We are in no danger. Just lost and I don't know how OW lives and I know she takes Pills because she can't handle her own daughter.H took him with out a car seat. H is not thinking clear he is thinking of himself not what is right that is what I am scard of. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What do I tell him when he brings him back I know he will bring him back he wouldn't be that dumb I know ere they live He wouldn't do that no.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

N2n,

Recoomend you check out the incident with the women's hotline in your area. The items you think may be minor may not be and the items you think are major may not be. So they may be able to give you support and a place to turn in time of crisis. Check out their options.

Here's my take, depending on the laws in your area, if a child is suppose to be in a car seat and is not, the police could pull him over. If the child is border line between using and not using a car seat, it may look ridiculous if you call the police over that matter.

If you feel your child is in any physical danger for being with someone who uses drugs (legal or otherwise) for reasons pertaining to their mental health (like the OW popping stuff), then you should also get advice on how best to identify and handle it.

Of course you don't want to make a bigger deal than reality so ask for that guidance also.

Now as to your H's foggy yelling. That is WS babble and right now that is the only language he can speak. Let him have his tantrums. The more he does this in front of other people, the more case you have to request protect at various levels. I am not saying your H is dangerous .... yet but if he keeps up this type of behavior he c/b. Again, advice from the correct source will help you.

Keep a clear mind and a calm heart. One of the symptoms the A is not that great is when the WS (esp the H), shows unstable attitudes. He has been living his lie and it is catching up. A man has a difficult time sleeping in 2 beds (even if he lives with OW). He has a family and this matter will haunt him forever. He knows he has abandoned his family and is desparately wanting to put the blame elsewhere so he can find some comfort or ease his conscience.

Your calm and cool responses (not sarcastic ones - LOL!!) will deflect his blame and put it back where it belongs. The more you do this the angier he will get. Consider his anger like a bad virus. You can't ignore it, you have to deal with it with the proper medicine. A shot of reality is a good one to begin with.

You don't live in his A environment so you don't know all that really goes on. Our BS imaginations make us sad if we imagine the WS happy. In reality the WS can't be happy so we the BS needs to take some comfort in that.

When I realized that point, I learned to encourge the contact since the WS was not living with us, I told him to let the OW meet ALL his needs. Was that sarcastic? Yes and I don't regret saying it. You see the OW only wanted some needs, just the fun stuff. Well she needed to have ALL of it.

U though, stay where you are at, surround yourself by your support group (including your children) and be calm and keep a clear mind.

You will survive.

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid. Did you let your son go with his dad to OW?

N2N - You are exhausted. I know from the tone and the emotions and a whole bunch of other things. And in your exhaustion, you still managed to keep in mind what you needed to do and get out of a bad situation. You're doing wonderfully well. You will survive this day, I promise it. You and your kids are going to be great.

Before you make calls to a women's shelter or the police, can you get a few hours of sleep or do something else to take care of YOU? How about a long, hot shower and then lying down on the bed even if you don't get any sleep?

And if you need someone to talk to, e-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com, and I'll send you a phone number. You're really doing well, truly you are. I know your husband's outbursts are terribly frightening, and it's important to remember that they don't last very long. All the things he's saying about it all being your fault? Those are NOT correct. They just aren't.

There is hope here, even though you don't see it right now. There is hope and tremendous strength in you. And it's exhausting, so take care of yourself.

THANKS JUST J AGIAN. I JUST WANT TO ROLL UP INTO A BALL AND CRY. I really am getting to the point were there is no more. I thought I was strong I really beleived it this bites a big one.
I want my son HERE and h. knows that.

O son said Zack asked him to go and see daddy new dog and snake so it sounds like Zack wanted to go I hope I CAN HOLD MY TEMPER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I feel really dum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> posting all of this I do. I keep think I am not the only one out there but right now I feel like I am. Thank you for your kind words they help alot.

Here is your mantra: Every time your H says that you are making things worse, remember, "Things can't get any worse! He is living with another woman!" Things for HIM are getting worse -- but they hit bottom for you some time ago. Keep reminding yourself. Nail this in your head so that when a thousand thoughts go screaming through your head in the face of his anger, this is the one that will be foremost.

J is right. You are tired. I suffer from chronic insomnia -- it turns me into a neurotic b*tch faster than anything else. I've been on atavan, but one can acclimatize to that quickly. Have you tried melatonin? I've used it on the road. Try to sleep at the same time, same bed, same place -- try to keep it all very familiar. Sleeping away from home always tips it off. Don't know what your work schedule is liking, but if you can arrange to sleep in in the mornings, that would be great. By the time I finally fall asleep at 4 or 5, it's murder if you have to get up at 7.

N2N - Do not panic about Zack being with your husband. I know this is hard, but you have to separate the grown-up stuff from the kid stuff. Your son is with his daddy. That's a GOOD place for a son to be, not a bad place! No matter how hard it is for you, try to believe it. You should not be afraid of your son being with his father. You should be glad that they're spending time together.

