I believe I am nearing the end of a Long Distance Relationship, 2,000 miles apart. We have known each other for over 2 years, and seeing each other exclusively and very seriously for about 1 year now. For various reasons, however, I don't think it is going to work. It has been a very rewarding and special relationship, and I love her very much as a very special person in my life, but I know she loves me even more, so this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. If it's meant to be, we'll cross paths again, but for now, I'm afraid it needs to end.

I have already been asked why, so I'll give a quick run-down. I'm coming off a 10+ yr relationship, married for 5+, then separated for last 1.5 and finalizing the divorce now. That is well behind me. There is no re-kindling there, but I think I may want to be free of other relationships while we finalize the divorce. So my first (maybe biggest?) concern is jumping into such a committment so quickly. I have not had a problem with the situation (full, committed relationship) as is to date, but for either of us to move, that's a big, big next step. We have even both acknowledged that neither of us are likely to move soon. It's been almost 1 yr for this relationship, and it's been getting "tiring." Only see each other 4-6 weeks. Second, I'm finding we're not having as much in common as we originally thought, especially in more long term issues. Third, we've been arguing and fighting much more in the last month or two. I know partially cause of distance, but 1st two issues above may cause more. I know we could work through these, but it still makes it tough to see such a side of our relationship. Finally, with the inital love and chemistry settling down, it's simply not what it used to be. Even our monthly visits are now more void of the "honeymoon" feeling so I think we're both learning as we go. Overall, the more time we've had to attempt (as best possible) to build a normal relationship, the more evident it has become to me that it may not be the best thing right now.

I am not experienced in ending things in my 30+ years of age, only 1 serious one before (noted above), so I'm scared to witts end!

My dilemna, how to do it? I have always put others in front, so hurting her is the last thing I want to do. I am fearing even thinking of ending it. There are many good things about us. I always put others feelings and actions in front of mine. So How?

Do I write? I have always been very good at writing. It keeps my thoughts organized and more-so, allows me to put across all of my thoughts. During personal discussion (in person or voice), I tend to get side tracked and un-organized. However, I have been led that it is impersonal or rude to write a "Dear John" letter. If so, is email to impersonal, or do I hand write, type, etc.????

Do I call? This is more personal, but I can't imagine doing this, and as I said above, I'm not good at confrontation or speaking feelings very well.

In the past during serious confrontation, we have always written our thoughts via email or such to get things kicked off, then call afterwards, to work things out. This has worked very well, but this is different, there's nothing to work out. But I can't imagine sending a letter and boom, that's it, over, done...!!

Do I visit? Our entire relationship has been long distance so very used to traveling. Would be very personal, but alot to take on (travel, $$$ for tickets, etc.) for ending something? I hope this one doesn't win the poll. But what a nasty thing to do. . . arrange a visit, which have always been very very positive and exciting, and Boom! "Sorry, I'm not here to see you, but to break up with you!" That seems wrong too.

I may want to keep somewhat friends at least to keep in touch via email or such every once in a while. I have practiced this with the very few of my past relationships and I know she has with her Ex's too, though I have also learned that this is very hard to do from the others' prospective when I initiate the end.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

I would either write her a nice letter or call her. I don't think I would fly all the way out there just to end it for the reasons that you gave.

I would write or call. As I said in the other post, this forum provides you with an opportunity to post your letter and get feedback. People who have been through this (one or both sides of the coin) may be able to help you edit your letter to soften the blow.

Btw, your reasoning makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for including that this time. Good luck.

Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...may be able to help you edit your letter to soften the blow.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been less than sympathetic to WS's lately, so you'll have to excuse me.

I don't understand why there would be a need to "soften the blow" when breaking up with the OW. The BS surely did not receive that courtesy when she was made aware of the A.

m_n_k,

I will not contribute to your poll. You made the choice to begin the A, now make the right choice and end it. How you do it is up to you.

ba109

Don't do face to face. It's a dangerous way to do it, might break down your defenses and decision to end it.
Write! Or call, But if you feel more comfortable writing, do so.
Either way make it final because there is going to be, no doubt, lot's of begging, pleading, and anger!
If you have cell phone, change number and at home phone too!
Make every attempt to make certain there is no more contact. Easier for all concerned. In my opinion. LouLou

Let's see.... You've come to Marriage Builders to ask for ideas on how to end 2+ year long relationship? You have been separated for 1.5 years?

Well, at least you are on the right forum.....

End it over the phone. If you have to , prepare a script and read it. Don't veer or be cajoled.

I ended a horrible A over the phone, after 4 years. I didn't want to see him face to face at all. He begged for the chance, but I wouldn't.

Do it fast, quick, and get it done for good. If the person tries to contact you again, hang up, block emails, or change your number. It's easily done if you want it to be done.

