Ok here goes a long post. I really need help. I have been married for 7 years and together for 12. It has been about 1.5 years since D-Day. The best way I can describe things is by doing some kind of timeline. Here goes.

Nov 7, 2001 - WS reveals he has been having an affair
Nov 11, 2001 - WS reveals OW is pregnant, he is sorry , he cant leave.
Nov 2001-April2002- I allow OW into my home to be a part of my family since this innocent child will be a part of my life as well. My way of being civil, their way of continuing the affair.

April 17,2002- OC - baby boy is born, I decide then that I find out that WS and OW were continuing affair while I was working , they were here in my home in my bed on a daily basis. Needless to say, I said no more.

April 2002-Sept 2002-WS refuses NC. says this is his first child and he needs to see him on a daily basis, so I tell him to go be a family with OW and OC that I understand, he doesnt leave. He says he loves me and BLAH BLAH BLAH. And he doesnt stop seeing them daily. He tells me its not about her instead its about the OC.

Sept 2002- OW is pregnant again with OC#2, WS is furious because she was supposed to be on the pill, I tell him to get the hell out , I actually find it funny and laugh at myself , he begs me to give him another chance, we pay for her abortion, he stays again.

Nov 2002- contact resumes.

Dec 2002- after having gastric bypass surgery , I have lost 140 pounds and find out that I am pregnant with our 1st child. We tried for the entire time we were together and it never happened and now finally god has blessed us.

Jan 2003-current

WS starts going out on fri/sat's "w/friends" I notice that when he gets home, coincidentally OW starts calling and arguing, I of course put 2 and 2 together and start realizing he is with her. It gets worse as time passes, WS now doesnt want to be in a relationship at all, says that its to late he wants to be alone and will be leaving once our baby is born. He doesnt want to feel guilty by living with one child and not the other. So as it stands if you are trying to follow, he will be leaving when my son is born, he loves me but is not in love with me.

His reason for having an affair, I didnt pay attention to him, I never wanted to have sex and work was more important *granted I was the only one working for 5 years* but that is besides the point. I made all the changes in me, physically, emotionally. I have fulfilled all his needs and have had my love bank depleted. Even when every sign is there I brush it off to me imagining things and he isnt doing anything. But then OW wouldnt act the way she acts. I have found cards from her for Valentines day, fathers day saying how she loves him and stands by him and she understands why she has to wait, etc etc. But that all she needs in her life of sin is her boyfriend. She refers to him as her boyfriend, because he probably is in her world. I dont think I will ever understand why he would continue to put himself in the position he has. He will be leaving, I know in my heart it is the best for me and my son, it just hurts so much. I stood by him, I sided with him when it came to family , both mine and his. I accepted his child and do love him dearly (OC). Hell there is even a chance that I am taking care of their son while they are out till 5 am on the weekends together, but of course no one would admit doing something so ****ty to me. I am having his child and instead of me enjoying this new life I am constatly plagued with thoughts of what it is he is doing, he doesnt willingly show affection anymore, sex has turned into a task. and whats worse is he blames me for staying. I laughed at him this weekend and told him that he is a grown man and if he didnt want to be somewhere he has the choice to leave nobody can force him to stay not even me. Guilt and Concience are not two emotions these people share, they are selfish and dont care who they are hurting in the process. I dont think I am ready for him to leave , I dont understand what else I could do, the timing sucks as usual. But if he hasnt changed by now, and I have enabled him to be the man he has become how do I let go and realize that we, my baby and I can be happy without him in out lives? can someone offer some support. I am now 38 weeks pregnant and looking forward to holding my blessing in my arms. But my son doesnt deserve a broken mommy, he deserves a strong , protective mommy who can take care of him and right now I am not that woman. sorry for rambling, but I dont have anywhere else to turn.

P.S.

I have read the website, I have practiced the no LB's I have fulfilled his EN, he is not in a fog, he is not on the fence he is just a cake eater and I am an enabler. I cant afford a session with the harleys so please dont suggest it. I want to change, for me for my son, for a better life that I know I deserve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I want to change, for me for my son, for a better life that I know I deserve."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of changes do you want to make?

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

As I search for my lost post to see if I have any additional replies I become instantly frustrated with the whole support situation. It is sad that some people on this site gets tons of support and some people get one reply and then the post is lost. I know there is alot of supportive people who have been on both sides , either recovered or not who have valuable support to offer, but why dont they?

Well my reply to the question previously posed?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of changes do you want to make" </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to be a stronger me, I do not want to enable him anymore. My entire pregnancy has been about what if and when is he leaving, he hasnt left yet, and lately every single day we talk about him leaving and why. In my opinion, I have changed and done everything I can to make this marriage work, my WS never looked back long enough to give us an honest chance. Remember strictly my opinion here, he stayed because he didnt know anything else, because I have always been the one here. Where I stand now is I have been told so many times that he loves me but is not in love with me , he just needs time alone away from me. A normal day in my home is I wake up make cofee, breakfast, iron his work clothes, pack his lunch, and sit down to breakfast with him. I dont call him all day as this bothers him, I give him his space as he has asked for it, I clean the house, make dinner and am pleasant when he comes home. Sex whenever he wants it. IMO everything he didnt have before he had an affair. I smile , I laugh, I am his friend, I build him up, I pick him up when he is down, and once I start realizing he doesnt love me , us, our home or anything I do for us, is when I start crashing, I would much rather be alone dealing with the fact that my marriage didnt work, my WS had his own agenda that no longer involves me instead of trying to understand how this man can still put his arms around me kiss me and tell me he loves me. It seems fake, not sincere. He yelled at me last night and said "what do you want me to do? Lie about how I feel so that it wont hurt you? I cant help how I feel" So then I tell him to leave then , I understand why wait till the baby is here, he says he doesnt know when he will be ready and because I am so damn weak, it stays as is, I wont pack all his stuff and throw him out and he wont leave.

