PLEASE SOMEONE HELP I REALLY NEED HELP. I feel like I am going crazy, I feel like a total A$$, fool I do not feel good about myself at all. It is all my falt that I feel this way I know. I just beleived in him so much. My writing will not be that good my hands are shaking so bad and I am crying. So please excuse the spelling and bad typing.

If anyone is here to here me. I feel so lost! I do not even no were to begin so much has happened to me over the past 2 weeks. Lets start with a gut feeling I had. H said he had to go out of town for the weekend so he would not be back till late on Sunday. That means he would not be able to come over to see YSon Sunday. I said, ok He then said I'll come Wed, Thurs,Fri, all day Sunday. That sent off a little light. I got to thinking and I had this feeling they had gone to the beach, that he was lieing, so I drove by their house Sunday morning when I got off work and no car, drove there again tismorning and no car. I call his work and they say he went on vac for the week.

Now He knows we are in the middle of foreclosure on our house. I had to send the bank all of this information telling why the hardship and all and if we came up with 3000.00 they would see about stopping the foreclosure. So I ask him do you want to save the house he says yes. So I bust my A$$ off trying to talk to the bank and our attorney to save the house and we are filing bankruptcy. This is all do to this affair. We had great creit before all of this. So MY DUMB A$$ is doing all of this and I put the money I had saved to take the kids to the beach into this to save the house and even told him Me and the kids were to go to the beach Aug18, but now I guess we will not. That was last Sunday when I told him this and I ask him again are you sure this is what you want, why would you want to save a house that you would not be coming back to? He said you think I am not thinking and I am thinking about us. I am such a fool.

I have been working third shift taken on the bank the attornys while he is playing house with her I have had it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have Planed A my A$$ off for the past year and a half. OK SO I wait to call his cell.I just did that I here the ocean in the back ground. I said, I faxed the papers to the bank tismorning and they said that the bank accounts number do not match up with the ones on your check for direct dep. See I have know for awhile that he got another bank account just didn't want him to know I knew. The bank never did call it was a lie that I told him to call him. I said, I need you to bring that statement to work tommorrow or get it to me tonite and get it faxed to them. I wanted him to have to tell me were he was. He said I can't now. I here the waves in the back ground from the ocean and my voice was a calm as can be and I was shaking I said why not? I'm not at the house I'll get it to you Wed. I said why Wed we need to get it there now. I'm not back yet. O... I thought you were getting back late Sunday were are you? He paused. At the beach. I did not yell kept calm. I said, I thought you were my friend since you stop being my husband why did you lie. Your sons have been no were for vac since all of this has happened. Their money went towards the house. I don't know who you are anymore, you are not the man I married you have become a person we both could not stand or beleived in that is what you are now. You are not welcome here Thrus liked you planned. He said, We will talk about this Wed when I get there. Is what he said. I said, no you will not I will not be here but the kids will. Your days with them are the days you picked Wed,Fri,Sunday. He then said they would be at the beach if you would let me have them. I said, we talked about this and if you were going to stay with her then take them, if not do not mix the youngest son up in seeing you to together that was what the doc said. And you know it. He said we will talk later. I said, good bye and hug up. The oldest would not have went anyways and H knows that.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I can not write no more I hurt I am I don't know what I am anymore.Please what am I to do? The love I have for him is hanging there the hurting I can not take no more. I am tired of being nice and no one understanding how much I love this man and when I try to tell them about MB and the Planning and what I am doing they do not understand like you all do. They have not been in my shoes so they don't know what they would do if this happened to them. This is not what I thought I would do if it happened to me. I put it to you all, please be kind I feel so low right now and it is so hard to put on my happy face for the youngest but I will keep doing that for the pure love in these kids. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> THANK YOU!

