I havent posted in quite some time- and to give you a total update would take TOOOO long, so a brief update will have to do...

We have been on the emotional roller coaster for over a year- and have tried to reconcile, and it will last for a week or two and he can't take the withdraw anymore and has to call the OW- or vice versa... It hasnt stopped for more than a week at a time, (didnt find this out until recently though...) So to say that we have "tried" isn't a fair statement.... We have said that a seperation is probably the best thing for us- but until now its been all talk...

A few months ago- I wanted to help me- so I re-found my faith and got back to church and spoke with a Christian counselor (on several occassions) and really started the healing process for myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And it has brought a new sense of peace to this process for me....

There have been so many pivotal people placed in our lives to help us- and I know it is difficult to extend your hand and ask for help too- but the other person has to be ready for that help also... We have had several deep conversations and I know he understands where he is with this, but just doenst want to face it yet... He explains it to me like this- He is a teenage kid, and I could tell him until I am blue in the face that what is going on is wrong and where it will lead him- but he has to find out for himself... And I have said that I respect that- and have given him the personal and emotional space he has asked for....

What I need help with is from veteran MB's- He seems to have just gotten ALOT closer to the OW in this process.... Is this normal?.. maybe some last ditch effort to see if the grass is greener?... Or should I "wake-up" and see that its just over?....

I have been doing a great job of not LB'ing and just letting him know I am here for him.... Where is the line drawn between being a understanding patient spouse, and being a doormat?... I am finding it harder and harder to find that "line"....

I know that this is alot to ask- but this board has helped me SOOOO much this last year....

Have you been in Plan A for over a year?

How long has their A lasted? (besides this last year)

How do you feel about going to Plan B? .... I know, with a baby it is challenging ... but you really ought to consider it.

"I have given him the personal and emotional space he has asked for" .... If he asked for heroin, would you have given him Heroin?

He's addicted. Are you enabling his addiction?

The fastest way to have an irresponsible addict hit bottom is to stop holding them up.

Just a thought.

How old are you both?

Do you live near any of your family?

Has your H's affair been exposed to any family or friends ?

Pep

I'm only in my 6 months since DDAy so JMHO.

You've tried for the past year.

Your husband has done nothing as the affair continued weekly.

Unless I'm reading this wrong all your husbands done is tell you "I want to be married and recover." But in the mean time I'm going to continue with OW on some level that you don't need to know about.

As for what to do now I let the more experianced step in.

PEP- thanks for the quick reply- I'll do the best to answer all ?'s, but I'm at work so bear with me...lol..

How long has their A lasted? (besides this last year)EA/PA for about 18 months...

How do you feel about going to Plan B? I have to be honest here- I think this is the only "concept" I dont agree with when it comes to Dr. Harley- unfortunately with small children or a "fixed" income a true plan B cannot always happen- and that is where this is headed now with the seperation- currently he is looking for other living arrangements.

.... If he asked for heroin, would you have given him Heroin?

He's addicted. Are you enabling his addiction?

Yes- that is something I have talked about in IC- he has two brothers who are alcholoics (he wont touch the stuff) but they all have that "personality"- and he knows he cannot stop it- and to an extent I do feel like I am enabling it- but where do you drawn the line of support and enabling?... That is where I struggle now...

How old are you both? W(me) 31- H (WS) 35

Do you live near any of your family?
Yes- his family also which have given me GREAT support...

Has your H's affair been exposed to any family or friends ? yes to family and our close circle of friends... He wanted to expose it- to be held accountable to some extent- and just so we would have people to talk to and try and help us... His family has been absolutely totally understanding, (his mom went through the same situation with his Dad,) which makes this difficult because he doesnt want to follow in his fathers foot steps- yet he knows he is...

He has everything to lose when it comes to her- his parents and brothers have tried to talk to him- but he shuts down emotionally.... and it makes it difficult... He has lost friends- and has no one that "understands" his side except the OW... So....

This is why I am so lost.... Do I put my faith that this is just a last ditch effort for him before he hits "rock bottom"?....

I know that this seperation will be the best thing for the situation- but it still doesnt make it easy....

Has anyone ever been here?... Where the WS was pushed closer and closer to the OW?... What happened after?...

Thanks...

Ouch,

You asked whether anyone has been in the same situation as you. Unfortunately, I have on many fronts. First, STBXH's A has continued for over 18 months now. It started as an EA and progressed to a PA. STBXH and I had 20+ D-days with promises of no further contact only to find out a few days or a week later that the contact continued. I have a son who will be 2 in October, so I also understand the issues that are involved when there is a small child.

I did the best Plan A that I could under the circumstances. When STBXH left me to move back to his country of origin to live with OW, I tried a Plan B BUT, as you say, sometimes there are interrelated issues that prevent one from Plan B-ing - young children being one and finances being another. Also, I wasn't strong enough for an effective Plan B, but I don't think it would have made a difference. After STBXH left, I found CD-Roms with pictures of OW, e-mails, etc. Something unspoken in those e-mails told me that I could have Plan A'd through Plan Z'd, hung the moom and the stars and everything else and it wouldn't have made a difference. Just my very humble opinion, but I truly believe that A's are addictions - for both the WS and the OP(particularly if the person involved has addictive personality traits to begin with). OW was sending STBXH poetry, e-mails talking all about how much pain the two of them have experienced in their lives and how they have finally found each other and their pain will soon be over, pictures of her holding a sign that says, "Happy Birthday My Hun." All of the things that some would attribute to high school kids and what others would call codependent.

STBXH is still living in his country of origin with OW. I filed for D on our 3rd Anniversary, but because he is in another country, it takes time to serve him - we have to go through the Hague Service Convention (an international treaty) and it takes 4-6 months. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE - I love my husband. I am hoping and praying that, in the 4-6 months it will take to serve him, STBXH will come decide to come home and work on our marriage and all of its underlying issues without OW or anyone else in his life but me and our son.

STBXH - if you are reading this, as I know you occasionally do read my MB posts, the door is still open.....

Ouch, only you will know what is right for you.

Brit's Brat/BS-42
STBXH-44
DS- 22 months
Status: Filed for Divorce on 3rd Anniversary, but don't want a divorce - wish STBXH would come home.

Brit's Brat-

Thanks for the advice- and I am sorry to hear about your situation... I am so very blessed to have found this forum to share with others- it allows me to express and identify my feelings and know that I am not alone....

I am finding out from IC- exactly how this is an addiction... and I guess that is why I continue to understand and be patient.... I know he is still in the "fog"- but he does know he is in this "fog" and just isnt ready to confront it yet... (I guess rock-bottom hasn't hit...) And like PEP said- I am enabling it to continue to an extent, by being so understanding... I do think I am holdling him up- and with this seperation I am not going to be doing that... He has said in the past that his A is a totally co-dependent relationship, and he knows its unhealthy (which makes it all the more difficult to understand...) My self-respect is still in tack- so I guess that is when you know you cross the line to doormat...?..

I love my husband also... AND DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE either... But I am just tired... emotionally, physically, etc... DRAINED....