I am in the military and i had an affair with a married co-worker. My husband knows about the affair and we have been trying for the last three months to rebuild our marriage. We are in counseling and talk all the time about what I did. I feel so guilty and remorseful, but it isn't enough for him. Now he wants me to tell the other man's wife. He says this will show him that i love him. I don't know what to do because they have a child and I don't want to wreck the child's life. He says he isn't giving me an ultimatum, but if I do this he will forgive me. Help!

Well, I think she should know, but I don't really think it should come from you and don't think it should be for the reasons he gives. That has nothing to do with love and doesn't serve to "prove" your love in any way. That makes no sense. A person who was NOT in love could go tell her just as well, it just has nothing to do with "love."

Maybe he could tell her or you could send her a letter? She does need to know about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by becca1978:
<strong>I don't know what to do because they have a child and I don't want to wreck the child's life. !</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, the truth won't wreck the child's life. An affair will. The mother needs to know the truth so she can take steps to protect herself and her baby from her untrustworthy H. She has a right to know this information as it is about HER LIFE.

The problem with not telling the OM(other man) W(wife) is that he will be free to have another affair and wreck another marriage (he might also even try to rekindle the affair he had with you). But more importantly, she has a right to know what her H(husband) has done so she can decide whether to stay married to him or leave him, and keeping her in the dark only helps perpetuate a sham marriage for many years to come. Lastly, informing her about your A(affair) with her H(husband) MAY actually end up helping them to rebuild their marriage.

Dear Becca--

What does your counselor advise?

~Marie

This is how it worked for us ...... your results may vary, of course.

On D-day I told my WH this: "You're out of here. We are through."

WH begged that he'd "Do anything." to save our M.

I told WH he'd need to confess his betrayal to OW's H ... while I was there to witness.

WH said, "Isn't there enough hurt already? Why do we have to hurt him too?"

I replied ...."I thought you said you'd do anything, but I guess you did not mean what you said."

WH said "I'll do it."

He did just that. I was there at the table in the restaurant as my WH confessed his 18-month A to his friend ..... something like "Joe, Susie and I have been having an affair for 1 1/2 years. I am so sorry."

This wasn't about "love" or about "forgiving" .... this was about respect, protection and trust.

Why would you not do this? I am pretty sure the real reason you don't want to is that doing so would cause YOU embarrasment and/or shame. .... you would have to face the other wife you hurt.

You are also showing loyalty to the OM by keeping secrets from his wife. This is highly disrespectful to your H.

That is a reality you'd just as soon ignore. You hurt another woman and her child .... YOU did that .... and yet, you do not want to acknowledge your part of hurting her .... by telling her. Why is that? You already did hurt her .... telling her is not hurting her, telling her is respecting her as a sister woman.

You are protecting the OM and disrespecting his wife (again) by your silence.

This is my opinion, and it might be all wrong for you ... but, I would never NEVER have respected my husband ever again if he did not do the right thing by confessing TO the person(s) he hurt. He also confessed to MY parents and HIS parents..... my H's willingness to do the right thing (painful and shameful as it was) became the source of our marital recovery. My H's integrity and his courage looked much better to me that day. (more than 7 years ago)

Good luck.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

This is not from Orchid, it's from her husband.
You telling his wife may or may not be the "right thing to do" for all kinds of reasons, but no one has the right to tell you it's your obligation, or put you on a guilt trip if you choose not to. This is what I'm reading from all these replies here. It's really that man's responsibility to tell his own wife, not yours. You may have the right to do so, BUT NOT THE OBLIGATION. It has nothing to do with "you are protecting the OM and disrespecting his wife".

I'm not saying whether you should or should not tell this man's wife, but it has to be YOUR decision based on what you know about the situation & your own feelings. I'm sure the thoughts & experiences posted in reply are great to consider, but you people need to lay off on the guilt application on this woman if SHE decides not to. And as for becca's husband, I suppose it's his right not to forgive unless she tells the other man's wife, but I think he's being unreasonable, & is just trying to punish his wife. That is my opinion, & he has the right to his.

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Becca, ya know, my husband is military and had an affair with a girl in the military. She never spoke to me once. I'd love to give her an earfull.

You need to strap on your courage and call that woman. If he hasn't told her, she deserves to know and she also deserves to give you a piece of her mind as well. You played party in ripping her life apart. You need to pay for that. Don't hide behind the guise of "I'm better now" to protect yourself. Your actions put you in this position, you need to do something to redeem yourself. Not saying anything is cowardly.