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

bump

This is tough I know, the pain of betrayal is incredible, yet through it all, despite it all, we still love the WH. Go figure?
The thing is, our spouses are not acting at all like the men we fell in love with, married and lived with all these years. It's the fog of the A. They are addicted and don't see the pain and destruction that it causes the ones they love, you, your children, family, friends.
Me and my WH are also filing bankruptcy and the house is just months away from foreclosure if we don't come up with the property taxes. He also says don't sell the house, it would be hard on the kids. (I wonder if it would be hard for him to lose too, we built this house ourselves) I'm working all I can, my youngest is 4, then 12 & 16 and 18 yr. old out on his own. How much can a person do? WH lives 2.5 hrs away. 12 yr old taking this real hard.
Your vacation story reminds of this past february, when I found out that WH had spent $265.oo on a jewelry gift for OW just after he got laid off and then the following day I woke up to no heat in -15 degree weather with a sick 4 yr. old! Fuel bill was overdue, last delivery never made. WH says it was an oversight! I'd say a pretty bad case of FOG priorities!!
THis is typical WH behavior, it is not yours alone. That is what has helped me to hang on this long.(D-day, Dec.21, 2002)
I'm in Plan B now, you may want to consider it. Keep communication limited to finances and children only and get a friend to serve as a go-between as much as possible. It has helped me considerably. But it's still tough, if I see him at all or talk to him at all, it hurts for days after.
Don't listen to what non MB people have to say about "your" marriage. Only you can decide when it's over and time to give up, move on. They just can't understand. It's a hard position for a BS to be in, always trying to explain. I hate it. I know people think I'm some kind of sucker for pain. But no one knows the love I felt when our marriage was good.
It was tough for me too when I'd call WH for something and I knew he was with OW, while here I was holding down the fort, rushing here and there for sports, groceries, Dr.'s appts. and I'd call WH and he was just "getting out of breakfast" or "out" or "busy". UGGH. That's when I would lash out, get so angry, make phone calls to him, her, anyone. It had to stop, I had to get out of the triangle, it was just too painful and destructive for me. Thus Plan B.
Think about it. Let him feel what it's like to not have you to bail him out. Let him deal with the lawyers, banks, etc. Tell him you are taking care of the children and working, he'll have to do the rest, he seems to have so much extra time on his hands. It can't get any worse can it? I could easily take the responsiblity back for paying the bills, making the phone calls for late payments, etc. WH would be glad I'm sure. But I won't do it. Let him figure it out. I did it long enough. Put a daily dose of reality into his fantasy!
Got to go, but I wanted you to know that someone was listening and here for you.
Read up on the MB principles if you haven't already and consider Plan B. Post again and read lots, it'll help.
Take care. Be strong, your children need you now more than ever. It's what's kept me going even when I was at my lowest.

Hi No2nos

I been trying to look for your story, but you got so many edited posts that I don't think I got it right at all.

For what I take now is that your H wants to save the house but he is still into the A????

Some cake eating right?

You see? you are still giving him a safety net, and he is taking it with all the pleasure.

As I told ou I don't know much about you, but I tryed to see if you have plan B on him and looks like not.

Well your life is in turnmoil, and he is not helping, he is just giving you false hopes meanwhile he is still with OW.

Nothing is going to change until you make your changes. He is having such a great time now having his needs meeted by both of you, that he doesn't see a reason for the change.

Please consider plan B, and try to save all the finances that you can. If the house have to go for you to be in a stable possition then let it go, is not worth to have it drag you deeper into debt, consider in the future it might be you alone with your kids. Can you mantain all that by yourself?

Take good care

no2nos,

I'm so sorry for your husband's callousness. Plan A is not meant to go on for a year and a half...6 months tops...otherwise...exactly what has happened to you will occur. The men become cake eaters who get all of your love and the affair too. I can imagine how devastated you are right now. Don't you think it's time for Plan B. We can help you put the letter together and begin to show you how to protect what is left of your love for your H. I would also suggest getting some legal counsel to protect you financially. I wish I could reach through here and give you a big hug sweetie.

(((((((((((((no2nos))))))))))

Thank you Shuagh it is good to know I am not the only one. I do feel like a sucker. This is not the man I married. I wish I knew if it was false hope or not . When he is around I really do not feel that way. From what I have learned here he is a fence sitter. I just asked him two weeks ago if he was happy he says so so.If he whould have said yes, I would have said let me go then. We have been together for 17 years,and was together when we were teens for two years. We go back a long time my youngest just turned 5, the oldest 18. He was the one who found out about the A and had to tell me. I can not beleive that all of this has happened to me! This woman has taken so much from me. She will never take my pride. I do not know much about her.She has D,I think her mother lives with them. SHe works with him. I will keep posting and thanks to all. I am going to write my Plan B letter that is what will be for him when he gets back from the beach. Does that sound like the thing to do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Matilde thank you for your post and I hope I answered some of your questions.

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Star Fish thank you and I would take that hug to. Yes, I will post my Plan B letter and you all help me please! If you think it would help to do plan B or am I fooling myself? Again thanks for your time.

