My husband is denying he had sex with the OW, said they only kissed! I kept his underwear from that night and tested them with a semen detector from checkmate. The results were positive all up and down the underwear! My gut instinct (before the semen test)told me he had sex of some kind with her. The next day he wanted to go stay at our other house. Said he has never been alone and he wants some space and so on. He had tried to get with the OW back in 2001 and I always thought he had sex or something with her then because of the way he acted towards me and the kids. All signs of him having an affair (I didn't realize this until after it was all said and done, not during). He treated me like crap! Also told me back then he wanted space and he wasn't happy and so on. I never found out if he had sex with her, because I never knew he was up to anything like that! He was going up to her work and calling her on the phone. He admits to NOTHING, just said they talked a FEW times!! But said he was sorry and he would never go up there again to her work (this was in 2001) or talk to her again. Well, he did start going up there again alone when she was NOT working. It is a bar and he would go with co- workers. With this latest incident I asked him if was going to stop going up there and he said yes, he never stated on his own he wouldn't go up there ever again. About 3 weeks later I found out he did indeed go there with a friend (I don't think she was working because I drove by later and her car was not there). I asked him if he did go back to the bar, very nicely at that. Well, he was very mad and wouldn't talk to me for 2 days. Didn't come home for break or lunch and still isn't! I cant even talk to him about it or he will get mad and leave and not talk to me, unless I catch him in the right mood! Also, I do not trust him at all! We live in a small enough town that I see her when I am out and about alone, and we see her when we go somewhere together, never in an establishment though. She has drove by our house(twice that I know of)right after this second incident! I am hurt, sad and angry all in the same day!

We have been married since I was 17 yrs old and he was 18. Been married for over 21 years now. We have three children. He works and I stay home, have always stayed home except for a few different jobs at different times throughout the years.

By the way, he acts ok right now, as in not treating me like he did back in 2001. He seems to want more sex after he was with her. He treats me good as long as I don't bring up the incident. Just doesn't seem fair to me that I cant even talk with him about it now! I have so many questions, but I am afraid to bring it up and start another fight.

My question is, how do I go about trying to help myself and our marriage if he doesn't even admit the truth? I believe in my heart he had some kind of sex. He totally denies it! Any suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!

I would suggest you start off by reading the information on the website regarding Infidelity and the Marriage Builders Concepts.

He likely had sex with her and he is not going to admit it to you unless you catch him. Most of us here have been there. It's the pattern of WSes.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I'm like you, having been with my WS for so long and feeling stuck.

Hang in there.

mimi,

I read the info on this website before back in 2001. I even bought the book back then - His Needs, Her Needs (I think that is what it is called) and read most of it. He didn't read it then and I don't know if he would now. I went and read through this website (again) about marriage and infidelity. I just don't know how to move ahead if he won't even ADMIT he had a PA. Should I tell him about the checkmate test? I could, but I am sure he would come up with some other lie. He just won't admit anything more and I want him to just tell me the truth! Can we even move ahead and be ok when he doesn't admit he did have sex with her? I am going to dig out my book again and start reading it today.

I hate this feeling again, the desperation of it all! I am sure you know what I am talking about.

Should I ask him if he wants to be with me, stay married to me? Or if he is happy? I don't know how to proceed with this. I know talking it out with him would be the way to start. I just don't want to hear the lies OR get in to a big argument. That never gets us anywhere!

Well, I am off to look for the book. I wish I could just find a way to get it out of him...maybe a lie detector test, LOL.

Thanks again!

Read Surviving an Affair.

The first step is called PLAN A.

Believe me, he will not admit it. You already know something went on. It's not going to make a difference in what YOU need to do for him to confess. The only person that you can control is yourself.

Yes, I need to go read plan A. I don't remember exactly what it is about! Is it in the book or on the website or both? I will look for it.

I want to help myself, I feel so stressed out! Snapping at the kids and feeling so grouchy! Not fair to them or me either for that matter. I need to think of other things, this is consuming me everyday!

Yes, I know something happened. Just makes me so mad that he won't admit it when I want him to come clean with me.

Oh, I feel like I am totally out of control for the most part..UGH!

He is at our other house right now working on it and it is all I can do to not go over there to get comforted by him! To reassure me, to make me feel better. I guess he can't really do that if he doesn't admit to the real thing!

I am going to read as much as I can with what time I have today. I don't want to be doing the wrong thing here.

I think I need to keep myself busy too. He actually has complained that I am always here at home waiting for him to give me his attention. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me cooking his dinner and looking forward to his return home from work! He certainly brags about how I can cook all this great food to his friends...doesn't make sense to me.

I am going to run to the local college and pick up a program guide. I think I need to prepare myself for the worse! I want to also take a class in painting or pottery. Just keep myself busy instead of sitting here at home thinking about all of it! Does this sound like something I should be doing? He wants me too, so I guess I should!

Ok, I am off for awhile. I will read some more on plan A when I can get back on.
Thanks mimi!