Thank you, everyone, for trying to help my H.
I feel I must answer Nerlycrzy's unanswered "background" question:
Married for 16 years.
He's now 40, I'm 37. Unable to have children--doctor's cannot find a reason why. (This may be key...our infertility work up started four years ago, just before the A. He refused to hear of adoption or foster parenting--a decision that deeply hurt me, but I consciously decided to accept and live with, out of my love for him)
The 1st EA/PA, three years ago, lasted about 6-10 months before the A was discovered. He never confessed to me. I had to learn the truth from the ow's H and their boss.
The 2nd EA/PA restarted 8 months ago. Again, he never confessed to me. I found her cell phone number on a "call received" on his cell phone...and had to do a major investigation to get the truth. He lied and denied everything, even tried to spin lies to cover the damning phone records, until I got audio tape proof that he couldn't deny.
With the 1st A, I kicked him out...but his family and the MC he dragged me to (a dysfunctional woman who said we didn't need any more counseling after the 2nd session) told me needed to take him back, he learned his lesson, he seemed like the kind of man that would follow through on his reform promises. Even Steve Harley who we counseled with for a few months, said this. And they both said that "No Contact" was not necessary in his case. No IC was sought.
Except I sought the knowledge from SAA and the forum on In Recovery, related all I learned to H--who wouldn't read a thing. HNHN, LB's, EN's, the policies, POJA, all the tools were in place. I made the majority of the changes he said he needed. He did a few, but reverted back. And then there was the missing "No Contact" rule that he said he could handle. He'd avoid her at work, but he also avoided "hurting her feelings", so that it was a mixed message, I think I understand from him.
After a year, we did an in vitro trial...4 embryo's. Lost them all, cause unknown.
I should not try to relay his feelings about me, the OW or himself...but I imagine that he still felt responsible for her & her "predicament", in some way. As well as enjoying the feeling of getting his needs met by a W dedicated in recovering her marriage, as well as getting them met by a desperate OW, and not having to do too much in return except to grace us both with his presence once in a while.
But H was, for all intents and purposes, a reformed WS...for 2 years. The xow never gave up. After the first A she divorced her H, gave up custody of her kids, declared she would wait for him forever and made a show of how open she would be to restarting the A. She never dated others...and waited for him to weaken. Her picture is in the dictionary under the word "tenacious".
(Twyla has made mention that based on some of the OW's behaviors she's heard about, she appears very "childlike" and needy. Perhaps ow has, in some sick way, allowed my H to express his thwarted parenting side. However, that's one for him and his IC.)
He has been very eager to learn what respones he has gotten, but simply cannot get to a p.c. on his own (his first few posts were on mine)...and would require alot of tutoring to find his way to this forum once he did.
So, I've done the next best thing and downloaded (finally! I was having some problems there...unable to print anything after the 5th response!). Will give him the printouts this afternoon.
I know all your wonderful responses will only help him in his self discovery. He's starting to get very thoughtful, humble and real with himself now.
One thing I have to add...in person, he is one of the nicest, neatest guys you'll ever meet. It's just he's also become (only in the last four years) incredibly selfish in getting his emotional need for admiration met (major self esteem issue). Like a bottomless pit that can never be filled in a normal monogamous relationship. Whether he can pull himself out of that mode, no one knows.
He's currently living on his own. Going to church, bible study and IC starting this week.
Mahalo, everyone.
