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Here are some of them. I am the one doing damage to this marriage by this letter and making it worse by staying away.(if this is a marriage I don't want it!) If I go on and leave that is it, he would not do another thing for me. (he is never here to do anything) It would be over and he would want to pick Zack up at a drop off and so on and so on,and on and on.I had my say for the first time, I didn't hold back and I will say I stayed calm through it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> AND Ready for the BIG ONE its my falt all of this happened. He will not take no blame for it. Thats all I need to here. I told Him I will not take all the blame and he needs to grow up. I told him thanks for showing me how far I have grown in the past two years and it is a shame he is still the same and has done no growing. I was in my van now and he came down to it and said I'm telling you if you go you will do this marriage in. I said you leave three times a week and its ok for you, now its ok for me to do it. I left. I came back two hours later and they had left a hour or so after I did and he took him to met OW, at their house. When they returned I acted to be in the best mood and acted so happy for Zack. That was the last of it, and today is another day. I will stay with Plan b, but I am not sure if I even want that. I'm getting the feeling I might not want it, the marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Enough is enough! Thanks to all <small>[ November 19, 2003, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>
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No2:
From my understanding, one of the values of PLAN B is to lock in your love for your WS. If you continue to have contact with him while he is in the fog you will feel like you are feeling now, that you don't want the marriage anymore. You really do want your marriage I think. You are being hurt too deeply by him.
Speaking for myself and my experience, MB can really work. My FWH is really "in love" with me now. When I was in your position, I never thought this would happen. It seems like a miracle but it took lots of hard work and effort on my part. The key was me following the MB principles as close as I possibly could.
Do PLAN B, NO 2.
GO COMPLETELY DARK!!! This was my mantra from folks on this site. It really works. My WS began to long for me and he had to find his way back because he thought I was gone forever.
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Stay with plan b to protect yourself from his insane talk...
What he is saying is riduculous...
you know it...and even more importantly he knows it...
It sounds like you did really great and his actions sound typical..
No2 this has just begun...his rally against plan b will continue and may even escalate some..it is very important you do not feed into his actions...
He needs to realize that you said what you meant and meant what you said.
He needs to realize that if wants to talk to you he better figure out a different way than threats...etc...
hold tight my friend..
If he is coming today consider being gone the whole time if possible...
what about MIL being home when he comes to get her...
bet he's asking her lots of things about you...
peace to you..
i know you are sad...alternatives are though..
1. return to being visited by husband who lives with OW and have him be cheery and nice pretending all is perfect three times a week in your home.
be happy in each day you aren't exposed to his mumbo-jumbo...
ARK
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Thanks guys and I am staying Plan B, what do I have to lose? He is already in her arms.
NO TO YOUR #1 ARK!! Like I said enough is enough!
Thanks to All and God Bless.
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What was my mantra? Remember: "It can't get worse for me!" He keeps threatening you with the marriage being over. HE IS LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN; FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES IT IS OVER ALREADY! He can't threaten you with anything -- he has already done his worst. Keep remembering. It is getting worse for HIM, not you!
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First:
{{{N2N}}}
OK, that's done. Now, I am going to get just a little tough.
I am very tired of seeing you put yourself through this. I am tired of this mess making you have sleeplessness, not eat right, be upset, cry bucketfulls of tears.
And every time you allow this man to contact you, to "get to you" you start all over again with the misery. I don't want to see you live like this, N2N.
Now, you may not believe me, but I can say from personal experience that what they say about Plan B is accurate. In the early stages you pine away, you wait by the hour for some contact from your WS to say they have come to their senses, want to come home, they are desperately sorry and together you will ride away into the sunset and live happily ever after.
You very, very, very gradually realize you have stopped the fairy tale thinking. And suddenly, at about 3 months (at least it was for me) of totally no contact
I'm sorry - did you hear me? totally no contact ...
one day you wake up - you realize what a beautiful, God-given day it is. You realize that first - before you think about your WS
and when they will come back. You feel the peace of the moment. You feel like you can breathe fresh, clean air for the first time in months (God, months? Maybe it is really years!) and you start to feel like a real person, with some self esteem and self respect.
Do you want to feel better? Do you want to experience that day I just described? Of course you do!
