Just J,

I wonder if you could take a look at someone who seems to be to be in real need of moving to Plan B. You are my poster girl for Plan B! My thought is that advice/support from someone actually in Plan B would help immensely...

This woman could use some encouragement as her H has his head firmly up his butt...she's afraid of moving to Plan B however. And her kids are asking her not to give up on dad yet...

sad sad sad...awed

thread for allmyloveforever

Hee hee. Plan B poster girl. Hee hee hee.

And you know, it's so true. Poster children are the ones we hold up and say "may it never have to happen again."

So yes, I'll be the Plan B poster girl. May it never have to happen to anyone else again.

Aw...d-d-d-d-dang nambit! I just meant you are my Plan B hero...the calm crusader...the Plan-B-can-be-everything-it-is-cracked-up-to-be kind of living example...but heck! I didn't realize you were also going to cure the world of the thick fog!! Let it never happen again...woo-hoo!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

awed

P.S. Sorry I am not closer geographically because I would have loved to attend your get-together...then there was the added bonus of meeting Mr JL! He gets a lot of the credit for saving my M (although he just brushes it away) precisely because he's the one that got through to me, turned my head around (okay, THAT was just a wee bit painful but it was nice to see a different view for a change!)...I can't remember who mentioned what he looked like, but someone said "not as you'd picture him"...was it the same for you?

Anyhow, hope some other folks showed up in the end and you had a blast...

Hero? Me? Well, if you -have- to.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, yes, may it never have to happen again, even though it can be exactly what we need it to be -- a safe space in which to recover, to grow, to find our footing again, to remember how to live again. And even though the entire divorce industry seems to be horrified by the thought of it. (At least, the part of the industry I'm loosely attached to.)

Mr. JL.... was certainly not what I expected. He is a PhD researcher in a field I left with a Master's degree and a bad aftertaste. He was the best man and best friend of my former boss. He's tall. And stands in a way that only a small segment of society has been forced to learn to stand.

I didn't know any of that stuff until I walked into the restaurant, so yes, it was certainly a surprising evening for me!

Hey grrrl...you rock in my books doubletime now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ...(I'd already suspected that you might be semi-official but the outing confirmed it)...thanks from one stranger to another for your assistance to someone else I've never met! (What a crazy on-line community this is...)

Were you there last night too?

It was funny to read that description of JL...can't say I had a mental picture of him but your description was surprising so one must have been lurking in my brain after all...I would sure like to shake his hand and thank him in person one day...

And that's a funny coincidence about the best man/boss thing...

Keep on sweeping those clouds...awed

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

I have to chuckle at that. You're welcome, awed, and yes, I was there last night (now several nights ago). I had to leave early, though.

And tonight J is feeling:
Bad
Good
Lukewarm
Great

???


(later edit)
Looks like I missed you - just wondering how you are doing - people really do care about you.

SS

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Double post. Look

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Down there for what I meant to say.

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 08:07 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

Mmm. How is Just J feeling? Sneezy and slightly achy. Tired. A little sad. A little glad. Wondering. Annoyed. A little scared. Calm.

Feelings without context look funny, don't they? It's hard to figure out how they're all tied together. So a little more detail....

Sneezy and slightly achy. I caught DD's cold.

Tired. DD is teething. That and the cold did not make for restful sleep. Nor did taking the daytime cold meds right before bed. Nyquil for me tonight.

A little sad. A new friend asked me what happened that such happy images were followed so quickly by such heartbreakingly sad events. So I explained, and going over those awful times left a tearstained pillow, an aching heart, and dry, painful, scratchy eyes.

A little sad. I've been forced out of NC again. If Plan B is about protecting yourself and your family from the effects of the affair, and continuing NC threatens you and your family in real, tangible ways, what do you do? It's a power dynamic much like God-Within-Kily's, though no one is threatening to put DD in foster care, thank the God and Goddess.

A little glad. It appears that we're firing the awful Parenting Coordinator. Apparently WP doesn't like her either. That would be good, to get rid of her without a fight.

A little glad. Things went well at work today, and I feel as though perhaps I will be able to do a good job on something that was at risk a week ago.

