"I knew what was going on but could not stop and turn the other way."

.... and this is your excuse?

Then what the hell are you going to do in the future?

"oops, I did it again" .... you and Britney would get along fine ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I would advise your W to "cut bait" on you ... unless you could come up with something of more substance than this pitiful remark ....

Pep

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

"She is not taking it to well"

Oh really? Just what would be your definition of "taking it well" when a person learns they have been betrayed the second time by their beloved spouse?

Did you want a bouquet of red roses with a note: " Honey... Thanks for screwing another woman (again) and breaking my heart (again). I adore your little cheating heart pookeykins."

Give me a break. "Taking it well" means letting you walk all over her?????

Are you nutz?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Local Boy,

I can only tell you that 2ofaKind's word are so true.

2oak is giving you the best advice you can get. I know some of the things your W maybe feeling right now. I'm the BS and my W still works with OM. She does some of the things 2oak has laid out. She still works there only because there aren't any other jobs she can move to right now (I hope). But not a day goes by that I don't think about the possibility of the OM tring to renew the relationship and her slipping and giving in. It's not a good situation for recovery, as I think you already know.

Good luck and God bless. I'm praying for you.

S&C (one more local boy) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Local boy - welcome to MB. I am the WS in my situation, and understand more than you know how confusing it can be to comprehend the logic behind an A. Why is that, we ask? Because truthfully, there is no logic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that I am still in love with my wife and want to know the true reasons why someone in love with there wife could do such a hurtful thing over.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Local boy, you ask a question that can only be answered by you. The part that you need to work on is looking into yourself for the reasons. Each of us could "justify" why we cheated - our spouses weren't meeting our EN's, we didn't feel like they really loved us, the OW kept calling, etc. You know what - those things may have truly happened. They may have contributed to us being vulnerable. But they did not MAKE us walk through the infidelity door. Only we ourselves can be responsible for that decision.

One of the most important things I have learned on this website which has helped me the most in my personal recovery is the art of protection. I went through withdrawal to OM before I confessed the A to my H. I won't lie to you and say it was easy. We would each say no contact. And usually, he would break down and e-mail me. I would give in thinking we could just be friends. Before we knew it, it would escalate again.

Finally, I reached a point where it was insanity. I could not take it. I could not hurt my H more. I could not hurt myself more. I could not hurt OM's family any more. So I confessed. Not 2 hours before I confessed, OM paged me. I did not give in. 3 days after I confessed, OM e-mailed me. I did not open it and let my husband respond then delete it. I admit, I was lucky. I was so concerned with my H leaving that I truthfully did not wonder or think about OM. Sheesh, I'm still worried about my H leaving!

You do have to make a decision. But maybe your decision should be for yourself. Do you want to be proud of yourself? Do you want to be someone you would like? Do you want to live your life according to morals and values you once had? Do you want to find happiness within yourself?

Once you are able to answer these questions, then move onto the question of why. Not why did you hurt the person you loved the most, but why did you make the decision you did. After you tackle that fish, then you can move onto the part about what can you do to prevent it from happening again. There's where 2oaks advice is really important - prevention is no contact ever again. NC has to start now and continue forever. Is your M more important than OP? It may seem nearly impossible, but you were fine without OP in your life before - you can do it again. NC begins now. Instrospection begins now.

Don't tackle too much at one time. Learn about yourself, local boy. That's all we can do from this experience is learn from it. Become stronger - learn to love yourself. If you are lucky enough to have this chance, your W will see the change, and will respond.

I feel for you local boy - I really do - I was there, too. I hurt my H to the core of his being, and I may never forgive myself for that. But I can from this point on try to be the best person/wife I can for him. He may not even want me. But I also have to be the best person for myself.

Take care, lb. Keep posting. Believe it or not, but some of the "tough love" here will help you stick to your guns - even when you are weak. Good luck, and keep in touch.

deleted to keep the MB police from starting a high speed chase on my [censored].... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper

Back off hon, you are kinder than that. Let's let him take a breath here for a minute. I was confused at first too, let's let him figure out what he's done to himself and not chase him off.

Local - Pepper has a point (just no patience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) in your first post you said more about OW and OW's needs than you did about wife and her needs and her broken heart.

You are not getting something important and time is real short for you. Your main problem is that you are protecting the OW and thinking of how losing her boyfriend will hurt her.

Your wife is the one to protect, she may kick you in the nuts right now but what she needs more than anything is some security and protection.