H_P

me-no...

why am i sitting here singing 50 ways to leave your lover...by simon and garfunkle...ohhh yeah...because of your post and poll....

Well know that I don't mince words

..."and though it's really not my habit to intrude ...
and I am hoping that my meaning is not lost or misconstrued...there must fifty ways to leave your lover"...

Lets get down to the meat and potatoes of things...

issue one (1) is that you have no idea or concept of what a committed, honest relationship is...
you have yet to live one through your actions...
you have much to learn...
and learning that is a much greater lesson to learn than how to break off a relationship..

So my first (maybe biggest?) concern is jumping into such a committment so quickly.

How does one jump into such a committment when one does really know what that means?

past behaviors generally set the tone of future actions.

I have not had a problem with the situation (full, committed relationship) as is to date, but for either of us to move, that's a big, big next step.

lets see... translates into fantasy long distant relationship...not a problem...
reality (moving)...big problem...

So you wanna be the 'good guy'...well truth is you can't be....not in this situation...but glossing over, ignoring the red flags you yourself are feeling...(yet not really identifying within you)...is more cruel than not ending it...

You broke marital vows over this person..
you lay down with this person...
you made choices that cause great pain to innocent people...
and you still wanna be the good guy....

It's all about you isn't it? (said somewhat tongue in cheek and somewhat seriously...

The pain you cause people is a direct reflection of your choices and actions...

I'm finding we're not having as much in common as we originally thought, especially in more long term issues.

You do have a lot in common..problem is that they are not valued traits that serve others and yourselves well...

I have always put others in front, so hurting her is the last thing I want to do.

I always put others feelings and actions in front of mine.

well that just made me laugh out loud...
(the part about putting others first...)
perhaps it is more that you put others first unless it serves you more not to...

The issue is not how you end it...the issue is you...
your self value
your core beliefs
your defining yourself by learning what committment really means...

You don't need to learn how to end it..
you need to learn how to fix things so that you don't have to end things again with another person...again and again and again

you are establishing a pattern here...
are you learning anything along the way....

My intent is not to hurt you...but I am hoping for you to see the bigger picture...
the issue of you not committing to her...is because you still have to learn how to do it...within yourself...

the conflict is really not ending things...the conflict is what is your plan to learn from the past...

basically what you are asking is how to break this persons heart and not be the bad guy...
you can't...
learn that lesson here and now...and perhaps you will learn to avoid ever being in this position again...

You can't make it easy
It is not.
Does not matter how you do it..
do it for her sake and yours...

just the fact that you believe that she loves you more than you love her...is mucho grande red flag...

just hop off the bus gus...don't need to discuss much..just drop off the key lee and get yourself free....

I do wish you much clarity in your journey..
What you need to work on and identify are the parts inside of you that regardless of anyones actions made you capable of betrayal...and learn to change and move away from them...

once you have done the work that brings you to be the type of human that will never again act in such a manner that brings such pain and heartache..
to you
and to others..

then you will know what committment means and is...and your actions will also..

ARK

Building upon what Ark just wrote .... here's a tip .... straight from AA.

Get yourself a beautiful a house plant.

If you can personally keep that plant alive and healthy for one full year .... then go ahead and enter into another relationship commitment. You'll be ready for the responsibility of the love and care of another person's tender heart.

Until that time, do nothing but very casual GROUP dating. No sex. You want a honeymoon but not the committment.

This is not saying you are not a great guy. You might be the greatest guy ever .... just not yet. For now, you lack the emotional stamina it takes to hold up your end of a relationship .... through those bad times, through those boring dull times, through those times when it is not so much fun.

You need to mature some more. That's OK. Just don't leave a wake of broken hearts behind as you work your way through your issues.

Get a plant. All it takes is a little sunlight and water. You won't break a plant's heart when you neglect to water it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Of course, you will probably ignore my recommendation .... because you don't like being alone.

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

air ferns, cactuses, and chia-pets do not count!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

Me_no_know:
Finally, with the inital love and chemistry settling down, it's simply not what it used to be. Even our monthly visits are now more void of the "honeymoon" feeling so I think we're both learning as we go. Overall, the more time we've had to attempt (as best possible) to build a normal relationship, the more evident it has become to me that it may not be the best thing right now.

See where you say the initial love? And chemistry? If it had ever been real love, it wouldn't be settling down though the passions do cool.
It was lust, pure and simple! People confuse love with lust too often.
Obviously there was a wife somewhere during the divorce that got hurt along with you.
At 30 yrs of age, do not think that every skirt that makes your zipper twitch is love!
Big difference!
You end it by simply saying it's over, I don't love you! Period.
Love that can't endure miles between, and the cooling passions is not love at all.
LouLou

P.S. ARK, your post is a gem! Pepper, I like the plant idea. They can be replaced a lot cheaper too. LOL
LouLou