So back to what I want to change...
I want to be a stronger better me,
I want to accept that this is over and move on,
I dont want to hurt anymore,
I dont want to cry as much anymore,
I want to understand where he is coming from,

and what keeps me from all these changes is, I love my husband dearly, his well being is my main concern, regardless of how much he has done to hurt me and himself, I dont want him to hurt himself anymore and if he leaves he may regret it if I am no longer here, or is it that I am so damn afraid that he will leave and not look back.

Sorry for the long reply.

Wish this baby would hurry up and come out, I am so uncomfortable.

Thanks ahead to anyone who cares to reply.

I want to be a stronger better me,
become stronger by making changes...there is nothing you can do or can't do that make you responsible for his affair...
quit ironing.
quit making breakfast..
quit all of it...
you need your strength and concentration for your upcoming delivery...

no arguing...no power struggling...

If I were you...i would leave...write a plan b letter and go live with family or friends...today...
I would stop all contact....
he is toxic..if not abusive in my opinion and know I don't throw around terms lightly...

Remove yourself from his onslaughts of blame and excuses that any of this is your fault...

don't leave because of his actions...leave because of you...
I am leaving...because..

I can no longer live with the pain
I can no longer be in this house alone so I am choosing to go be alone somewhere else..
I no longer can stand to be part of a triange.

NOT one word about any of his actions or things he does or doesn't do...
that's what he expects from you...blame...defuse his defense...base it all on you...

want to accept that this is over and move on
those are not necessarily synonomous...you need actions to move on...and actions empower you...and can often lead to acceptance in little steps and stages...

and in all reality..you have played in to doing everything his way...
and it's not that he doesn't love you...
he doesn't love himself...at all....and is not capable nor worthy of you or your son...

he is so lost...in knowing anything about committment, intimacy, or cherishing....
and it is time for you to remove yourself from his chaos and hell...

this isn't over...by a long shot...
but he must live the consequances of his actions...

I want to understand where he is coming from,

he comes from idiot land...he comes from a world he believes he is entitled to hurt people and not ever be responsible....
there is no understanding that...

I am very very very very serious about plan b today..

I am very very very serious about you leaving him...

I am very serious about you realizing that you and your child deserve a home of peace and sanctuary...not living under the threat of tomorrow he may abandon you and his child...and the assinine thought that any thing you do will be the blame or cause of his abandonment...

this is all about you...
little about him...

peace to you and your baby..
ark

ok jessica-you've made the decision to change and become stronger for your child.(congrats by the way!) what have you done to implement these changes. first off you have to realize you are worth more than how you are allowing yourself to be treated right now. get emotionally strong. do it either by reading books or counseling. however, just do it.

you need to NOT allow this treatment any further. only you can controll that. you also have the wonderfull responsibility to raise a young man now. is this how you want to teach him? he will learn from your example. he will learn how to become a man from what he see's daily. keep that in mind. it is no longer just about you--it is about your innocent child now too.

Jessica,

I'm a bit of a newbie, but I've found the strength to get up on my own 2 feet and accept a life with OR without my WW.

Firstly, I would imagine you're feeling vulnerable because you're pregnant (my wife did when she got to the latter stages of pregnancy). But the good news is that children shift your focus completely and hopefully you'll soon find your natural instincts to protect your baby will give you the strength to be able to cope.

I know one of the problems I had was that I had become dependent on my wife as a source of strength, as I was trying to carry the weight of a hell of a lot of problems on my shoulders alone. However, when I found out about her A and managed to get my emotions under control (basically through realising NO-ONE on this planet NEEDS someone else - it's just a preference) I started to think about what I wanted to do with my life, on my own, no-one else to have to consider, the ability to be completely selfish (having kids IS selfish, because they bring you so much joy).

I basically came to realised that I was whole person and didn't NEED anyone else. Sure, my wife is still with me (they can't move in together until our respective houses are sold) and I'd still love her to choose me instead of him. But I am me and am a whole person without her.

It's a brave and exciting world out there that doesn't need your partner to be with you to enjoy it.

Well, lots of "me, me, me" in there. But strangely enough since making myself happy, wifey appears to be more comfortable in my company.....she may still leave, but this won't affect me making myself happy.

Sweetie, I feel your frustration in not getting some much needed support. Most of us just post back to those we know we can help. Your situation is different than mine, all I can say to you is that we do ALL care and admire you for seeking help; wanting to do the right thing.

I'll tap my feet with you in hopes that someone that has "been there" comes quickly to your rescure.

Bless your heart.

I soooo agree w/Ark -- please read and re-read what Ark said.

Congrats on the baby -- 9/7 is my b-day!!! It's a great b-day because sometimes it falls on Labor Day and you get a holiday!!!

This is from a song ... "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."

I think this true. You feel so much more alone when you are faced w/living w/someone you are not in a fulfilling relationship with. You end up feeling more LONELY. Because this person is there every day but you still feel lonely and alone.

If you move on and you are alone. You deal with it and start working on you. You are not waiting for your S to come home and pay attention to you or appreciate you and then S doesn't.

You are at the end of your pregnancy and your emotions are all over the place. Please be careful as all of this crap might lead you into post partum -- please watch for the warning signs and not be afraid to ask for help or talk to your doctor if the feelings become overwhelming. Do not try to go through post partum w/out help!

I HIGHLY agree w/ARK in re quit getting up and being H's mom. That's what you are doing right now and he is letting you. Let him realize that you are not going to take care of him like a mother and see where it goes from there.

Please think about Ark's advice re Plan B and going to live with family or asking H to move out. Make that first step and go from there.

Your baby is coming and you will want to shower all your love on this innocent child.