The only way you are going to be able to provide that to her is by putting her first. Clearly what you wanted and what OW wanted have been a priority. So important that you lied to your wife, your friends, your children?? Mull that over, that is not healthy.

I get it OK? Prior to d-day I was more concerned with hurting the OW's feelings than doing the right thing and protecting the woman who I intend to grow old with... not smart buddy.

Come back and post, don't get scared off.... when you start showing more compassion for your family and less for the person who is trying to break it up even those meanies like Pepper will lay off on the recriminations and start helping you (she used to yell at me too, getting my head out of my a$$ was a group project <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

dear local boy--listen to 2 of a kind. he does know about this. and yes he did take a tone of bashing in the beginning---happily his head is out of his a$$ and focused on recovery. he has done great. and dont mind pepper, she is one of the wisest here---and she only bites once in awhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

this is a community of caring people like ive never known. they have saved my life. if you can get past some of the bluntness, these people will lift your spirit and love you purely.

keep posting.

I only bite those I love... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Welcome to MBers LocalBoy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It must mean that you did not have any feelings for the other person.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feelings are situational. They come and they go and they change. What kind of a life does one have if they live their life based solely on their feelings? Chaos and confusion, kind of like what you're going through right now.

Our important life decisions, like remaining faithful to our spouse, must be based on something more than situational feelings or you run the very real risk of being the cause of pain and hurt in the lives of those who love you the most. If your loved ones happen to be the kind of individuals who live and act beyond what they feel( like telling you to get lost) you might get lucky and end up on the receiving end of forgiveness. No healthy person in their right mind will permit themselves to suffer the devistating emotional abuse of betrayal more than a time.... or two, if you happen to be very lucky. Your wife sounds like such a woman from what you describe. Will you get lucky? I'm pretty certain she probably isn't close to "feeling" like gracing you with anything that even looks close to forgiveness just yet. However she may be, if you can ever do the internal work inside yourself to discover that living life is more than acting on feelings and show her the new man you become through your personal work and demonstrate CONSISTENTLY that your basis for living your life goes far beyond what you feel at any given moment. Try a personal relationship with God (I am NOT talking religion here), LocalBoy. It will give you the best shot at making it for yourself, and if you are lucky enough to get the opportunity, to make a new marriage with your dear wife as well. We may hit you over the head here but we will pray for and encourage you as well.

Remember, your words won't mean a thing to her for some time to come. If you want any chance of keeping your wife, you'd best get busy showing her. She's not going to be as patient or understanding with the second slap in the face and second punch in the gut. Quick, get to work if you want any chance of a real recovery.

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

Attagirl Pepper...

I knew if we gave you some string and a saucer of milk you'd ease off {{{{Pep}}}}

Local, check in.

Y'all be gentle til the 10th, this FWS will be gone tomorrow to take BS out of this silly country on a working vacation overseas.

Local - Suggestion to avoid bloodshed. Good discussion topics while I am gone would be ones that focus on your wife's needs and how best to apply your lips to her rear. Maintain the no contact with OW til I get back and focus on the wife til then and things will be brighter for you then - promise.

Girls - play nice, he's here and he's trying...

Hi Localboy

Welcome to MB!!!

Yes you are giving a ton of support from people here for being a newcomer and I'm happy for that.

So for your question... Any solutions??? well yes you have given plenty and the best ones regarding your current situation, you might be overwelmed by all of them, but keep in mind those came from people who walked already your "path" somehow, and there is this saying...

By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
-Confucius

Well localboy... I got to tell you stick to the imitation now... and work on it like crazy! if you really want to save your M anyway. Reflection might take a lot of time. that you can not afford, and it seemed you didn't learned by experience.... maybe this time is different?

Well time you can not afford. You already wasted that one.

<small edit>

So localboy, back to you in a way your situation is "like" mine on that aspect, so I'm going to try to give you some insight on what your wife "might" think about that aspect also.
I'm aware that I may be WAY off base, but anyway I'll share mine.

I'm the BS, I'm 34 y/o my H is 35 and the WS. We M when we were 25 and 26.

At the begining I was terrified of having kids, not being able to provide them with all the things that I was given, and also I wanted to have a rock solid relationship before that... On the other hand my H is a kid lover and always wanted them badly... well guess what? BIG mistake. That "dream" never came true at least until now it has not and I have severe doubts (I'll explain that later)... Anyway I didn't payed attention until too late (in age, but I know we still got the chance), I mean after 3 years of me being off the pill, and yes we had regular S, still the kid didn't came, so we decided to find out what was happening and went to the Dr., long story short, my H is infertile. That somehow triggered his "manhood"... result among other things I gave that option to God, he went and had an A.

