23Down,
I read your reply on my thread, but I decided to reply here as it seemed to make more sense to me.

I hope my words can help you somehow. As much as I dislike to reflect upon the A I had as it's a reminder of my great failing as a human being, I'm glad to know that my experience and sharing it here can somehow help a few people.

Here's your post to me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been following your threads, and I do not want to hijack. If this is inappropriate, or if you would rather reply on my thread, please let me know.
I saw on your recent post to goodguy that in your A the OM lived far away. You stated that
quote:
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the distance fueled the fire of the fantasy!
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My WW's OM lives 500 miles away, and they were only able to see each other once or twice a month. After his W learned of the A, OM abruptly broke it off and there has been no physical contact for over four months. Over a month ago WW contacted OM. They have been in phone contact since then and OM is coming to spend next weekend with WW (she moved out of house during A). WW at one time told older D that speaking to OM on a daily basis, but being with him only on occasion, made the A "too difficult". Yet the A is starting up again. Do you think that being unable to have physical contact more often prolongs the A?
------------ </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that seeing each other once in awhile prolongs the A insofar as affairs are fantasy based, and intermittent contact fuels the fantasy as one is not getting a ''true' picture of the other person. When you're apart, you're conjuring up in your mind what/who the OP is, and the space and distance allows you to paint a splendid picture of the OP, full of romantic mystery. There's also a psychological based principle of 'intermittent reward' in seeing someone not as often.

You know, running off to visit the OM once a month was like an escape from reality. It was all pure romantic excess. I rather knew that I didn't want to be around this person in a 'real' way, but I fought off reality's truth. After all, I'd dug a very deep hole!

I remember the exact moment when he moved to this area two years ago when I realized--(and he'd been local only one week)to myself, "This is never going to work, what have I gotten myself into? This guy is difficult to be around all the time. He drains me completely, he's not a very nice person, really." My constant mantra from that point on was, "You dumb idiot, you left a wonderful man for THIS?" That being said, it still took a long time to get up the courage to end it with OM. After all, he'd given up a great job, home, etc, to be near me--and I felt awful not only for my marriage but also for how I'd treated OM as far as getting involved with him, and him moving, etc, for me.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're still wanting to work things out with your wife. Are you in Plan A?

I'm amazed that your wife would share this information with your daughter as far as the A being difficult due to the distance. What about the difficult part in all this for you?

It sounds like the fact that she's contacted OM shows that she doesn't realize yet the severity of her actions. I'm sure that OM is more or less not even quite a 'real' person to her yet. The experience with OM was extremely intense when I did see him, and thus all the more adrenaline to feed my addiction. Does that make sense?

NC is the only way this can truly end. The infrequent contact only keeps it going in their minds. I hadn't heard exOM's voice in a year, and when he called last week he only said two words before I hung up the phone on him. Those two words sent me into the bathroom, if you get my point! His voice reminded me of the evil I had sunk to. If I'd kept talking to him this past year, or emailing him, my mind would be clouded and confused. He was a very manipulative, and persuasive person, a person who had multiple affairs-so I learned! What a weak human being one can be, given the right timing and circumstances.

I had to hit rock bottom before I truly woke up and got some courage.

I hope this has helped somehow. Forgive the length of my reply.

I wish I could 'talk sense' into your wife, but she alone has to see the hideous features of what she's doing. It's not a pretty picture to see in the mirror.

God bless ,

H_P

H_P
Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate that it must be difficult to respond to these types of questions and admire you for your willingness to help others with your experience.
WW has not seen OM in over four months, though they now talk daily, and yet she told our Ds that if things go well this weekend she may leave her very good job and move to be near him. OM is still married but has moved out and is telling his W that he may file for divorce. OMW is still willing to accept him back but is beginning to have doubts. WW has been bluntly open with Ds about her feelings for OM and they are hurt.
I have been doing a very good Plan A since finding this site in early March (just when WW moved out), but I have written my Plan B letter and will be giving it to WW tomorrow. I do not at this point think that the plan is going to bring WW home but that it will help me withdrawl and prepare for the end.
I agree that NC is the only way that WW will ever be over OM but, even after OM had stopped seeing WW and there was NC for two months, she called him and initiated contact and A again.
I, too, wish that you could "talk sense" into my wife, as no one else (her mother, her sisters, her friends) has been able to do so. As a "voice of experience" it would be good if you could help her see things more clearly, as you have helped me. Again, thank you for sharing.

