No2, I'm glad to hear from you and I'm glad you're stronger. How long was your Plan B? How much contact did you have with your husband during it? (I'm not challenging you, here, I honestly can't remember!)

I started Plan B at the end of Sept. and I gave it till Feb.That was two years that he has been gone. I was told I was in Plan A for to long so that was it. I set date for that what more can be done.If it was going to work he would have been home or making some kind of move.

Took youngest to the doc the other day for his shots getting him ready for school, he starts this fall and he told the doc that his daddy doesn't live with him no more. My heart broke. She had asked how long and I told her and she even said that he was not coming back. If he has been gone that long he staying that it sounded that he is scared to get the D.

I don't know Just J I love him but... what is there for me to keep hope? I thank you for your time. I do feel more empty inside then I ever did before and that is not good.

No2, only you can decide what you're going to do now. I'd suggest prayer or meditation, calm, and finding a sense of peace.

And then take calm, clear action.

Also, you didn't say how much contact there was while you were in Plan B?

Hello all it has been a long time. I haven't been here for many reasons.
I have looked in and read from time to time
My grandmother had a stroke.
My very dear friend lost her baby. (First time pregnant) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I have looked hard at the life I have been living for myself and my children and that lead to me letting my feelings out to H.

That did not go well for him but......
I felt just fine when I was done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
He didn't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> all he could do was call names and point fingers.
I don't have to tell you all what was said because I'm sure you have heard it before.

Want!??? I think I have one that he may have said that nobody heard before. I said (in a silly way) in the middle of are "talk" maybe all I need is laid you know it has been awhile. He looked at me I put on my google eyes and he said that wouldn't be right. I said, what to have sex with your wife? And you call me crazy. Aren't you saying that to the wrong woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That was when I saw it all so clear. I mean there he is trying his best to take me down with his words and it didn't work and I could feel the smile growing on my face it just hit me. No wonder he said I was nuts.lol

The last thing he said was I have not even began to play dirt with you about YS(I won't let ow around him) and I don't give a F### about what your saying and how she feels I can just go my own way. I said OK with a smile. Then he said, the affairs were wake up calls for you.

Now it does hurt me to see him so lost and hurting but I can't help him till he to finds who he is or the man I married comes back into his body.

Sorry Ark and all it took so long for me to take that step to were my feet are not stuck in the ground in one place no more.

Now the reason for my post.
I SEND THE BIGGEST THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU IF IT WAS NOT FOR YOU ALL HERE I WOULD MORE THEN LIKELY NOT BE HERE. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THAT IS HERE WITH THIS PAIN JUST TO KNOW YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE AND THAT SOMEONE CAN REACH OUT THRU ALL OF THIS FOR HELP AND WE HELP EACH OTHER THE WAY WE DO IT IS THE BEST!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I read something here I think ark wrote it. Ya... I miss ya ark. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
"THIS IS MY HILL"
NOW TO ME THAT IS SAYING I WANT MY MARRIAGE, I'LL DO WHAT IT TAKES BUT I MUST NOT LOSE WHO I AM IN THIS FIGHT.

I will and can say I really found out who I was in all of this.

A SURVIVOR

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Proud of you, no2nos. I've continued to read your posts, and since I'm the first one who told you I thought you should go to plan B, I have often felt bad about the turn of events for you...

But its amazing how "Mr Nice Guy" can turn nasty when he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, too.

What you find out of this...is yourself, and the strength you have inside yourself...its painful, but you have to grow, in order to survive...

I am going to share with you something. My mom died about 3 weeks ago, and we had her funeral on Memorial Day. My dad left my mom when I was 12 for another woman, a girl who was a teenager when he got involved with her (she reminds everyone of that publicly at every opportunity), and although he has the greater responsibility, she proved herself over all the years we have known her (35 now) to be an A-1 B***h. Well, it turned out, to everyone's shock, that she didn't have the sense to stay away from my mom's funeral - in fact, my Dad wanted her to be there, too. So my sister and I, with the help of our cousin, and the support of both my mom AND my dad's family, banned her from coming to the funeral and the reception afterwards. It was the first time in our lives that my sister and I have been able to say no to our Dad. Now that my mom is dead, we don't have to worry about hurting her any more...and you know what? Mr Nice Guy, our Dad, blew up at us...the day before our mother's funeral and told us we were WRONG, blah, blah, blah. He said "This is going to make life very hard for me..." What a pathetic creature! My sister and I just looked at him and politely said, "We know."

You know, I have to tell you this, because I am the child of parents who divorced over an affair. My mom did everything in her power to maintain us having a relationship with my Dad and to get him to live up to his responsibilities and support us. The other woman was a manipulative B***ch, who claims to love us, claims to have cared :"so much" about my mom, and yet has been overheard screaming at my Dad when she found out my Dad was paying my mom alimony...ya know, it sucks. I've lived almost my whole life in this triangle, and it sucks...

