My other posts are in recovery and just found out.
FWH been away from OW for 2 weeks now. I am trying plan A but I feel as if I am the only one making conversation, say I love you, I miss you,
Making a point to call him ect. He is still not living back at home and I do miss him.

Then I am having the recurring thoughts of him and OW. And all of the things that go with that. I just don't know if I can cope with this. I have ordered surviving and affair. I am going stir crazy. I need someone to hold me and assure me life will be ok. I crave that affection and protection very badly. It is killing me. What do you do with all of this emotion. All I want is for H to come hold me or leave a note on the door email me something. Tell me he is thinking of me. I understand he is sitll going through withdrawl but it is driving me nuts. What do you do with all of this engery.

Stay active, walk, run, do hobbies, eat your favorite foods, call friends, do new things. Live your life, dont ever let your life revolve around someone else, thats a recipe for disaster. Be independent but able to be interdependent when the time is right. There is so much you can do that you wont have time. Meditate.
Express your feelings to him.

I am feeling very down. Preacher/counselor said I should have not called H and I should wait for him to call me now. He is sounding very depressed and scared. He says he feels he will die young and can't make any plans for the future till he gets past this because he may not be here tomorrow. But he also says he is not going to hurt himself but he sleeps with a gun by the bed.
He says he really loves FOW and wishes he could turn it off like a switch. I emailed him yesterday after he talked about death coming soon. I told him that in live you are either alive or dead and that he should live each day to is most and make sure the ones you care about know how you feel so you have no regrets when death happens. I also told him that I desperately need compassion, protection, and comfort right now and I wanted those things from him but I was scared that these needs made me very volnerable for turning somewhere else. I told him I was not telling him that to hurt him but if we had been communicating about our need prior to all of this maybe we would not be where we are today. I never received any response back all day. Everyone close to me and preacher told me not to call him let him take the next stop. But as you can tell from my previous posts I don't have alot of patience. I have had 3 emails from him on Monday after I posted this origonal message. So anyway I sit and stewed. He has told me I could call him whenever I wanted. He also said that OWH needed to tell her he loved her daily not just in words because OW did not have a spark for OWH. I took that to mean he needed that from me. He won't just come out and say what he wants. He also said he thought he had a plan but would not share with me just wanted to let things progress and see what happened. I guess I need adivce. Should I call him, do I need to leave him alone and let him call me. He has a cousin we are both close to getting married this weekend and it would require an overnight stay. I brought the wedding up earier last week and he said I could go with him if I wanted. At that time he said we could get 2 hotel rooms or 1 or 1 with 2 beds. Well last night he asked if I was going to go. I told him I would like to go if it was not going to make him uncomfortable. He said he would get 1 hotel room with 2 beds. But he said he did not want to talk about the relationship over the weekend. The problem is that I have not been leading him to talk about things it is him who has brought it up every conversation. But it is just the same thing over and over. He says he does not want to get my hopes up. That he can not promise we will work things out. I asked him if he understood that I did not know if I could get past the things he had done to "us" with this affair, ect. But I wanted to try to get past it and that was all I was asking from him was that he wanted to try and I was not looking for any promises from him.

When we are together or talking it seems I am carrying the conversation. He does not say much just responds to my talking basically. I am trying this plan A. When I email I try to reread it and think of how is this going to be taken. I have not asked any questions about relationship. I am just responding to his depression and trying to "be there for him" I have told him what I have done to get through the past 9 wks to help me. talking to God, family and friend support, not thinking about problems 24/7, getting away from things and having fun. I told him that I am willing to be there for him. I don't need to talk about the relationship all the time when we are together. We can go out and have fun. I told him he is welcome at the house anytime. He can come see the dog she is a comfort. But for any of this to happen he has to make me part of his life again.

I am actually calm today just confused and unsure how to go on. He acts as if he does not want me around. He is not making any effort to be around me. I am just so confused as to where to go from here and am looking for advice. I don't know if he is testing my love or if I am smothering him. How do you know?

Thanks,

Tami

Now...this is going to sound harsh....but it's not intended to be.

The title to this thread.....6 days into recovery and it seems to be all me.

You are not in recovery yet. Recovery only comes when your back together and everything is worked out and the BOTH of you are putting in 110%.

And yes....it seems to be all you...because that is how it always is. The BS wanting the marriage....the A to stop....the recovery to begin. The BS taking the first steps into making changes. That's just how it is.

At least your WH is being honest with you. He isn't leading you on by saying he is over the OW and then acting strangely....leading you to only ASSUME what is going on with him. He is taking a step to be honest here. Isn't that one of the first things we all want from our WS's....honesty?

Your H needs time...that is the only way for his feelings to sort themselves out. You don't want to crowd in on him at this time....that can sometimes push them farther away.

Try to let him do most of the contacting.

I try to think of it this way.........my H didn't want to be with me the way I was before.....and I didn't want to be with him when he was having an A because of the changes I saw in him.

We had to get to know the NEW people we were. You can't just jump into a relationship with someone you don't know.

When we decided to try to make it work we were both afraid that we would see those "other" versions of ourselves that we didn't like come out eventually.....making us both hesitant about wanting to make it work.

Your H is still in withdrawl.....all he's thinking about right now......is how much HE hurts.

Now....I'm gonna give myself a boost here.
I was able to talk with my H about his feelings.....talk to him about the OW....talk to him about ALL of it. Not sure how I did it then without going crazy......but at least he knew he could still turn to me and talk to me about everything....even when he was with the OW.
He would even call me to talk about his relationship with her when we were seperated.
I made it comfortable for him to open up to me.....I didn't get mad when he would talk to me about her. I switched to friend mode then, at that point....he needed me as a friend more than he needed me as a wife.

Going on almost 2 years of recovery now....and I can't say I would have changed anything that I did....good or bad.

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

6 days isn't much. It takes weeks to work through the withdrawl, and that's only if there's no contact of any kind. It's going to take MONTHS to really start healing. And some say it takes years to fully recover. The key ingredient is commitment.

You might back off of the love you and miss u's for a while if he doesn't seem to be responding well to them...as well as the contact. He may just need space right now as he clears his head.

Tami,

I'm sorry you're hurting, hon. But you MUST take care of yourself. Make it a point to do something for you EVERY DAY. You will feel better eventually, if you find a way to not obsess about this contstantly.

Don't call him. When he talks to you, just listen and be supportive. Don't tell him what you need because he won't respond to it right now. Remember, the sooner he can process everything in his own mind and heart, the sooner he can focus on you and your M.

Good luck. I need to get off this thing now. I will check on you after the weekend.

Take care of yourself during this troublesome time. No one else can do that for you.

Misty