify in his trial?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Here's a wild idea .... write your story and submit it for publication .... you could embroider in some embelishments and call it fiction.</strong>

Ha! I've thought about doing something like that... but with my true story. And just as you suggest... I realize that no one would believe it to be true... so you're right.. fiction is the way to go! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<strong>Will you or your boys be expected to testify in his trial?</strong>

The boys... no. Not to my knowledge. The oldest boy is only 4 yrs old, and the only things he knows about is not directly relative to the actual charges.

Myself, yes. Unless H amazingly admits to what he's done, to the best of my understanding, I am the primary witness in the child porn possession case. It will basically be my word against his. But there are over 500 child porn images as proof (as well as hundreds of nude child images too), and thousands of "legal" porn images and video footage too. All of it burned onto cds... something which I don't know how to do, by the way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Karen

Topie-

I'm glad to see that you are able to get the support you need. I'm also happy to hear from you. I've been wondering how you're doing.

My thoughts have been with you, my prayers too.

I'll continue to follow along, but you know you can call me if you need someone to chat with...

kily: Thanks for the reminder that I can call you. I appreciate you listening to me a few weeks ago... that was awesome of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm not sure if I'll call anytime soon, as I'm trying to ease up on my long distance phone calls. What with my income reduction, I've got to cut back where I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And since now I can write about it online, without the fear of stbxH knowing about it (b/c now it's out in the open), I'm going to do my best to stick to emails and Ladies Chat and here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Karen,

I was dong the MB challenge so I didn't see this until you sent the email. Like the others, I knew most of this already.

I'm not really suprised or shocked. I'm still shaking my head about it though.

It's good to hear that you are doing so well. It just makes my day even better!!

I'm the one that's supposed to call you and I'm about 2 months over due! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Maybe this weekend I'll give you a call.

Love ya!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Knewjie:
<strong>Karen,
Maybe this weekend I'll give you a call.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm home... except for during the day on Saturday. My mum is coming up to visit, and we'll be going out to dinner.... unless we decide to make use of my new dining room set I got (back) on Wednesday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm always home though... it's sad, but true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Luv ya too girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm looking forward to hearing YOUR update, now that the wedding is done and over with (you looked gorgeous in your bridesmaid gown, by the way!).

Karen

I'm a little bit miffed... I just found out last night, that stbxH has moved onto a street just over from mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm not sure if it goes against his bail conditions... but he does have to report to the police every time he moves, so they know where he is. This is the fourth move since January for him, btw. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I can only hope that his pattern will continue, and he won't be there for long.

It seems strange to me, that the police would "okay" his moving into such a residential area with a few elementary schools on his road alone, and so close to where the boys and I (and the young victim) live. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I just needed to vent about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have contacted my worker at the courthouse, as well as my lawyer, to see if there is anything that can be done about it. It just doesn't seem right to me.

And the victim can NOT know about him being so close either. She won't leave our townhouse complex without an adult as it is... if she knew he lived so close... I don't think she'd ever even leave her home. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> The S.O.B. threatened to "haunt her for the rest of her life" if she told anyone about what he did to her... and she still believes it.

But guess who's haunting who? For those of you, who like me, believe in Karma... you'll like the fact that H has had recurring nightmares of Andrew (our deceased son). Andrew's face, in H's dream, is his dead face (how he looked when we found him). It serves H right... and all I can think about Andrew is, "That's MY boy!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ".

Thanks for "listening".

Karen

Topie - good to hear a update.

I'm sorry for the girl, and what she is going through and your STBXH threats to here. I would think based upon that alone, he cannot live that close to you or her.

I hope you hear soon that he has to move because he is too close to you and her. Does he know where you live? Could this be a move to try to unnerve you? It sounds like he knows about the accusations, did he find out about the accusations before or after the move?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SwH:
<strong>I hope you hear soon that he has to move because he is too close to you and her. Does he know where you live? Could this be a move to try to unnerve you? It sounds like he knows about the accusations, did he find out about the accusations before or after the move?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To the best of my knowledge, he doesn't know exactly where I live. But he does know that the boys and are still in this area (it's the same area he and I had our matrimonial home in). After all, I have to walk everywhere to get shopping done (he sold the minivan while I was in the shelter), and since he works nearby, and his job is as a delivery driver, he sees us regularly. I just saw him yesterday morning actually... on my way to the doctors to get a refill on my anti d's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (and to get Eric's final shots so he can start school in September).

He works in this same area... so part of the reason for his move, is probably to be closer to his work.

I also don't think he realises that I can find out where he's living each time he moves. Actually... anyone could find out. As the crown attorney pointed out to me, it's public knowledge, since it's on record at the courthouse.

He would have found out about the accusations after he moved, since he was only just confronted by the detective about the specifics, last Friday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (I'm still upset that it seems to be taking so long... but I also understand that it's best that the authorities do everything right... so that he can't be let off by some loophole).

I heard from my lawyer last night, via email, and she said that there is nothing in his bail conditions that can keep him from living where he is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

HOWEVER, I think that the appropriate plan of action, will be to request a larger circumference around our homes, so that he cannot be near here, except for employment purposes. With any luck, that would force him to move. But that would also have to wait until he's actually arrested, I imagine. SIGH!!! I plan on talking to the detective about that in the next week or so.

The victim is finally going to start counselling next week. To help her mum out, I made an appt for her at a local sexual assault clinic at one of the city's hospitals, for next Tuesday. I've even lined up my dad to watch the boys for me, so I can personally take her there (she feels safe with me, b/c she knows that there are already bail conditions in effect that prohibit stbxH from having any contact or association with me).

It's a slow process... but it's all happening the RIGHT way (legally, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Karen

Hi,

You are a very strong and loving person. I'm glad she has her mom and you.

Take care. I keep looking in on you.
Sue