Now, N2N, every time you permit your WH to get in your face, you push back the timetable. You delay any progress (even though you haven't felt it was "progress" it was, just through the mere passage of time) of moving toward that goal of waking up to the feeling of peace.
I know you want to get there. I know you want to climb out of this pit of absolute misery and sadness.
Can you trust me? You have to empower yourself. Let us help you build a rock-solid plan that will keep your WH out of your vision, out of your hearing, out of your life. A true, strong, Plan B.
What can we do to help? We care!!
*S*
<small>[ November 21, 2003, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>
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N2N, listen to Sparkle. Sparkle is one smart, err, .... spark! Yeah, that's it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Truly, though. You are a complete mess and we all know it. It hurts us to see you going through this.
(Are you on anti-depressants, by the way? If you're not, you should be.)
So please. Stop this cycle. For your own sake, stop having contact with your husband. It's hurting you. Please stop allowing yourself to be hurt.
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OK guys, he is the one who showed up forty mins earily Sunday. I did what I was told to do I kissed Zack and said have a good day with daddy and went out the door with my slippers on, and shoes in hand, I didn't even stay to put them on. I did not want to see him. I got no sleep when I got off work that morning, I stayed up so I could get out of here before he got here. Please do not think I want,wanted contect with him! I do not! He even said something about Thanksgiving Sunday and I can here Ark in my head and I said it "who invited you anyways?" H said, He is my son to. I said well then you can come get him in the morning and have him back by 3:00 and I'll have him for the evening. He looked shocked and didn't say no more about it and you know what I am not even going to cook this year and I love doing that very much. We are going out to eat, so if he does try and make his way for Thanksgiving won't be here.. I mean it you guys I have had it. You have to empower yourself. Let us help you build a rock-solid plan that will keep your WH out of your vision, out of your hearing, out of your life. A true, strong, Plan B. BRING IT ON. You guys keep backing me,guide me and I'll do ok. Look were you got me at now Plan B, you all did that and I thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <small>[ November 20, 2003, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>
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No2
Don't misunderstand we are well aware that it is he that is barging in and being intrusive...not you seeking it...
Our stance is to protect you from his continual pain and ineptness which will surely escalate before he see's as Dr. phill would point out..
How's this worken for ya???
As much as plan b may speak of moving on and away from the WS...
I view plan B on a more somewhat loving level..
I think plan b states I can not be part of a triangle.
that a triangle is not now nor never will be my vision of marriage and while (you)the WS may really believe that somehow it is or can be normal I simply do not share that belief.
I think plan b also clearly states I can't control the WS
I can't make the WS _______
I can't tell the WS______
But what I can do is remove myself from being part of it...
I also think plan b is about believing enough in the Ws to not be condoning their own behavior...
that it is painful to watch someone you love be such a horses [censored]...
and those that stick with a horses [censored] are pervously enablers and too voyeuristic in my opinion.
Engaging with a WS spouses chaos sucks you in like watching a train wreck...you reach a point you can't turn away...
Don't lose sight of the love in plan b either No2.
It is an new defining act in your life where you say I value YOU (WS) and myself and my children to much to pretend any differently...
and nothing will take me back to changing the defintion of friendship, marriage, and commitment.
you sound good...
ARK
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Just J, (blushing)...thanks for the compliment. OK, so it's a gender question, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Maybe I am just President of the S ociety for the P revention of A ffairs through R elationship K nowledge, L eading to E cstacy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyway... N2N, Like ark said, we DO understand it is not of your doing. We know it is your WH who is blindsiding you...showing up unexpectedly, coming to the house, etc. Now, here is your assignment: give us a list of the things WH is doing to get in your life, to be in front of you, to prevent (here I go again) totally no contact . We brilliant, beautiful, handsome, talented amateurs can come up with some approaches you can take to prevent the contact. We care!! *S* <small>[ November 20, 2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>
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Well, there were three possibilities: - One smart cookie, but sparkly cookies somehow didn't seem quite right. - One smart girl, but I didn't know if that would apply - One smart boy, but see above. So I stuck with the known. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I do like the Society, though! Can I be a member? And N2N, remember what Mortarman says about wargaming and training. You figure out all the possible scenarios that you may have to deal with, and then you figure out how to either prevent them or get through them unscathed. That's what we wanna do here. I think you handled the situation beautifully, given that it was unexpected. Now that you expect it, we just make it so he can't use that one again. Not that I have a good answer for how to do a no-contact when he arrives early. Anyone else have ideas here?
