I have been off the site for some time now, seperated from my wife (wangi) and basically living in the "bliss" of the affair. My OW had convinced me that she was single for almost 2 years, and I believed her. Everyone on here was telling me she had somebody, but I did not listen, no, no, she loves me I would say.

I had gotten increasingly suspicious of OW and I had little bits of contact with my wife, and she told me she has some evidence. I asked her to please tell me, because I was ready to hear it and feel it now. I think I dragged it on because I feared the truth and was addicted to the sex.

Well I was at work and my wife told me she was bringing the proof. It was Bob, OW's live-in boyfriend with the two kids, they owned a house together. I was shocked and so was he. I thought she may have another man but never suspected she had someone living there. I have to check for STDs.

I thought well good, now its over. But now I am feeling the widthdrawl again, I forgot about that. And wife and I seem to fight each time we talk, dont even know if it can be worked out.

I had put all my faith and energy and trust in someone who is insane. I lost my chance at grad school and destroyed my marriage. All you WS out there, dont you EVER trust an OP, they wil rob you blind. They will take all you have and then prey on their next Tom [censored] or Harry.

Imagine if I had even spent one eighth the time, energy and (so-called) love on my wife and marriage, maybe we would have had an ok life today, which is all I want or need from now on. But the reality is that the damages are all around me like a land ravaged by war...and I am still alone. WS's you will make yourself suffer if you live in the fantasy of an affair. Do the next right thing. Be honest and face your problems.

I am truly sorry for what I did. I still feel like I got a sledge hammer in the stomach. I will not try to understand it. I will just have to burn her out of my memory throw her out like the trash she has been. Lying *****.

Grieve this loss.
Learn from the pain.
You are young.
There is hope for you Blah.
Get up after you fall down.
Life is not fair.
Life is good however.

Take care

Pep

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks pepper,
If I listened to you before I could still be in school and with my wife, rather than screwed over by a lying slut. I should have listened to everyone who told me she was playing me. I built my whole life around her and she was living with and screwing Bob since day one. I am so niave, so immature to let her destroy my life. All because of sex.

You have just learned a few of the lessons that most enlightened adults know: there are consequences to every action, individuals are responsible for their own behaviour, if something seems to good to be true...it's probably not true and never let sex or lust "blind" you to reality.

It's unfortunate you didn't listen to anyone but, again, for some people some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

Be careful with the "mud slinging" at this point. As I recall, you did some pretty despicable, dishonest and callous things too! I don't think you are in a postion to judge anyone else's bad behaviour.

At this point, you need to figure out why you did what you did. I think you need to start looking for a good IC, accept responsibility for what you did to your M and stop blaming everyone else for your inadequecies and shortcomings.

Blah,
What wise words here from everyone who's responded so far.

As another former WS, I can relate to what you're saying.

Just this evening I felt deep anger towards ExOM for the way he misled me and took me with him down the road of destruction. He'd had A's before the one he had with me--I learned during the course of the A. Why did I fall for his lines and sick ideas and join him in such dispicable behavior? Then I realized that the person I truly am angry with is me! Getting over it, the anger,-- in time-- but it's certainly the deepest regret of my life. (the A)

Take care and know that you're not alone in this battle. Many of us have been in your shoes, and at least we're coming to some sort of clarity about what really happened.

H_P

Have a little hope, blah. Betrayed spouses do calm down. It takes time, and patience, and effort.

Blah,

As painful as what you wrote, I see this as more progress than ever before. Still you have a ways to go but headed in the right direction.

Question: Will you stick to this path or stray again? The choice is yours.

You can see it but still are not out of the woods. Some of your words sound very familar. I heard them from my H. Yep....didn't know there was more than 1 wicked OW in this area, ya know? Maybe they are OWU sorority sisters.

You were just a trophy for her OW wall of shame. Now you can see what Wangi and others have seen. The OW is as ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

I hope your tests come back clean but you can clean up our life. Remember it is your life and your choices that will help you bring happiness to yourself. Then and only then can you share yourself with those who truly care and love you.

Blah, I certainly hope you continue to post. It isn't an easy road to recovery but what awaits on the end is worth all the effort.

Tonight is a dark and stormy night here. The thunder and lightening have been dancing around the skies for several hours. It is late but for some reason, I can't rest. C/b because my H is on the roof taking pictures of the lightening - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . He already got some good shots. I couldn't do that. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But I am glad to come here and see your post.

take care, if you need to talk, let us know.

L.

Blah

I gave up posting to you because you just wouldn't listen to what was being said. I am truly sorry that you now find yourself in this place of despair and pain.

