Well, we are now entering week #4 of no MC (we have been to 3) and week #3 of H not making time to meet me for lunch 1/week. We have been to lunch 2x. [H works 4-at least midnight]. Granted H has been working until 3 am most nights, I am willing to take a LATE lunch. And it’s only ONE day.
H said he had to work 10-6 Friday (his day off) but ended up working until closing so he didn’t get home until 1:30 a.m. I have said more than a couple of times that with this schedule, it is hard for me to be physically affectionate. For one thing, I’m dead asleep when he comes home. BUT I am a light sleeper & he knows this. So I have said when he comes home to come to bed and snuggle and that would be how I would receive some of the intimacy I need for me to feel the physical need. Told H that the only time he comes to bed is when he wants sex and he doesn’t seem to care then if he wakes me up so why does he use the excuse, “I didn’t want to wake you” when I ask why he does not come to bed to snuggle.
I ask how would he feel if he was the BS and I, the WS, was not initiating any of the effort it takes to rebuild M? He says he would feel bad. I say that’s how I feel. I’m the one who has to make the appts. I am the one who tries to coordinate it all. I am the one that tries to keep the communication open, etc. If I didn’t mention, “hey, we need to find some time to talk” he wouldn’t talk at all. This is how we were before the A, so I know now this is not good enough. Especially, since he seemed to be able to communicate w/OW via email or whatever when he was so BUSY then too. He says, no, it’s not the same as prior to the A because he is trying. I ask how. He says by going to the MC and trying to help me more around the house (first of all, it’s not a house, it’s an apt. so he doesn’t even have a yard to take care of – thus, not very time consuming to help pick up/clean the apt.). I ask why he never asks me to take a Friday off so we can spend time together since it’s his day off. He doesn’t respond.
So I ask to talk on Saturday. I had left a 5 page note the weekend before. He hadn’t even mentioned it, just said he read it. Didn’t even bring up needed to talk. So the kids are put to bed. I sit, he stares at TV, I say, are we going to talk? He says, oh, I thought you were watching TV. I say, no, I’m sitting here staring at you. So he says, okay, what do you want to talk about? IS HE REALLY THIS DENSE????? So I mention the note. He says he read it. I say, you don’t having anything to say? He says, I’ll try to be stronger in helping us rebuild. Then NOTHING.
What can I do to make him understand how I feel? To me, he is playing the I’m not going to do anything unless you do something for me (which he says he needs me to initiate sex more and that's pretty much it) first game. I think he thinks I am intentionally not initiating sex to punish him. I told him this was not true and that his hours do not help. And that by him not being affectionate whenever possible, doesn’t help either. And I think that he would be perfectly happy not communicating. He's got it made. Doesn't have to cook, clean, take care of the kids or communicate w/me. If I just jumped his bones on top of all that -- he would have "his" perfect relationship.
I feel like I have been in a 5 mo long stalemate. At least I didn’t have to deal w/trying to get him to end the A but this is torture too. So now it seems like we just snip at each other whenever we do finally get thrown together. For example, we were at Sears getting the kids’ pictures taken. The lady had said twice for H to quit jumping in to adjust something or other and to let her get the picture when she could. Well H did it again and I said, “*** don’t. Just let ****** be and the photographer will get the picture when she can.” H threw a stuffed animal my way. Yesterday, I was doing something and one of the kids came into the room saying something about the TV and H didn’t understand what he was saying. I said, “He’s upset that you changed the channel.” Well H throws a floatie (swim floatie) towards me saying, “He’s not stupid.”
I feel like he resents me. I have said this. He denies. I say this because of his actions. Does this seem like loving, trying to rebuild M behavior to you?
Help!!!
