HI
My w has cheated,and lied several times in our 18 years,and we have two kids. I have been un-employed for 6 months,and after 1 year of being faithful,and going to counseler..my w is lying again.We had made an agreement at the councel session that she would not give men reasons to hang out at the retail store where she works. Thats where this all starts. Sh eflirts with the men,and they stay for almost an hour. She may be calling them to visit,or they call her,but she says they just arrive,but I can see there car there for an hour outside.She may also be visiting them when she goes on her walks.
I had asked her about the guy hanging out again,and she says she is upset,cause she is the only one working.Is this just a reason for her to go back to cheating? Or is she sneaking on me to get even?I have had two jobs in the past,and we were all set financially,but she still cheated.Should I follow her on her next walk in friends car?Is she selfish,and looking out for herself?

Get a job, even if it is delivering pizzas, it is a major lb to a woman - at least most women- to have to support the family/ be the only one working/ most women I know get very angry and hurt and feel mistreated when their h does not support them.

Read his needs / her needs, this is usally a big need of a woman. Look hard for work in your field, and to earn a big part of the income in your home. Most women I know want the h to pay all the basic bills/ utilities/mortgage/food.

I may be old fashioned, but I know it is a major lb for my h not to support me.

I am sorry to sound blunt, but she has flat out said she is mad at your not working. Show her you are trying.... there are lots of part time jobs.... try 2 part time if you cannot find one full time until you find a job... plus you will be more desireable to an employer if you are trying to work while you wait for the right job... not just trying, actually working.

I am sorry , I do not agree with not working while waiting for the right job. For men there are construction/ labor jobs, etc. by the dozen that pay decent... when you need in between work.

Hope things get better....

No, I do not believe this is an excuse for an A - but it might be to your wife... also it makes you less attractive to her to be at home while she works.

Good luck, H

MisterSteve, if this is a way of life with her, what makes you think she would change at this late date? Her adultery isn't an out of character aberration, but a lifestyle. I think it is unrealistic to think you can change a person's personality. If I were you, I would either accept her as she is or move on.

The only alternative is intensive counseling, but it doesn't sound like she has any motivation to change. So maybe some counseling would benefit you so you could find out why you choose to live like this.

MS,

As Mel said, this is a lifestyle for her. She's been apparently cheating on you for the duration of your 18 year marriage.

Let's assume that she is a lost cause and that she will always cheat on you. You've accepted this for 18 years. What is suddenly different that you felt the need to post about it? Your very short post seems to be lacking in the details.

What is your W looking for in these other men that she is not finding in you? Are you a good H and good father to your kids? Are you a good provider and contributor? Are you a giver or are you a taker? Do you expect your W to care for you and the kids when she gets home from work or do you make sure that she comes home to a reasonably peaceful home, chores out of the way, kids cared for, maybe a meal on the table? Being unemployed for 6 months one would think you would have assumed these household duties. You become *Mr. Mom.*

Are you well groomed and respectably dressed or are you slopping around in dingy old clothes and unshaven?

Do you treat your W like a lady or do you treat her like a room mate? Do you romance her? Do YOU flirt with her? She apparently really likes this.

I guess what I'm getting at is stop spying on your W. You're only going to discover what you already know.

Work on yourself instead. Try and make yourself more appealing to your W. You need to be so appealing to her that she is thinking about YOU while she's at work, not OM.

You've got a lot of work ahead of you. Your W seems to have a very high desire for male admiration which in your present state of being you are unable to fulfill.

Give us some more detail please.

ba109

MISTERSTEVE,

I noticed that you have started about 13 threads posting pretty much the very same thing as this one but are not responding.

Then I saw this:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for all the support,and can I write to a member ,or post a reply on what they wrote in regards to my postings?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Scroll the the bottom of your thread. There are 3 buttons. (New Topic) (Post a Poll) (Post Reply) Make sure that you are signed in, click (Post Reply) and type away.

ba109

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>Get a job, even if it is delivering pizzas, it is a major lb to a woman - at least most women- to have to support the family/ be the only one working/ most women I know get very angry and hurt and feel mistreated when their h does not support them.

Read his needs / her needs, this is usally a big need of a woman. Look hard for work in your field, and to earn a big part of the income in your home. Most women I know want the h to pay all the basic bills/ utilities/mortgage/food.

I may be old fashioned, but I know it is a major lb for my h not to support me.

I am sorry to sound blunt, but she has flat out said she is mad at your not working. Show her you are trying.... there are lots of part time jobs.... try 2 part time if you cannot find one full time until you find a job... plus you will be more desireable to an employer if you are trying to work while you wait for the right job... not just trying, actually working.

I am sorry , I do not agree with not working while waiting for the right job. For men there are construction/ labor jobs, etc. by the dozen that pay decent... when you need in between work.