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N2N </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not even going to cook this year and I love doing that very much. We are going out to eat, so if he does try and make his way for Thanksgiving won't be here.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Great plan! See, you already have the thought processes going in terms of how you will avoid contact with him. Bravo! *S*
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Hey No2 It's your weekly stalker call.. that would me.. Ark the stalker... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I pray you are well...
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Thanks Ark, Sparkle, Just J, I am doing ok, on one of those rollercoaster rides of life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My very dear friend came for Thanksgiving and we had a good time. She was here to help me through it and she did. She arrived Wed. evening and I had her call me on cell phone when she got in to let me know so I can get back to the house. H was still her when she arrived he knew she was comeing. They got to say their Hello, which I will say was very cold hello from her towards him,that bothered him very much. He stayed just a few mins and before he left he said what time tommorrow?(for Thanksgiving dinner) I look at him and said I am not cooking. Friend said, I told her if she cooked I was not coming and WE WILL NOT BE HERE TOMORROW. We are going out to eat and we're taken the boys to the movies.She brought her Y son with her. The look and hurt on his faced killed me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I could feel it shoot right through me. Make a long story short we were not here for dinner and neither was he, had a good day but that empty feeling was there. I am hanging in there, it is hard and makes me very sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> What do I have to lose. Thanks and I will write more Thrus. nite I am off. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks To ALL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <small>[ December 02, 2003, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>
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hold fast no2..
you are moving gracefully through treacherous waters...remember the only other option he offerred you at this time...
was too pretend that thanksgiving was big happy family...and then leave you...
seek solace and strength that you have decided and placed yourself in a position that says no more...
I wish you well...
take deep breaths...
and fill your soul with your freedom from deceipt...
ARK
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Thanks Ark. I really feel that I will not be one of the MB stories to write about. I am feeling to empty inside and I am tired. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I can say I, me have tried. If he wanted me and this family he would have been home by now. My date that I have set for myself is comeing soon. I have let go already.God will guide me to were I am to be in my life and I give it all to him, I put it all into his hands. Nothing has changed from me doing Plan A,to Plan B, so I must be looken at Plan D. I am ready to close these wounds they hurt and the time that it has taken me. I have tried all battles. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I want to thank you and everyone for your time and help. I am not leaving MB. I just don't see what more can be done. I will still need you all to get me the rest of the way,so please don't stop. Thanks to ALL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <small>[ December 09, 2003, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>
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No2 couple of questions for you.. are doing a strict plan b...with no contact between the two of you... and are you able to take this time and really focus on you and not your expectations of his reactions to this or that... are you able to and have you just done what you wanted wanted regardless of his response... have you done for yourself... Also has it illicited any changes in him... what has he said to you about it.. what has he not said.. also remember that you still have option of a plan b letter to the OW>...I know you feel strongly that talking to her is stooping to a lower level...or that it betrays your husband... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but that is still an option... also you could and perhaps should take some time away from you.. nursing is stressful... I work nights as well...at times and it can mess with you big time.... and also the illusion that you are moving on to other interests...and I realize that while advocate this a lot..it is not in I'm dating or seeing someone...it is in a "I'm not going to sit at home like you expect me to while you are out... " remember what the options are that he has offerred so far... coming over and playing pretend..while it was known and comfortable..and we humans will cling to even negative attention being better than no attention...was that really better for you.. and NO2 the answer is yours alone... it could be it is or was better when you and he played make-believe...but you came here saying you couldn't take it any more... I know I couldn't...I would have escalated into something and someone that would be a stranger even to me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> you did well... No2 if you are not in strict plan b...consider taking it up a notch... If you ask me..(which I realize you didn't.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).....I would give it some more time.. and focus it back on you and not focus on what you want or believe his response to be... just you and your own place in this universe regardless of his actions... find YOUR footing... ARK
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Don't give up. Keep your faith!
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Thanks Guys. Yes, I am doing a good Plan B. Thanks to All. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <small>[ December 12, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>
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