Why I have my doubts on that now? And why I'm saying run like mad on all your issues? well it seemed your wife wanted them, and you didn't. I don't know your reasons, but I explained mine. Right now... I'm at the age of where your wife was 3 years ago. And you can belive me, I don't want this to happen to me by FAR in the future.

So right now we are working in our issues and trying to fix our M, but my clock is ticking, now I want the kids and of course that I want them with my H, but I'm not willing to accept a NO on a treatment, or even consider adoption. I'm not to beat my head against the wall on this. And I understand this is as ALL God's choice, but if I have something to chose on this, after my clock reachs the time I set up on this, I'll step away from my M and my H, and give me a chance to have this with another man who is willing to do all it takes to have it.

So this might be an interesting thing for you to think over.

Take good care

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 12:23 AM: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</small>

I have made some small edits on this thread to protect the privacy of some members. There was NOTHING wrong with what was posted or edited.
Thanks for your patience.

Magnolia

Howz it, Localboy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Orchid

Hi,

I found this article on another MBer's sig line.

Affair's Understanding What Went Wrong

Hope this helps, I found it very interesting.

take care,
L.

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Dear Localboy,

Do you realise just how cruel you are being to TWO women?

Let`s for get about your lovely W for a minute and focus on the OW.

What you are doing to HER is very cruel. You are using HER.

Do you intend to make a life with her? If not you are stringing her along. Using her to fufill your own needs. By restarting the A UNLESS you intend to divorce your W and take off with the OW you are giving OW false hope. If you do not intend on making a life with her why are you doing that? If you care about OW so much why are you hurting her?

Back to your lovely W.

Why are you being cruel to her? Why have you not filed for a divorce? If she is not what you want/enough for you why have you not set her free? What exactly has she done to deserve this kind of pain TWICE? If you really care about your W then why not let her go? Why on earth would you want her to be unhappy. And she is VERY unhappy.

This post may sound like a flame but it really isn`t. It`s a wake up call to bring into focus how YOUR actions are affecting the lives of two women you profess to care about. You need to take a step back and see the big picture. Your actions are hurting BOTH women you say you care about.

Do you understand this? I think perhaps you don`t and that is why you reignited the A. I think if you understood how your actions hurt the OW as well as your W you may have thought twice. You don`t seem to have any qualms hurting your W but perhaps the realisation your are ALSO hurting OW might sink in.

My H finally understood this and that is why he was able to do NC with his EA woman and he made it stick. He didn`t want to hurt HER. He didn`t want to use HER anymore.

You need to look deep inside yourself to try and figure out why you have put your wants and needs above those you care about. There is a reason why you consistently do this. And it`s not your W or the seductiveness of the OW that has made you do this. It is something inside of YOU that needs to be addressed.

Whether you remain married or not.

If your W chose to marry you, you obviously have some very positive qualities. It is such a shame that your have issues that have lead you down this road. You need to figure them out and fix them.

And make a promise to yourself and those around you that you will no longer be cruel to ANYONE.

Local Boy, you make my blood run cold.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to let you know about the other woman. she is a coworker of mine. we started out talking to each other about personal things and it went crazy from there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H had an affair with his assistant. I found out about it after six weeks and he ended it. Or so he said. So why is there ice in my veins? Because now, fifteen months since I found out and he supposedly ended it, she STILL works for him. He has refused to get rid of her, citing all manner of excuses why he "can't" fire her or transfer her: she may file a wrongful termination suit, or a sexual harrassment suit, or he'd have to tell his partners what he's done in order to explain transferring a good worker (and yes, she does do good work - of all kinds, apparently), or, and the most outrageous excuse yet, why should HER life be ruined? She NEEDS this job; she doesn't DESERVE to suffer in any way.

This woman was my friend, or so I thought. So I've suffered a double betrayal. My H's insistence on keeping her has been a huge roadblock to our recovery. I don't trust him because he's decided that his career is more important than our marriage and my peace of mind. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. (Can such an intelligent, well-educated man REALLY be that stupid?) And he's insulted by my lack of trust, and he pouts and continues to blame me for "causing" him to have an affair.

Sure, I made mistakes in the marriage. I admit it readily, and I've made many, many changes. But his insistance that he had no choice but to have an affair because he was so unhappy, coupled with her continued presence, causes me unending, agonizing torture. I've lost nearly 40 pounds because every morning, as he's walking out the door to go to that office, I'm in the bathroom losing what little food I've managed to put in my stomach. My blood pressure is too high, despite medication, and I am beginning to realize that what he's willing to give me as a recovery isn't nearly enough to keep me forever.