Now, get some shut-eye and stop posting to us!!

A.M.Martin, You are so right and I thank you for this--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is your mantra: Every time your H says that you are making things worse, remember, "Things can't get any worse! He is living with another woman!" Things for HIM are getting worse -- but they hit bottom for you some time ago. Keep reminding yourself. Nail this in your head so that when a thousand thoughts go screaming through your head in the face of his anger, this is the one that will be foremost.

And I will NAIL it to my head thank YOU! That makes me come down a little off this spin <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am on Thanks.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Just J. I know nothing of OW that is what bothers me.I know what little H has let slip about her and her Daughter. When her daughter throughs a fit she has to go lay down and take a valume what ever and how ever you spell that pill. Zack is a very active child. I am very glad for him and his dad to be together. I would never stop that for my child.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Ok, imagine your favorite older female authority figure.

Now imagine her standing by your computer saying, "Hon, get off this machine."

And then imagine her saying, "It's time for you to go do [the most relaxing thing you can think of]."

Now go do it.

OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by No2nos:
<strong> ........O son said Zack asked him to go and see daddy new dog and snake so it sounds like Zack wanted to go I hope I CAN HOLD MY TEMPER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I feel really dum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> posting all of this I do. I keep think I am not the only one out there but right now I feel like I am. Thank you for your kind words they help alot. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">N2n,

In my case, the WS never took our child around the OW. So no-one ever saw 'Orchid' fly off the handle. I sympathize with your situation.

Now let's help you stay stronger because those down time will come. Being prepared will not eliminate those feelings but will help make them easier to hanlde and shorter in duration.

I must remind you that you are not 'dumb'. As for your WS taking your child to see the dog and the snake, is this the first time he is seeing the OW and WS together? Which one is which? LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Yes it is there first meeting. H is the dog they are cute sometimes, and Ow is the snake for being sneaky,slimy and we all want to kill when we see one in (our yards!) and the forked tounge for what they say about the BS to our H. Thanks for the smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> They still are not back yet.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Didja have a nap and a shower, not necessarily in that order? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Zack is back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My head is in a spin. I'm thinking what you said A.M. Martin. It just has not set in yet, maybe the pain from the nail is just off setting it.

H talked when he came back, I don't want to talk about it now will tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Zack had alot to say about going to OW. Its hard to act happy for him, but I will. I don't think he should be there if his father is not sure what he wants, and you know what I really don't care what he wants anymore, a big deposit was taken from me today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I wish he would had not come early, H knew what he was doing I fell right into it. I tried to do what was said here, I kissed Zack, told him to have a nice day with his daddy and out the door, I still had my slippers on. I grab my shoes and off I went.Thats when he followed me outside and said what I told earier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I want to thank everyone here that helped me threw the day as I flipped out, I'm sorry and Just J, no I didn't do none of the above, I am going now to get my shower and get ready for work. My mind won't let me rest so I went and cleaned Zacks room up.

Thanks To ALL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Excellent! Cleaning is a great form of soul-cleansing, too. I do it all the time. It makes my house nicer anc calms me down a lot.

You're doing very well, N2N, slippers and all. That's a great image! Now that you know he's likely to show up early, be out of the house before AND after. Or arrange somewhere else to meet him. Or arrange for someone else to meet him. And why, by the way, is your WH in the house at all? You can meet him at the door, kiss Zack, and shut the door behind them, yes? Yes!

Anyway, you did absolutely wonderfully yesterday, learned a lot about how your WH is going to try to circumvent the no-contact stuff, and can now plan for next week's efforts. Yay! Progress each day.

And get some sleep!!

are you OK..
ark

bump^^

Thanks Ark I'm doing ok,I feel like I have failed my Plan B. Ark he really took a big part of me this Sunday. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It is almost like being back at day one. Were is the man I married or was I that blind all of those years?

I am so lost in thought, I would love to wake up and have a normal day and I have tried many of times .What did I do? ALL I DID WAS LOVE SOMEONE, I gave him my heart and soul. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am so mad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I thought I was doing so good. I was beleiving so much in myself. I know most of what he was saying was fog, but you know what it still hurts. I want you to know it was you that I heard in my head the whole time, he was feeding me his crap and I stayed calm the whole time thinking of your one liners for him and orchid telling me breath take a few deep breaths and Sparkle and Just J, saying hang on tight and you'll be ok.

Thanks guys for everything!

Sooo you got a big butt whipping off the plan B wagon...

I'm here to tell you that his words have little to no meaning if they were about YOUR actions be responsible for his current behavior, actions, and choices...

NO MATTER how he says differenlty....NO2

What did he say that can't be debunked??

where are you now..
continueing no contact..it may be a relief...

what unreasonable demands did he make of you to dangle some type of resolution

have you talked since then??
ark