Whatever OW has done, MGM is right too. Try and get through the withdrawal, but concentrate on fixing yourself. After X (Blah, don't know if you realise, but I am now DV'd, and I can tell you for sure that brings a lot of it's own grief, so you may want to think carefully about that too) discovered my A I went into a right tailspin. Withdrawal was horrible. I cried every day for months and months (about 4 if I remember correctly). I cried for the pain and grief of missing OM, I cried for the person I had become who I didn't recognise anymore, and I cried for the absolute damage I had done to X. Blah, for the first couple of months after true NC I didn't know if anything was possible. All I knew was I had to try and work out why I had done what I had - what had made me have an A. I describe it as X and I both travelled the same road together, but when we got to the crossroads, I took the wrong turn.

Blah, I understand that you feel you have wrecked all your chances now for grad school and you and Wangi, but maybe not. I am sure you have no idea at all if you and Wangi can make it work, or whether you want to. I didn't know for several months if I wanted to or not, and by the time I decided that it was only right and proper that I should give it a try, it was too late. X (the evil Mr Pound man) was already on the search for OW, who BTW he know lives with.

May I suggest you start by being honest with her and yourself. Get yourself into IC, and tell her exactly your confusion. Give yourself at least 6 months before making any vital decisions about whether you and Wangi can make a go of it. Find out about getting back into Grad School. Work like mad to look inside yourself and admit your own failings and be ready to put them right. Would you be prepared to go to MC? Whether or not you can make it work, it may help you both to begin to communicate without angry outburts and disrespectful judgements. Blah, think of your pain, and now times it by 100, and you may have a slight idea of how Wangi is feeling. Of course you are going to argue unless you start to be honest with yourself and your W.

I am sorry this is so long. I don't want to sound like I am lecturing you, but it is because I see someone who is finally coming out of the fog. Someone who is like so many of us here. Not a bad person, not a WS, just someone who has failed and really now needs to get a grip, otherwise they won't learn from their mistakes. Still Seeking always tells me it is not our mistakes that make is who we are, but what we learn from them and how we move forward. You have a chance to come out of this as a better person. A stronger person, a person you can again love and indeed like, and maybe even a person who can be a good H too to Wangi.

Take care Blah, start to think about recovering yourself and you will if you are determined.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

blah,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I lost my chance at grad school and destroyed my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Imagine if I had even spent one eighth the time, energy and (so-called) love on my wife and marriage, maybe we would have had an ok life today, which is all I want or need from now on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pardon me for being less than sympathetic, but you don't seem to be the least bit remorseful over this. You are still wrapped up in your own selfish needs and how this has affected YOU. What about all that this has done to your W?

You ramble on about how the OW misled you and lied to you. Did you honestly expect anything else? What about YOUR accountability in all this?

There is nothing in your post that tells me that you are the least bit remorseful for having hurt your W in such a fashion. Your only concern seems to be what you have lost out on.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought well good, now its over. But now I am feeling the widthdrawl again, I forgot about that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is icing on the cake. This tells me that you are willing to do it all over again. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am truly sorry for what I did. I still feel like I got a sledge hammer in the stomach. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you are sorry to your W for what you did as much as you regret what you threw away in exchange for an A.

Why is it ok for you to cheat on your W but the OW cannot cheat on you? What's the difference? You got the short end of the stick this time and it has made you angry.

Will you take what you have learned from this A and try not to make the same mistakes in your next one?...or will you finally admit to yourself that your selfish needs and choice to have an A was wrong, that you hurt your W and marriage and seek the proper counceling to get yourself back on the right track?

ba109

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Blah..

being a straight shooter that I am......and having posted to you in the past...

shields up and duck... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
consider yourself warned.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The blessing and promise of recovery is that not only can we change...but the changes create a new person who is no longer capable of causing and doing such things to those people in their lives that they care about...

people here in recovery, true recovery, come to learn that...both the WS and the BS often see themselves in the past as a stranger...

was that really me that was willing to do such things that hurt people...it seems like someone else...

You stand at a point in your life..to become that person..through hard learned lessons...the gift of forgiveness and recovery is a great prize...

blessed are all of us who can see our role in causing pain...and not wallow in those roles but change...and prove we are no longer that person...

truly blessed are we all..when it happens..

You can do it blah...

Here comes the duck and cover...

But now I am feeling the widthdrawl again, I forgot about that.

all WS go through withdrawal..it places no greater meaning/value or magic onto the relationship between you and the OW...don't give it more power than it really has...

And all of your attacks on her, in this case are a reflection of you...

there is no scale of numbers of which betrayal is worse...

Do not sabotage your own recovery and soul by deciding that her deceptions out weighed yours and there for she is the root of all evil and the cause of such pain...

It will serve only to deflect you from your own issues and take focus from you...and your healing...

And do not decide the pain you feel is so great that all are better off with out you...

That is also too self serving...
Wangi gets to weigh in on this one...that decision is no longer yours...it is hers....
and way too self serving and leads to NOT facing a thing....