Why am I telling you this? To show you that a WS never changes, unless he can get off his high horse and admit that he is wrong and commit to the marriage. From being here at MB, I learned the skills to deal with the conversations I had to have with my dad, when he was exploding at my sister and I, and earlier, at my H. Boy, was that a roller-coaster ride - and...I didn't LB, or feel guilty about what I was saying to him - I just kept hearing all his incredible FOG, even after being divorced for 35 years...it was amazing....

What I saw was a WS, still stuck in the fog about the OW - that she is this wonderful person who loved his kids and even felt sorry and cared for his ex-wife...on the other hand, she is such a bi**h that if she doesn't get what she wants, she makes his life totally miserable, so we should all humour her so his life won't be so miserable....and what is that? SELFISH...this man had a wonderful wife and three beautiful kids....who does he think of first? Himself...and her....even on the day of our mother's funeral...who's feelings were foremost in his mind? The OW's, and his own...not ours, his own children..nor the feelings of our mother's family...his and hers....it was pointed out to him that the feelings of our mother's family were those which were most important on the day, and he grudgingly accepted that....

I have been home for a week, and I haven't heard from him....is that sad, or what?

The pain of affairs and D last a lifetime....but you CAN protect your children and yourself from this...by standing up for yourself...and you CAN recover your strength, your integrity, your well-being and your loving heart....

My dad is the saddest person I know...my sister and I both know him well and see that he is someone who failed to live up to the best in himself....but that was his choice...and it was his life....neither of us feel any sympathy for him anymore....

I, on the other hand, finally feel GOOD about me, and about my life...and I KNOW that this kind of pain does not have to destroy a person.

What I learned from my mom? That when your back is against the wall, concentrate on being the kind of person YOU want to be, not on what others are doing. I saw the kind of tribute people paid to my mother on her funeral day - her light shone as bright as the brightest star....be strong No2nos....it matters for your kids that YOU be a lighthouse in the dark....

God bless,
LIR

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

LIR...hope you and family are doing well...with your recent loss....

NO2...you always make me smile.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when your back is against the wall, concentrate on being the kind of person YOU want to be, not on what others are doing...it matters for your kids that YOU be a lighthouse in the dark....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, LIR, I needed that...

Hope you are OK, no2nos.

Thanks ark and AM - I'm doing OK - and I'm glad what I had to say helped someone.

I don't want to hijack No2nos thread, so I'll just say that I'm doing fine and I'm going to post about my mom's funeral soon - its something every WS and BS should read, but I will have to work on it for awhile - I don't want to ramble.

My mom went through more hell, during her marriage, during his affair(s), and then afterwards than most people on these boards - I have read a lot of stories and hers would make your hair stand on end - and yet...all these years I have still loved my Dad, and so did she. But after her funeral, I find I have no love left for my Dad. I have only pity. At 79, he is a shadow of the man he could have been, and still as self-indugent in his behaviour as he was during the affair. All of my life, I have been trapped by the love I felt for him, and needed from him, as his child, and the anger I felt at what he demanded of us (total acceptance of the OW), and at how he had betrayed my mom and ruined our family.

I keep thinking of that story they say - that your life is like a weaving, a tapestry viewed from the wrong side. Only when the shuttle finally ceases, and the life is over, are you able to see the other side, and see what God was weaving in the tapestry - that's what happened after my Mom died. We always knew she had suffered much, but never realized just how much, and to have managed to remain the loving, dedicated mother, kind and patient person she was in the face of such injustice - not totally embittered by the hand life had dealt her - that was a supreme accomplishment.

What she taught me was that you have a choice - the choice is to be the person you want to be. You do not have to be overcome by hatred and bitterness. During the long years after her divorce, and she had profound reasons to hate my SM, she got her chance to wreak revenge - my SM is very unstable, and at one time, she was on the edge of a breakdown. She actually called my mother and sobbed on the phone that she had "stolen your H. You can have him back. I hate what I did to you." Along with a lot of other stuff. My mother could tell that she was raving, and out of control emotionally. She said in that moment she realized that she could have pushed her straight over the edge, all she had to do was respond with condemnation and twist the knife. Instead she patiently calmed her down, put down the phone and called my father, who went home to help his wife. That's the kind of person my mother was. She said she didn't want to do to herself what taking revenge would do to her. She chose to live her life humbly, chose her own self-respect, and dignity. And that is how she became a lighthouse in the dark for me. I don't know what would have happened to me if she had not been that kind of a person. I really don't.

Take care, all
LIR

Lady In Red, Thank you so very much for sharing about your Mom who was so very special in your life. I hope you and your family are doing well. Please you are not hijacking here.
What you wrote was taken to heart very deeply,{{{Hugs}}} and God Bless.

Ark, HI and thanks

AM Hope all is going well with you.

Looked for a lawyer today, I think I found a woman that I like and she does not charge an arm and a leg. I will be getting separation papers.

That is the first step for me and I will sit back and let ow keep LB her butt of to H and I will be trying out life without so much weight on my back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have never done that, I was always trying to keep everyone else happy and pleased that I forgot about me.

No one else is responsible for my happiness but me. When I quit looking to everyone for my happiness something's came clear to me, I am responsible for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know I am taking baby steps but, they are steps and not standing in the same limbo.

THANKS TO ALL AND GOD BLESS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>