Wondering. Wondering what will happen next, now that I've had to let go of NC. Wondering how much of it can remain. Wondering what else my lawyer and WP's lawyer talked about today when they had lunch today.

Annoyed. That I can't just turn all the MB principles into practice without running risks that are too high for me to take.

A little scared. Because I'm ....

Well, I just talked to my lawyer and I'm not scared anymore. Need to think about the new information and how to deal with it. I can't tell if this is a step forward, backward, or sideways.

Calm. Because at my core, there is little that frightens me half to death anymore.


Oh, and hey, Still Seeking -- there's something I'd like to ask you off-board. Would you e-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com?

Sometimes you have to go out of NC, for legal, custody, or whatever reasons. Just like I can't avoid seeing H at social/civic events. But you can always go right back in.

And that is what I hope to do. There's so little out there that makes anything else make sense. Today's meeting with the PC was nearly as awful as the last one, but not quite.

And when I got up to walk out, the PC realized that perhaps she should be a mediator rather than a participant in the fight. That was the first time the whole day that she listened instead of fighting back.

Hm. Listened instead of fighting back. I need to keep that in mind the next time I try to say something to someone. And the next time I try to listen to someone.

grrr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ...a PC should be a mediator...a mediator does not take sides...grrrr...well, on the silver lining side of life, if it got you to think about and learn something positive that you can use in the future...then that is a good thing...perhaps that is one of the bright sides to all this crap...we learn to see "opportunity" at every lousy turn...

keep fighting on the side of the angels you...and tickle that little girl's belly and have a good laugh! ain't they sweet at that age (well...and a pain in the neck sometimes too! kinda like life)...awed

Sweet baby girl got a full hour of uncles time tonight. She laughed and laughed and laughed while they were playing with her. It was really nice to see.

Of particular note was the "dancing girl" stuff, which looks pretty much exactly like those drills in football camp where they run in place really really fast. She and Uncle J did that at each other for quite a while, and she was squealing with laughter the whole time.

DD has also cut two molars, though she only has the front four otherwise. She was NOT HAPPY about the molars at all, the poor thing. She seems better tonight (knock on wood).

Oh and tonight I think she finally got the "point and name" thing. After months of pointing at things and sayng the name to her, she finally did it back to me. "K! K! Aaaaaaaah!! KAAAAAAAAA KAAAAAAAAD KAAAAAAAATTTTT KA!!! KAAA!! KAAT!!!!"

Hee hee hee. The cat thought we were both crazy. That's all right.

And of course the cat is quite correct! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I knew it would come, of course.

The day when, after a fight with WP, I would walk away thinking, very calmly, "This is not worth it anymore. I do not love her, I do not want to be married to her. I do not want to be with her ever again."

It came last Friday, the 13th of February. I cannot say I was angry or hurt or anything. Just... not there anymore. Not willing to proceed with a relationship with this person whose entire interactions with me are covered in hurt and anger and disdain.

Why would I bother? Why would I be even remotely interested? Who in the world would ever want to be with someone like this?

And yet, even that evokes more emotion than I felt. It was just.... it was like putting down a load I've carried for a long while. I stood up straight. I stretched my back. And then I stood and looked at it and thought, "That was heavy. I wonder why I was carrying it in the first place."

I've also spent time in the last few days thinking about protection and how that varies when one is a mother. Protection is about not abusing your spouse, absolutely. But for me, protection became a great deal more when I became a mother.

No one noticed that I became a mother too, the day DD was born. Oh, they did. But they didn't. The attention was all on DD and WP. I was in the background grinning.

But I did become a mother that day. And my needs changed. It was no longer enough to each do our own thing. Family Commitment became a critical, center stage need.

Domestic support became just as critical, as all of a sudden all of the household chores landed on me and stayed on me for five months. It doesn't take that long to recover from labor. And now that I've been on my own for longer than that, I also know that it's possible to keep house and watch a baby. Hard, but possible.

As time has gone on and the burden of care shifted, so that I am both breadwinner and primary caretaker, financial support has become important. I'm barely making the mortgage payments, and let's not talk about the legal and mediation bills.

These things are not emotional needs, when they're at this level. They're protection. Not having them met destroys love at a profound level, as I have to focus more and more on just surviving the days rather than on anything that looks like love at all.