Imagine if I had even spent one eighth the time, energy and (so-called) love on my wife and marriage,
maybe we would have had an ok life today, which is all I want or need from now on.

stick with us blah....we think both you and wangi deserve more than an "OK" life...
you can be great...if you believe enough of you and her...

you know that's the irony of affairs...people get so caught up in it....with out realizing that the true things that matter that have real depth and meaning...that celebrate the self worth of two people in all that can be...can not exist in the layers of deceipt, pain, betrayal,
they bank on all these outer layers of feel good but no real depth in reality.....and build up this house of cards with no foundation in honesty, true nurturing, and self worth, worthy of eachother...and others in their lives...

that's why there is so much pain...affair relationships are shadows of our own and other peoples true value and worth in this universe...

ARK

"Out of every crisis comes the chance to be reborn, to reconceive ourselves as individuals, to choose the kind of change that will help us to grow and to fulfill ourselves more completely."
~Nena O'Neill

Life is a series of lessons. Crises can be seen as the homework. They are not there to defeat us but to help us grow- to graduate into the next stage of life.

And; it only take one person to change your life-YOU!

Aloha e ku'u ipo
Kou maka e
'Alohi nei
Na'u no 'oe
He nani e

Aloha nui loa,Wangi

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: wangi ]</small>

Odd. You sound a lot like the OM did when we broke things off. Bitter. Angry. Blameful.

You chose your path. You were warned. You chose to ignore reality.

She certainly did lie to you, but you also lied to many to protect yourself too. She's no more screwed up than you are.

But you don't have to live with her for the rest of your life....you do have to live with yourself. What have YOU done that you hate? How can you change so that you aren't the kind of person that you currently despise??

I didn't think I had "holes" in my story as a WS getting screwed over by the OW. I was trying to express how I was oblivious to everything else but the fantasy life of my affair, including compromising almost every good moral and value that I posessed for the "rush" of the affair.

Of course my wife is tops the list of people hurt, and yes I feel deeply guilty and sad about hurting her...remembering the last time I tried NC and she was crying on the couch...I could not or did not give up OW. The image of my wife crying is a powerful one. I felt deep remorse and guilt and sympathy, and yet I did not comfort her not even touch her, just let her sit there and tremble in her pain. Like those nightmares when you cannot move and you are being chased............

Blah ... do you have an older male friend who can function as a sort of spiritual mentor for you?

Someone with wisdom and compassion, someone who likes you and sees your potential?

Someone you respect for his values and integrity?

Pep

Yes I do Pep, he was my AA sponsor and I owe him my life, I may not be alive today without his help, but he is on the East Coast, he is my spiritual rock.

Blah,

If everyone seems to be smacking you with a 2X4, it perhaps exemplifies our own frustrations with our own WSs.

When you are a little more out of the smoke, I wouldn't mind talking to you about my own WS. He is as deep in the fog as you were, and unlikely ever to admit he was wrong, let alone express remorse.

Among his last words: "I don't feel I've made any mistakes or done anything wrong."

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Blah,

Not sure if you missed the offer or chose not to accept it (which is ok). I am going to say it again knowing that Pep's suggestion is a good one.

We are very close in your area. JL, RedHat and I are nearby. If you need someone to talk with, JL is great. Redhat will not mince words but both of us (Redhat and I are the BS). JL is a smart guy who is fair and honest, also one who can temper his words without watering down the message. Now there is one other one, my H. Yep, you and him have a lot in common but at different ages and levels. I haven't asked him yet but if you want, I can.

So you have some options. You also sound more coherent. This is good. Please stay that way.

If you or any other WS are wondering.....yep many can tell when your character changes. Some tell and others just watch but know that we can all see it. It is hard to not notice when the Emperor is 'wearing his new clothes'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wangi knows how to get ahold of me if you need to.

L.

blah,

I noticed that you have an interesting sig line.

WS since Nov 2001 until 8/22/03

Recovery begins

Does your W know this or are you keeping it to yourself? It sounds like wishful thinking at this point and possibly very presumptuous to assume that you can waltz right back into the M without some major tush kissing.

Until your W accepts you back into the M from which you strayed, recovery cannot begin. Your recovery may be your own, but on this web site it is the marital recovery that matters.

You are a WS and always will be, just as your W will always be a BS. You cannot erase what you have done. The M however, can recover from the damage the A has caused IF both spouses are willing.

There is one thing that I do not see on your personal list of things that you have lost due to your A. Trust. That will be a difficult one to recover.

ba109

West coast has sponsers too!

Get one.

Start doing your steps.

Find a mens meeting.

Get off your [censored].

Pep

Blaaaaa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Every one of us has had our butt stuck on the pitty pot from time to time ...

but, Blah you know this is true ....

it's MORE dangerous for addicts and alcoholics to sit on that pot too long....

it gets you back into your stinkin' thinkin' holding pattern ....

get off your [censored] and ask for help from a male sponsor ....

do not wait until you feel like it ....

you are at greater risk the longer you wait....

Praying for your recovery blah ...

Pep