Working with her is an insult to me; it is humiliating to me; it tells me that my H is more concerned with his career than with his wife. This tells me that he's decided to keep our marriage at risk so no one finds out what a rat he really is. His problem has become my problem. Sure, he can deal with it. No problem. Now I have to decide if I can, and if not, I can decide to leave. And that's just about the continued contact AFTER the affair

And now I see that it IS possible to rekindle an affair when the parties involved continue to have contact.

Why would your wife want to live through that again? I'm glad she threw you out; she's found the only way she can protect herself and her heart from your self-indulgent, abusive actions. She knows that what's really important to you is your own pleasure; she knows she doesn't even register on your radar screen.

And you did that. And my husband is doing that too.

So now you want a second chance? Buddy, it just may be too late. I know if what I suspect about my H is true, he won't be getting any second chance from me. No way will I expose myself to that kind of spousal abuse again. I love myself way too much to make any more sacrifices of my code of ethics for a liar and a cheat who doesn't respect me enough to protect me from himself.

Yeah, this is probably a lot harsher than some of the other replies posted to this thread. Tough. This is the way it is from the OTHER side of the equation. Too hard to swallow? Too difficult to look at yourself and see what you've allowed yourself to become? Deal with it.

And then do the right thing.

CHANGE JOBS!!!!! NOW!!! TODAY!!! WRITE A NO CONTACT LETTER TO THE OW AND LET YOUR WIFE READ IT AND MAIL IT!!!!! TURN OVER YOUR CELL PHONE RECORDS, COMPUTER PASSWORDS, OFFICE VOICEMAIL AND ANYTHING ELSE TO YOUR WIFE AND BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR EVERY SECOND OF YOUR DAYS AND NIGHTS!!!

And then get down on your knees and pray that your wife still loves you enough to give you a last chance.

Because make no mistake about it, if you do get a chance, that's what it will be - the final one.

Never confuse your career with your life.

Don't blow it.

Local Boy:

You've gotten some very good and insightful posts. Read them over and over.

But did you read Legalette's post above? That's reality. It hurts. It sucks. But it's the every-single-day-reality for a BS who has the OW constantly thrown in her face via work contact after the affair.

You may not get another chance. No one could fault your BS for NOT giving you yet another chance. That's her decision. BUT, if you're a decent man you'll do your VERY best to make this up to her -- regardless of her ultimate decision.

Oh, and the OW should NOT factor into ANYTHING from this moment on. She should be NOTHING -- do you understand? What she does/where she is/what her feelings are...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Your wife and your relationship with her are EVERYTHING. I suggest that you never forget that again.

Good luck.

Lori

Local Boy,

How are you doing? I hope you don't mind that I used your post to help out another WS in distress. See even when one is having a hard time, even then they can still be helpful to others. Don't give up fighting for what you know is right. Don't give into the odds.

L.

bump just in case Localboy comes back!

Local Boy,

I have been thinking a lot about you and your W. It saddens my heart to personally know of and see such pain. U & I have never met yet through your W, I feel like I know you, bro'.

Something deep inside of me feels that one of the reasons why you haven't posted maybe due to some of my postings. Was I too harsh on you? It certainly wasn't meant to hurt but help. Really.

However, if I did hurt your feelings, I apologize. I am sorry for keeping you away from good medicine, right here @ MB.

Please don't let the postings of one person keep you away from what can help you. I will keep my distance and hold my tongue.

You have a beautiful W and I am sure she has a handsome H. I want to share with you a post from my H that he made on Becca's thread.

" </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid's H:
<strong>This is Orchid's H again. Don't anyone get their hopes up that I'll be a regular here, but I just decided check other's comments here on this. ......

Also, it's NEVER too much to ask forgiveness. If Becca is genuinely repentant & trying to work on making things right again, he needs to do his part to help. I can guarantee this, had Orchid acted like Becca's H, I would be long gone. It was only because she showed genuine forgiveness, understanding, patience, & love that helped me stay where I belong. ......</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is from a man who one time said he made a mistake marrying me. From a man who blamed me for the A. Who complained that I wanted to control him and tell him what to do.

Now I couldn't have been both since I basically haven't changed from then to now. But see how his attitude changed? He knows where he belongs and had to fight to get that back.

Am I proud of my H? A bit. I don't like to exaggerate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am sure your W would like to be proud of U 2.

take care, bro'.

Aloha,
L.