My husband is military too. Her husband had long suspected that something was going on. I wish he had called me and told me what he thought. We could have compared notes and the affair would have ended a lot sooner. Instead, her husband left the island (we were in Hawaii) and didn't tell me a word about what he thought was going on. Her husband even went to the chain of command and nothing happened.

My husband didn't come clean until she dumped him for somebody else. I had called her cell phone earlier that day and asked if she was having an affair with my husband she denied it. i didn't believe her. Later that night, after I had decided to stay at a friends house, husband confessed to it all. She dumped him that same afternoon.

I just wish I had know earlier. I wish I had her husband's phone number and could have told him that everything he thought was going on was true.

His wife needs to know. Because the OM is not telling her, means you should. I wish I had known earlier, even if I had to hear it from her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>This is not from Orchid, it's from her husband.
You telling his wife may or may not be the "right thing to do" for all kinds of reasons, but no one has the right to tell you it's your obligation, or put you on a guilt trip if you choose not to. This is what I'm reading from all these replies here. It's really that man's responsibility to tell his own wife, not yours. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that Becca does feel guilty because she IS guilty. She had an affair with a married man and has been instrumental in causing great harm to this family.

Granted, the H should tell his wife, but it really doesn't matter WHO tells her as long as she is told. It is not his sole responsibilty to tell his wife [he didn't hurt her alone] but the responsibility of anyone who knows. If he doesn't tell her, someone else has to do it. Becca shares a much greater responsibility than others since she was involved in harming this woman.

The bottom line is that the OMW needs to be told and splitting hairs about whose responsibility that is doesn't achieve that goal.

I am not saying it is Becca's "obligation" .... I am suggesting that doing so might be good for Becca's own recovery.

She might learn to face her choices head on, and not allow herself to hide from those she's hurt.

It is FOR BECCA that she do the right thing ....

Orchid's H ... welcome to MB! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Orchid's H keep in mind that we did not go to her home and banged on her door with the intention of raming our opinions down her throat. No, she came to this forum asking for help and she got it in the form of our advice. Whether she takes it or not it's up to her and her H.

<small>[ September 01, 2003, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

becca,
here's a suggestion that may work. have your H tell the OM's W and you be there to support him and apologize to her.

does she have a right to know? absolutely! her H may be sleeping with lot's of OW at this point and what then would be the chances of him bringing her home some nasty surprise (as in an STD!)

the only thing that troubles me is that it seems your H is demanding that you do the right thing for the wrong reason...his getting revenge. but then again, who's really to say?

coach

Becca,

Your question raises many POV. That is ok. The decision is utimately yours and most here are saying just that.

The risk of who says what to the OMs W will always be a risk since no one knows her reaction (appreciate/hurt or denial/anger or somewhere inbetween).

Now your H has asked that this be a condition of forgiveness? Hm......I would have liked that also but is that within your character or power? I asked my WS to do the same and of course he did not. Yet we are headed towards recovery.

Does your H post here? Maybe we can help him find a level of forgiveness on something you can work on. In time, then letting the OMs W know what is going on may not be as painful. Hm...... of course the choice is yours. You stand in a unique and ackward position. Being an OW yourself you know first hand how the damage was created. Intentional or not it happened. Now the 'fix' will take time.

Is it unreasonable for you H to ask you to do this? No, just very very hard. Maybe at this time more than you can handle.

Hm...... my own H (as you can see from his comments above) does not want you 'forced' or told here by MBers what to do nor put you on a guilt trip. So I think my question is do you feel you are being pressured to tell or being encouraged to tell?

Please realize that my H normally does not post here. What posessed him to respond to you is one of the great mysteries of life..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just kidding. This is a learning experience for him also and he kept asking me all day if anyone responded. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (thanks Pep, TMCM, Mel, Luna & Coach,etc.)

Now Coach has a good idea one that has been done before. Has the NC letter been written? If so, in some cases, I believe a copy is also sent to the OP's spouse.

Of course, all of the above is JMHO,
take care you are headed in the right direction.....just on a bumpy road. Keep looking forward, the smooth road is ahead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Becca-

I am so sorry for the position you now find yourself in. Your husbands "do it or else" theory is probably brought on by the horrible pain he is experencing. He wants to see you CHOOSE him. He wants you to do something FOR him. And, believe me, I understand that feeling all too well.