And WP does not measure up. She makes less than half of my salary. She trashed the house completely during the six weeks she lived here by herself. Every step she's taken to try to destroy our family and my relationship to DD in the last year has hammered away at the family commitment.

And then there are the needs of the lover, the maiden, the one who entered this marriage so long ago. Conversation, snuggling, smooches, laughter, joy, sensuality, eroticism. I suddenly woke up to the fact that it had been a long, long while since those had been worthwhile in my life. That part... some parts of it.... it's been years since I was truly fulfilled in my marriage.

So ... why am I standing here waiting? What could possiby be worth it? I'm done. I don't want this marriage. I don't want this woman to be my partner. I don't want this woman in my life anymore. WHY AM I STILL HERE?

Ah. Yes. Right.

DD herself.

WP is her other mommy.

That never goes away.

And that's why I haven't taken the ring off yet.

Then again, on days like this, I wonder why I bother at all. Sitting at my desk with apple all over my blazer and my floor trashed with apple, paper, and toys...

Because the babysitter is sick, WP couldn't take her, my brothers wouldn't, and I HAVE to get work done.

Baby whining in the background. What a lovely way to work.

Yes, she's worth it. But jeepers, some of this isn't fun.

Welcome to parenthood -

They would print a warning lable, but no one wants to de-forrest the earth.

Our twins are ten now, but I can tell you stories about the years between the ages of one, and 4.

Oh yes, twin girls.

It's a good thing we remember the feelings from the good times in the middle of the bad -

SS

The timeline from a year ago this weekend..

Saturday:
- We had an awful 36 hours with OM, trying to find a solution that worked for all three of us.
- WP told me, for the millionth time, that she would always choose me if the choice had to be made.
- They had yet another teaful "we may never see each other again" goodbye.


Sunday:
- WP told her sister the whole story about what was going on. Sister told her NOT to let me adopt DD and to leave immediately.
- WP refused to listen to her sister, saying her sister was wrong and that I -was- DD's mother .... and we signed many legal papers -- the adoption paperwork and consents, our wills, our domestic partnership agreement that tied our finances together.

Monday:
- WP tells me she's decided not to see OM for "a while."
- WP tells me she wants to leave and take DD with her.


There were many, many bad days last year. This was not the worst. It was only one of the worst. There are more anniversaries to come, anniversaries of things ever more painful and horrific. This... this was only a beginning. Not THE beginning, but A beginning, to a horrible, horrible journey.


This year, the weekend went like this:

Friday:
- After a long day at work, I thought for a long time, and sat and prayed and meditated for a long time. And then, without fanfare or fuss, I took my wedding band off and laid it aside.

Saturday:
- I picked up DD and we went up to visit my cousin in NYC. We had a lovely time.

Sunday:
- More lovely time on a gorgeous day in NYC. I think I got a bit of a sunburn. And then we drove home.

I've said before that this year is about emptiness for me. About creating space, about removing the things that cause me pain, about making room for beautiful and wonderful things to grow.

It's time to take more steps in that empty journey. A hand with no ring is the symbol.

The pragmatic things... are pragmatic. Disentangling our finances. Continuing to minimize the drag on my energy, time, and resources that is WP. Finding and collecting the other parts of my soul that have been left behind and trodden upon, that are still wound up in someone who left me.

Okay, maybe not all of that is completely pragmatic. But it is another stage in the journey. Am I going to start dating? No. That will wait until there is more than emptiness and more than a desire for someone to warm my feet and my body.

But it's A beginning. Not THE beginning, for that was long ago. But a beginning of the next journey, wherever that may lead me.

I loved WP once. I suppose there is still love there, should I choose to look deeply enough. Mostly, though, there is just a melancholy sadness... and a sense of astonishment when I interact with her now. =This= is the person who had me wrapped around her little finger? What was I thinking?

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

J: what a journey...again, thank you so much for posting your reflections...the insights you've gained speak eloquently to the natural (but painful and lengthy) process that is Plan B and letting go...

As Penny said in her recent musings, the complex disentangling that goes far beyond a "simple" legal document, a severing of all the ties that bind...it is a tough and lonely journey...but such freedom and possibility at the end...truly a new beginning...

peace and serenity...awed

Lovely post J

Pep