no one here is playing nice.

Actually I have posted twice now that this is Becca's thread and we should wait to hear what she has to say.

somebody call Twyla!!!
Where is the fly-swatter!!!!!!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
tsc

I am not asking my husband to forgive me right now. I merely want to be on the path to forgiveness. I realize it takes a very long time to forgive and I have no problem with waiting. I guess I just want to get to a point to where we are not talking about the A every single day.

As to Orchid's H remarks, my H has always had a bad temper and yes he has been verbally abusive in the past. I know it is because of the environment he grew up in. He doesn't realize that you must always watch what you say to people you love.

Becca, are you guys in counseling? One of the most important things in rebuilding a marriage is identifying the issues that made you vulnerable to an affair in the first place. Usually, unmet needs or constant lovebusters [ie: his bad temper] can make a spouse vulnerable. Those things need to be addressed down the road [NOT NOW] with your spouse in order to begin recovery. Some very good books about this subject is His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

Another thing you could do is take the emotional needs questionaires on this website to identify both of your top EN's. This is usually an eye opener.

Also, if you are tired of him talking about it every day, I assure you that he is tired of thinking about it every day. It will take some time for him to get to the point where he doesn't think about it all the time. Are you being completely open and honest and answering all of his questions? Usually that helps in calming down the BS. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can inflict on their partner and it doesn't go away quickly.

Can you send him to us so we can help him?

Becca,
Glad you are back. Sorry your thread got so crazy. What verbally abusive things would your husband say to you? Can you give us some examples so we can help you? Did he ever hit you or verbal only (not that verbal is a good thing in any way). As far as not talking about the affair every day, I know in my case, I would love to not have to talk about it, because I would have loved for it to not have happened!! It doesn't sound like you understand (just my opinion) the magnitude of what affairs do to people. How can you recover if you don't talk about it? How can you expect it to just go away? It is a process that WILL take time, communication, honesty, care and protection. And you must watch what you say to those you love, you must also watch what you DO!
I am not trying to 2x4 you, I just don't think you are getting it. But I do want you to know that yes, verbal abuse is wrong too. I am not discounting that. I just think you are discounting the affair.
Also Becca, how long did the affair go on and how did your husband find out about it?

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

My H is a wonderful man. He would never physically hurt me. When I said "he is torn between wanting to hurt me", I meant that he is in the punishment phase. Actually, he is coming out of that. Our therapist says that is very natural, but you have to be careful not to prolong the punishment. Yes, he did yell a lot when he first found out, but he has every right to do so. Yes, he was verbally abusive, but he has apologized for it. We all say things when we are upset that we don't really mean and we wish we could take back later.

Things are getting better. He said today that he has moments when he feels like forgiving, but then there are moments when he doesn't. He doesn't want to say he forgives until he truly does because he wouldn't want to have to take it back. I don't expect him to forgive anytime soon. Plus, we can't go off our emotions. Forgiveness has to be a conscience decision, not one based on feeling.

We are in counseling. We go together once a week and seperately as well. We have read Surviving an Affair and it was very helpful. We have read so many books actually. We have also done the emotional needs questionnaire and have it posted on the refrigerator. We are doing a lot to work on our marriage. We have discussed with the counselor what made me vunerable and I believe that has helped my H and I.

I do want to reply to the rest of the comments, but I have to go to a meeting. Duty calls, you know. I will try to be diligent in my responding as your comments are very helpful and allow me to see things from a different perspective.