You've been given some very good advice, please take it... for yourself and your children.

Please get some legal counsel to protect yourself financially.

And yes write that plan B letter and post it here so the many caring people who have traveled down this road as well can help you with making it as good as it can be.

I am so sorry he is doing this to you. I have never been able to intentionally hurt anyone in my whole life and fog or no fog I will never ever understand how a WS can be so cold and uncaring.

Please take care of yourself and if you haven't already done so please call your physican and get him to prescribe you something to help you through this. Your children need your strength right now and you need to be able to think about this calmly and rationally.

{{{{{{{{no2nos}}}}}}}}

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: One_Day_At_A_Time ]</small>

n2n,

I think it is time for the Plan B yes. I can tell that you are losing the respect and love you have for your husband, and he needs to understand that there is a limit to the time available for his selfish pursuits.

Let me give you the guidelines for the letter:

Things that need to be in a PBL

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

It should be short and non-accusatory. The point of the letter is to let him know that you love him forever and want him to come home, but that you want to protect the love you have left before his actions destroy it completely.

I'm so sorry it has come to this. But some time to spend concentrating on yourself and protecting your feelings, may be just what you need. There is alot of support on this board for folks in Plan B. Everyone will help.

Hellow Mrs. Nose,

Wish I had some great ideas, because you seem to be hurting. Usually I just try to formulate some issues and questions to help posters think things through.

To Recap: You are filing bankruptcy to protect your family house from your creditors. You do not mention child support from your wayward husband. Will your income be able to keep the family house payments? Are the credit cards being discharged in bankruptcy? Do your have a car to drive? What about your teenager? Does your husband have equity in the house? If your husband has equity in the house, how is that being calculated into his child support payments? What about when your oldest turns 18?

You seem to have a lawyer who is helping you with the bankruptcy, but do you have a lawyer helping you with the divorce, and child support and husband's equity in the home? What is the amount of your husband's equity in the home? What are your husband's plans for helping with college expenses?

You seem to have a doctor who has advised agianst the youngest child being in the presence of the husband and OW. How can you assure this occurs if WH has the kids 3 days a week? Have you asked anyone about suing OW for alienation of affection? Do you have proof? Is it adequate?

I try to contribute to MB, and so do many others, but you might think about finding other sources of support such as a Caring Circle. Some Churches have groups by neighborhood or interests that meet occasionally for conversation and support. Churches will still welcome new members, even though your contribution will be small this year.

If nothing I have said is of any help, please still understand that I have felt your confusion in my own struggles. I have spilled out words that mostly expressed my frustarations. I have not solved my own financial marital budget. And I have tried to be polite to my wife to make things go smoothly, even thought I should probably be pulling more tightly on the reins.

May you find an occasional smile of your youngsters as a reason to carry on.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

Hi some help for you on

Plan B sample letters

And

Plan B Support here

Sorry I don't got much more to offer right now. Hope it helps

Now I have gone and read some Plan B letters that have been posted here. I took from some of them because it was what I was trying to say to H. My letter so far:

This is a very difficult letter to write. One that has been weighing on my heart for some time. The past year and a half have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness. I apologize to you for my part in creating a environment that helped make your affair with Ow possible. I foolish pursued making everyone else happy without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we and the kids are surffering from our mistakes. I just really need you to know how much I love you and more. How sorry I am for all of my mistakes that I made.
I have made mistakes in the past and I cannot change those. They say we learn from our mistakes and I know it is true, but I just wish the lesson didn't cause me this. What I have been able to do is recongnize those mistakes and I have learned from them so I can take steps to ensure they don't happen again. I help create a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. I do care about you. I can say I love you, but what I want to say is I am in love with you.
I hope you take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine and figured out what I can do. I have grown so that I can say I am proud of myself. I realize I have to take care of me now and the kids. I can only control me now and keep changing myself for the better. Only you can control you and change you,if you choose to. I am fixable, you are fixable, our marriage an family is fixable.
H I do not know what the future holds for us. That is in Gods hands. I know I want to grow old with you. When I said "I DO" I made you and God a promise for life. I ment it! Through better or worse. I want to rebuild our marriage. We cannot go back to what it was. I can't see that anyways, because I am not the same. I have grown since that point. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us happy. Then there will be no reason to separate. I want to be your wife, your best friend. Someone who will always be there for you when you need me. I just cannot see you or help our marriage as long as you are with OW. I will avoid seeing you.
I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to help you and support you as we work through this together. I will not be here when you visit. Please respect my wishes. If you want to communicate about sons or the house and all it will have to be over the phone. Please lets keep YS here at the house for awhile, till he gets use to not seeing mommy and daddy together. Then we will take it from there ok? You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I need to learn how to move on so we can both live fuller lives. I am sorry it has to be this way, but I cannot continue like this,hopeing, and praying, wishing,trying and feeling rejected continuousty.