23:

I agree with HP. Distance helps prolong the fantasy. Distance, that is, AND secrecy. My W's A with RM started when he lived 30 miles away, but they worked and went 2 grad school 2gether, and had 2 keep their secret secret, so they didn't spend a lot of alone time 2gether. I was told that they were physical maybe a half dozen times during the first 4-yr A. The second A started while they were on travel 2gether, and they were physical only once (and a half?) in the year or so that it lasted. The secret emails continued until recently, though.

But because the secret was out, I only had 2 wait for the A 2 run it's course. At least they haven't seen each other in person in almost 2 years now. And my W just changed jobs, and he's no longer consulting for her, so no need for contact. I wouldn't be surprised if it continues for a while, sporadically, but I'm pretty sure it will get less desirable for both of them even2ally.

Lately, like in the past 3 weeks, my W has been a wonderful companion 2 me, so much so that I'm more confident that we'll work out in the long run.

I think your W's A never really 2k off, and wasn't ended by either one of their choices. Now, like I said on you other thread, you're entering a phase where the MB plans are most effective.

I'm betting it won't last, but like you said, it's prudent 2 go in2 plan B with the possible outcome of DV in mind.

all my best,
-2long

HOPEFUL_PERSON,

A little of topic but your affair is very similar to that of my WW. OM also moved and left everything behind. Though he's the one now not sure is he wants the affair to go on.

From your post you said,

"I remember the exact moment when he moved to this area two years ago when I realized--(and he'd been local only one week)to myself, "This is never going to work, what have I gotten myself into? This guy is difficult to be around all the time. He drains me completely, he's not a very nice person, really." My constant mantra from that point on was, "You dumb idiot, you left a wonderful man for THIS?" That being said, it still took a long time to get up the courage to end it with OM. After all, he'd given up a great job, home, etc, to be near me--and I felt awful not only for my marriage but also for how I'd treated OM as far as getting involved with him, and him moving, etc, for me."

Could you give me some more background on your situatuion?

Did you leave your husband for other man?
How long did it take you to end affair?
Did your husband know what you were going through or did you keep those thoughts to yourself?

thanks again for all your insight.

Glad I can be of some help.

You asked :
Did you leave your husband for other man?

Yes. The affair first began on the internet some five years ago and at that time I was seemingly close to my exH although he did work horrendous hours and was never here at night. He and I were having some normal problems, and exOM started out as a 'friend' who lended me an ear and gave 'advice'. I met EXOM in person five months after meeting him on the internet. My exH didn't like the internet 'chatting' I did, but he didn't come down real hard on it. My exH moved out two years after the affair began, but he didn't find out about the affair until four months later. He filed for divorce five months later as I refused to do it.

How long did it take you to end affair?
The affair started on the internet in 1998, and was going on long distance until 2001 when he moved here. Divorce had been filed about a month before exOm moved here. I ended it with OM exactly a year after he moved here, and he moved back to his area two days before my divorce was final.

Bottom line- It took a long time to end it. My exH never asked me to end it, nor did he ever show any interest in working on things or finding out what went wrong. I don't blame him for this, it's just his way.

Did your husband know what you were going through or did you keep those thoughts to yourself?

ExHusband didn't know what I was going through. We really only talked about the kids, although quite early after DDay I did beg for forgiveness and a second chance. I continued to do so, although I was still seeing OM. I'd built such a crazy emotional bond with OM I think I was terrified of being alone for awhile. Once in the spring of 2002 before the divorce was final exH did suggest dinner and a movie, but then he 'took back' the invitation a few days later.

It sounds like you're fighting for your marriage. You have a good chance of making it work out just fine!

If possible, direct her to the MB site. I first came here in the spring of 2002 when exOM was out of the country for awhile. When I read of the 'fog', and the whole explanation of affairs it was like reading about myself.

One more thing, I always considered myself a strong person before the affair--never manipulated by anyone, or so I thought. ExOM was a master at it, and said just what I wanted to hear. Your wife's OM might be doing this to her, too.

The relationship with OM was very sick, and he was verbally quite abusive. Mind games to the max.

No time to edit this...sorry, gotta go as kids need me.

Hope this helps,
HP