However, I believe that if this is important to him, even if it is for the wrong reasons; just might be the right thing to do.
That being said, you and your H need to agree on WHY you are telling, before you tell. He may want this OM to suffer. Thats understandable, but not a good reason. He may want you to do it for just the reason above.....to SEE you choose his side.
IMO, the two of you need to talk some more.

By the way, my husband ended up calling the OWH and telling him he was sorry for what he had done to him and to his family; and that he (owh) would NEVER hear from my husband again. That meant a great deal to me.
Good Luck and God Bless
tsc

I truly appreciate all your advice. It does mean a great deal to me. My life is in such turmoil, I don't know what to do. This happened back in May and since then the OM has moved to the other side of the continent for a new job. My H is so torn between wanting to hurt me and wanted to hurt the OM. Sometimes I just don't know if I can go on. I want this marriage to work and I am truly sorry for what I have done. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel very hopeless. My H has such a horrible temper and I don't know what to do when he screams and yells. I don't like talking to him when he is like that because it is just too hard.

Becca,

Let your H know that we understand his pain. He may feel alone but he is not. Let him read this: 5 stages of grieving

It is a thread someone wrote to me when I was feeling similar to your H. Know that his healing has to happen also. Both of you need help.....you can either do it together or apart. His anger shows he cares just can't show it properly. He is like a wounded animal who is frustrated and can't ask for help. Help him..... then let him help himself.

Do either of you have an MC? If not, give Steve or Jennifer a call.

L.

We have been seeing a MC for two months. We have also been seeing individual counselors. He has read so many books, yet they are not helping. He has a very difficult time forgiving people and that is really the problem. He cannot forgive. I know that forgiveness can take years to happen, but he says he is going to give this until next July and if he isn't happy he is going to leave. I don't know what to do to show him that I am sorry and that I truly do love him. Everything is just a mess right now. Sometimes we have good days but they are so few and far between. I just want him to talk to me without the anger. It hurts so much. But, perhaps that is what I deserve. I don't know.

Becca, it takes anywhere from 12-18 months to get over the anger of the betrayal, so plan on being there for the long haul. The anger seems to peak around 8 months for many and after that it seems to taper off. You just have to be patient and keep reassuring him that it is worth it. There is a high price to pay, but it does get better!

"Sometimes we have good days but they are so few and far between. I just want him to talk to me without the anger. It hurts so much."

Who says his anger is not "good"? I think it is, indeed a "good thing" to work his way through his anger. Not being angry would not be natural.

If he were able to talk to you without the anger ... what would he be saying? In your mind, what does his anger mean?

Allow me to offer an opinion of what his anger means ....

It means he "sees" in his mind, mental videos of you and the OM making love, kissing, laughing, teasing, moaning, making juicy sounds between your bodies .... He "sees" you with your legs open, allowing a man who is a stranger to him enter your body with his body .... and you, with your eyes closed love OM doing it.

Your H cannot kiss you without "seeing" you kiss the OM.

He cannot make love to you without "seeing" you making love to the OM.

Why is he angry? Because he loves you. He wants to be your loving husband ... but the mental images are too raw, too graphic, and sooo painful he is consumed by those ugly painful thoughts.

Try this out yourself. Close your eyes, and picture your H making passionate love to another woman. Your H is enjoying her breasts, her lips, her butt, her smells, her sounds.

The difference is, when you open your eyes, the image disappears. The image does not disappear when your H opens his eyes, his images of you with OM are pretty much with him 24/7.

When he's trying to fall asleep is the worst.

When you say .... "It hurts so much." I believe you. Compare your H's agony to yours. Care to trade places with him? Care to wonder if the OP was better than you in bed? Care to wonder if this was the first affair .... or maybe there were more you don't know about? Care to wonder how it feels to have the one person you love look you in the eye and lie to you? And then lie to you some more? And you don't know when the person you love is telling the truth or manipulating you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And you speak about "forgiving" already? You make a judgement about him not being able to forgive ???? Sweetie, your H is just trying to survive his agony. He is a minute to minute basket case. And you want to be forgiven?

No, you want his pain to stop.... because seeing him in pain hurts.

This takes years.

Do not ask for or expect to be forgiven until he feels like he can take breaths that dont burn with painful agony.

You're asking too much. Forgiving is a ways away.

Besides, most WS have more problems forgiving themselves. Why don't you take your H's hand, and just "be there" when he is angry ... because the anger you see, is actually his broken heart screaming!

Pep