THe old you is all that I want in a husband and a father and a friend. My door is always open, but you need to make the changes.
Love, Your Wife
Ok? Give it to me how bad did I do?

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Sorry, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I tried to put in into paragraphs but it did not work.

N2N,

Would it be okay if some of us did a bit of revision, shortening and adding paragraphs for you? There are just a couple of missing elements I'd like to make sure you get in there also. I'll stop by early in the morning and edit if It's okay with you. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thank You star fish that would be great. I am off to work will be on in the morning early. I did paragraph the letter it just went that way on my post don't know why. Thanks and I want to have this letter ready for H for Wed when he comes see Youngest son Zackary. Oldest still very hurt and upset with him.

Quipper, Thank you for your post and I will think on what you said. Yes, I have a car, Yes the credit cards will be discharged and the house is not on the bankruptcy. Yes, we have equity in the house. I only owe nine more years. Yes, I can sue her for alienation. It would be hard to keep the house, but I can do it. Child support he gives for that.

Dear H,

This is a hard letter to write, but I can no longer ignore the pain and emptiness of the last year and a half. I love you very much. I am in love with you. But I know it’s time to give up the fate of our marriage to God and I pray that he works through us to heal these wounds. When I said my marriage vows, and said “I do”, I made a promise to both you and God that I would stay with you for life. I meant it. To me, that meant for better or worse. I want very much to remain married to you always.

I realize that the mistakes I made helped to make our marriage vulnerable to this affair. I am sorry, and I have been working hard to understand and learn how to prevent those things from ever happening again. I have changed and become a better person and I want the opportunity to show you that I can be the wife and marriage partner you desire. I wish I could go back and change the mistakes I made in the past, but I can’t. I can however, address the things that hurt our marriage and change the future. I can be your wife and best friend, and I know our marriage can be saved if you will come home to the children and I.

The pain of this continued affair is so hurtful to me, that it is destroying my love for you. The only way to protect the love I have left, is to end any and all contact with you until you are ready to end the affair. Please honor my request and stop communicating to me in any way until that happens. When you are ready to commit to our marriage, and stop seeing OW, we can begin to rebuild our marriage and our future, and I wish for that with all my heart. I am not closing the door on our marriage. I am protecting my love for you from further harm. I will support you and help you when you decide to come home.

If you want to communicate about our sons, or about the house and all it will have to be done through email. Please, let’s keep YS here at the house for awhile, till he gets use to not seeing mommy and daddy together.

With Love,
N2N

I really think you need a different arrangement for emergency contact besides the phone….and intermediary or email….the phone is still pretty personal. But, if that can’t be avoided then it will have to do.

Hope this helps. I felt as though your original letter was too focused on “him”….this needs to be about you, how you feel, what you are willing to do. At this point, the main focus on him should be about ending the affair…..other than that….keep the letter about you.

These are my words…..so feel free to change them and adapt them to make them yours or throw out the parts you don’t like. When you add things, make sure that they are clear and concise and not repetitive or accusatory. Good luck. Hope this helps.

Thank you,I love it! All those words I wrote you took and put to short and to the point. I really do thank you for your time. H does not have a e- mail. I will see if I set one up for him if he would be able to use computer at work.

Ok, tomorrow I start Plan B. He will be back from the beach. I will leave the letter here when he comes to see YS. I hope I can do this.I am very scared this is the end, that he will not want our marriage. Maybe he does not want me. Are these question alot of people have when they start Plan B.

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

no2

This is not about him right now...it is about you and what you can and can not tolerate..

what you can and can not accept in your life...

what is less chaos and game playing...
what is more chaos and more game playing...

You should no longer want what he is right now...
holding on to hope and belief that it can be better is a different story...

how much more pain should you expose yourself too?
and at what cost to your self worth...

you deserve to be treated better...
the place to start treating yourself better is with you...

Godspeed to you....we know it hurts...but I beleive you will find less pain when it's not in your face...

ARK