Hope things get better....

No, I do not believe this is an excuse for an A - but it might be to your wife... also it makes you less attractive to her to be at home while she works.

Good luck, H</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Honey I don't beleive that even if MISTERSTEVE was Bill Gates that his WW would change her philandering ways. After all I was fully employed and that didn't stop my ex-WW from having multiple affairs and it seems to be the same in his case as well.

HI
I have posted 10-15 times in the 18 months I have been a member,but I just found out today how to reply to other members comments.I am out of work,and that is one of the reasons my W cheats,but you people are right,when I go back to work,she will have more time to continue affairs.
I have worked 2 jobs,and no bills before,and she still cheated.
The bad thing is when I get suspiciuous,and become inspector gadget,and have proof,she still lies,and does not even apologize.She had inserted a love note in a gift last christmas,and I intercepted the note,and put the mug back,then I told the counseler about it,and when we went she still tried to deny the mug was for the guy.She even lied when the counseler had the note in his hand,and she turned colors.
I dont want to put up with a cheater,but it seems I have been for 18 years,and she cheated on her bf for two years before me. She is a career cheater,and loves attention from other men. When I return to work,and the money part gets back in shape,then she will cut down on her terrible behavior,but she wont give it up.She also has said she does not want to split up,but she hurts me over,and over.She behaves a few months after the trip to the counseler,then goes back to her old ways.I think I will follow her,but then when I catch her going to a guy's house,or getting in his car,that will only stop that guy,she will find new ones again. What should I do?

What should you do? Accept her how she is. She is not going to change. She has no willingness to change. You can't change other people. Accept her or move on. Those are your only choices and I know you know that.

I agree with Melodylane and I would just add that my ex-WW was a multiple cheater also and no amount of begging, threatening, negotiating, or bribing ever stopped her from having her affairs. Your WW won't change unless she suffers from a personal crisis that will finally make her acknowledge her demons and gives her the motivation to seek help to change her self destructive ways. In my case, it was my divorce from my ex-WW that was the spark that started a series of events that eventually led to her change for the better. Some marriages are beyond being saved because of one or both spouses unwillingness to address and correct the existing problems, you MAY be in one of these.

Mistersteve, you said even when you had a job and finacially things were good, she cheated.
This isn't about working or not!
She is obviously not of any high moral standards as she seems to continue, and using you or anything as as excuse is her way of transferring guilt to you!
NO, there is not a reason on earth to justify infidelity! NONE!
Get a job then kick her to the curb!
I don't think from what you've written that she is going to change her ways.
Also, you need to get tested for STD's ASAP then don't take a chance with her again unless you use protection.
What you should do is get rid of her and get on with your life!
I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with salvaging a marriage with a partner who has had multiple Affairs. Why? Unless one is into self injury and loves pain. Too many other people in the world to be stuck with one slutty broad or a jerk..
I have a niece who's put up with a drug addict for many years, they keep separating and getting back together. He hasn't changed and he never will! And I don't think your wife will either.
Moral bahavior is a way of life, not something one goes out to buy!
LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewBranch:
<strong>Mistersteve, you said even when you had a job and finacially things were good, she cheated.
This isn't about working or not!
She is obviously not of any high moral standards as she seems to continue, and using you or anything as as excuse is her way of transferring guilt to you!
NO, there is not a reason on earth to justify infidelity! NONE!
Get a job then kick her to the curb!
I don't think from what you've written that she is going to change her ways.
Also, you need to get tested for STD's ASAP then don't take a chance with her again unless you use protection.
What you should do is get rid of her and get on with your life!
I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with salvaging a marriage with a partner who has had multiple Affairs. Why? Unless one is into self injury and loves pain. Too many other people in the world to be stuck with one slutty broad or a jerk..
I have a niece who's put up with a drug addict for many years, they keep separating and getting back together. He hasn't changed and he never will! And I don't think your wife will either.
Moral bahavior is a way of life, not something one goes out to buy!
LouLou</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your right Lou Lou
She gives me reasons to get suspicious,then when I check up on her,and find out she is lying to me,then she lies more,and says I will never trust her. She does not give me anything to trust her with. She says she is losing interest in the marriage..NO KIDDING,cause she keeps cheating,lying,and getting caught. I have put up with her 18+ years of cheating,and lying,but I will not accept it.She also tries to transfer the blame on me,and todasy she said my unemployment has nothing to do with her flirting,and lying.

Guilt transferrence is cheaters way of justifying their actions and a way to throw the shame and guilt off themselves!
I saw through that one and refused to be blamed at all! It's about choices and everyone must choose their lifestyle.
Never allow them to put the guilt over on you. I toss it right back in mine's face or did. When I learned that little scam, I started feeling better about me and healing my health as well.
LouLou