I am preparding to confront OM and W with the knowlege that I have been viewing phone bill all along through internet access. I realize this is last tel. bill I will ever see. But the effect of this meeting will have had a major effect and I don't think I'll need to see anymore bills. My thought was to have OM over to my home and talk to him while W is out. Then when W returns let her know what we have discussed while OM is still present. I will not involve his GF. And while I may let him know I know about the ONS I will ask him not to mention to my W that I brought that aspect up. If he tells her later that would be fine and further end the fantasy. But I just want to let him know how serious the problem is and I think without mentioning the ONS he will dismiss the problem. Anyway I need some encouragement and suggestions to reinforce that I am doing the only thing I can do to save my M. FYI latest tel bill revealed 34 calls to OM. I keep asking W if it's harmless why does it hurt me so much. I could use some emotional support.

Is your W doing most of the calling? If so, I would talk to your W first and not the OM as she is the one pursuing him.

You have to be very in control of your feelings if you want OM present. I don't think I could have. I don't think I would have gotten violent in front of OW, but I think I might have lost it emotionally -- you never know how the OP is going to react or what they are going to say. And being since you are the HURT party, you don't know what you are going to be blindsided with.

I hope you get more input. I'm not real good at this yet. I'm working on it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

SoDisappointed, don't apologize for trying to help. Yes, W makes all the phone calls so OM is actually an asset in this way. I will be very in control of emotions and OM will realize this EA isn't worth the trouble.

eggs,

Talk to your wife first. Lay it all on the table the ONS, the phone calls...everything. Don't give her an opportunity to tell a lie. Tell his girlfriend too.

Be careful if you have him within arm's length.

God Bless

WOE, I think your plan is very sound. If this doesn't end the affair, I would definitely talk to his GF and do everything short of taking out a billboard. That is what Harley suggests, as exposure often helps bring the affair to an end.

That is in addition to asking the OM: "what are your intentions with my W?"

Your W needs to understand that she is having an affair and they are never "harmless." They most certainly are not "friends" as evidenced by her ONS; "friends" don't sleep with "friends".

I don't agree that you shouldn't mention the ONS in front of your W, though. I believe it is very important that YOU DO. Why did you want to not mention that? Are you withholding it for fear that she will be uncomfortable? Well, she SHOULD be uncomfortable.

There are a couple of suggestions I have for you before you have the talk with the OM. I would type out a role play and practice what you want to say. Try to figure out what his response will be and how you will respond to it. If I am going into a situation where I will be nervous, I have found this to be very helpful. I will summarize my points in an outline so that I don't lose track.

I would also have a boundaries talk with your wife about ending contact NOW and getting into marriage counseling. You are in this mess NOW because of continued contact all this time. Don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Lastly, I suspect that he will end contact right then and there because he doesn't want to mess with this, however, have you considered what you will do if she refuses contact? You have been living like this now for 18 months.